Lord Noel on Despots

Whatto! Peeps...

Cultivate a mean, brooding look to add depth to your personality

I often get rulers writing to me asking "How can I carry on being a Dictator without American and NATO forces shelling me out of existence?" and my reply is this ...

One general rule of thumb is that if you live in a compound one day someone is going to come and kill you. But you really don't have to call it a compound and a simple yet inexpensive makeover with different coloured potted plants would soften the otherwise hostile exterior and make it appear far less threatening. You could call it a 'fortified resort', or a 'bombproof holiday chalet'. NATO would then ask, "Is this Dictator a threat?" and an analyst would reply. "No sir, they live in a reinforced concrete spa retreat."
Other tips for failing dictators include getting a guest spot on '8 Out Of 10 Cats' or 'Come dine with me' which would do wonders for your post-dictatorship image. Just remember that when people criticise you during interviews, laugh uproariously to show you can take a joke – on no account should you slit their throats.
It's these little things that can really rehabilitate a public persona. After all, since Piers Morgan stopped raping kittens, the public have embraced him.
I also know, from my sources at MI5, that (if it comes to it) one of the many dictator escape plans is to put on a Burkha, paint your toe nails, and escape in a cab. It works all the time here at the airport security in the UK.
Of course, I'm no detective, but if the Authorities wanted to find out where a dictator like Gaddafi is likely to go to next, simply identify the country with the largest supply of botox.
Enjoy your retirement!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel