Lord Noel's Weight Loss Programme

Whatto! Larger persons......

Many people like to 'celebrate' their size.........

....feeling comfortable to live inside their gigantic bodies........

....... without any sense of shame or embarrassment.

But for the 'enlightened others'....

.....I have developed the 'Lord Noel Weight Loss Programme'.

The principle of this programme....

.......is in slowly changing peoples mindset about the way they view themselves.

I begin by explaining what 'Diet' is..............

......"A diet is a weigh of life"......I say.

And yes......

I can hear the size already.........

....."Tell us something we don't already know!".....you cry......

......"Tell us why all the food we eat ......

.....seems to go straight to my thighs!"And I will!

A 'Diet' is something most of us do quite religiously................

......we eat exactly what we want to.......

....whenever we feel like it......

......and pray we don't gain weight. With this programme.......

.... I don't encourage anyone to achieve extreme weight loss.

As far as I'm concerned a diet is something you go on.....

........... when not only can you not fit into the shop's dresses.............

......but you can't fit into the dressing room. One guideline I like to promote.......

......applies to fat and thin people alike:

If you're thin, don't eat fast..........

.......and if you're fat, don't eat.......

...... fast.

And you can take that a stage further by adding......

"And don't eat fast food". The problem with trying to curb our appetites.........

............ is that a lot of people think they're doing it.............

....at the drive-in window of McDonalds.But it really is the simplest of changes.......

....that can make the biggest impact on our size.

For example.........

Do you know what the most fattening thing is......

.....that you can put into an ice cream sundae?

Well?

Any ideas?

The answer is.......

.... of course.......

.......a spoon.

During the development of "Lord Noel's Weight Loss programme" we discovered some minor drawbacks .....

....which we are slowly trying to reduce........

The biggest drawback is that fasting for seven days.......

.......... makes one weak.

Educating one's palate is always an important step for any dieter.

I advise all dieters to avoid Pepsi................

.....because it's "the drink that refleshes".

We have also found that 'Sweets' are the destiny that shape our ends.

So........Are you thick and tyred of dieting?

Well this programme is for you! The toughest part of a diet is often watching what you eat..........

....it's so easy to lose sight of things......

....for instance......

....like the table.

Some people don't see all the food they've munched through.........

....until it's too late.

I never encourage people to lose weight with other people's help......

....because it can be very difficult watching what other people eat. I always feel that food.........

....... is for women who not only wish to keep their girlish figure.......

........ but double it. But it's NOT easy!

And I am the first to admit that.....

....ALL diets involve you having to go to some length......

.......... to change your width. And remember..............

......it's not the minutes spent at the table.......

........ that put on the weight........

...... it's the seconds.

One of the best ways we have found to lose weight.......

....... is by skipping..........

......skipping snacks and deserts.

When you begin our weight loss programme...............

.....we conduct an 'in depth' survey into your 'lifestyle habits'.........

....this is the point at which we often discover........

....that many people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two........

.........alone.

Of course a very large group go to places like 'Weight Watchers'........

...... to learn their lessens. But we have many 'Secrets' within "Lord Noel's Weight Loss Programme".......

....which we will gradually reveal to you....

....once you have subscribed to the programme.

One secret is in, what we like to call...............

....'Total Nourishment'............

....this is a specially constructed modern-day meal........

....... in which a family counts its calories.........

........instead of its blessings.

Sunscribe NOW!

You'll lose pounds!! (Through regular direct debits)

And finally.......
I'd like to leave you with a little tail.......

It's called "The Three Little Pigs"
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a diet Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy.......' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy replies........
........ 'Well, somebody has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!" '




Tallyho!


Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline