Lord Noel on People Who Worry Too Much

Whatto! Peeps....

There are so many worried people in the world and a lot of them write to me saying things like....
"Lord Noel ....I am really very very worried!"
Did you know that worrying can be the single biggest cause of stress?
If you're a worrier...... here's a good Tip for you to follow:

You can easily prevent Postmen reading all the postcards you send back home whilst you are on holiday, by sending them in a sealed envelope to a trusted friend and asking them to personally hand deliver each one.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - lord Noel

Lord Noel's Top Tip for Motorists

Whatto! Motorists.....

So many drivers have asked me for some tips on how to make driving safer for them that I have at last, relented....

...and so I say to both of you....

....here's a tip my Grandmother gave to me (just before they took her away) which is still very relevant today.

"Always remember to remove your trousers and tie them around your neck before you get into a car. That way you will be easily able to remove your handkerchief, wallet or lighter from your trouser pocket with ease - even after you've fastened your seat belt."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Getting Lost In Translation

Whatto! Peeps....

I was chatting online to a lovely Asian lady and she told me "More and more Chinese people like to get a First or 'Christian' name, so that we can easily communicate with westerners, if not, there is no way they can remember our name. As for Hong Kong, I think nearly 90% of the Chinese have a Christian name. Like I am Carol!!! However, our last name, which cannot be changed, is still in Mandrin. 
If we are travelling to Shanghai, Beijing, Fujian, or Taiwan, Singapore and Malaysia, some of them may not use Mandrin, they may use Cantonese, Hokkien or whatever dialect. 
The combination of our new Christian name and Chinese surname in those dialects, could mean something that is very funny." 


She gave these examples:

Anne Chang => Dirty (Mandarin)
Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin)
Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin)
Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)
Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)
Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien)
Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin)
Suzie Leow => Lose till death (Hokkien)
Henry Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin)
Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien)
Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin)
Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)
Leslie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)
Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien)
Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese)
Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)
Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien)
Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien)
Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese)
So we must remember to pronounce our name in different dialects and make sure it is alright before getting a Christian name."


She then told me this Chinese joke:


Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? 
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me. 
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! 
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this? 
Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. 
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? 
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan has been involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. 
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! 
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you? 
Operator : I'm Saw Lee. 
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!! 


......This is what happens if you talk to westerners."




Tarryho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on A Batch of Oscar Wilde's Wit

Whatto! Peeps.....

Oscar Wilde was not only a jolly clever chap...
....but he was also bally well Irish!
So I've cobbled together a collection of his wittiest remarks for you to enjoy.
So....Oscar said....
"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal." 
"A poet can survive everything but a misprint." 
"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." 
"A true friend stabs you in the front." 
"All art is quite useless." 
"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." 
"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much." 
"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied." 
"As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn't become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him." 
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." 
"Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them." 
"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." 
"I am not young enough to know everything." 
"Illusion is the first of all pleasures." 
"All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling." 
"It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly." 
"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead." 
"Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one." 
"Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance." 
"Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm." 
"She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman." 
"The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read." 
"The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything." 
"America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up." 
"There is no sin except stupidity." 
"There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose." 
"There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." 
"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong." 
"Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes."
"Life is far too important to be taken seriously."
"Who are you staring at you ginger haired freak?!"



Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Getting What You Want

Whatto! Peeps...

"You can achieve absolutely anything, when you have enough vision, determination and expendable labour."

Todays thought:

The only person....

....who can stop you....

....getting what you want.....

....is YOU.

...(and that store detective).

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Star Wars Names

Whatto! Star Wars fans.....

Try this!

It appears that George Lucas uses a formula to create all those odd names
you hear in the Star Wars trilogy and Phantom Menace (Jar Jar Binks,
ObiWan, etc.). 

Well...now I have the formula! 

To see what your Star Wars name is, follow the steps below...

   Star Wars First Name
     1: Take the first 3 letters of your last name.
     2: Add to that, the first 2 letters of your first name.

   Star Wars Last Name
     1: Take the first 2 letters of your mother's maiden name.
     2: Add to that the first 3 letters of the name of the town or 
city you were born in.

So that makes my Star Wars name...... Ohano Clidub!

I like it!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel's Advice To Covenience Store Owners

Whatto!.....Convenience store owners....

I have been made privy to a cunning and evil scam which is being perpetrated, as we speak, by unscrupulous convenience store customers which I feel you all need to know about. Armed with this information you can ensure that you don't get fooled by devious customers!
The details of the SCAM are as follows:
Customers will drive for many miles in order to make regular visits both early in the morning and late in the evening to your shop to buy cigarettes, milk, bread and other basic provisions simply in order to try to convince you that they live very close by!
You have been warned!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Shows You His Tits

Whatto! Peeps.....

   I love Nature and I love it even more....... when nature loves me.....

....and recently we were thrilled by the company of some beautiful blue tits which came to our kitchen window....

One in particular was extremely insistent...
...tapping on the glass with it's tiny little beak....

...and excitedly flying up and down alot.....
...a bit like a cross between a humming bird and a tit.....
...maybe a 'hit'?
Then I figured out what was going on....

...we have a line of small red lights on the windowcil and they obviously thought they were ripe berries.....

It was amazing to be able to take these pictures from only about six inches away...
...it seemed completely at ease with me being so close....
 ...and it just kept on tap tap tapping and tapping away with his little beak....
...just tapping and tapping away....
...tap tap tap....
...tipppety tippety tap...
...tappity tipppety.....
....tappity tep tep tepp....

....so I shot it.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Breathing

Whatto! Peeps....

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave, but don't leave me.
Look around, choose your own ground.
Long you live and high you fly

and smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
and all you touch and all you see
is all your life will ever be.
Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, against the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down - it's time to dig another one.
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide.
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave. 

 

xxx Roger Waters xxx

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel says "The Show Must Go On!"

Whatto! Peeps.....

Lord Noel & Baron Von Chalfonse comparing intimate hair pieces

Having woken up today to find that the World hasn't actually ended......
......and that those pesky Christians were all lying to us again...
...(no change there then).....

....I shall regale you of the celebrations which we took part in last night which were billed as our...
..."End of the World" & "Goodbye Son" party!....
....(either way we get rid of our son)....

The plan is for him to travel alone to Australia.....
....and stay there for an, as yet, undefined period of time which could be.....
....a year......(highly optimistic)
.....six months.......(most unlikely)
....several weeks......(preferred option if bets are being taken and any of my money is at stake)
....I suppose we shall just have to wait and see....

Stevie meets one of our local Hobbits

I get covered with Seaman

'Glam X' rock expertly into the early hours with their splendid mix of 70's Glam Rock anthems

I wonder how you spent your 'potentially last day' on earth?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel says "Apparently the World Ends Today"

Whatto! Peeps....

In Christian eschatology, the Rapture is a reference to the 'End Times' when the Christians will be gathered together into the air to meet Christ...
....while the rest of us Heathens are left behind to face the Apocalypse.
Whoooopie!
The primary passage used to support the idea of the Rapture is 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17, in which Paul (who never actually met Christ while he was alive) cites "the word of the Lord" about the return of Jesus to gather his saints.

    ... and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

American Preacher, Evangelical broadcaster and Nutter Harold Camping has announced that Jesus Christ will return to Earth on Saturday, May 21, and many of his followers have been traveling the country in preparation for the weekend Rapture....

Seriously!....
Grown Adults with no outward signs of mental retardation actually believe this stuff!
They’re undeterred, it seems, by Mr. Camping’s dodgy track record with previous end-of-the-world predictions. (Years ago, he argued at length that the reckoning would come in 1994.)
These people are PURE EVIL.....

I'm not sure what motivates people like him to predict and then predict again the end of the world.....
...other than to strike fear into the amazing amount of gullible idiots who still believe such fairy stories...
....which maybe isn't such a bad thing.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel says "More Good News!"

Whatto! Peeps....

Mr Rob Summers, 25, was walking by a road in Portland, Oregon, when a car mounted the kerb and smashed into him on July 12 2006. Previously an athlete in peak physical condition, he suffered serious spinal cord damage which left him paraplegic.

Rob is the first patient to respond to the groundbreaking therapy, which involves many hours of training combined with electrical stimulus. This hit-and-run victim who was completely paralysed from the waist down has now stood up on his own and taken faltering steps on a treadmill after pioneering treatment.

He said: "This procedure has completely changed my life."
The treatment, which took 30 years to develop, by-passes the brain and "teaches" the spinal cord to control limbs and body functions independently.

As a result, Mr Summers, who is normally confined to a wheelchair, has been able to push himself up and stand for several minutes without assistance.

Rob.....finally back on his feet again

With help, he has also made repeated stepping motions on a treadmill and voluntarily moved his hips, knees, ankles and toes. In addition, he has regained some sexual and bladder function.

Scientists described the success, reported in The Lancet medical journal, as "a breakthrough" but cautioned that there is still much more work to be done.

Professor Susan Harkema, from the Kentucky Spinal Cord Research Centre at the University of Louisville, said: "This is a breakthrough. It opens up a huge opportunity to improve the daily functioning of these individuals, but we have a long road ahead."

The scientists hope that in future some severely paralysed patients will at least be able to recover enough independent movement to stand, maintain balance and even begin to walk. However, they acknowledge that the technique is still far from being a practical treatment.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Enjoys Staring At A Wall

Whatto! Peeps.....

Last night Lady Jacqueline and I were in London, as the honoured guests of a Financial Adviser friend of ours....

Lady Jacqueline & Lord Noel outside the O2 Arena in London

....who took us to the O2 Arena......
....where he just happened to have an Executive Box...

A Box with a Bar!

 ....where we sat in total comfort .....
....with a fabulous view of the stage - drinking copious amounts of complimentary wine......

The whole place was buzzing with excitement and anticipation.......

 .....and rightly so..
...because this show totally lived up to the expectations of his fans and Pink Floyd fans everywhere.....

His performance of 'The Wall' was simply stunning with the Wall itself becoming the backdrop for provocative images and animated feasts of Art.......
....and - thanks to the wonders of modern technology - slowly transforming into the main event!

Last nights show was the last London gig for the absolutely amazingly talented Roger Waters......
....and the show was just as relevant as it has ever been.

This was the treat of a lifetime for us both....

 .....and we are so glad to have witnessed it.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Lord Noel on Threesomes

Whatto! Peeps.....

Those of you who follow me regularly.....
...(and I'm not talking about YOU 'Shopping trolley Lady' - who constantly follows me about the village)...
...No, I'm talking about all the lovely virtual people out there who spend most of their lives reading other people's blogs.....
You will know that I continually seek to find stimulation for my massively overactive cranium.
I have often fantasised (as have so many of the male population) about having a threesome - the ultimate physical and mental experience.....
....and now Ladies and Gentlemen I'm pleased to announce that I've been given the go ahead by Lady Jacqueline to enjoy one to the full!
All I have to do is find two willing participants....
...and they must be people who have vast amounts of mental and physical agility.....
...because they will definitely need it.
We could be spending an awful lot of 'quality time' together....
...so you should be attractive, interesting, humorous, creative and also smell nice.
Then together we can look forward to hours and hours of......
...THIS!

Three Way Chess!....Yeah Baby!

Yes!...not content with the historical and now apparently rudimentary game of 'standard chess' involving just two players, some clever soandso has come up with this brain explodingly complex version which enables (amongst other things) a new diagonal move which can return a player to their starting position via a curved route.
Right, I've got my baby oil....
I'm orf to assume my starting position.....
....this could take some time.....

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel