Lord Noel On Trading Insults

Whatto! Disgruntled ones........

There have been a number of very witty insults recorded for posterity.

If you're ever tempted to rage against someone in an undignified manner........

....these may help you out of a jam.

There is, for example, this famous exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill,

 

....when she became so incensed with him that she said, "Sir, if you were my husband I'd give you poison!" and he replied, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
And when an angry member of Parliament shouted to the then Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease!"

 

.....to which Disraeli replied "That depends, Sir, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress!"
With this in my mind I recall a situation I personally underwent some years ago during a visit to a Circus............. 

 

I was sitting on the front row enjoying the entire show in absolute wonderment, when the circus clowns came into the ring to begin their performance..........
The leader of the clowns took up the microphone and asked for a volunteer.......
This was my chance!
I put up my hand excitedly.... and the clown came over to speak to me......... 

 

He said "Hello young man" (as I then was)..........
....and he asked me "Are you a silly horse?"
I was confused!....I smiled and politely said "No"
He smiled too..... and then asked me "So... are you a silly Donkey then?"
I kept smiling but still remained confused, as I again replied "No"
Then he said "Well then.... you must be a silly ASS!" and with that he went away laughing ......with all of the spectators laughing and pointing at me too!
I was so humiliated that I left the show early and walked home alone........ with a real anger building inside of me...........

  

How could that idiot clown have made such a fool of me?
....and in front of ALL those people!
I began to formulate a plan where I would wreak my revenge against this stupid clown who had made me look so small in front of so many strangers.........
Over the next few days I read countless books on insults and snappy retorts (such as those above)......
....until I finally felt that I had honed my wit to its sharpest point ever!
I was now fully prepared for a showdown with that ridiculous clown.
I returned to the same circus and sat in the exact same seat as I had before.......
....and the variety acts came and went as before without attracting my interest. 

 

For I was waiting in anticipation for the clowns to appear......
And finally......they did!
And there he was!
......the same fat clown....
..... moving into the spotlight...........
..... picking up the microphone...........
........and asking for a gullible volunteer.
My arm shoots up into the air!
And he walks towards me......... 

 

....I begin to savour every delicious moment of my cleverly planned revenge.
He immediately launches into his routine without a moments pause.....
.......asking me "Are you a silly horse?"
"No" I reply....smiling confidently
"So are you a silly donkey then?" comes his sharp follow-up
"No Way!" I beam
"Then you must be a silly ASS!" he shouts triumphantly!
At which point I leap forward and snatch the microphone from him whilst immediately composing myself amidst the uproar and excitement that ensues........
The clown looks at me in horror!
Does he recognise me?
Is he now realising that this is 'pay back' time?
.....and that I am exacting revenge for myself and all those countless other innocent victims of his cruel humiliation!
I clear my throat.......... and the big top falls silent............
....and while I speak I can hear my own voice booming confidently around the arena through the Circus PA system......
.....as I deliver my highly polished......

.... and immortal response...........

"Sod off ! You red nosed twat!"

 

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel