Lord Noel On The Supernatural

Whatto! Pepys...

Our Town Hall isn't used as often as it should be. So it was nice to find that something interesting had been arranged that I can support. Someone had booked a Psychic to give a seminar on the supernatural and the Town Hall was totally packed out.
Picture the scene...Lady Jacqueline and I are near the front as 'Guests of Honour' so we have a good view of proceedings.
To get a feel for his audience, the Psychic begins by asking "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 of the audience raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start" he smiles
"Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, how many of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 people raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you're taking this seriously." he added.
"Now I'd like to ask has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
15 people raise their hands.
"That's a great response" he continues.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 audience members raise their hands.
"That's fantastic! But let me ask you one further question ... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
One solitary hand at the back raises.
The Psychic is visibly astonished.
He takes off his glasses, takes a step towards the front of the stage, and says,
"Well, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost before! Please come up on stage to join me and tell us all about your experience."
A sheepish farm worker named Barny stands up with a nod and begins to make his way up towards the stage to an enthusiastic round of applause from the gathered multitude and some of his work colleagues.
Once Barny is on stage with the Psychic, the Psychic says, "Well young man, tell us all what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
Barny replies, "Ghost?!?" "Oh shit! I thought you said 'goat'!"

  Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Coincidences

Whatto! Pepys....

What are the chances of two similar things happening?
Fairly high one would think...
What are the chances of lots and lots of similar things happening?
Millions to one?
Here's a little part of US history, which makes you ask "how does one explain this"?

Coincidence? You tell me....


Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.



The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.



Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.



Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are comprised of fifteen letters


and it continues...

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.


And here's the kicker,


A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Engineers

Whatto! Pepys...

Engineers are the clever boffins who create the wonderful gadgets that permeate our modern society.

Yet they never seem to make as much money as the business executives who run the companies.

Why is this?

I asked an Engineer friend of mine why this situation might arise and subsequently he provided me with this rigorous mathematical proof to explain this phenomenon:



Postulate 1. Knowledge is Power

Postulate 2. Time is Money



As every engineer knows:



WORK

---------- = POWER (1)

TIME



The more WORK you put in, the more POWER.

Even Better, doing the same WORK in less TIME gives more POWER.



Since KNOWLEDGE=POWER, and TIME=MONEY, we can rewrite Equation (1) as:



WORK

------------ = KNOWLEDGE (2)

MONEY



Solving for MONEY we get:



WORK

-------------------- = MONEY

KNOWLEDGE



Thus, as KNOWLEDGE approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the WORK done.



The Inescapable Conclusion: The Less You Know, the More You Make.



Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Advice Line

Whatto! Pepys....

Another avid viewer has sent me this plea for advice from my FREE advice service that I offer FREE to the general pubic....FREE!


"Please Lordish Noel,
Some lads tried to get into my car last night so I attacked them with a baseball bat. I'm starting to think that I'm just not cut out to be a taxi driver.
Please - Can you help me choose a suitable career for myself?
Yours angrily
Please
Tim Midbasted "



"Dearest Tom,
I believe in the well tried and tested system which we continue to operate within the UK known as the 'Caste' 'Class' system. With this ancient and reliable system everyone knows exactly where they stand and exactly why they are standing exactly where they are standing.
Some might say "On what basis is this system based?" and I would immediately reply to such personages "It is a system which has been running as long as time itself and it provides a wonderfully greased conduit for maintaining the status quo in which people like myself get all the best chances in life whilst others struggle to find their way in a Society controlled by perople like myself. It is also a FAIR system, being based entirely on something we all carry with us all of the time! Yes Hammocks! No, not hammocks........ Biscuits! No that's not it....what is it now? Blood! That's it...Blood."
Having Scientifically researched this system to a very high standard I can speak with complete and unequivocal authority about it. For instance - you will no doubt be aware that you have within your blood system this magical byproduct named 'blood' and that this thing called 'blood' will carry copious amounts of vital information about you, such as how you will survive (alone in a wood with just a small stick for company - I survived for four minutes) and what sort of mate you will make (in the bedroom department - mine was really good as I always fold the sheets properly at the corners) and how rich you will be (ie. how many tiara's you will own?) and perhaps most importantly, whether you are in fact the father or not (Court case pending).
That is why we are all grouped into different groups of blood. And that is why my blood group is so much more superior to many other people's. Not only does it taste nice because of the extra chocolate and champagne stored within it but it also smells lovely too. Like very expensive roses (not the 'Value' type you see in the poverty departments of some supermarkets). If you happen to be in an inferior blood group this will inevitably mean that you will have to spend your entire miserable life in despair, feeling lonely and unfulfilled and resigned to carry out mundane tasks for the whole of eternity (or you might be an Estate Agent). But look on the bright side! (unless you are in the group OA) because of all the different blood groups, the ones that make the most spelling mistakes are Type O's. Hope this hepls   Tallyho!   Blest Wishes - Lord Noel"



Lord Noel Gets The Needle

Whatto! Pepys...

After suffering from a persistant back ache for some considerable time I decided to visit an acupuncturist in search of some pain relief.
I chose a genuine Chinese practictioner for added realism and to add credibility to this real-life yarn.
His name was Dr. Chang.
When I arrived, I told the doctor my symptoms, and he said what sounded to me like, "Take off all your crothes and lie on tabu"
I slowly undressed and lay on a nearby worktop.
His assistant then entered the room and stuck a load of needles in the back of my neck.
After a few minutes the Doctor returned and asked me "You awight Mista Lowd?"
I said "Yes Doctor but I must say I'm surprised that the needles have been put into my neck when the pain is in my lower back but I guess that's just the wonder or meridians?"
"You got needers in you nek?" he said in some surprise "That no good!"
And then he began to extract them from my neck one at a time.
At this point I was becoming very confused by my treatment and was wondering what was going to happen next when he suddenly said to me "I have chek u. You crawl real fass away from me across the froor".
I slid off the worktop and sunk to my knees and began crawling as fast as I could to the other side of the room Then Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me!"
...and so I did.
Dr. Chang then shook his head and said, "You haf real bad case of 'Zachary' Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf probrem wiv needers!".
This sounded serious and I was suddenly very concerned as I'd never heard of this condition before, so I asked the Doctor "Please Doctor! I MUST know! What is this so called 'Zachary' Disease?" and he replied,
"Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY rike your ass!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Ps I'm part Chinese so this is not racist!

Lord Noel On Growing Up

Whatto! Pepys....

I was talking to my Grandson as he sat at my kitchen table with me. He is 5 years old and I couldn't help noticing how much he'd grown up recently.
Then he suddenly asked me "Can I have a nana Grandpops?"
I was a little surprised by this childish request so I replied "Nana has a grown up name and that name is 'banana' so let me hear you saying the grown up word instead please!"
He paused, looking a little surprised but continued "Can I have a banana please Grandpops?"
I smiled and said "Yes Alphonse! Well done! You may have a banana!"
Bouyed up by my praise he then asked me "Can we go on a choo-choo today Grandpops?"
I again smiled patiently and said "You mean 'Train' - that's the grown up word for choo choo - so let me hear you using the grown up word instead please."
He kindly obliged by repeating "Can we go on a 'Train' today please Grandpops?"
I smiled broadly, seeing that my education had been so effective for a second time "Well done Alphonse! That's correct!...and VERY grown up - you are soooo clever! But it's raining today and not very nice out so we won't be going out, but I will read you a story if you like? Would you like that?" I asked.
He nodded and smiled broadly, looking very happy with my suggestion.
I turned to look at the pile of childrens books he'd been thumbing through already and asked him "Okay then Alphonse.....which one of these books would you like Grandpops to read for you?"
Alphonse paused momentarily, as if to give my question some careful consideration - clearly he was trying to make sure his request was couched in the grown up language that I so eagerly sought! Then he pulled out one book from the centre of the pile and said "This one Grandpops!"
"Oooooh lovely!" I said "And what is the name of that book Alphonse?"
"Winnie the Shit!" he replied.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Viagra

Whatto! Pepys...

As it was my Birthday, Lady Jacqueline and I decided to go for a little experimentation in the bedroom department! Once we'd been thrown out of John Lewis we went for a coffee and decided we wanted to try once more. Being a man rapidly approaching my tender years the idea of a second helping is often a brilliant idea but not quite so fruitful in a practical sense. It was then that Lady J came up with a topper scientific solution (well not so much a solution as a pill really). But my enjoyment was swiftly curtailed when, after gingerly consuming the said tablet, I experienced a sudden stiffness in the area of my neck! After a while of this stiffness showing no signs of leaving me I became increasingly dissatisfied with the product and decided to ring the Company 'Hotline' for some advice. Strangely enough there seemed to be a few other people having difficulties because I was put on 'hold'....
I was immediately disappointed to find that their choice of hold music was the ubiquitous Vivaldi's Four Season's and I began to think that there must be many other alternatives that I could suggest for much more suitable hold music....
If you are a viagra retailer struggling for innovative ideas please feel free to use any of the following in your next Advertising Campaign or Customer telephone answering service...


I am a Rock

- Paul Simon



A Hard Days Night

- The Beatles



Do That To Me One More Time

- Captain and Tenille



Everlasting Love

- The Bee Gees



Hard To Handle

- Otis Redding



No Ordinary Love

- Sade



We've Only Just Begun

- Paul Williams



Hard As A Rock

- AC/DC



Girls Just Want To Have Fun

- Cindy Lauper



When I'm 64

- The Beatles

    Hard Enough   - Brandon Flowers       I Got Erection   - Turbonegro       Harder, better, Faster, Stronger   - Daft Punk       When I finally got through it was late Autumn and everything in the wood was falling to the ground. After hearing of my affliction they told me that my neck stiffness was due to me not swallowing the viagra quickly enough! I didn't get a refund.       Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Lager

Whatto! Pepys...

Are you someone who loves Lager?

Has drinking Lager become such a devotion for you that it is now more like a Religious experience?

If it has, then you may enjoy using this prayer next time you pick up your pint and make your offerings to the Holy One...

THE BEER PRAYER!

Our Lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy brand.

Thy will be drunk, 

At home as it is in public.

Give us this day our frothy head,

And forgive us our spillage's,

As we forgive those who spill their's against us.

And lead us not into Police Stations,

but deliver us from hangovers.

For wine is not better, than bottles of Lager.

For ever and ever.

BARMEN.

Tallyho!

 

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Tax Suggestion

Whatho! Pepys...

Dear Inland Revenue
I have been trying to think of a suitable way to increase the Tax burden on the people of the UK so that more wars can be begun against very poor people (ie Terrorists) with oil and natural resources we need and of course, so our lovely Rich Bankers can be paid lots more of their well-deserved bonuses.
I have finally come up with a suggestion that could be used to target HALF THE UK POPULATION!
YES! ALL males! I'm sure a suitable female-orientated campaign could also be launched with a small degree of 'jiggling'.
Here is a suggestion of the type of letter that should be sent out to all households as soon as possible.
Remember - The cost of a new Drone or a needy Bankers bonus is at stake!

..........................................................................................................................
To: All Male U.K. Taxpayers

From: Inland Revenue Service Centre

Re: Notice of new tax

It has come to our attention that in the past, the Inland Revenue has failed to tax your male appendage. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it spends being pissed off, 30% of the time it claims to be hard up 8% of that time it is being hand-reared leaving only 2% time when it is gainfully employed in trying to fill a gap. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts.

Therefore, effective from next January 1st your penis will be taxed according to size.


------- The categories are as follows: -------

10 - 12 inches 'Luxury Tax' £30.00

8 - 10 'Pole Tax' £25.00

5 - 8 'Privilege Tax' £15.00

4 - 5 'Nuisance Tax' £3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file a Capital Gains return.

NOTE: Anyone Deemed to be 'Underprivileged' (under 4") is eligible for a refund of £1. Please send a clear picture of your face to this office so our staff can all recognise and point at you when you attend to obtain your refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!



Sincerely,

Ima Pecker-Checker

Inland Revenue Services

'Shafting Generations for the good of the Privileged few'

.................................................................................................


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Choice

Whatho! Pepys...

Here's an excerpt from a letter I recently received from an avid reader....

"Hello Lord Noel,
I was in the bath washing myself the other day (details redacted) and I found myself wondering if you have ever had any embarrassing situations arising from your unusual name?
My name is Nathanial Knob and I married a Cecilia Puller but we changed our married surname to avoid any obvious comical problems caused by conjoining them. It's now Wankfiddler.
Yours brazenly N. Wankfiddler OBE"


"Whatho! Nath old chap,
Thank you for your question and the attached photographs which I had to sit down to view as they honestly took my breath away (especially the one captioned "Wears the soap!"). Firstly I want you to know that your letter has been forwarded (together with the photographs) to our local Police and also our branch of 'Chicken and Fowl Lovers' who are like-minded adult persons who regularly meet up to discuss the kind of things you were attempting to demonstrate in paragraph 6.
But to answer your question - I think life is a series of choices that we all make every day from the moment we wake up - many things being completely out of our control. For example, I've just been for a walk and I saw 48 magpies! According to the song (which I've just researched on line) this means I will bang my lower shin on a small inlaid side table next Tuesday.
Hope this helps
Tallyho!
Best Wishes
Lord Noel"

Lord Noel on December

Whatto! Pepys...

Welcome my friends to December!
It is indeed the last month of the year and is fully loaded and cocked!
Ready in fact to shoot off all over you as it comes to it's shuddering climax with all of our joyous Yuletide celebrations.
But the history of December is indeed worth looking at in closer detail.
As you will know the decimal system is based on a numerical cycle of ten thus December would be expected to fulfil it's role as 'tenth' month by coming tenth in the general order of months listed throughout the aforesaid year. This would indeed have been true had not the Romans introduced two extra months during a particularly bad period when they needed 'extra time' to complete the hastily started publicly funded building project which resulted in the completion of the infamous pyramids. The two months they introduced were April and Febarch which easily gave them ample time to complete their building project, thus avoiding incurring all those nasty penalty fees - which they could ill afford.
The Roman citizens, being sensible people, all agreed that these two names were rather silly and decided to form a massive processional demonstration and converge on Roman wearing nothing but V masks (which means five in Roman).
When Nero saw this multitude of 'V' gathering in the square outside his sumptuous villa he ceased toot sweet with his fiddling and met with the crowd to discuss with them their greivances. "Just to be on the safe side" he took with him, an armed garrison in order to quell the crowd "should they turn nasty".
The leader of the 'V' citizens was a ferocious man called Maximus Pondrous Dikkus who terrified all those who set eyes on him - reducing many courageous warriors to quivering wrecks within moments! - so they sent Neville instead.
Nero invited Neville to join him within his private villa and they chatted together for some time while Nero gave Neville some money and they taked about the procession and who the ringleaders were and Nero made a note of their names and their home addresses on a peice of parchment and kept it 'somewhere safe' for 'later on'. And Neville told Nero that their procession was technically called a ' V March' and they had some more wine and Nero offered Neville the use of a young maid servant and a tax free bank account in the Cayman Islands and Neville agreed and eventually he returned to his people and made his now infamous speech...
"Friends, Romans and countryfolk, lend me your eyes because these one's are very blurred and I've come to praise Nero not to bury him coz he's an alright bloke when you get to know him really - he's just misunderstood..."
Anyway, the final outcome was that April remained inserted into the calendar thus moving October from it's position as eighth month (Oct = eight) and Febarch was renamed March in honour of their procession!
The V mask maker retired as a very rich man and moved to the Cayman islands with a maid servant and lots and lots of lovely red wine.
And that's the true story of how the baby Jesus came to be born on the Cayman islands but nobody could prove it because his birth certificate was forged and anyway it wasn't even called the Cayman islands then so the birth certificate wouldn't have bally Cayman islands written all over it would it?

Next week. Lord Noel Uncovers the Truth about Atlantis!


Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "It's QUIZ TIME!"

Whatto! Pepys...

Todays QUIZ is a very simple TRUE or FALSE? one.
Read the list of 'FACTS' given below and decide which one's are TRUE and which one's are FALSE.
The answers appear at the bottom (but NO cheating!)

So let's begin...

LORD NOEL'S TRUE? or FALSE? QUIZ

1. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.


2. If she were life size, Barbie's measurements are: 39-23-33.

3. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

4. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

5. All 50 American states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

6. Almonds are members of the peach family.

7. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

8. Maine is the only American state whose name is just one syllable.

9. There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous"

10. The longest place-name still in use is one used for a hill in New Zealand.

11. Los Angeles's full name can be abbreviated to "L.A." which is 3.63% of its full, original name.

12. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

13. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

14. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

15. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

16. Al Capone's business card said he was a 'used furniture dealer'.

17. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

18. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

19. An American dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

20. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

21. The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

22. The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z - hence "Oz."

23. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

24. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

25. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

26. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

27. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.



FINISHED!



Wondering how you did?
  Scroll down for the answers.... \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ Nearly there! \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ ANSWERS!       Guess what?   They are ALL True!   Q9. The 4 words are: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. Q10. The name of the hill in New Zealand is: Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu Q11. L.A's full name is: "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Sheety Story

Whatto! Pepys...

I was walking past someone's front garden yesterday when I was surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle, hanging up on their washing line.
As luck would have it the pretty young housewife, who I recognised as Doreen, came out of her front foor that moment and I waved to her.
She, being someone for whom I have provided a shoulder to cry on in the past, during times of great need, waved back.
"Good day!" I ventured "I couldn't help noticing that you have a hole in your sheet."
"Hello Lord Noel!" she replied "It's lovely to see you again! Yes, the sheet is from a game of "Who's whose?" we were playing at a party we had here last night. It was wonderful!"
"Oh really?" I replied "How does that work then?"
She smiled a very broad smile and began to explain "Well...we hang the sheet up and each of the men have to put their 'equipment' through the hole and the women have to try to guess their identity!"
"Gosh! that sounds like great fun," I said "Almost makes me wish I'd been there. Har! Har!"
"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times!"


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Being Phonically Challenged

Whatto! Pepys...

I am proud to announce that I seem to be one of the last people in our village to retain a decent remnant of the last Millenia.
It doesn't do 'Apps' or 'Emails' or 'Surfing' so to many modern users it would appear to be totally useless! Even the on-board camera is substandard!
But I love it still.... because it does what I want it to do!
Texts and phonecalls!
It also costs me about £40 a year.... (but I'm trying to cut down)
Truth be told I also love the 'flip-up top' because it allows me to believe (for a fleeting moment) that I am part of the cast of the original Star Trek TV series - asking the Bridge to 'beam me up!'.
I've noticed that these days some people text me "plz" because it's shorter than "please".
So I text back "no" because it's shorter than "yes".
Oh, and by the way, if someone has the audacity to send you a text saying 'Soz' they aren't really sorry.
I have to admit that technology IS wonderful! We've come such a long long way from having to find an empty (and working!) phonebox on a street corner and also have a pocket full of 2 pence pieces. It came home to me recently when I heard a man saying "Hold that pose. My camera is ringing!"

But it can also be a complete menace....
Socialising with friends has been badly affected.
How often these days does an offer of a tasty meal at someone's home deteriorate into a bunch of friends coming over just to play on their phones?
And why is that you can take the time to travels miles to actually BE with a friend or companion, in person, so you can have a nice old primitive 'chat' but as soon as someone rings them on their precious mobile they simply MUST be answered! or WORSE STILL a Facebook status 'updated'? I don't blame the person making the call... how could they know?
But it's tantamount to allowing someone to come over and interupt you mid-sentence without even the merest hint of an apology.
Maybe that is why I have absolutely no human friends?
Luckily, being close to the glutus maximus of nowhere, our wireless coverage is absolutely appalling so in no time at all our guests realise (sometimes in complete horror!) that they will have to spend the rest of the evening 'interacting' face to face with us humans!

It's a positive spin on a situation which really shouldn't exist these days... but I'm glad it does!
After all, I've seen the photos from Mars and I'm still amazed that 'Curiosity' ever managed to find wireless coverage when I can't even send a text from my kitchen!
One day I will no doubt be tempted to upgrade to something which will thenceforth become my eternal companion and I will end up spending many hours each day stroking it with compulsive lovingness.... but in the meantime I am in the proud position of being someone...
... who still knows more than their phone.

If you own a mobile phone or use wi-fi - check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ld8pCSjNcA&feature=youtu.be&a

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Technology

Whatto! Pepys...

There is a well known saying from which I derive great comfort in my hours of need and it goes something like this..."Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. Fool me three times. Why don't you just stop picking on me? I'm clearly a raving idiot!"

After ruminating on this for a number of nanoseconds I can sincerely state that I believe this predicament has come about mainly due to the inexactitude of Science.
For years Scientists have been telling us that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons. But in reaching this conclusion they have clearly forgotten to include Morons.
To counter this lack of foresight I have finally invented a computer which I believe is easily as smart as a REAL person. When my new improved computer makes a mistake, it simply blames another computer!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gives Further FREE Advice

Whatto! Pepys...

Further FREE ADVICE from your wonderful benefactor!

"Dear Lord Jesus  Noel
I'm reely angree! This guy just yelled at me for texting and driving! I shouted back at him to get off my bonnet and mind his own freekin business!
I'm sooooooooooo upset!
The whole thing made me drop my cheezburger!
Yurz
Isabelle Tinkley"


"Dearest Isabelle
Thank you for contacting me about your latest automobile debacle.
This is a prime example of why in-car hygiene is so important!
Imagine how distasteful it could have been had your cheezburger been covered in dust, grit and potentially - lower body hairs? Judging by the photograph you have enclosed I shudder to think how it might have affected you to have to forego your tasty morsel!

It's at times like this that I take great comfort from how much I've learnt a lot from the Mayans....
Like - "if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world!"
And remember that texting can be particulary hazardous whilst driving - so my sincerest advice to you is to switch off your autocorrect! 
Sometimes it can be your worst enema.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel"



Lord Noel On Progress

Whatto! Pepys...

In my continuing capacity as FREE online Agony Uncle I would like to reply to this plaintive plea from one of my loyal readers...


"Dear Your Highness Lord Noel
Just now my nephew said to me 'This match won't light, which is weird because it did this morning.'
Aren't modern children really stupid and dumb?!
Yourz
Amos Ignor
(backwards)"


"Dear Ignor
Thank you for addressing me by my full Title but I assure you that within informal correspondences such as this, a simple 'God' will suffice.

I know exactly what you mean about children because my gardener recently said to his son "When I was your age, the internet was called television! Now shut up and eat your alphabetti spaghetti!" Har! Har!
I must admit to being a little disappointed with Man's (and Woman's) progress to date. I always thought that by now we'd have incredible inventions all around us - things like flying cars! But instead, we seem to have blankets with sleeves!
It's very upsetting for older people like myself who would like to know there will be sufficiently technology in place to make it unecessary to have more than six maids and two Butlers.
Speaking of old people here's a very handy pick up line for any saucy elderly man...
"Hey baby, I’ve fallen for you - but I can’t get up - so can you ring the Warden?"
Hope this helps

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On Arson About

Whatto! Pepys...

I was recently told by a so called 'Fire Safety Expert' that a 'sensible' safety measure for one to take would be to test one's fire alarm at least once a month.
Well let me tell you, I followed this advice but I found it to be far from sensible!
Now, after three house moves I can tell you this advice has cost me well over £3,000,000!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel.



Lord Noel On Cooking

Whatto! Pepys...

This morning I found my tiny letterbox had been stretched out of shape by the huge deluge of 'advice seeking' letters which had been forced through it's tight little opening.
I will endeavour to get through them all in the fullness of time as part of my service to the community as your FREE online Agony Uncle!

Here's a letter from one dear follower...

"Dear Lord Noel
In your capacity as a well known and Internationally Acclaimed Chef can you please tell me long I'm supposed to age food in the fridge before I throw it out?
Yours toxically
Ivor Growth"

"Dear Ivor,
How sweet of you to mention my impressive Culinary Credentials!
(which are outlined in far more prosaic detail within the pages of my wonderful autobiography along with many glamourous and original recipes like 'Sweet and sour porcupine balls' and 'Flambeed tortoise in eel lung soup' and, of course, my Celebrated "Round beefy things" also regularly featured by the American press for their fabulous value!)

I must admit that the whole subject of food is very confusing to the uninitiated! For example - where on earth do you put your food when you ARE finally ready to eat it? On the table? On a plate? In your mouth? The sheer number of choices available can soon make one entirely baffled!
I remember the first time I tried to cook that well known Cambodian dish of 'crushed frogs larynx in quail's piss'... the recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but then I couldn't open it because the door was facing the wall!
Hope this helps.
Tallyho!"

Best Wishes - Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On Dogs

Whatto! Pepys...

I've been rummaging through my bulging sack once more to bring you this recent letter which I received from a dear follower...

"Dear Lord Noel,
some time ago I purchased a lovely Golden Retriever. It is a very attractive dog but has so far never brought me any gold. Can you help?
Yours sincerely Dick Breayth"


"Dear Dick,
I had a Golden Retriever once and he was actually a rescue dog. He used to rescue things like food from the bin and socks from the laundry basket.
I thought he might benefit from a bit of training, so I bought a book on obedience...
but it turns out the dog can't even read!
Hope this helps!
Best Wishes
Lord Noel"