Lord Noel Helps Out

What ho! Pepys...

Tomorrow night is the last day of the Calendar year.
My good Lady wife and I shall be frequenting our local Taverna where they will be providing some top notch talent to see in the New Year to.
You too may be hitting the tiles to Celebrate with some friends.
Wouldn't it be awful if some ugly person started hitting on you whilst you were trying to enjoy yourself?
Wouldn't it be great if you only had some devastating one-liners to totally destroy that person so you could get on with enjoying your night in peace?
Well now you can!
Here are a collection of one-liners which will have you Partying with your friends - unencumbered by any drunken letch that may take a shine to you!

Lord Noel's New Years Eve Put Downs

It's been lovely talking to you but why don't you go down to the library now and brush up on your ignorance?


I know you must have seen me and thought I was too good for you but you obviously changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

You seem to me like someone who has an inferiority complex -- and for once it's fully justified.

Having met you - you're not as bad as people say -- you are far worse!

Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison your drink.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Who am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What was your name again?

Why not take a vacation? ...go to Club Dead.

Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.

You are certainly as strong as an ox but not quite as intelligent.

You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.

You're beginning to grow on me -- like a wart!

You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.

You seem like someone who's down to earth, just not quite far down enough.

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

I can see you're nobody's fool, but maybe one day someone will adopt you.

You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.

You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet!!

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I would like the pleasure of your company, but so far I'm only getting displeasure.

You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.

At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.

If you ever taxed your brain, it wouldn't cost you anything.

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull?

What's the latest dope -- besides you?

I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a blur.

You clearly don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.

Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for some dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.

If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.

I really admire you. Personally I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.

You have a face only a mother could love -- to spank!

They say opposites attract. So I hope one day you'll meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

  Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Coffee

What ho! Pepys...

Are you someone who still prefers to drink coffee?
Well you may need to be brought up to speed with a radical new use for this amazing beverage.
If you are truly serious about transforming your health in dramatic ways, implementing coffee enemas into your regular routine is essential for achieving the life-changing results you have always desired. No matter what dietary protocols, exercise routines, or lifestyle habits you embrace, coffee enemas can help you reach the next level of vibrant health that you might not have even thought possible. Here are seven specific ways that coffee enemas can drastically improve your health:



1) Coffee enemas reduce levels of systemic toxicity by up to 700 percent. According to the late Dr. Max Gerson, a pioneer of coffee enema therapy and its effectiveness as part of his famous Gerson Diet, caffeine and other beneficial compounds in coffee stimulate the production of glutathione S-transferase (GST) in the liver. GST is said to be the "master detoxifier" in the body, as this powerful enzyme binds with toxins throughout the body and flushes them out during the enema process.



According to a 1982 study conducted by the National Research Council (NRC), the effect of green coffee bean consumption on the production of GST in test mice was an astounding 600 percent increase in the liver, and a 700 percent increase in the small intestine. In humans, the effect is similar, if not amplified, during a coffee enema, as coffee is able to directly stimulate the liver without having to first run through the digestive tract. The result is a powerful detoxifying effect that is unmatched by sheer diet alone.



2) Coffee enemas cleanse and heal the colon and digestive tract, improve peristalsis. Besides detoxifying, coffee enemas also cleanse and flush the digestive tract and colon without substantially disrupting the beneficial flora that populate a healthy gut. By regularly taking coffee enemas, you will not only help keep your digestive tract clean and free of debris and toxic buildup, but you will also promote healthy peristalsis, which is the series of organized muscle contractions that move food through the digestive tract and the tubular organs that connect to the kidneys and bladder.



3) Coffee enemas boost energy levels, improve mental clarity and mood. As with any detox protocol, the body is effectively ridding itself of poisons that sludge up the blood; decrease oxygen transfer; and clog up the intestines, all of which generally leave a person feeling fatigued and ill. A coffee enema is a particularly effective detoxifier; however, as the direct absorption of caffeine and palmitates into the bloodstream stimulates the release of bile and the efficient removal of wastes from the body in one fell swoop. The end result is a detoxifying release so powerful that many people describe it as a "high" marked by significantly improved energy levels, enhanced mental clarity, and better moods.



4) Coffee enemas eliminate parasites, candida. Because of the immense toxic load that results from regular exposure to chemicals in food, water, air, and the environment, the body is often unable to fully and effectively eliminate all toxins and maintain homeostasis by itself. Intestinally, this can result in a gradual buildup of impacted fecal matter, parasites, candida, and other toxins. Coffee enemas; however, can effectively alleviate all this by fully irrigating and flushing the colon in such a way as to break up these "nests" of disease, and eliminate them from the body.



5) Coffee enemas detoxify, repair liver. If you regularly suffer from symptoms like bloating, stomach pain, flatulence, and other problems commonly associated with poor digestion, chances are your liver is overburdened and not functioning up to par. Coffee enemas are an excellent way to fix this; however, as the coffee and all of its nutrients are directly absorbed into the liver through the colon wall, where they take on the immense toxic load that the liver is otherwise unable to process quickly enough on its own.



6) Coffee enemas relieve chronic pain, ease "die-off" symptoms during cleanses, detox regimens. Interestingly, one of the earliest known uses for enemas was as a pain reliever. During World War I, nurses actually discovered that water enemas effectively relieved soldiers' pain when drugs like morphine were in short supply. Fast forward about a decade and researchers out of Germany had made the discovery that coffee worked even better than water at offering powerful analgesic benefits, which can be particularly helpful when undergoing other dietary cleanses and detoxes that cause "die-off" and other pain symptoms.



7) Coffee enemas heal and prevent chronic illness. Ultimately, coffee enemas are one of the most effective ways to maintain a clean body that is free of disease. Even if you already suffer from a debilitating, chronic illness such as cancer, coffee enemas can provide both relief and healing without the need for drugs. This is why Dr. Gerson placed so much emphasis on coffee enemas as a key component of his cancer-curing Gerson Therapy, which you can learn more about here:

So...next time you make yourself a coffee why not think about shoving up your jacksy?
Bottoms Up!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Goes Nuts

What ho! Pepys...

If you have ever used pistachios or almonds to represent ideas or concepts...

You may be suffering from a nut allegory.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Thinks

What ho! Pepys...

I've been thinking.
You know how at this time of year our minds turn to murdering vast quantities of Turkeys?
Well this made me think about something else...
I think that the Giant Panda could easily be saved and we could even see Chinese farmers breeding more of them to meet increasing demand, if Deliah could only come up with the right recipe!



Tallyho!

Best Wishes and Happy Xmas
Lord Noel



Lord Noel's Xmas Fairy

What ho! Pepys...

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the

regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. 

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. 

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. 

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it

just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree!

Tallyho!

Have a lovely Xmas y'all

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Happy Xmas

What ho! Pepys...

I'm always trying to bring in some new ideas for Xmas rather than doing the same old thing each year. This year I suggested to Lady Jacqueline "For a refreshing change this Xmas, why not put our chipolatas on blinis & call them "pigs-on-waterbeds"?" 

If you need me I'll be resting under the Xmas tree...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Supermarket Trip

What ho! Pepys...

They had this special offer on - for Polygimists

As my Butler had the day orf I went by myself to visit the Supermarket and I found it a most miserable and depressing experience. If I could describe Hell it would definitely be something like this.

Even the Staff were unhelpful!

I asked one 'assistant' if she could point me to where the cloves are and she sent me to the 'Garments Department'

I've bought lots of so called 'Special' products from the Supermarket for Xmas and have since sampled them all to find out which ones are totally top notch.

I have still yet to discover an 'All-Butter Mince Pie' that lives up to my highest expectations.

So here - In desperation - is my recipe for 'All-butter mince pies'.

(1) Take a packet of butter.

(2) Carve it into the shape of a mince pie.

(3) Eat it.

You're Welcome!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

(Well known Xmas Glutton)

Lord Noel's Merry Africans

What ho! Pepys...

I am always receiving emails from my fans in Africa offering me vast amounts of cash which I naturally politely decline, pointing out that I already have several rooms crammed full of money and a shed full of small change.

It's really lovely to know that they are all thinking of me and making such generous offers - especially as I was led to understand that Africans are notoriously poverty striken!

So to all my African friends I would like to send Greeting of the Season in my own inimitable way...

 Merry Christmas!

In Akan (Ghana) "Afishapa"

In Shona (Zimbabwe) "krisimas yakanaka"

In Afrikaans (South Africa) "Geseënde Kersfees"

In Zulu (South Africa) "Sinifisela Ukhisimusi Omuhle"

In Swazi (Swaziland) "Sinifisela Khisimusi Lomuhle"

In Sotho (Lesotho) "Matswalo a Morena a Mabotse"

In Swahili (Tanzania, Kenya) "Kuwa na Krismasi njema"

In Amharic (Ethiopia) "Melkam Yelidet Beaal"

In Egyptian (Egypt) "Colo sana wintom tiebeen"

In Yoruba (Nigeria) "E ku odun, e hu iye' dun!"

 

Tallyho!

 

Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel's Xmas List

What ho! Pepys...

I have managed to locate a number of very interesting presents which are both pleasureable and ecofriendly!

If you're still wondering what to buy me these may give you a clue.

The first is cake!

You can never have enough cake can you?

The baby Jesus loved cake...and so do I.

And then there's DRINK!

Xmas wouldn't be the same without booze.

It's what one of the Wise Men brought to the manger to help everyone Celebrate!

Next - GAMES!

Not the electronic ones... I like sitting by a table and moving things around with my hands whilst interacting with fellow humans! I know I know - I'm so old fashioned.

Here's a game which is VERY popular in Britain right now...

Next up is this little beauty!

Apparently it wakes one up when it's prayer time - with a very loud recording calling one to prayer!

Perfect!

These pressies also took my fancy for their creativeness on a budget!

Who says you have to be loaded to enjoy the Winter Solstice?

First - Personalised balls!

Light these candles and they roast the coffee beans - making the whole room smell delicious!

Jazz up your left over bottles and make them feel special again!

I fill mine with home made sloe gin! Hick! 

Can you afford a black pen?

Yes?

Then you can make someone you love one of these lovely paper weights!



Tallyho!

Best Wishes and a Happy Solstice!

Lord Noel



Lord Noel Says Apocalypse Now?

What ho! Pepys...

I have been severely misled.
By a tribe of people who lived many, many years ago.
Clearly they were blessed with a great sense of humour.
Because I was given to understand that today the World would end and we would all be toyally vapourised by Nature or invading Aliens
... but I am still here!
Don't get me wrong.
I'm very happy to be carrying on living.
But I went to an 'End of the Earth' party last night and drank waaaaaaay too much white wine.
I also collected two round red balloons and one long red one and made myself a giant set of genitals which I managed to somehow strap to my body as I was dancing around on the dance floor.
Luckily I was attacked by a militant lesbian who grasped my balloons roughly and pierced them with her vicious tallons thus bringing my fertility display to an abrupt ending.
What with that and the way my head is feeling - I was kind of looking forward to being vapourised.
Now I have to contend not only with someone beating a huge bass drum deep inside my head but with the thought of Xmas!
It's actually going to happen!
Better start making a shopping list.
Damn those persky Mayans!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Vaccine Update

What ho! Pepys...

The medical industry, if it is even willing to acknowledge the existence of Macrophagic Myofasciitis (MMF) -- for years, conventional medicine also tried to deny the existence of fibromyalgia -- insists that the condition has no known cause. But copious research, including a study published in the journal Brain back in 2001, reveals that there is indeed a known cause of MMF, and that cause is vaccines. As it turns out, vaccines that contain aluminum adjuvants, which include vaccines for hepatitis A and B, as well as the tetanus shot, are directly linked to spurring the inflammatory lesions associated with MMF.

"The association between MMF and multiple sclerosis-like disorders may give new insights into the controversial issues surrounding vaccinations and demyelinating CNS disorders," explains the Brain paper (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11522584). "[I]ntramuscular injections of such vaccines (that contain aluminum) in experimental animal models induce comparable but transient lesions at the site of injection, suggesting that MMF may occur 'in a predisposed subset of individuals with impaired ability to clear aluminum from the deltoid muscle.'"

A later study published in the Ear, Nose & Throat Journal in 2007 made a similar but much more direct connection. In its opening assessment, the study explains that the pathophysiology of MMF "has been traced to the presence of an aluminum adjuvant used in vaccines." According to the findings, aluminum from vaccines aggregates at the site of injection, and as many as one-third of people that develop MMF as a result also end up developing autoimmune disease as well. (http://www.entjournal.com)

Learn more here

or here

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Amazon

What ho! Pepys...

I often go internet shopping because I find the process quick and efficient. 

Sometimes it can also be a source of joy as I found when I checked out this product....and then read the wonderful customer reviews! 

Check it out for yourself here.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

441 of 450 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars A triumph... 1 April 2011

By barkas

From the moment you remove the cap you realise you're in for a treat. Fresh, bright, smoky, with a mineral edge and rounded, fruity nose. Midweight and bold, possessing some edge and no little bite, yet remaining smooth, balanced and satisfying. This is a drink to enjoy with friends in a park. Highly recommended.

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107 of 109 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Wonderful, but where are the blackberries?? 14 Jun 2012

By Mr. L. J. Hudson

Despite going through three bottles of the stuff, I still cannot detect any hint of blackberries on the palate. The company should really have a chat with their in-house tasters who obviously have no clue what they're talking about! They seem to be incapable of telling the difference in flavour between blackcurrant and blackberry.

Still, it's a lovely, refreshing tipple on a summer evening. Best served in a chilled glass with ice. Nothing can beat the kaleidoscopic patterns made by the sun's rays shining through this pale pink bottle of delight. The play of light on my genuine wood veneer Home Bargains patio table is something to behold.

Grab a few bottles of this fabulous drink while it's at such a low price. You will be the talk of all your friends when you present them with a glass of Barrettine at the next barbecue or dinner party. Why not invite Pam and Paul Ross while you're at it? I'm sure they'd love to come.

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24 of 24 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Works wonders...life changing stuff... 13 Dec 2012

By Ronnie Jotten

Are you sick of the mundane quiet comfortable middle-class family life ?
Do you have two well educated spotless kids called Toby and Jocasta and a dog named Henry ?
Have you lost the passion in the once sweet, carefree kiss you give to your Burberry and green wellington booted wife that drives a green rangeRover each morning as you leave for the office ?
Tired of thinking about the many investments, pension plan schemes and the never-ending stream of lawyers bills and up-keep of two homes.
Sick of your Au Pair, gardener and maid ?

YES ?
THEN...

Wipe the slate clean with a healthy dose of Barettine methylated Spirit.
100% guaranteed to secure you a life of fun, chasing pigeons around car parks, swearing incoherently at strangers and not worrying about urinating in ones pants in public.
Thick, grey matted hair will now grow on what once was a shiny balding dome and the narrow, pale, majestic nose will flourish and spread like red broccoli.
You will find a certain freedom in carting around a sleeping bag full of newspaper instead of a Louis Vitton suitcase full of designer pyjamas, and take great pride in winning yet another fist fight with the elderly bag-lady where you hold her head over over a perforated oil drum fire located underneath cold a motorway bridge.

Barretine's Meths changed my life - some would say for the better - give it a go - AN ABSOLOUTE BARGAIN - 5 stars.

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Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

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Lord Noel Gets Shellfish

What ho! Pepys...

When I think about Winkles, Cockles, and Clams.

..I can't help thinking that such items are probably...

the genitalia of the sea. 

Indeed it is said by certain wise old fisherfolk that some Scallops may even be infected 

with crabs! 

So don't dare to ask me if I fancy a swim in the icy Yuletide! 

I wasn't Prawn yesterday!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Likes Oscar Wilde

What ho! Pepys...

Today we have some of the lovely Irishman (who never lived in Norfolk) Oscar Wilde's many Quips...

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.

But what is the difference between literature and journalism? Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all.

We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech. He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, 'How would you have delivered that speech?' Under an assumed name', came the reply from Oscar Wilde.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught

The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

Genius is born - not paid.

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

'One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.'

The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated.

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made.

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.

There is no sin except stupidity.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Has Philosophical Ponderings

What ho! Pepys...

- A day without sunshine is like...night.

- You never see Giraffes playing leapfrog

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

- On the other hand, you have different fingers

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- Remember, half the people you know are below average.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark?

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

- Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

- Anyone who believes in psycho-kinesis should raise my hand.

Okay smart arse!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Life Lessons from Movies

What ho! Pepys...

As a regular Movie goer in my youth I can honestly say that they taught me everything I know about the World today and particularly people and how they will behave. Goodness knows how many times this information has saved my life! Now it may just save yours too! You're welcome!

- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

-- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

-- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

-- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

-- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off even while scuba diving.

-- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

-- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

-- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

-- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

-- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

-- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

-- Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: EnterPassword Now.

-- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

-- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

-- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Reginald - Not Literally Though!

What ho! Pepys...

His two young children watched him with growing feeling of disgust

No matter how many times he tried...

...Reginald seemed incapable of assembling a simple bunk bed.

"Damn You! Bunk bed!" he would yell, late into the night...

....as his children knelt in silent prayers to the Swedish God 'Ikea'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Facts Of Life

What Ho! Pepys...

There are certain things in life that everyone should know...
...here are some of them...

Don't take lettuces from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!

Jeremy Kyle isn't educational TV, so why does it make me feel so much smarter?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I tried to get in touch with my inner child, but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.

Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel