L o r d N o e l : The "Stressed!" Diet

Friday 3 October 2008

The "Stressed!" Diet

Whatto! Once more Weightwatchers!..................

I've been sent this amazing new "Stressed Diet" that is designed to help those of you who have highly stressful lives - like mine!..............

Everyone in Hollywood is Raving about it ...............so why not give it a try?

This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

BREAKFAST :

1 Grapefruit

1 Slice whole wheat toast

1 cup skimmed milk

LUNCH :

Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach

1 cup herbal tea

1 Slim-line Chocolate biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA :

The remaining biscuits in the packet

1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping

1 jar Nutella

DINNER :

4 bottles of red wine

2 loaves Garlic Bread

1 family size Supreme Pizza

3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK : (Only ONE allowed per night!)

Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake

(eaten directly from the freezer)

IMPORTANT DIET RULES !

Apply these simple rules and you simply can't go wrong!!

1. If no-one sees you eat or drink something, it has no calories

2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is canceled out by the diet coke

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do

4. Food used for medical purposes does NOT count (for example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner

6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes: popcorn, choc tops, maltezers, jaffas and frozen cokes)

7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage

8. Food licked from knives and spoons have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something

9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream, apples and red jelly snakes

10. Chocolate is like a food-colour wild card and may be substituted for any other colour

11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass

12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate (oh, how fat likes to cling)!