Lord Noel's Advice Line

Whatto! Pepys....

Another avid viewer has sent me this plea for advice from my FREE advice service that I offer FREE to the general pubic....FREE!


"Please Lordish Noel,
Some lads tried to get into my car last night so I attacked them with a baseball bat. I'm starting to think that I'm just not cut out to be a taxi driver.
Please - Can you help me choose a suitable career for myself?
Yours angrily
Please
Tim Midbasted "



"Dearest Tom,
I believe in the well tried and tested system which we continue to operate within the UK known as the 'Caste' 'Class' system. With this ancient and reliable system everyone knows exactly where they stand and exactly why they are standing exactly where they are standing.
Some might say "On what basis is this system based?" and I would immediately reply to such personages "It is a system which has been running as long as time itself and it provides a wonderfully greased conduit for maintaining the status quo in which people like myself get all the best chances in life whilst others struggle to find their way in a Society controlled by perople like myself. It is also a FAIR system, being based entirely on something we all carry with us all of the time! Yes Hammocks! No, not hammocks........ Biscuits! No that's not it....what is it now? Blood! That's it...Blood."
Having Scientifically researched this system to a very high standard I can speak with complete and unequivocal authority about it. For instance - you will no doubt be aware that you have within your blood system this magical byproduct named 'blood' and that this thing called 'blood' will carry copious amounts of vital information about you, such as how you will survive (alone in a wood with just a small stick for company - I survived for four minutes) and what sort of mate you will make (in the bedroom department - mine was really good as I always fold the sheets properly at the corners) and how rich you will be (ie. how many tiara's you will own?) and perhaps most importantly, whether you are in fact the father or not (Court case pending).
That is why we are all grouped into different groups of blood. And that is why my blood group is so much more superior to many other people's. Not only does it taste nice because of the extra chocolate and champagne stored within it but it also smells lovely too. Like very expensive roses (not the 'Value' type you see in the poverty departments of some supermarkets). If you happen to be in an inferior blood group this will inevitably mean that you will have to spend your entire miserable life in despair, feeling lonely and unfulfilled and resigned to carry out mundane tasks for the whole of eternity (or you might be an Estate Agent). But look on the bright side! (unless you are in the group OA) because of all the different blood groups, the ones that make the most spelling mistakes are Type O's. Hope this hepls   Tallyho!   Blest Wishes - Lord Noel"