Lord Noel Talks Schitt

Whatto! E-mailers......

I must say, I was surprised by a communication that I received the other day.......

....... it simply said "Yu dunno Schit!"

This also left me.........

........ a trifle confused......

..... because I'm not sure exactly which 'Schitt' (as it is properly spelt) they were referring to.
I suppose it could have been Jack Schitt...... 

.....the only son of Badd and Owe (a lovely couple who originally emigrated here from Albania and are now partners in a local fertilizer company - Needeep 'n' Schitt Ltd). 

It was Jack who married his attractive wife Fullah, with whom he went on to produce his eight delightful children - three sons: Dumm, Bool and Dipp and five lovely daughters: Holey, Noe, Total, Kompleat and Giva. 

The son Dumm secretly married against his parents wishes, his childhood sweetheart Mega Krappa, who I think, was rather thankful to be able to change her unfortunate surname in the process! 

Young Dipp spent some time in the Air Force then met and married a foreign lady named Loda and together they had a weak and extremely frightened son named 'Jeeken'. 

I also remember all the fuss and excitement that was caused in our Village by the announcement of a big 'double wedding' that was going to be held at the big Schitt Mansion for Giva and Total when together they married the wealthy and handsome 'Happens' twin brothers in a wonderfully flamboyant 'dual' ceremony. 

The entire event was widely commented on in the local newpapers who were all very keen to cover it. Lady Jacqueline and I were amongst the specially selected guests at the 'Schitt-Happens' wedding.

I must say that of all the brides who were married that year, it was Holey who quickly produced a son.........far sooner than anyone expected............in fact it was before the end of the ceremony!.......... Apparently he was called Lifesa.....

Unfortunately she had already taken her new husband to the cleaners...... where his wedding clothes shrunk......... so he had to get married in his speedo trunks.

They of course, went on to have three more Schitt sons.... named Dug Burt and Horace.
The tendency towards 'double-barrelling' continued with the marriage of Jack's youngest daughter Kompleat. She was a girl who was said to have always been extremely spoilt by her parents. Despite her incessant demands she finally found herself married to the man of her dreams - Watten Uttah. 

But being married to Kompleat seemed to change him and very soon stories abounded of Watten Uttah-Schitt he was - an unreasonable man. She managed to free herself from him in a rather acrimonious divorce and went back again to simply being a Kompleat Schitt........ whereas Watten remained an Uttah-Schitt for the rest of his short (and painful) life.

In the end it was the rather shy Bool who surprised everyone by deciding to travel Europe and the world.......eventually becoming a professional Matador. He had many interesting adventures and finally settled down in Italy where he met and married his attractive and much, much younger wife Piza. 

(But I'm told he never really treated her very well).

Noe was happily married to the wealthy but eccentric industrialist David Farken.... 

....and through her fictional writings became the (now infamous) Authoress: Noe Farken-Schitt.
So.....
I hope this clarifies the situation for whoever sent me that e-mail message....
You see..........I really DO know Schitt!



Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel