Lord Noel On Celebrating Llammas

Whatto! Revellers......

August 1st was once described in song by 'Faerie Queen Loafagh'.......

.....when she sang about "the opening cottage door that creakily moves aside to allow the dweller within to glimpse from the murky, dust and stench filled stale indoor air, out into the air of Summer, to breathe in the heady fragrances and view the abundant gifts of the non-cottagey world".......strangely it never reached the 'Elfin top 10'.

King Aug 'The Giddy' (below) - who incidentally was heavily addicted to plant nutrients and would regularly drink a quart of 'Miricle grow' each afternoon -.....saw all the crops as they were harvested from the fields.....

.....and he felt the scorchingly relaxing sun on his foliaged face (unbeknownst to him, it was already beginning to wane - The Sun, not his face) which was throwing down its intense heat and energy at this time of plentiful happiness and he said to his subjects: "This is a time for celebration and enjoyment of The Earths bountiful gifts - and I shall call it 'The Great Glut'!"....... and then he fell over.


For some reason that particular phrase never really took off......... and 'Llammas' became the traditional name (for reasons that will shortly become clear) that we use to celebrate all of this.
(Incidentally, the first 'L' of Llammas is silent but the second 'L' is extra loud to compensate for this - so often the first 'L' is considered to be largely superfluous and completely omitted).
Llammas is often referred to by historians as a 'historical celebration' but in fact it is a 'hysterical celebration'.... to commemorate the 'hysterical Llammas' that roamed the Norfolk countryside before the 'fourth plague'.

At that time the Llammas were warmly welcomed in every household as they were such cheerful creatures who enjoyed laughing and dancing to excess and to INXS.

The humans at that time found their presence and their presents, quite rewarding and would always feel much better for having danced, eaten and sung with them.

At some point the Llammas would inevitably over-indulge but they would remain great company (apart from the spitting) and would often be invited to 'stay over' in the hope of prolonging the celebration and continuing the festivities for as long as possible.
The Llammas main motivation was to encourage humans to step out of their cottages and join them in the outside world and enjoy all of its 'boootys'.

 The 'Fourth Plague' referred to above eludes to a largely secretive era during the 'Dull Ages' when a group of hysterical Llammas suddenly took up weapons and used them to viciously attack anyone who happened to be taller than them.
This course of action was believed to have begun after an intoxicated Llamma was crushed to death after being accidentally stood on by a horse called Sheridan....

....who apologised profusely after the incident but was subsequently found the next morning in a hedge with the words 'Hairy Plonker' brutally daubed across its fetlocks - a typical Llamma taunting trick!
A friendly Llamma named Randolph discovered Sheridan the next morning, and after taking him to get cleaned up................Randolph set to work constructing the village sign which still stands in the tiny Norfolk village of 'Lammas' today!
On this sign, depicting their morning meeting, one can clearly see the shape of Randolph on the left and that of Sheridan on the right - (minus daubings)......

.....and their confused meeting beside the hedge where Sheridan had been abandoned. The sign also records the only two words spoken between them - those being the confused 'ER!?' (twice).

This disgusting act of bullying had actually taken place the previous evening at exactly seven minutes to eight (according to Sheridan's watch) so this time was also included in the sign as a warning to other travellers in the area to be on their guard.
Obviously the intended victims of the 'Rebel Llammas' included a great many tall humanoids, who immediately set about inventing poisons and firearms to use against the Rebel Llammas in an effort to 'sort them out' - vigilante style!........ Needless to say.....some barbaric acts were committed during these 'Dull Ages'.

Man caught in layby with Llamma girlfriend

It is sad to consider that without this infamous 'Revolt' we may still - to this day - be living in a society, free of poisons and firearms!
The Llammas, who were largely a peaceful (if hysterical) group, were gradually interrogated and incarcerated.....at a secret location known as 'Llammatanamo Bay'

........but it was always going to be difficult for King Aug (the Giddy) to prove which of the prisoners had been active members of the 'Rebel' group.
For the highly sensitive Llammas who remained free, the threat of imminent arrest or violence from the humans was all too much, and they quickly left the British Isles (or 'Great Murkin' as it was then called) through an elaborate smuggling system (wooden boxes) to a secret destination (Peru) where they still live in happy isolation.

Our modern day Llammas 'Celebration' is a chance for everyone to relive those joyous times, when playful Llammas lived peacefully amongst us.

Often revellers give themselves Llamma names (like Neville or Cedric)

(This is Neville)
.........and dress up like the 'Llammas of olde'.........
........ to dance and skip and sing together.

I spent a delightful Lammas evening........
.....in the company of like-minded people......
 ....who had all gathered together........

.....to celebrate Llammas........ in our own inimitable style......

.....and a great time was had by all!

(PS. I took these pictures before the Llammas costumes were put on).

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel