Whatto! Peeps......
Even though it is still only January....
.....I have already learned so many new things this year....
I've learned why the Eastern European cleaner we've just hired takes five hours to hoover our house.......because she's a Slovak.
And why I’ve been charged with GBH for injuring a man with sandpaper, when I only intended to rough him up a bit.
And why, after a night of drink, drugs and wild sex my friend Bill woke up to find himself next to the ugliest woman he'd ever seen. Then he realised he had made it home safely.
And why, when I thought I'd show that I am a true gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady.....two minutes later she shouts "will you sod off. I'm trying to have a sh1t!!” And why my Marriage advice for Kate Middleton would always be - "If you get divorced make sure you always wear a seatbelt..." And why two women called at my door asking me questions about what bread I ate, and when I said "white" they gave me a lecture for thirty minutes on the benefits of brown bread because they were Hovis Witnesses.
And why, when a Muslim man was shot in the head with a starting pistol, police are saying it’s definitely race related. And also why, due to the water shortage in Ireland , the swimming baths in Dublin have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
And finally, why I came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything taken. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…?
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
