Lord Noel Prepares For The Olympics!

Whatto! Sportspeople.......

What with the bally old recession starting to bite more deeply the last thing we can bally well afford to shell out for now is a bally Olympic Games!..........
I'm sorry about my language..... but I find it all bally emotive stuff!!
Still..........we've committed ourselves now...........
.....and an Englishman's word is his bond .....and so on.............
So lets get on with the job of winning as many of those bally old GOLD medals as we can!
The latest British team did us proud with their medal total but I think there could still be room for improvement....................
Especially in the training department!
I've come up with a few ideas that I'll be forwarding to Sir Sebastian Coe - or 'Sebby' as I like to call him!.....
I think you'll agree that this should improve our teams performance no end!

Snow Shooting:
This is a perfect example of how to save scarce cash in the run-up to the Olympics!
Here we combine 'clay pigeon shooting' with 'Downhill skiing'.................
If the shooter wins...............it's because the skier is not going bally well fast enough!!




Shot Putting:
A simple device to measure the effort that each athlete is putting into their throw.......
If they don't collapse from asphyxiation after each throw.....they're simply not throwing hard enough!


Fencing:
First we put a metal fence between the two competitors....................
(A very good friend of mine produces fencing at very reasonable cost)
Then we provide each contestant with one chain saw each........
.........filled with exactly two minutes worth of fuel!
The idea is to cut through the fence as quickly as possible to get to your opponent whilst conserving as much fuel as possible for the hand to hand combat that follows.......................... see it's ecological too!!


Pole vaulting:
For too long competitors in this discipline have had it too easy!......
No more than three jumps a day!
A short sprint along a straight track and they reach their goal!
Cushioned mattresses for them to fall on!?
What's going on people??!!
Time for a massive change of mindset for these shirkers!.....................
We start with the track...................and rip it up!....................Now they have to run across fields so they will be more grateful when the track is put back later!
Then we replace the pole with a fence................ an ELECTRIC one!!.......with barbed wire!!!
(My good friend can do special prices on all mod cons added to normal fencing)
Har har! No room for error now!
Get over that bally fence!................ or retire early!.................. Wallop!
Triple Jump:
Anyone who has watched this sport as I have will realise it's full of the same shirkers who take part in the pole vault.....................
So we need something to act as a similar incentive!
I've come up with the perfect solution with these massive spikes floating in molten metal!
(Another very good friend of mine does very good deals on spikes and molten metal)
If you don't get high enough - the spikes will get you.......
If you don't jump long enough.............you melt!!!!


Relay:
I've noticed from MY EXTENSIVE researching of this particular sport that races are won or lost on the ability of the team to manage to 'handover' of the baton correctly..............
Therefore.......in training sessions the baton will be henceforth replaced with a stick of dynamite!
It can (and will) be remotely activated by adjudicators when they see a bad handover taking place and they believe the 'receiver' is at fault................ The fuse will be adjusted to go off before the athlete reaches the next handover.................thus acting as a genuine incentive for him to get this part of the operation correct!

I realise that many of you will be saying things like......
........ "Ooh! that seems a bit harsh!"...........
....and "These systems will injure lots of our Athletes!"........................
And I reply "YES!" ............"HOPEFULLY!".....................
After all..............If they're not up to it.......and never likely to win us any GOLD medals (which are really the ONLY ones that truly count!)..........................do we really want to waste millions of pounds on them?
I think not!
I'm waiting for an announcement from Sebby any day now!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Driving Test Scenarios

Whatto! Learner drivers.......

Here's some questions from the latest Driving Test which you may well be asked.......

Question 1: You are driving in Europe along a two lane road with "No Passing" signs clearly displayed...............

Preceeding you is a slow moving cyclist.................

Considering whether there any legal reasons to overtake the cyclist in these circumstances please answer the following question.........


The Answer is: YES! You should remain behind the cyclist for as long as is necessary!

Question 2: "You are driving in a car at a constant speed................

On your left hand side there is a field.................

and on your right hand side there is a fire engine.................

.............which is travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you there is a galloping pig....................

................which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

You suddenly notice that there is a helicopter behind you.....................

..............flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you..............

What should you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?





Answer: Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel And The Shocking Truth About Identity Theft!

Whatto! Identity Thieves......................

Thanks to you us humans are no longer the only species on this planet to be the target of this dispicable crime!........................
Innocent creatures are being abused!.................
....... by utter animals!..............

Sometimes they say they do it........"Just for a lark!"............... Disgusting! I say!

Others try to excuse themselves by saying "I never really benefited from the crime!"

Other sad individuals claim "I did it because I just wanted to be.............. like them!"

Police are advising all creatures to "Please be extra vigilent and keep on the lookout for these fraudsters!"

"We're not trying to frighten anyone" say Police "After all...........the last thing we want is them running round like headless chickens!"

"But if anyone notices anything strange............. for example anyone 'new' in the neighbourhood who perhaps doesn't quite fit in............ then call us at once!"

"These criminals could just be biding their time.............. until the moment when they can take full advantage of their position............... at your expense!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Boob Job

What ho! Breastfeeders.....

Audrey Horncastle - an 84-year-old, from Woodingdean, near Brighton, has churned out more than 100 knitted breasts in little more than three years!.........
She said: "It only takes a few days to do one and then I pass it on to my daughter - Rhona Emery who's a community nurse.......................
It's a bit of fun!.............
I enjoy the knitting and they are being put to good use...................
People give me a strange look when I tell them what I am knitting and it is unusual but they are fun to do."
Mrs Emery said: "I went to a breast feeding training course and was told about how these things are useful but that they were difficult to get because the pattern is hard to do................
My mum is good at knitting so I gave her the pattern and she was able to do it. It has just built up from there."
Mrs Horncastle, who is only paid for the cost of materials, says she will carry on knitting as long as there's a demand.....................
"I try to keep the basic fleshy tone" she said "but sometimes people ask if I can put in a bit of colour as well just to make things a bit different!".
I bet she's not the only one knitting bizarre things..............

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Wonders If There Really Is No Such Thing As Bad Publicity?

Whatto! Publicists........

We all know how running a business can sometimes be anything but 'plain sailing'........
....but sometimes a little more work during the planning stage may well have paid orf.......

T Shirts

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. But instead of the desired 'I Saw the Pope' in Spanish, the finished shirts proclaimed 'I Saw the Potato'.........(He must have been baked in that heat!)

Schweppes In Italy, a costly campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" mis-translated the product name into "Schweppes Toilet Water"..... and they wondered why no-one was drinking it!

KFC In Chinese characters the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan 'finger-lickin' good' came out as 'eat your fingers off'............. Yum!

FORD Even motor giants like Ford aren't immune.......they had a problem in Brazil when sales in their Ford 'Pinto' flopped badly. The company did some belated research and found out that 'Pinto' was actually Brazilian slang for 'tiny male genitals'!........ (That's NEVER a good thing to associate your product with)..... So Ford took off all the 'Pinto' nameplates and substituted it with 'Corcel' - which means 'Horse'............. Vrooom Vrooom!

Parker Pens When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say, 'It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you. ' However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word 'embarazar' meant embarrass. So instead the ads said, 'It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant'.......... that's one powerful pen!

Coca Cola The name Coca-Cola was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la in Chinese. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase (depending on the dialect used) means, 'bite the wax tadpole' or 'female horse stuffed with wax' ......... Neither of which, they felt, seemed to adequately describe the drinking experience! Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, 'ko-kou-ko-le,' which can be loosely translated as 'happiness in the mouth'.......Aaaaaaah I know that feeling well!

Pepsi

And Coca Colas rival had problems of their own - but theirs was more to do with 'Trade Descriptions'....... In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan 'Come alive with the Pepsi Generation' came out as 'Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead'.............

..........or your money back!?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Is Playing Around With Drinks

Whatto! Golfers............

I recently had the pleasure of being invited to play in a Competition Tournament with several chaps I'd had met through my capacity as Associate Director for drink companies................
The presidents of the big beer companies met me beforehand in the bar for a drink...............
The president of 'Budweiser' straight away ordered himself........... a Bud................
The 'Miller's' president dutifully ordered......... a Millers....................
.........and next came the president of 'Coors'............ who naturally ordered....... a Coors!.........
Which then left the 'Guinness' president to order........
......and he came up to the bar..............
.....and ordered.......... a lemonade!
They all immediately asked him "Why didn't you order a Guinness?"..............
To which he replied.........
...... "If you chaps aren't having a beer...... neither will I!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks - Are You An Internet Nerd?

Whatto! Netnerds............

According to some new research "You ARE an Internet Nerd" if you currently do 3 or more of the following things:

You have more than one degree from an online university.Your 'little black book' is full of usernames and passwords.You spend more time online trying to find a way of making money than actually making money.Your 'personal space' is My-space.Someone called 'Tech Support' starts calling YOU for help.You hear a joke and you shout out "LOL".You keep begging your friends to get a Facebook account so "we can hangout".When you see an attractive person in the "Real" world your first thought is to IM them!Your idea of a holiday is clicking through Google earth.Your 15 minutes of fame is on You-tube.'Road rage' to you means a lost connection.When you have sex now you are no longer concerned about STDs.



Tallyho!



Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Being Completely Tapped

Whatto! Bath lovers............

In what I can only presume was an attempt to provide the Internet with yet more X-ray pictures of 'Things inserted into people' a man in China recently arrived at hospital............

.........with 16 inches of pipe thrust through his eye socket!.............

Yi Zhao, 57, slipped in his bath........... and impaled himself on the tap!....... Bad enough, you might think.............

But even when he made it to the hospital in Chonqing, China, Zhao's ordeal was not close to being over................

Apparently the doctors made Zhao wait more than three hours so they could take X-rays, and made him wait in agony even longer while they sent for a team of plumbers (!) to pull out the pipe...............

So, tired of the pain, Zhao took matters into his own hands..............

......and pulled the pipe out himself!

"I was tired of waiting and all they wanted to do was talk," Zhao said. "I felt I could stand the pain, and it wouldn't be a problem............ It didn't look too complicated."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Advice On Playing It Safe

Whatto! men.....................

According to a new book "Every guy knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands!...........
Accordingly, we've come up with the following handy 'SURVIVAL' guide!.......


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.
 


DANGEROUS: Are you really wearing that?
SAFER: You actually look quite good in beige.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.



DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my pay packet.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.



DANGEROUS: Should you really be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.



DANGEROUS: What have you been doing all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that dressing gown!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets A Message From A Friend

Whatto! Freedom fighters..............
I recently received a message from a friend.
He's a fun-loving chap who just happened to also be a Police Officer for the last 30 years.......
But he's also such a career orientated chap that I often wondered how he would cope out on 'civvy street'........
....so I shouldn't have been at all surprised when I received this.................

Dear Lord Noel,
As you know I recently retired from the Police after just over 30 years service. You are completely unaware that prior to joining I was a Royal Marine Commando recruited into the SAS for just over a year before becoming a Police Officer. I have over the years often yearned to go back into military action; there is something almost romantic about the tough physical and mental challenges and expectations. Well an opportunity has finally arisen for me.
I was recently contacted by an ex-Colonel from my old regiment who now engages in covert; officially denied, black ops work in unfriendly countries. Therefore this will be my last email for some time. I know this news may come as a shock to you, but I have made the monumental decision to take off for a complete year effective next Monday.
There are a number of reasons, but the major contributor to my decision has been my desire to fight alongside and have involvement with a guerrilla group which is fighting for freedom and justice against unbelievable odds. I have been in contact with this group and now will finally join them in a remote part of Africa close to the border with Ethiopia.
I know you will think I am totally crazy - but I have not made this decision lightly. Nothing you can say or do will stop me from doing what I truly believe in. I realise the timing is terrible and that my family will suffer - but I hope to see you again in happier days - when I am a more complete man!

(I have attached a photo of the rebel group for information)

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The River

Whatto! Countryphiles................

I recently went for a lovely walk through some of the beautiful countryside surrounding Virtual Manor and I came across three chaps who apparently wanted to cross a fast flowing river..............


They had no idea I was watching them so I just stood and wondered how they would manage to get across..............
I was amazed when one chap suddenly fell to his knees and prayed out loud saying "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river!".....................
I was equally amazed when this chap suddenly seemed to become very strong and plunged into the rapids............swimming across the rivers fast flowing current!
I then saw the second chap came to the rivers edge.............
Then he too knelt down and prayed aloud saying "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river!"...................
I watched as this chap built a small raft from random debris lying about nearby and then rowed himself across this strong river...............
I was by now in complete wonderment as these seemingly miraculous events unfolded in front of me................. and I was keen to see what the third and final chap was going to do in order to get himself across..............
As I looked on I noticed that he seemed to have found inspiration from watching his friends manage their crossing ............and so he decided to use the same - by now - tried and trusted method................ I saw him slowly kneel down and pray aloud in exactly the same way that his friends had......
He called out "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river!"
I watched in complete awe..............
............as he turned into a woman and walked across the bridge!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Rest In Peace Tony Hart"

Whatto! Artists.................
I was saddened to hear of the death of Tony Hart....................
.....he's been such a big part of so many peoples childhoods.......
For me he was the 'perfect' Art Teacher................
Always charming and unassuming and with a childlike joy of anything creative.....

He was always able to facinate us by creating something wonderful from scraps of seemingly useless junk......
The whole "Vision on" programme was a ground breaking and award winning vehicle for him and the team to visually stimulate our imagination.............
.....and they did! And to begin with - all on tiny televisions in glorious black and white!
Tony and his artwork............. The Mad Professor (David Cleveland)...................... The Crazy Inventor (Wilf Lunn).............the animations............. and of course..................our chance to get involved in.............. "The Gallery" Tony passed away in his sleep after a long illness that had prevented him from doing the Art that he loved so much....... another of life's cruel ironies...... http://www.tonyhart.co.uk/

http://www.its-prof-again.co.uk/

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Night Out

Whatto! Nocturnalists.............

Lady Jacqueline and I decided that we would go out for the evening..............
Unfortunately it was our Chauffeurs night orf.............
......so one decided to ring up for one of those wretched Taxi people.............
But when the taxi chappie arrived we still hadn't found our cat to put her outside for the night!....


I decided to leave Lady Jacqueline to look for 'Fiddles' and so I told her I would meet her outside........... and went out to greet the taxi chappie.........
Here's the clever bit!.............
Knowing that all taxi drivers are linked to the criminal underworld...........
......either because they are what's colloquially known as 'ex cons'................
....or because they regularly associate with prostitutes and drug dealers...........
(I've seen all this on Television & at the cinema so I know it's true!)
Anyway........I obviously didn't want him realising that the Manor would be unoccupied for the evening because he'd get straight on the 'dog and bone' to his 'Burglar buddies' and 'ransack my joint!'........
.............thus ruining our evening out!
So I explained the delay by telling him 'My wife is just going upstairs to say goodbye to her mother!'..............
Brilliant!
I was happy that this ruse had probably helped us avoid being broken into later on..........
Several minutes later, an exhausted Lady Jacqueline arrives...........
......and as climbs into the back of the taxi with me..............
.....she says 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Making Friends With An Elephant

Whatto! Animal lovers..............

Here's a tale that should be an inspiration to us all..........

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from University......
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.........
The elephant seemed distressed and seemed to have something wrong with it's foot, so Peter approached it very carefully.............
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it..............
As carefully and as gently as he could...... Peter worked the wood out with his knife...............
.......after which the elephant gingerly put it's foot down onto the ground...............
The elephant then turned to face Peter with a rather curious look on its face.............
..........and stared at him for several tense moments............
Peter stood frozen to the spot..................
........realising he was suddenly extremely vulnerable and easily in danger of being trampled!
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted loudly..... turned..... and walked slowly away..............
Peter never forgot that elephant or the experience of that day............
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the City Zoo with his teenage son.............
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing..............
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifting its front foot off the ground, then putting it down.....
The elephant did this several times then trumpeted loudly..............
...........all the while staring straight at him!
Remembering the encounter in 1986............. Peter told his son he could not help wondering if this was the same elephant!..........
On the spur of the moment Peter summoned up his courage and climbed over the railings..........
................and into the enclosure!
He walked straight up to the bull elephant and stared back at him in wonder.............
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railings............. killing him instantly!

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Heaven & Hell

Whatto! Theologists...............

One day a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died..............
Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met by St. Peter himself..............
"Welcome to Heaven!" said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.........
"Well, I'd like to,"replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders............
What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose which ever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman........
"Sorry, we have rules..." said St. Peter..............
And with that St. Peter put her in a lift.......


....and sent it................
down................
down................
down................
.........to HELL!
She knew she'd arrived...........because of the Corporate Logo!.............


The doors slowly opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golfcourse!...............


In the distance was a gorgeous country club and standing in front of her were all the fellow executives she had worked with.................... but they all seemed much younger and happier now! ...........and they were all dressed casually and cheering her!
 
They ran up and hugged and kissed her and talked about old times..........
Then they played an excellent round of golf and then went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner..............
She then met the Devil himself - who was actually quite a decent chap!..........

...and kind of cute!....... and she had a great time with him telling jokes and dancing...................
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.............
Everybody shook her hand and waved her good-bye as she got into the lift...............


And the lift went.................
up..............
up..............
up..............
......and eventually opened up.............. back at the Pearly Gates.............
.........where she found St. Peter waiting for her..............
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said..................
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing..............


She had a lovely time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up...............
St.Peter came to get her and said "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven..................
Now you must choose your own eternity!"........................
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great, but I think I had a better time in Hell!........It's even got it's own Corporate Logo!"
"So be it!" said St. Peter and escorted her back to the lift.............


......and again she went.................
down..................
down..................
down..................
(Good this isn't it?)
............... back to Hell!
When the doors of the lift opened this time she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in boiling mud ........full of rubbish and filth..................
She saw her friends were dressed in rags and they were picking through the rubbish for something to eat!..........
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and said "Welcome Back!"
The woman stammered.........."But I don't understand!.....................
.................yesterday I was here and there was a beautiful golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time.....................
Now there's just a wasteland of rubbish and all my friends look miserable!"
The Devil looked at her and smiled................
"That's because yesterday we were recruiting you................
.......Today you're staff!"


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel