Lord Noel Likes Doing 'IT' With A Computer

Whatto! Geek types..... 

I have been recently experiencing enormous problems with my previously 'friendly' computer!

Maybe it's reaching puberty?......

....or perhaps it needs an MOT of some sort?......

....so I have sought advice from some jolly nice chaps known as 'Nerds' who have been awfully helpful........

....their advice is the reason why I am currently able to converse with you through this electronic medium.

But what I have found out ........

....has shocked me to the CORE!

Apparently........

....(and this information comes straight from the Nerds)....

....computers are continually doing 'IT'!

I asked them what they meant by.... 'IT'.......and they said that because computers are ALWAYS doing 'IT'......and they simple can't STOP doing 'IT'..........then anything to do with them is referred to as 'IT'!

.....YES!

ABSOLUTELY AMAZING isn't it!?

....and did you know that they OFTEN do 'IT' with other computers too!

Sometimes they don't even KNOW the other computers involved!

Imagine doing 'IT' with complete STRANGERS!!

I find the idea quite distasteful!

BUT....

....it gets WORSE!

Apparently I have been sitting here for hours with my innocuous electronic friend WITHOUT ANY PROTECTION!............

I honestly didn't realise I NEEDED any!

Not only that....... but my seemingly innocent friend......

..... has (all this time) been continually monitoring.......

...... my HARD DRIVE!

I know!....

...the idea completely disgusts me!

I have now been told that the CONTINUAL and UNABATED activity of my flirty friend.......

.....could well have caused him to contract some sort of VIRUS!

My GOD!.....

....I was horrified!

Bird flu?........... Swine fever?........... Thrush?

The shame I feel is so great...........

.....I don't know where to look!

Needless to say .......

....from now on .............

......whenever I am seated on my trusty friend.......

....... with his buzzing stack humming between my legs............

....I shall be wearing a CONDOM!

I am looking for the FINAL SIGNS to show themselves.......

Apparently when the virus completely takes him over.....

....he will become unable to do 'IT' properly.......

.....and then cease to function...... on any level.....

(rather like an old Aunt I once knew)

I have been told that the first signs that my desperately depraved device has reached the end......

....is when......

....is when...........

(sorry this is difficult for me...).....

....is when..................

...it starts GOING DOWN on me!!!

(I can't wait!....)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Likes Lesbian Lending

Whatto! Library goers..........

A public library in Holland has been swamped with queries after unveiling plans to "lend out" living people..........



The volunteers will be borrowed by users of the library, in Almelo, who can take them to a cafeteria, and ask them any questions they like for up to an hour, in a scheme designed to break down barriers and combat prejudice.
The library's director, Jan Krol, said yesterday he had been deluged with requests from prospective borrowers after his project was reported in the Dutch media........
Almelo, a prosperous town of 72,000 people in the Twente region of east Holland, is not known as a hotbed of Amsterdam-style liberalism..............
The people-lending scheme was conceived as a local project, designed to encourage the solid burghers of Almelo to make contact with members of ethnic minorities and other marginalised members of society but caught the imagination of the Dutch press.
"It has caused a lot of interest, a lot of people have already called with questions like: do I need a library card?" said Mr Krol.
"Borrowers of people will not need a card", he said "though one will remain necessary for more prosaic items............ such as books".
..... he added. "Most meetings will last 45 minutes, we imagine. You can ask anything you like, but racist or strong language is not allowed..........
To avoid unpleasantness, all meetings must take place in the library café."
Mr Krol, who said he was inspired by a similar scheme in Sweden, has already filled many of his volunteer slots with gay men, a couple of lesbian women, a couple of Islamic volunteers......
"I've got a physically handicapped woman, and a woman who has been living on social security benefits for many years in real poverty........
....but I am especially keen to find members of Holland's small Roma gipsy community after a recent attack on two gipsy families in the city of Enschede."
Under the scheme, photographs and short biographies of the volunteers will appear in the library, and on its website..........
Library users who wish to take a person out can apply for an appointment.
Mr Krol said he had not cleared the scheme with his municipal bosses. "Oh, I never ask the council before I do anything," he said. "And it only costs two cups of coffee."
Apparently there will be no charges for returning people late....

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's 'Best Balcony' Competition

Whatto! Balcony owners......

I must say.....I love a nice balcony.........

....don't you?

.....the fresh air and the wonderful views from them.........

.....and there are so MANY amazing Balconies......

....all over the World

This years 'Best Balcony Competition' has come up with the following impressive results.....

.....in reverse order.....

In 3rd Place:

Mrs Enid Clenchthorpe from Brighton

Enid says "I'm so pleased with my massive colourful bloomers...

..I just want the whole world to see them!...

...but these flowers keep getting in the way"

In 2nd place:Senoir Pedro Sanchez from Madrid

Pedro says "I like it when the women from the town walk past my flat and shout up at me 'Come-on Pedro!.....show us your meat!'......It makes me feel warm inside"

And in 1st Place:....this YEARS WINNER!
Mr & Mrs Arthur Wedgemore from Essex

They both say "We like doing it outside!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Small Ads

What ho! Advertisers.........

I was at the Post Office the other day and I noticed how many postcards were in the window.......
.....all offering something for sale ........
......or a service that can be provided locally............


Toaster: Automatically burns toast

Holiday Special: While you're away have your home exterminated.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey £4.35; Chicken or Beef £4.25; Children £3.00.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced. Get an extra pair to take home.

Wanted: girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Supermarket Trip

Whatto! shoppers......

I was in a queue at our local Supermarket.............

............and I notice this rather dishy blonde behind me............

............ she has just raised her hand and is giving me a big 'hello' wave............

I am rather taken aback that such a nice looking lady is waving at me........

....... and although her face is vaguely familiar.............

........... I can't place where I might know her from.......

........ so I say, "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children"

My mind is suddenly thrown into turmoil.................and immediately shoots back to the one and only time I have been unfaithful.....

........ 'Blimey!' I say, 'Did we meet on Cyrils stag do in Newport?'

........... 'When I got out of the police station and got back to the hotel room you had gone!?'

'No, ' she replies............

........... "I'm your son's English Teacher'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Visiting The Museum

Whatto! Museum goers............

I am someone who generally loves to go to the Museum........

.....enjoying the dusty dreariness of the old buildings......

.....filled with dead things.

So my attention was drawn to a Mobile Museum that will be coming soon to a city near you...............

The 'Amora Sex Academy' is in Berlin, Germany, where it arrived from a successful showing in London, England!..........

I wonder if YOU got to see it?..........

Their publicity material states: "Finally - an exhibition for those who always have to touch everything."

I took Lady Jacqueline along.......because sometimes she can be quite touchy.........
The exhibition consists of 50 interactive displays that guide visitors through the intimate areas of the male and female bodies offering 'helpful tips' on everything from stripping to oral.............
I can tell you from personal experience...that's where you have a good chat whilst removing wallpaper....

  

 It's perfectly natural and wholesome...and nothing to feel ashamed about!
"Couples come in here together to learn something," said Manager Uta Barkow,
"It's been very well received so far..........
....with a lot of exhibits having that 'Aha!' effect on people."

 
Uta says "We also have a "Spank-ometer" which measures the amount of 'pleasure' a mannequin receives when spanked with a leather paddle.............. 

 

 (Maybe I should get one for my Kayak?)
......and a naked female mannequin that lights up when touched in the right spot with a voice that shrieks, "That's it!" if the visitor manages to put their finger on the elusive G-spot!
Suddenly....our Village Museum seems quite dull!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Describes The Power of Hypnosis

Whatto! Sick people..........

My good Lady wife came home recently (as she is prone to do) and told me...............

"Lord Noel.......Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?"

"Yes" I immediately replied to her - in an attentive manner

"Well" she said....... "they're gone!"

"No more headaches?" I ask in disbelief........

......."Well what on earth happened?"

My good Lady wife replied "A friend referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror............... stare at myself............. and repeat: 'I do not have a headache' 'I do not have a headache' 'I do not have a headache'

"And?" I added expectantly............

"And it worked! The headaches are all gone!" she exclaimed triumphantly

"Well, that is wonderful!" I proclaimed.

My good Lady wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few weeks.............. why don't YOU go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

I thought for a moment.............

Maybe she was right.............

I had caught one of my lower appendages in the shed door recently.........

.....but I couldn't continually blame that one incident for reducing my sexual activity from five times a day to a mere twice!

Something HAD to be done!

So............Reluctantly............I agree to try it!

I soon had my appointment (thank God for BUPA!)...............

and afterwards I made my way home (as I am prone to do).............

........Once there I rip off all my clothes.................

........pick up my good Lady wife...............

............ and carry her through to the bedroom!

Wallop!

I then put her on the bed and say...............

"Don't move, I'll be right back!"

I go into the bathroom and come back a few moments later...............

............jumping into bed and make passionate love to my wife like never before!

Afterwards (several hours later)..........my good Lady wife says, "WOW! Lord Noel! - that was wonderful!" And I say, "Don't move! I will be right back."

I then go back into the bathroom, come back again and 'Round Two' commences!

......which - although I say so myself - was even better than the first time!

My wife sits up and her head is spinning.................

"OH MY GOD! LORD NOEL!" she proclaims loudly..............

I again say, "Don't move, I'll be right back!"

And with that, I go back in the bathroom.................

But this time, my good Lady wife quietly follows me to the bathroom, she sees me standing at the mirror saying .... 'She's not my wife' 'She's not my wife' 'She's not my wife'

My funeral service will be held Saturday.



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Driving Home

Whatto! drivers.........

It is night........ and I am travelling as a passenger in a car.............

......coming back from a rather grand and formal function...........

My friend - who is driving - is a juggler and he's been part of the evenings entertainment on this particular occasion.............

We are deep in conversation as we pass through the city......

....when suddenly a siren sounds behind us and some blue lights start flashing at us.

"We have been stopped by the police." I rather drunkenly conclude

The officer walks up to the drivers door and speaks to my friend and then looks shocked as he peers into the back seat of the car................

"What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the officer.

"Oh those........I juggle them in my act." my friend explains unconvincingly

"Is that so?" Says the doubtful patrolman..........

"In that case................Let's see you do it!”

My friend dutifully steps out of the car and - getting the machetes from the rear seat - starts tossing and catching the knives.

It is really quite an impressive sight as the spinning metal blades glint in the moonlight!

An elderly man walks past and stops to watch this spectacle..........

......then he says "Wow!"............

"I'm glad I quit drink driving......... Look at the test they're giving now!"





Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Get Aways

Whatto! holidaymakers..........

Once the good weather arrives.........

.......everyone's minds turn to planning a holiday!

I was strolling down the High Street of our village a couple of weeks ago.......

.....and I saw a delightful old couple looking in through the window of our local travel agent......

They were scouring through the 'last minute' offers that were written up on cards......... and I could see they were each checking out every single one......for something they could afford.......

Suddenly struck by an overwhelming desire for generosity...............

.....I spoke to them both............. saying "I can see you're trying to find a suitable holiday for sale .............but as cost may be an issue for you.........living on a pension and all.............I insist that you allow me to pay for a holiday for you both to enjoy entirely at my expense!"

Their little eyes lit up and the smiles spread across their faces as I took them inside the shop and gave the travel agent instructions on what my intentions were and how to fulfill my wishes.

Yesterday I saw the same old lady walking down the High street once more ........and she looked nicely tanned as she came across to speak to me.............

She said "I can't thank you enough for your kindness....... and I just wanted to let you know that the hotel and resort were marvellous!.....the weather was amazing!.........and I had the most wonderful time!..........

......but who was that old chap I had to share with?"



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says Make That Call.........

Whatto! Conversationalists........

A young woman recently called her phone company to report a fault........

Apparently when her friends tried to ring her they couldn't get through.......

.......... and on the odd occasion that they DID manage to get through............her dog always moaned just before the phone rang.......

The telephone engineer duly arrived .........and set to work to try to rectify the situation........

He climbed the telegraph pole and plugged in his headset to test the system..........

.....then dialled the lady's phone telephone number......

As a result of this phone call the engineer was able to deduce the following facts:

1) The dog is tied to the telephone systems 'ground wire' with a steel chain and collar.

2) The rod connected to the ground rod is loose.

3) The dog is receiving approximately 90 volts of signalling current each time the number is called.

4) After a couple of jolts of electricity the dog starts moaning and then urinates.

5) The wet ground then completes the electrical circuit thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates quite conclusively that some problems can be fixed by moaning and taking the p1ss!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Promotes The Thailand Tourist Board

What ho! Travellers.....

Having spent several delightful months in Thailand...........

.....a place with an amazing range of beauty to explore.......

.....and exciting non-stop night life.....

.....(should you require such diversions)......

Far too often people think of 'SEX' and the associated trade that exists to satisfy the predatory tourist when they think of this fine land named Thailand....................... so I was pleased to see that the latest publicity release from the Thai Tourist Board focused much more on Nature.......

.....but still manages to give it.......

...... in a very Thai way............



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Explores The Theory Of Intelligence

Whatto! Boffins......................

I was recently on tour of Australia and you may be surprised to find that one of the things they love to do down under.......
............is frequent bars
And it was in one of these quaint outback bars that I got the opportunity to eavesdrop on a rather interesting conversation regarding Intelligence...................
I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this............
'Well you see, Norm...." One chap says........ "it's like this .........
.....A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo...........
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first............
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members..............
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells............
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells..............
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.........
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker braincells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!
........And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says - Just Stop It!

Whatto! Populace.............

The other morning Lady Jacqueline and myself were sitting in our spacious kitchen..............
........having just had breakfast together.......

.......... we were both reading the daily newspapers..................

When suddenly Her Ladyship pipes up above her tabloid with the following comment:

"Lord Noel..........it says here that every four seconds.......

......... somewhere in the world......

..........a woman has a baby!?"

I pondered her statement for a moment and then replied.............

"Well I think we should find this woman.....and STOP her!"



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Festival Time

Whatto! Revellers................

It has become somewhat of a tradition in England................

To meet in a field with thousands of other people...................

......and live in a teepee for a few days.................

Allowing the British weather to do it's worst to us...............

And then wash all the mud orf ourselves with a nice can of beer..................

We certainly don't mind the fact that it's overcrowded.............

In fact we find it all rather lovely...................

And the ancient stone circles look amazingly atmospheric in the evening fog.............

As long as there's some good entertainment to be had..................

We will even put up with all the clearing up afterwards!.............

Tallyho! Glastonbury!

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/06/glastonbury_2009.html

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - My American Dream

Whatto! Dreamers..............

Last night I had a very strange dream.............

It was set sometime in the future....................

.....and I could see OJ Simpson.................

....who suddenly has a heart-attack and dies!.............

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do with you right now," says the devil................

"You're definately on my list.......... but right now I have no room for you...................

......And you certainly have to stay here............ so I'll tell you what I'm going to do...............

I've got a couple of people here who weren't quite as bad as you..............

I'll let one of them go............ but you have to take their place!

..............I'll even let YOU decide who leaves!"

"Wow!" OJ thinks "A CHOICE!.........that sounds pretty good!"...........

So the devil opens the door to room number 1..........

Inside this room was Teddy Kennedy and a large pool of water...............

Ted kept diving in, and surfacing empty handed.............

Over, and over, and over.....................

..............he'd dive in and surface with nothing...............

Such was his fate in hell!

"No," OJ says............ "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer..............

and I don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil leads him to the door of the next room...............

Inside this room is President George Bush being clawed at by hundreds of orphaned Afgan children......

All he does is slap them away from him, time after time after time.

OJ looked on and said: 'No, this is no good.................I've got this problem with my shoulder.......... I would be in constant agony if all I did was slap away children all day!'

The devil opens a third door...................

Through it, OJ sees Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose...............

Bending over him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best............

OJ looks at this in shocked disbelief, smiling widely..............and finally turns to the Devil and says, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiles.............. and says "OK, Monica..... you're free to go!"



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Summing Up

Whatto! Businesspeople....................

The other day in the post........

............(otherwise known as the snail mail).........

..........I received a bill that I was a little confused about.............

So I decided to ask Lady Jacqueline for some mathematical help...........

I went to look for her..............

......and I finally found her deep inside Virtual Manor pampering herself in her personal gymnasium...........

She soon switched orf her exercise machine to give me her full attention.........

.......and I asked her this.............

"Darling............If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you takeoff?"

.....and she replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Wallop!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Golf Instructions

Whatto! Golfers............


I recently saw these instructions posted at my local Golf Club and thought they might prove useful to others who are having problems in that area:

1. Stand with your back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Please be quiet while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

.......Very good..........

Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee orf!



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Has Donut For Lunch!

Whatto! Sugar lovers..............

When we were recently invited to partake of donut for lunch with two very good friends of ours........
I immediately jumped at the opportunity .............
I love the freshly cooked ring donuts best....... hot off the machine......ready to be coated in lots of sugar....................
Just like these ones.............

YUMmmmmmmmmmm!
Delicious!
We met up with Baron Von Vyerscharta and his wife and we headed for the coast.............
I knew that was were the best donuts are made....... so my mouth was watering already!
I was somewhat surprised when he suggested we change into wet suits to "Enjoy the experience so much more!"........
Not wishing to appear prudish I went along with the idea.........
.........Never let it be said that I'm not game for anything!
And we posed for photographs close to the sea...............


Lady Jacqueline was as excited as I was and Baroness Philameena Phuttok was equally thrilled because she knew exactly what they had in store for us............


Imagine my surprise.........when The Baron suddenly produces a large Donut.........
........ for us all to ride on!
Yes..............
He tells us he intends to drag us about on the sea behind his speed boat!

Although I didn't take the camera out on the boat with us..............
......I can say that we had a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon..............
......laughing our heads off as we bobbed violently up and down with our legs sticking up out of the donut!
I'd thoroughly recommend it to everyone for a brilliant afternoons entertainment!

And its far less fattening that the real thing!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes- Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Value For Money

Whatto! Shoppers...........

Like everyone else........Her Ladyship and myself are always on the look out for a bargain................

The other day we were shopping together in M&S when I saw some Bollinger Special Cuvee Champagne in a wooden gift box with sliding lid and rope handle........... 'on offer' for only £25 a bottle!

I picked up a bottle and placed it inside our shopping basket......

My good Lady wife then asked "What do you think you're doing with that?"

"Probably drinking it!" I replied rather facetiously............

Then I added (a little more sheepishly)..........."They're on offer my Dearest........ for only £25 a bottle!"

She picked up the bottle......looked at it............ and then said "Put them back dear - we cant really afford luxuries like that......."

Reluctantly............I complied...........and we carried on shopping.............

........ finally we reached the cosmetics department....

Where her Ladyship picks up a £50 jar of face cream and places it into the basket........
"What are you doing?" I ask her...........

"Its my face cream Darling" she replies..........

......... "It makes me look beautiful!"..............

"So does Bollinger champagne!" I snapped ......

......"and it's only half the price!"





Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Takes A Country Walk

Whatto! Everyone......... 

Isn't this weather simply wonderful?!.......
I went for a walk the other day to get a few things that I needed.............
Of course I could have taken the car.......... but I didn't.......... because the weather was so lovely.......
I ended up buying a bucket and a gallon of paint on my travels................
............ then I stopped by a farmers field on the way home and bought a couple of chickens and a goose from him................
(Impulse purchases I'm afraid......)
I didn't have far to go..................
.....but I was now struggling with all my purchases...................
And while I was scratching my head wondering how best to carry them all.............
....I was approached by a mature but attractive looking lady who told me she was lost.
I asked her where she was heading for.......... and it turned out to be very close to my home...........
So I said to her 'Well, as a matter of fact, my Manor House is very close to where you want to go................. I would walk you there but I can't seem to carry this lot.'
The lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
I thought about her suggestion for a moment......
......and realised that it could just work!
'Why thank you very much,' I said and - managing to carry everything in the way she'd suggested - proceeded to walk with the lady back home.
On the way I suggested 'Let's take my short cut down this footpath. We'll be there in no time.'
The lady paused for a moment.............. and looked me over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get onto the footpath you won't hold me up against a tree, pull up my skirt, and have your wicked way with me?'
I was absolutely aghast!......... and said to her quickly, 'Good grief woman! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
And she replied, 'Well......you could put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Shop 'Til You Drop!

Whatto! Shop keepers............

Today I take my hat orf to all of you who are inventive enough to give your workplace unusual and creative names...........and brighten our day in the process!

There's a mobile snack caravan on Dartmoor named : 'The Hound of the Basket Meals'.......

.......a bakery in Sutton called 'Agatha Crustie'.

In Turnham Green, Chiswick a dry cleaner called 'Turn 'em Clean'..........

......a New York glaziers called 'A Pane in the Glass'

In Croydon a secondhand record shop is named 'The Vinyl Frontier'

.........a restaurant in Belfast called 'Thai Tanic'........

......a Teddy bear shop in Penge called 'Bearly Trading'........

......and a Fish and chip shop in Santa Ponsa, Mallorca named 'Oh My Cod'............

..... a bakery in Albert Road, Southsea called 'Upper Crustie'..........

...........a chippy in South Wales called: 'A Fish called Rhondda'..........

............and a driving school in Merseyside called 'L Passo'.........

........a Fruit, vegetable and flower shop in Aylsham and Reepham, Norfolk that goes by the name of 'Meloncaulie Rose'.............

............a Barbers shop in Knockin Shropshire named 'Herr Kutz'........ (I wonder if this is the only Knockin shop they have there? Wallop!)

There is also a mobile snack bar in Cornwall, which goes by the name of, 'The Star Chip Enterprise.'

.............an Indian restaurant in Radford, Nottingham, UK which went under the name of ' Balti Towers'............

On a butcher's van on Dartmoor you can find it advertising - "Tor to Tor Delivery."

And a hire van company in Kent is called "Van Gough".

.........and in Dulmen, Germany, there is a flower shop named 'Blumen Ecke'..........

Between Tenby and Pembroke can be found a specialist horticultural nursery boasting a sign reading: "Your fuchsia is in our hands."

In Havant, Hants, a greetings card shop can be found that goes by the name of "Havant Forgotten".

There is a whole-food shop in Argyll called "Oban Sesame".

.....and finally.............a sign on a laundrette in Cheshire says"Drop your pants here, and you will receive prompt attention!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel