Lord Noel's New Year Resolutions

Whatto! Earthlings.....

In the odd but acceptable scheme of things.....

....today is regarded (for administration purposes only) as the final day of the year.

Tomorrow it will be 2010....

....and who knows what that will bring us all?

Everyone gets a little contemplative around now....

....analysing what has happened in the last twelve months....

.....and making decisions about the future....

...based on what they have learnt.

Even though I'm a Lord and obviously an extremely important and privileged person...

....I'm really just like many other ordinary persons in that respect.

So here are my own personal New Year's Resolutions for 2010......

Firstly.....

....I will stop digging large holes for horses to fall into.....

...it's not clever...

...and it wastes alot of time and resources.....

....for the Emergency Services 

Next....

I will stop putting superglue on small twigs....

...and then shouting "Look at the tits on that!"

I will also start giving monkeys proper hats to wear.....

...instead of those old bits of wood that I find lying around....

....and I promise in future I won't charge them either....

....after all....

....they earn peanuts.

 I will spend more time hanging around with 'like-minded' people.....

 ...instead of strapping meercats to my body....

 ....and pretending I'm a celebrity who's just been kicked out of the jungle.

I will also give up trying to hypnotise cows.....

...it clearly isn't working and....

...it's just embarassing for both of us....

I will also stop trying to find new 'safe sex' positions.......

....for animals who are clearly not Catholics.....

.....and who NEVER show much enthusiasm for my suggestions anyway.

 I will stop throwing small puppies.....

......over wire fences....

 ...just because it makes ME laugh!

I will stop hanging out with squirrels....

 .....they're lazy and all they want to do all day is lie around eating nuts....

 ....and I'M BETTER THAN THAT!

 I will stop confusing innocent tourists.....

 ....by stuffing dead goats....

 ...and balancing them in ridiculous positions on rocky outcrops.

And.....

....whatever medication I'm put on.....

...I will continue to enjoy life to the full!

 Tallyho!
Best Wishes for the New Year - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Straining One Orf

What ho! Mammals....

I was in the pub yesterday having a spot of lunch.....

....when I suddenly realised.....

.....that I desperately needed to strain one orf.

The music was really, very loud......

.....so I used my magnificently toned sphincter muscle....

....to time the emissions to exactly co-incide with the regular beats of the music.

Obviously the large amounts of Xmas food had taken their toll.....

.....because I was still going strong.....

.....a couple of songs later.

Finally I started to feel better.

I finished my pint and then I noticed something rather odd......

....everybody was staring at me!

"It couldn't have been the smell.."...I thought to myself.....

...."Because my methane smells mainly of roses...."

Then I suddenly remembered......

....I was listening to my iPod.

Tallyho!

May the gas be without you....

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The Art Beneath Your Feet

Whatto! Visually Stimulated persons......

I love it whenever I come across Art that demonstrates....
....a great deal of both skill and ingenuity

And when I saw this Artists work.....

...I was knocked out!

(Mainly because I was running and didn't see the lamp post)

Some of the images take you in so well....

...that you could easily be forgiven....
.... for forgetting that they are all hand drawn.

The Artist is the man in the picture above and his name is Julian Beever...

....and the unofficial biography....

....has Julian starting orf his career as a street cleaner.....

...but unfortunately the lure of the cleaning products....

...became too strong to resist!

Soon he was drinking a bottle of Windolene a day!

That probably explains alot about the images he conjours up.....

Anyway....as his expenditure on cleaning products soared.....
....his available cash for drawing paper.....diminished

Fortunately.....

...being both creative AND resourceful......

...he came up with the idea....

...of replacing Paper....

...with Pavement!

...and he hasn't looked back!

Mind you.....

...it does make holding exhibitions rather difficult......

....and it's quite and effort trying to take some of his work home with you.....
...plus....the Council would be very angry too!

Tallyho!

I'm orf to find some pavement to try out my new Xmas Art set...

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady JaJa

Clothing supplier to Artistic persons everywhere!

Lord Noel on Making Spectacles of Oneself

What ho! Boozers.......

 

This is the time of year when the Booze Cruise Partying...
.....just seems to go on and on.....
Apparently we drink 40% MORE alcohol in December than we do at any other time of year!
Considering the amount of booze I drink throughtout the rest of the year....
....that puts me under TREMENDOUS pressure!!

Fortunately.....

All the latest gadgets seem to be booze related.....

....and some of them look REALLY GOOD!

(How was it that I wasn't bought this fine gift for Xmas?)

And everyone says they feel so much better when they're 'boozed up'....

....AND they can sing so much better!

.....and we are told to remember "Tis the season to be Merry....or Jolly ....or something"....

It's nobody's fault....

It's far too easy to blame all this booziness on Celebrities......

...whose lifestyles show us mere mortals.....

....how we COULD be living.....

I think it's MUCH deeper entrenched than that....

...People start drinking so much younger these days.....

....and now....

.....binge drinking among the young.....
....has become quite fashionable.....

Remember.....40% EXTRA!!

....but we are also warned by so called 'experts'......
....that it can eventually affect your perception of reality......

....and you can begin to see things that just aren't there!

...whatever!.....apparently....

....even ARMPITS can start to look like something else entirely!

Hmmmm!....maybe they've got something here.......
.....I see batty!

And as this distorted reality becomes part of your lifestyle......

....you begin to look for things that no-one else would ever dream of.....

....For example....

....you're driving along one day.......

...and your navigator says "We need to look out for a fork in the road!"...

.....and YOUR pickled brain....

...does this.....

So this must be the place right?

Or you go to a record store (as I did recently)....

....and you can chose an album purely on the strength.......

.....of the 'hot chick' on the cover....

...only to get it home and discover.....

....the awful truth.....

(That it's your EX WIFE!)
Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!

How can there be too much social drinking this time of year?......
We're all just being 40% Extra scoiable!

.....and putting all that booze into our food can't help....

I know one chap who's addicted to sherry trifle....
....but he's managed to cut down to three a day....
...more than that and he turns into a right custard chucker....

Maybe it's just a growing fixation....

....that booze simply MUST be part of our everyday life....
....in WHATEVER form it takes....

Drink some.....rub some.....Mmmmmm

....that means that we have become immune......
.....to the Demons and Dark Forces.....

.......that lurk within it!?

(AS my mate Roland Rat demonstrates above...
..whilst plucking on his G string)

Over this Xmas period.....

...I surveyed my own growing mountain of booze......

....a Mountain that has now grown so large.....

....that there is simply no chance of ever drinking it all!

(Thank goodness)

....and that's without taking into account my 'Overflow' supply...

..which I cool rather cleverly......

.....in my outdoor fridge.....

(Look on and weep.....thirsty tourist person)

So am I someone who advocates that a period of respite......
.....should follow after the Compulsory Boozy New Years Eve celebrations.....
.......have finally died away in a drunken haze?

Absolutely NOT!

I am a firm believer in that tried and trusted remedy!....

....the old 'Hair of the dog'...

....and although it can make you feel a bit 'ruff'....

....it has stood both myself and Lady J in very good stead over the years.......

....Although (to be serious for a moment)....
.....we were BOTH recently so concerned about our deteriorating vision.....

....that we decided to go and have our eyes tested.....

....It was a quick and painless process....
....which I would recommend to anyone....
....and we were surprised to find.....
....that we were suffering from a very rare (at this time of year)....
....occular complaint....

....simply referred to ......
.....as being 'completely sober'.....

Our Optician immediately prescribed us both.....
.....exactly what we needed.....

....some Beer Glasses!

Maybe we should have gone to Specsavers?

Tallyho!

I'm not as thunk as you drink I am!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline and her

Clothing Imporium to many Well Known Drunks

Lord Noel Enjoys Wrapping Up Xmas

Whatto! Givers......

If...like me....

....you like to stamp some of your own personality.....

....on all of the gifts that you give.....

..something that says.....

...."I was here".....

....then consider also the wrapping paper that you use.

Is it of sufficient quality....

....to convey to the receiver....

....exactly how much you think of them?

Because with a little more care and attention......

.....you can send a really lovely Chrissmassy message....

.....to someone you care about......

 

.....which will register with them subliminally...

....as they open their package.....

....and reveal to them....

....your true feelings about this holiday period...

Tallyho!

Have a lovely Xmas everyone!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Festiveness