Lord Noel Likes Olympics

What ho! Pepys...

What a spectacular start to the Games!
It was far far better than I had hoped for.

I loved the humour involved and even all the expected Patriotism that was created during the opening ceremony. It's just a shame it wasn't paid for by somebody other than the poor old British taxpayers.
Shame that we'll all be paying for it for the next thousand years.
Anyway. Now the atheletes can take centre stage and show us what they've got...
...atheletes like this cycling team.
Lady Jacqueline showed me this picture and asked me what country they came from.
I took one look at the picture and knew immediately...

...and I replied "Darling that's easy! One can very clearly see their Poles!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Mosquitoes

What ho! Pepys...

Lady Jacqueline came home looking shell shocked last night.
She'd been for a drive with our little niece who's only six years old.
Lady J told me they'd been driving behind a slow moving garbage truck which she was trying to overtake, when suddenly rubbish began to fall from the back of the truck.
Several newspapers and an empty bottle fell from the rear of the truck but a large plastic dildo was the object that chose to bounce firmly off the car windscreen and shock both my good Lady wife and niece in the process.
"What was that Aunty?" cried our naturally worried Niece.
Not wishing to dwell on the embarrassing object any longer than necessary Lady J quickly created a lie saying "Oh that was just a mosquito - there's lots of them around here and they often die by being splattered on windscreens"
Pleased with her swift creative reasoning she drove on smiling, if still a little shaken, happy with her quick witted response.
Then our Niece said thoughtfully from the rear seat of the car "I'm surprised those Mosquitoes can fly at all with a cock that big!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
  

Lord Noel Seeks Help

What ho! Pepys...

As the fan continues to get covered in fecal waste for the general populace it is important for us to urgently put in place a support mechanism which will subdue the people and prevent anyone from trying to take power or changing the status quo until the One World Order is fully operational.
To this end we must search for an idea which will be supported by wealthy financial backers and achieve the following objectives...
1. Make the people blindly accept the authority of our leadership without question
2. Debilitate them by filling them with guilt from an early age, making them easier to manipulate.
3. Teach people to be patient to the point where they accept that they will receive nothing in life.
4. Get them to believe in a fantasy world which will exist for them only after they die.
5. Tell them that all the information they need has been dictated into a book by an all powerful entity who lives in the sky
6. Convince them that we are the only ones who can correctly decipher the contents of the book and speak directly to the all powerful being
7. Make people believe that poverty, meekness, suffering and submissiveness are all virtues to live by whilst we live in luxury
8. Stop people questioning things by creating the crime of Heresy - for anything we don't want them to believe in
9. Threaten them with eternal punishment in a special place set aside for torture if they disobey us
 
Any ideas?
 
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says What The Deuce?

What ho! Pepys...

Love-15-30-40. If you've played tennis or watched even a handful of matches, you know that to be the game's basic scorings system. And you probably think it makes no sense whatsoever. If you're counting by fifteens -- which is rare in the first place -- you'd hit 45, not 40. And "love" isn't a number at all. But there they are. There's a good amount of debate as to why, but the most likely explanation has to do with a weird confluence of eggs, English, clocks, and an inability to divide an odd number by two without a resulting remainder.


Let's start with the eggs, or, more accurately, the egg.

Eggs are, of course, oval shaped, much like the number zero. And in a few sports, they're used as such -- "goose egg" is common in American sports, and "duck," short for "duck's egg," is common in cricket. Tennis may be an addition to the list. The sport most likely dates back to 12th century France, and, as such, many of the rules and much of the terminology has carried forward since. The French term for "the egg" is "l'ouef," which, if you're not a French speaker, sounds a lot like the word "love." It is likely that a series of English speakers simply replaced the French word with its English homophone.

As for the actual numbers? Certainty as to their origin has been lost to antiquity, but the most likely explanation involves a pretty simple way to keep score: clock faces. The first point would earn you one quarter of a revolution, or 15 (minutes or seconds), the second point moves you to 30, and the third to 45. When the game ended, both clocks would be reset to the top. Easy -- except that tennis games have to be won by two or more points. If both players were on a 45, then what? Even moving the hand half-way wouldn't work, as 60 minus 45 is 15, which is not divisible by two.

The elegant solution? Move 45 to 40. When the players tied at 40-40 ("deuce"), the next point would be worth 10, moving the clock to 50. If the same player earned the subsequent point, he or she would get another ten points and win the game. If not, his or her clock would be reset to 40, and the players would be deadlocked at deuce again.
 
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Ye Bacwayds March of Prowgress

What ho! Pepys...

These new Urinals are totally useless!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Advertising

What ho! Pepys...

I entirely agree with our own loveable Banksy on this issue...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Is Puzzled

What ho! Pepys...

Those of you who know of my good wife Lady Jacqueline will also be aware of her addiction to puzzles of any kind (some unkind persons say that's why she became married to moi in the first place).
In times gone by it was the reliable old Crossword book which took pride of place within her delicate mitt, with her trusty biro always at the ready to fill in the small regular shaped boxes surrounded by the black squares of nothingness. Well readers I am pleased to say that she has finally abandoned the Crossword! Yes! I can honestly say that for the past month there hasn't been a crossword between us.
She has found instead that the internet provides a regular and relentless queue of like-minded oddballs willing and able to submit to the online pleasures of an altogether more cerebral game.....
The game I speak of is....Scrabble! I believe she may have now taken this up Professionally as she often plays this game for hours on end each day.
Yesterday I decided to try to distract her from her growing compulsion by playing on her baser womanly desires as I whispered passionately in her ear "Lady Jacqueline, what is your favourite position for Sex!?"...
...to which she replied "With the X on the Triple word score!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Travelling Medic

What ho! Pepys...

Lady Jacqueline and I have recently made a momentous step forward in our travel arrangements.
Gone are the expensive package deals to far away continents (for the time being anyway) as we have decided to explore the beauty of jolly old Englandia and that of nearby Europia - a mere stones throw (if you are throwing the said stones from a nuclear powered rocket launcher) and ferry ride away from our humble place of abode.
To help us in our quest allow me introduce our chaperon 'LANCE'...
Take a bow LANCE....

 These pics were taken just after we arrived home with Lance so the inside was 'as we found it'

It has lots of Mod Cons!  Why even the doors close!

This is what I like to call our fitted living bed dining kitchen room 

Aha! I've found somewhere quiet to sit (after we've finished driving - although having experienced some of Lady Jacqueline's driving maybe I'll sit here ALL the time)

 I can just imagine Lady J and myself cooking our Lobster thermidor right here - or perhaps even the fingers of fish....how exotic!

Our front door! Where we can greet visitors and exit to explore the outside world after a nourishing sleep on the cleverly designed sleeping platform!

These are the kind of steps one needs to take in order to explore Europia.

Here one can see another clue of Lance's previous life....
Lady J says this will come in very handy when my new trolley stretcher arrives (though why anyone would want to stretch a trolley is beyond me)

 As one can see the previous owners were fastidious in their arrangements for filing everything away in it's proper place...they even created these handy removable drawers

 The indoor loo cupboard even has facilities for installing state of the art TV equipment! (For those 'extra long visits' or for watching the Olympics whilst jettison ones fingers of fish)
Below one can observe a pleased and very proud new owner - surveying her newly cleansed travelhome!

And although I'm not a real Doctor - I've no doubt that whilst I'm living within such a reassuring structure...
 I'm bound to catch the odd punter who wants some of my magical potions or free medical advice

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Writes Stuff

What ho! Pepys...

As a published and accomplished writer, working alone for many hours over my gusset heating flap top computer system balanced directly over my steaming groin I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes feel the need for what I chose to term 'inner personal excitement'. Those are exactly the circumstances in which I call upon the services of my well tried and trusted, generously oiled.......... semi-colon.
I should also warn you that if I am feeling of an affectionate persuasion I can be extremely liberal with my ampersand.
So now you know...

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Problem With Delivery

What ho! Pepys...

I found myself wanting to send orf a very important document in the Great British Royal Mail postage misplacing system to my very overworked, unappreciated and underpaid local Member of Parliament...
...but I wasn't terribly sure how I should go about addressing the envelope...
I gave this problem a lot of sincere and considered thought...
..and in the end I decided on...
"Good Day Envelope!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Sees Sense

What ho! Pepys...

I know what you're thinking....
...probably exactly what I thought when I first saw this picture of a blind man going on holiday....
...some cynical individual has taken advantage of his sight deficiency and sold him a horse!
But it turns out the Gentleman has made a very smart purchase...
...this enterprise believes that with their longer lifespan, horses are a much better long term purchase than a dog....
...and if you like horses....so much the better!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
 

Lord Noel Gets Arrested!

Whatto! Peeps...

When I was arrested recently 

for "using unpleasant malapropisms in a built-up area". 

I knew it was time...

...to face the mucus.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Ye Penne Being Mytyer Than The Door Furniture

Whatto! Peeps...

Come on! I'll take you all on!...I'll tie one leg behind my back....Ya Pussies!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel