Lord Noel's Patella Ponderings

Whatto! Once more!!!..............

I thought it might be nice to spend a short while pondering ........about a very underestimated part of the human anatomy....

Yes...

it's the human knee!!

What an amazingly strong part of the body!.......

..............when healthy and well cared for............

Mine feel a bit 'shot' at the moment....

...........following excessive wear and tear on a recent 'break' in Cornwall!

All that surfing, body boarding and hill climbing ...in my 'disco shoes'...........

.....have taken their toll on my once magnificent joints...........

I find it so difficult to describe an attractive knee..

.....is it something to do with the proportions?

.....could an unhealthy knee ever been seen as something nice to look at?

Maybe it's just something that ...

....when you see a lovely knee...

..........you know straight away!!??

The knee is often also seen as the gateway to paradise!

.....the last major stop before the 'garden of delights'....

But my dear wife Lady Jacqueline won't thank me for writing this blog...

.............she hates knees and everything they stand for!!........

she can't stand to even talk about knees nver mind touch them or have hers interferred with in any way whatsoever!!..

Yuk!!!...

It's just that I suddenly realised that we use our knees in so many different ways..

.....in proposals of marriage for example...

....unless this chap above is really that small?.............

.....in which case the lady clearly enjoys the company of midgets...

.......and before you say "Oh here he goes again being heightist!" there's anything wrong in that...

...Some of my dearest friends are vertically challenged...

We use our knees to pay homage...

....and when we are in desperate situations...

......we can fall to our knees as a act of supplication...

The idea of touching a knee can be abhorrent to some people...

I suppose it's because...

....it really is quite an intimate part of the body...

..and an area we are not used to others touching FREELY...

...(although I must admit I've never actually PAID for it)!...

Knees have often been the source of jokes and a subject for derision...

I wonder what ever happened to the 'Knobbly Knees Competitions' 

that used to be regularly held at holiday resorts?

....and after all...we can have SO much fun on our knees!..

"Knee etiquette" (a monthly journal that I often subscribe to)....

.... suggests the following advice to the knee novice..

"When you meet someone for the very first time 

it is sufficient to merely touch the patella lightly to signify a warm welcome"..

"If someone is exposing their knees openly...
this is usually a sign that they are happy with their knees"...

..."and it could be an indication that they are the type of person 

who would enjoy further intimate contact in that area"...

"In this instance one should be brave and take a firm grip of the lower leg and move the hands slowly towards the knee area in a friendly but respectful manner"...

"On NO ACCOUNT should any person be put in an embarrassing position".

.."and one should never assume that this is an open invitation 

to move onto more complicated knee caressing"...

"..especially on a first date!"

You can tell quite a lot from peoples body language 

long before you are introduced.

For example: If their knee is moving in this manner as you approach them...

.... it is very likely that their foot is about to strike you 

firmly between the legs....

I do hope you have found today's lecture useful..

..and don't forget.....if you're a friend of mine...

You can expect to have your knees fondled from time to time..

....Absolutely FREE!

Tallyho!!

Best wishes - Lord Noel