Lord Noel Has Accomodation Unavailable

Whatto! Tenants...

As Virtual Manor is a relatively large property with far too much space for just Lady J and myself, we decided to allow three lodgers to join us.

I placed the advertisements in some very classy journals including a general picture (above) of our courtyard - with the emphasis on the jacuzzi...

.....in order to attract the 'right calibre' of clientele...

My only stipulations were that the successful applicant should be:

1. Female

2. Attractive and (if possible)

3. Foreign

Really not too much to ask............

But I didn't want to put people orf by sounding too haughty, so I asked a quite 'earthy' chap at the pub to sort out the wording for me....... something 'approachable' I said........

He came up with this:

"Free board and lodgings in posh gaff available NOW for three gorgeous foreign birds!"

Brilliant! (he said)....... well then, that should do it!

I was extremely pleased with the response........

We had a number of hopeful replies (as you can imagine)...

And as I waded through the mountain of applications it soon became clear that people's perceptions of themselves aren't always based on what I would call......'reality!'

But eventually, through rigorous vetting...

..the three lucky winners emerged...

Excerpts from their applications are featured below - (the comments in brackets are mine):

"Hi! Lord noel (nice friendly familiar tone to start with) I am a Polish blonde with green eyes (sounds perfect already) and because I am European I am used to English weather haha! (sense of humour - I like that!) I am a young attractive single female wishing to start a new life in the UK (sounds great!) and I know I could find happiness within your home.... and also offer you a great deal of pleasure in the process. (Perfect)

Best wishes from Supreme" (what a lovely name!)

"Hello Lord Noel. I have read your advert and am very keen to join you and your lovely wife in your gorgeous Manor house (nice the way she included Lady Jacqueline). I am a very quiet person (always a bonus) and am living in South East Asia right now (I wonder if she's Thai?). I like all sorts of food but I don't eat too much as I am only very small (Perfect!). I have very dark skin and dark eyes (just what I love!) but maybe your English weather will make my skin go lighter in colour? (sounds sooooo exotic!) I am naturally dark with gold and reddish highlights (obviously cares about her appearance) I don't know but I hope you chose me because it will make me very happy (What a lovely lady). I will try to make you very happy! (You're in!)

With peaceful Greetings from S/E Asia....signed Silkie"

"Good Day to you both (how charming)......I am keen to improve my English and would very much like to live with you in England (nice and direct - doesn't mince her words - I like that!). I am originally from Indonesia but I speak English very well and am a hard worker (very useful to know). I am quite small but quite strong and willing to help out whenever I can to make life easier for you both (she sounds very helpful indeed) . I can also do various forms of foot massage (You're in!) and hope you can find space for me in your beautiful home......yours with sincerity Banty"

I just can't wait to meet them all!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel