Lord Noel Gets The Needle

Whatto! Pepys...

After suffering from a persistant back ache for some considerable time I decided to visit an acupuncturist in search of some pain relief.
I chose a genuine Chinese practictioner for added realism and to add credibility to this real-life yarn.
His name was Dr. Chang.
When I arrived, I told the doctor my symptoms, and he said what sounded to me like, "Take off all your crothes and lie on tabu"
I slowly undressed and lay on a nearby worktop.
His assistant then entered the room and stuck a load of needles in the back of my neck.
After a few minutes the Doctor returned and asked me "You awight Mista Lowd?"
I said "Yes Doctor but I must say I'm surprised that the needles have been put into my neck when the pain is in my lower back but I guess that's just the wonder or meridians?"
"You got needers in you nek?" he said in some surprise "That no good!"
And then he began to extract them from my neck one at a time.
At this point I was becoming very confused by my treatment and was wondering what was going to happen next when he suddenly said to me "I have chek u. You crawl real fass away from me across the froor".
I slid off the worktop and sunk to my knees and began crawling as fast as I could to the other side of the room Then Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me!"
...and so I did.
Dr. Chang then shook his head and said, "You haf real bad case of 'Zachary' Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf probrem wiv needers!".
This sounded serious and I was suddenly very concerned as I'd never heard of this condition before, so I asked the Doctor "Please Doctor! I MUST know! What is this so called 'Zachary' Disease?" and he replied,
"Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY rike your ass!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Ps I'm part Chinese so this is not racist!