Lord Noel Says "Let's Celebrate!"

Whatto! Non believers............

I have just been reminded that TODAY.......

....is 

INTERNATIONAL BLASPHEMY DAY!

So.....

Happy Blasphemy Day to You All!

Yes........Apparently Blasphemy Day is a new 'Holiday'..........

....which has been 'Internet Spawned'...........

....(It's already sounding quite delightful isn't it?).

It's supposed to be very similar to......

Talk Like a Pirate Day

.....where you are encouraged....

...to say "Ahar!" rather alot....

...saw one leg orf....

...and make close friendships with parrots.

........or the much loved....

CAPS LOCK DAY

....where you leave your 'caps lock' button.....

..... in fully functioning mode..........

....for the entire day!

Har Har!

We're ALL Craaaaazzzzzzy aren't we!?

 

I'm sure you all greatly enjoyed celebrating both of these Days!

Well now it's Blasphemy Day!

"Yippppeeeee!" I hear you cry.....

....shortly followed by the question......

...."But what's it all about Lord Noel?"

Well..

...if you're sitting comfortably.....

...I'll tell you.

Long ago.....

... on September the 30th.......

....a Danish Newspaper........

....printed a series of Cartoons.....

....depicting the Prophet Muhammad........

....and these cartoons were so unusual....

....that they caused quite a few riots.

Now....

...an anonymously run Blasphemy Day web site is telling us........

“International Blasphemy Day is not just a day.........

(Oh Good!)........

..... It is a movement to dismantle the wall which exists between religion and criticism ..........

(Please Explain)........

.... The objective of International Blasphemy Day is to open up all religious beliefs to the same level of free inquiry, discussion and criticism to which all other areas of academic interest are subjected.”

(Please ....go on....)

Well that's it really........

(Oh ....I see)

It's certainly a Noble aspiration........

.........and I'm curious to see how we will take on this challenge.

Anyway....

....Now you know......

....and I hope that.....

....whatever your Religion......

...you manage to find some time in your already busy schedules......

....to enjoy this day.....

....in whatever way you chose to celebrate..........

......such occasions.....

....whether its being with someone you love.........

...and TALKING IN CAPS.......

....or chatting with Pirates....

.....and who could blame you?

Wallop!

...or just reflecting for a few moments.....

....on what Blasphemy Day is trying to achieve....

....and everything it stands for.

 

My own personal belief.....

....is that freedom of speech.....

...is our most precious right.....

....but....

...like any muscle...

(such as the tongue for instance)

....it must be exercised regularly.....

...in order to keep it healthy and strong....

...and if....

...IF....

.... you choose NOT to exercise it....

....then you shouldn't be surprised....

....when one day.....

....people tell you to "Zip it!"......

.....and you find......

....that you do.

What 'International Day' would YOU like to create?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Favourite Things

Whatto! Old People..........

Here's a stiring anthem to raise your spirits......
.....which should be sung along to the tune of......
"My Favourite Things"

Nice stamp collections and needles for knitting
Stairlifts and glasses and cushions for sitting
Left over paper bags tied up with string
These are a few of my favourite things

 

Cataracts, hearing Aids, false teeth in glasses
Nurses that change us and wipe round our arses
Pacemakers, wheelchairs and armchairs with wings
These are a few of my favourite things

When my pipes leak
When my bones creak
When my knees feel bad
I try to remember my favourite things
and then I don't feel so bad!

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions
No spicy hot food or dishes with onions
Slippers and heat pads and hot meals they bring
These are a few of my favourite things

Back pains and slow brains with no fear of sinning
Viagra is fine if you like older women
Thin bones that fracture and hair that's worn thin
Are these all really my favourite things?

When my joints ache
When my hips break
When my eyes grow dim
I try to remember the great life I've had
and then I don't feel so bad

 

What do YOU look forward to 'celebrating' in your old age?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Past Lives

Whatto! Newlyweds.....

Isn't life exciting for those who have just started out on life's journey together as 'Husband and Wife'?

But sometimes there are a few skeletons in the closet.......

...that only reveal themselves after people have been together for some time.

Lady Jacqueline and myself were enjoying a quiet drink in a newly refurbished wine bar yesterday afternoon when we saw a chap who seemed a bit 'down'.....

.....sitting on his own...
..staring into his pint..
...that sort of thing......

So we began talking to him.....
.....and he told us that he had discovered something about his new wife.....
....which had upset him.
We sat and listened closely.....
...and he told us more.....
Apparently they were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth week of wedded bliss together when his wife said

“Darling, the last ten weeks with you have been so wonderful......

.....but I think that it is time I made a confession…….

....I love you so much......and.....

...... I'm not sure how you're going to take this.....

.....but for eight years before we were married......

...... I was a hooker”

The husband said that understandably he was totally 'gobsmacked' by this revelation......

.......but he pondered it for a moment and then.....

....looking into his wife's eyes.....

..... he realised just how much he really loved her......and he said.......

“My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten weeks, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact.........

......maybe you could show me a few 'tricks of the trade' that you may have learnt over the years.......

.....and spice up our sex life even more?”

Apparently she then looked lovingly back into his eyes......

...took hold of his hands in hers.....

....and said....

“No I don't think you understand..........

......my name was John and I played rugby for New Zealand"

 

Has your partner ever surprised you with an unusual 'revelation'?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel On Prejudism At Tesco

Whatto! Shoppers.......

 

Those Tesco chappies have a supermarket near to where we live.......
....and when I went there recently I found out........
....that there are certain things that they are prejudiced against.
.... One is 'old fruits'.
When I went there recently to get some 'leftover fruit' that I thought they might have 'spare' for me to buy from them at a knockdown price so that I could make some lovely homemade wine......
....they told me "We throw all that stuff away"
"What a shame!" I said ..
..(because I like making wine)......

"Every little helps" they said........
Then I found out something......
.... much more sinister...........
.........for it seems........
........they are also prejudiced against certain religious groups too!

A chap called Daniel Jones...........
(from Bangor in South Wales)
..........was evicted by security staff because of a Religious item that he was wearing.

He argues that just as Muslim women are allowed to wear a veil and burka whilst out shopping...........
....... then he and all the other 390,000 Jedis across the UK........
....... should be able to wear their hoods.
Yes!...
......Practicing 'Jedi' Daniel ..
...who goes out in public dressed as a Jedi..........

 

He claims he was told by employees at Tesco "You are not allowed to wear a hood in a Tesco store" and it was because of his hood....
....that he was kicked out of the store.
The 23-year-old Star Wars fan, who is also known by the Jedi name Morda Hehol.............
......founded the 'International Church of Jediism' in the UK........
.......and he claims that the Tesco ban is a breach of his religious rights.
To support his argument Daniel cites the handbook of the UK Jedi Church......
..... (which he helped to write).........
...... where it states..........
........ "Jedis must wear a hood up in any public place of a large audience."
But he found out that although his Jedi mind tricks might work on Imperial Stormtroopers...........
....they don't appear to work as well on Tesco Supermarket Security Staff.
We can't help but think this would all have been a lot easier........
........ if Daniel had just waved his hand and said.......
......... "This is not the hood you have a problem with."

What's YOUR gripe with Supermarkets?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel's Golden Nuggets

Whatto! Chicken Farmers.......

After quite an abundance of eggs from 'Nuggets' our lovely Bantam hen............

.....she started to behave rather oddly..........

Thanks to the internet we were able to narrow her behaviour down to two possible topics.....

.....either she was 'Egg Bound' ........

........or she was 'Broody'.

We found out that being 'Egg Bound' was the more serious of the two conditions.......

....and indeed could be potentially fatal for her!

She was displaying all the characteristics....

....sitting down alot and not moving much.....

....going orf her food.....

...producing massive stools.......

....and sitting on the nest when she didn't even have an egg under her.

They can also encourage parasites to enter their body from sitting down so much.

The cure recommended was partial submergence in hand warm water.....

....so we waited until sunset.......

....when all birds become quite soporific.....

....and ran a nice deep bath for her in the kitchen sink.

 

 I was surprised at how calm she was.......

....she actually seemed to enjoy it.

 

 But this didn't seem to cause any eggs to appear....

....and when we physically examined her underside there were no signs of eggs inside her.

So we had to go to Plan 'B'......

....she might be 'Broody'

The suggested cure for this was the exact opposite of the first cure.....

...i.e. submergence in COLD water.

But we thought she'd probably had enough fuss for one night...

....so we put her into a temporary Ark overnight.....

....and let her rest.

The next day we put some bricks on the nest to discourage her from going back there.....

...or either of the other two hens .....as they can learn from watching and suddenly become Broody too......and we didn't want three broody hens on our hands.

 

Then Nuggets was isolated for 24 hours inside the run I'd built....

....with her own Ark to sleep in that night.

The strange thing was that Nuggets had been really stroppy with Supreme and Satay....

....(again classic Broodiness symptoms).....

....but despite her aggressive behaviour towards them.....

....they both sat diligently by the run that Nuggets was stuck inside of......

....proving conclusively that they were both her 'Loyal Friends' after all.

Once the 24 hours had passed.....

...Nuggets was back to her old self.

And all three hens were getting on famously again....

.....although to date......she hasn't begun laying again.......yet.

If anyone has any suggestions....

...I am prepared to listen....

....providing you are a World Reknowned Expert with the proper Credentials.

What's YOUR favourite 'chicken husbandry' tip?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel's Pledge Of Friendship

What ho! Friends..........

The lovely Irish people of this World.....

......of which I am lucky enough to include myself.....

...have many 'Toasts' 'Promises' and 'Blessings' to suit all occasions...........

There are lots that actually speak of true friendship.

But they are often cute and a bit twee.......... held together with little smiley faces.

So I was pleased when I came across "The Pledge of Friendship"......

....because it just says it like it is!

This is for our Friends!

When you are sad -- I will help you get pi55ed and plot revenge against the ba5tard who made you sad.

When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile - I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

When you are scared -- I will take the pi55 out of you every chance I get .......until you're NOT scared any more.

When you are worried -- I will listen intently and then tell you stories about how much worse it could be until YOU STOP WHINING!

When you are confused - I will try to use only small words.

When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again....... I don't want whatever you have!

When you fall...... I will laugh at you, you clumsy ar5e.........but then I'll help you back up on your feet again.

This is my pledge to the very end. 'Why?' you may ask..........Because you are my friend.

What's YOUR favourite pledge?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel On Marvelous Melons

Whatto! fruiterers........

The ancient samuri warriors prided themselves on their swordmanship.

They knew exactly how to care and hone the precious blades so that they remained as sharp as possible at all times.

That same skills that they were so famed for with swords applied to knives as well.

And they demonstrated their skill with a knife by carving fruit with it.

A positive and creative element of Samuri training.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Tells Of The Old Handbag

Whatto! Old people...........

Now that my lovely old Dad.........

....is safely ensconced in the Secure Wing .....

....of our Local Lunatic Asylum.....

....my Mother has some free time which she likes to spend.........

....from time to time......

..... with other old people.

The other day I went with her to a meeting of Senior Folk.

It wasn't what I'd expected......

...they were having a bit of a sing-song.....

....and playing Bowls......

...on the Wii!

After the game.......

....a lovely old lady with 'loads of character' named Gladys suddenly stood up and waved her handbag in the air......

....saying "Whoever can guess what I've got inside my handbag.....

....can come back to my place with me!"

I was surprised and a little shocked....

....but I joined in the general laughter that followed this unexpected outburst.

Then an old boy named Bernard.....

....who is quite quick-witted for his advancing years....

...called out from his armchair........

..."An Elephant!"

Everyone laughed again.......

...except Gladys.......

....she waited for the laughter to die down.....

....then gave a big smile and said.....

..."Close enough!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel Knows You Can't be Too Safe

Whatto! Gun enthusiasts........

Everyone knows the importance of gun safety............

That's why a forty year old man insisted on giving his girlfriend a lesson in it.........

........ before taking her to a local firing range.

He had rounded up a selection of weapons.............

....... so that he could demonstrate each of their various safety features to her.

He proceeded to do this..........

............ by pointing each gun at his own head........

....... and then pulling the triggers.

For the first two guns..........

..........he completed two fine demonstrations of the importance of safety features................

...... and knowing how your weapon works.......

.....but the third one wasn't quite so impressive.

Police say man from Missouri fired the weapon...........

..........thereby shooting himself in the head......

....causing a fatal head wound.

He was taken to hospital.............

............ but died the following morning..........

...... giving his friends and family just long enough to tell him..........

....... how they all thought he could win this year's Darwin Award.

And his name?...........

James......

....James LOONEY.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel On Exercising Discretion

Whatto! Fit persons........

Maybe it was the cake.......
....but I feel as though my torso has started to become an odd shape.......
....so I went back to the Doctor to get a second opinion.....
....and when she finally got up orf the floor from laughing at me....
...she gave me the 'all clear' to attend exercise classes.
I decided to enrol for the 'Aerobics for Seniors' class.
Well!.....
...I bent myself all over the place.....
.....I twisted into shapes I never thought were possible!....
....I gyrated my hips into strange contorted positions.......
....I jumped frantically and vigorously up and down.......
..... and perspired quite heavily for about an hour.
In fact..........

....by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Modern Recycling

Whatto! Recyclers............

In order to make recycling more popular you have to make it more appealing.

Do you have a Fridge that you want to get rid of?

Raymond, from Woodley, Reading, Berkshire did.

He'd purchased a new fridge.......

.....and when he contacted the local council about taking away the old one, they wanted £20 to remove it.......

....... in an 'environmentally friendly fashion'.

Now £20 isn't a huge amount to most people....

....especially when you know the item is being disposed of properly......

....but Raymond wanted to save the cash............

......so he just put the old one in his front garden with a sign that read.......

“Free to a good home. If you want it, please take it.”

The fridge stood untouched for 4 days......

....and Raymond was beginning to think he'd have to pay the council after all.......

......but then he changed his tactics...........

........ he made a new sign saying........

....... 'Fridge for sale - £50.'

That very afternoon the fridge disappeared......

......having been stolen.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel's Weight Loss Programme

Whatto! Larger persons......

Many people like to 'celebrate' their size.........

....feeling comfortable to live inside their gigantic bodies........

....... without any sense of shame or embarrassment.

But for the 'enlightened others'....

.....I have developed the 'Lord Noel Weight Loss Programme'.

The principle of this programme....

.......is in slowly changing peoples mindset about the way they view themselves.

I begin by explaining what 'Diet' is..............

......"A diet is a weigh of life"......I say.

And yes......

I can hear the size already.........

....."Tell us something we don't already know!".....you cry......

......"Tell us why all the food we eat ......

.....seems to go straight to my thighs!"And I will!

A 'Diet' is something most of us do quite religiously................

......we eat exactly what we want to.......

....whenever we feel like it......

......and pray we don't gain weight. With this programme.......

.... I don't encourage anyone to achieve extreme weight loss.

As far as I'm concerned a diet is something you go on.....

........... when not only can you not fit into the shop's dresses.............

......but you can't fit into the dressing room. One guideline I like to promote.......

......applies to fat and thin people alike:

If you're thin, don't eat fast..........

.......and if you're fat, don't eat.......

...... fast.

And you can take that a stage further by adding......

"And don't eat fast food". The problem with trying to curb our appetites.........

............ is that a lot of people think they're doing it.............

....at the drive-in window of McDonalds.But it really is the simplest of changes.......

....that can make the biggest impact on our size.

For example.........

Do you know what the most fattening thing is......

.....that you can put into an ice cream sundae?

Well?

Any ideas?

The answer is.......

.... of course.......

.......a spoon.

During the development of "Lord Noel's Weight Loss programme" we discovered some minor drawbacks .....

....which we are slowly trying to reduce........

The biggest drawback is that fasting for seven days.......

.......... makes one weak.

Educating one's palate is always an important step for any dieter.

I advise all dieters to avoid Pepsi................

.....because it's "the drink that refleshes".

We have also found that 'Sweets' are the destiny that shape our ends.

So........Are you thick and tyred of dieting?

Well this programme is for you! The toughest part of a diet is often watching what you eat..........

....it's so easy to lose sight of things......

....for instance......

....like the table.

Some people don't see all the food they've munched through.........

....until it's too late.

I never encourage people to lose weight with other people's help......

....because it can be very difficult watching what other people eat. I always feel that food.........

....... is for women who not only wish to keep their girlish figure.......

........ but double it. But it's NOT easy!

And I am the first to admit that.....

....ALL diets involve you having to go to some length......

.......... to change your width. And remember..............

......it's not the minutes spent at the table.......

........ that put on the weight........

...... it's the seconds.

One of the best ways we have found to lose weight.......

....... is by skipping..........

......skipping snacks and deserts.

When you begin our weight loss programme...............

.....we conduct an 'in depth' survey into your 'lifestyle habits'.........

....this is the point at which we often discover........

....that many people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two........

.........alone.

Of course a very large group go to places like 'Weight Watchers'........

...... to learn their lessens. But we have many 'Secrets' within "Lord Noel's Weight Loss Programme".......

....which we will gradually reveal to you....

....once you have subscribed to the programme.

One secret is in, what we like to call...............

....'Total Nourishment'............

....this is a specially constructed modern-day meal........

....... in which a family counts its calories.........

........instead of its blessings.

Sunscribe NOW!

You'll lose pounds!! (Through regular direct debits)

And finally.......
I'd like to leave you with a little tail.......

It's called "The Three Little Pigs"
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a diet Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy.......' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy replies........
........ 'Well, somebody has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!" '




Tallyho!


Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline