Whatto! Peeps...
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| Artist's Impression of the Actual Ten Commandments - using the Angelic Arial font |
...who I occasionally have the misfortune to come into contact with during my languid existence...
...I was pondering on one particular problem...
...when I had a blinding vision...
...and heard a voice inside my head..
..this voice was the reasoned and calming voice of Sean Connery trying to make sense of a far-fetched James Bond movie...
...not the high pitched screaming voice that keeps yelling 'Kill! Kill!'
What if the Ten Commandments originated from some 'New Years Resolutions'?
It's entirely possible in those primitive pre-Jeremy Kyle days, for someone to have led an uneducated and unfulfilling life which involved them participating in situations whereby they may have murdered and raped their way through the week...
...just to make ends meet...
...and they may have reached a point when they just wanted to try to improve themselves...
...and didn't have the Jeremy Kyle show to appear on...
...or the benefit of DNA testing to make them see sense.
A simple, short reminder of what they were hoping to achieve...
...written on a sheet of Papyrus would have been all that was needed.
But let's imagine that they went to the trouble of having them carved in stone?
For longevity?
Suddenly, we are getting a strong indication that this was someone with 'long term' goals...
...they knew that they were going to be working in these for quite some time...
..that were not going to vanish overnight...
...they clearly had 'Issues'
And that a piece of soggy Papyrus...
...just wasn't going to be enough.
If someone was suddenly showing signs of wanting to travel the path of self-improvement...
...might not close relatives or partners want to offer their own suggestions?
And may it also have even included some ideas from close friends and even children?....
...or neighbours?...
(Just try and STOP them)
All those people would decide excitedly....
....that NOW was their chance to make that all-important suggestion....
...that had been nagging away at them for so long...
....whilst the 'Resolutor' was reasonably sedated - perhaps with fermented nettle juice....
...or a belly full or pickled starlings?...
...and thus less likely to fight back...
...or resist?...
...thus avoiding the carnage that they would normally have been a party to...
(which you'll remember was the need for self-improvement in the first place)
That would suddenly explain and make perfect sense of....
...the seemingly 'late addition' Resolution...
...you know?....
...the Tenth One...
..the 'catch all'...
...the one that waffles on and on..
...and displays a distinctly disordered mind...
...considering it was supposed to be 'The Word of God'...
...involving 'not coveting your neighbours ass'...
...clearly inserted with some skill by the neighbour who must have felt that they had the most gorgeous ass in the neighbourhood...
...and wanted to safeguard their beautiful ass in the process.
I often wonder what ever became of that neighbour's ass?...
...what kind of life did it lead?
...and was it ever coveted in the end?
...and would it have really mattered if it HAD been coveted?
Or are Asses really that susceptible to the 'power of coveting' that they need protection from it?
...and is it just Asses?
Wouldn't it have been wise to extend this category at that time?...
...to perhaps include 'attractive chickens'...
...or 'voluptuous horses'?
Or maybe they didn't want to push their luck?
Maybe the effects of the nettle fermentation were beginning to wear off?
...and maybe they were working through a list which was written in Alphabetical order?
'They shalt not covet thy neighbours ass, beaver, coypu, duck, emu,.....etc'....
...but they only got as far as the Ass when the Resolutor began to stir....
...beginning to show signs of discomfort...
....from the way things were progressing....
...the thought 'Soon there will be nothing left for me to covet!' fleeting wrecklessly through the caverns of their mind....
Maybe they should have written it differently?...
...and started from a basis where the Resolutor could covet NOTHING....
...thereby prohibiting the 'Coveting' of all animals...
...then they could have gradually introduced 'covetable items' at a later stage...
...as a kind of 'bonus clause'....
(i.e. At week seven you may begin to covet your neighbours gerbil)
...a REWARD for them managing to stick to those oh-so-tricky Resolutions...
...you know the ones?...
...the stealy and murdery ones...
...though I notice there isn't one for criminal damage....
...so clearly this Resolutor was someone with very particular problems...
...that didn't involve trashing the cave after a really bad night on the nettlejuice...
I hope it helped them...
...and all their family and friends...
...and I hope that all the Asses they ever came into contact with...
...were saved the trauma of being coveted.
That would have made it all worthwhile.
Just a thought.
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
