Lord Noel's advice to Claustrophobics

Whatto! Peeps..

I have a love of open spaces and can also endure small spaces too.
This may be as a direct result of my expert training whilst attached to the Special Forces Regiment during my time at the Foreign office...
...or it could be because I used to like to shut myself in the small cupboard under the sink...
...pretending that I'd run orf - thereby worrying the life out of my dear Mamma.
Either way I decided to share this special tip regarding overcoming the fear of closed spaces for those people who are otherwise known as Claustrophobics:
You can reduce your likelihood of panic in small spaces like lifts by always carrying with you a pair of binoculars and looking at the world through the wrong end.

You're welcome!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks "Did You Know?"

Whatto! Peeps...

Did You Know?

That the most frustrating drink in the world is exasparilla.

You're welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on "Reasons to Google It"

Whatto! Peeps....

It seems such a short time since we had to trawl through a set of family Encyclopedias to find out something we wanted to know more about....
...now we just 'Google it'...
...and Google is so helpful that it even gives 'suggestions'...
...to save you having to type in the whole phrase...
...as these users found out...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Thought For The Day

Whatto! Peeps...

Todays 'Thought for the day' is an old proverb that a Mongolian man named Neville taught me whilst I sat with him on the foothills outside his rickety old wooden temple....

He said "Lord Noel...

Fool me once, shame on you. 

Fool me twice, shame on me. 

Fool me three times...

...and I'll smash your face in!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel.

Lord Noel on 007

Whatto! Peeps...

I'd like to wish my very good friend Sean Connery a very happy birthday!
He's 81 years old and still someone who your mum and your sister would 'do'.
As a close friend of Seans (or Sir Thomas as he likes to be called) I am often asked "Lord Noel - does Sean Connery like herbs?" and I answer "Yes he does... but only partially".
I can however reveal that Sean Connery doesn't own his dog... he has it on a leash.
But he's a very thoughtful and kind pet owner...the first thing Sean taught his dog to do was to shit.
Hanging around with Sean, I get to see the 'real' him....for instance I've just seen one of Sean's rubbish attempts at knitting!...To be honest when he told me what it was meant to be... it was a bit of a shock. And whenever I've stayed over at his place I've found that his hair is always in a mesh first thing in the morning.
In the end I had to ask him to leave when he told me he wanted to "Shit on my Chauffeur"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Learning

Whatto! Peeps...

Well done to everyone who recently passed their GCSE's...When I was at school all I got was a B in Insectology, a C in Marine Biology an F in Swearing, an E in Fleming and a U in McGregor. People have asked me "Lord Noel - How many GCSEs does it take to change a lightbulb?" And I reply, in a rather way....."How many WATT?!" Har Har Har!. No but seriously, the whole point of GCSE's is to get you the job that you'll love for the rest of your life and one job interview tip I can definitely recommend is: whenever you're asked what 'special skills' you've got, show them that trick where it looks like you’re pulling your own thumb in two.
All in all I think that qualifications are very overrated so don't worry too much if you didn't the results you were after. I have a friend who didn't get any A-levels at all and he's got a fantastic job masturbating drunk men in car parks for small change.


You're welcome!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Jokers

Whatto! Peeps....

This is stand-up comic Nick Helm....
...and he's got something to laugh about after one of his gags was named the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.
Helm beat better-known acts including Tim Vine and Sarah Millican to the award created by TV channel Dave.
A panel of 10 comedy critics spent two weeks scouring venues in the city in a bid to find the best gags. Their top 30 were then put to a vote of 3,000 comedy fans. Helm's show, Dare to Dream, marks a triumphant return to this year's festival for the stand-up who made his Edinburgh debut only last year.
He said: "I knew my joke was the funniest joke of all the other jokes in 2011. Thank you to Dave and all the people that voted for proving me right."
He won for the joke:  
"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

But there was bad news for veteran entertainer Paul Daniels, who won the wooden spoon for the worst joke of the festival.
He won the dubious honour for his gag:
"I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Despots

Whatto! Peeps...

Cultivate a mean, brooding look to add depth to your personality

I often get rulers writing to me asking "How can I carry on being a Dictator without American and NATO forces shelling me out of existence?" and my reply is this ...

One general rule of thumb is that if you live in a compound one day someone is going to come and kill you. But you really don't have to call it a compound and a simple yet inexpensive makeover with different coloured potted plants would soften the otherwise hostile exterior and make it appear far less threatening. You could call it a 'fortified resort', or a 'bombproof holiday chalet'. NATO would then ask, "Is this Dictator a threat?" and an analyst would reply. "No sir, they live in a reinforced concrete spa retreat."
Other tips for failing dictators include getting a guest spot on '8 Out Of 10 Cats' or 'Come dine with me' which would do wonders for your post-dictatorship image. Just remember that when people criticise you during interviews, laugh uproariously to show you can take a joke – on no account should you slit their throats.
It's these little things that can really rehabilitate a public persona. After all, since Piers Morgan stopped raping kittens, the public have embraced him.
I also know, from my sources at MI5, that (if it comes to it) one of the many dictator escape plans is to put on a Burkha, paint your toe nails, and escape in a cab. It works all the time here at the airport security in the UK.
Of course, I'm no detective, but if the Authorities wanted to find out where a dictator like Gaddafi is likely to go to next, simply identify the country with the largest supply of botox.
Enjoy your retirement!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Horoscopic Tips

Whatto! Peeps...

Due to the powers divested in me by the 'Spirit of Champagne Passed'...

I find that I have been given the ability to predict the future for some lucky individuals...

Today it's the turn of Cancer!

Cancer. Tomorrow you return home to find your wife burnt to death after suffering from spontaneous human combustion. But you'll smile through the tears when you remember how much you love her crackling.

You're welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Cutting Edge Kids Toys

Whatto! Peeps...

I'm always fascinated by clever companies who can respond quickly to our ever changing times and rework their products to appeal to todays market.
Now the world famous 'Barbie House' above had a contemporary 'make over' to reflect a period when Ken has left her due to her ever-increasing use of illegal stimulants...
...and her lifestyle has sunk to the point where her home has become a Crack House set in an authentic 'Ghetto' neighbourhood...
The manufacturers assure us that 'Crack Barbie' will be available for Xmas sporting realistic purple 'track marks' in both arms!
Not to be outdone....the world famous LEGO manufacturers have also stayed ahead of the pack too...
...with this brand new, hot off the production lines, revamped product specially for the UK market...

(Petrol and Matches not included)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline Do Their Bit For Cultural Relations

Whatto! Peeps...

Whilst Lady Jacqueline and I were in town yesterday a young man approached us.... 
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asked. 
To which we just stared at him. 
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tried. 
We continued to stare. 
“Parlare Italiano?” 
No response. 
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” 
Still nothing. 
The chap walked orf, clearly disgusted with us both. 
Lady Jacqueline then said to me, “Y’know Lord Noel, maybe we should take the time to learn a foreign language.” 
“Why?” I replied... 
...“That chap knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.” 


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Hotel TV

Whatto! Peeps...

I recently spent a few days in London and was checking in after a few hours drive.
As the Receptionist was confirming my booking on their computer, I was trying to think of everything that I needed because I like my stay to be arranged just so.
I then suddenly remembered something which is of particular importance to me and I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled!"
She turned away from the computer screen to face me with a face of sheer thunder and replied, "No Sir, it's just regular porn, you sick bastard!"  


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Meets The Bag Lady

Whatto! Peeps....

I was in town when I saw a little old lady walking down the street dragging two bags.

One of the bags ripped on the ground, and a £20 note fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this I stopped to say, "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really?" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Can I ask you," I ventured "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium car park. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and say, "£20 or off it comes!"

"Well, that seems only fair" I laughed. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know" she said, "not everybody pays."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Autobiography

Whatto! Peeps....

So many people have asked me to write my autobiography that I have decided to 'give it a go'....
....those of you who know and revere my writing skills will doubtless be excited at the very thought of what may transpire in the fullness of time....
...so for those of you who just can't bare to wait....
....here's a little snippet from the start of Chapter One:

"It all began in a moment....
...I suddenly woke up...
...covered in fresh sperm that had been trapped inside my Father's balls...
Nine months later..
.. I was born."

(Available at all good bookstores everywhere).


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's advice to Men on BBQs

Whatto! Peeps....

We are finally in the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh ones memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it is probably the only type of cooking that a real man will do, essentially because there is an element of danger involved. 
When a man volunteers to do the Barbeque, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events should be put into motion: 

Barbeque Routine 
1) The woman buys the food. 
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. 
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. 
Here comes the important part: 
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. 
More routine.... 
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. 
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. 
Important again: 
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. 
More routine..... 
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table. 
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 
And most important of all: 
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. 
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.... 

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Dog Therapy

Whatto! Peeps.....

Try This!.....It really works!

This dog, is dog, a dog, way dog, 

to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, 

busy dog, for dog, twenty dog, seconds dog. 

(Now reread this without the dog.)

You're Welcome!

Tallyho! 

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Tarot Reading - Death

Whatto! Peeps...

Today's card is DEATH!

It is warning you to be on your guard!

You know those new neighbours that have just moved in?

Well they're not as cheerful and friendly as you first thought!

... just don't get too pally with them that's all....

.....

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Removing Barriers

Whatto! Peeps...

The Team took 'Casual Friday' a bit too far...

As much as we all enjoy the idea of having life's barriers removed....

...when that actually happens - it can be quite disarming!

Here's what happens when some creative individual...

...redecorates the ceiling of a smoke room in a private club...

...or an Artist designs a new floor in a bathroom...

And here is an ultra modern public toilet...

...which has been designed to reduce the feeling of containment by walls inside....

...with the clever use of one way mirrors...

I suppose the question is - 'Could you go?'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel as Jesus

Whatto! Peeps....

I was at a lovely fancy dress party this weekend!

I went as Jesus and my wife went as the Devil....and during the course of the evening we came to a very agreeable compromise.....

...if only real life was like that.

There was so much free booze that it was a miracle I was still relatively sober at midnight...
...when the party seemed to get a little out of hand.

A very drunk Batman came over and hit me over the head with a plate....

....shouting "T'Pau!". 

My Lady wife laughed weakly when she saw I wasn't injured and then said "Batman, didn't you mean 'Kapow?!' " 

"No" he said "I've got china in my hand!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Sportmanship

Whatto! Peeps...

I see that my idea of lighting the Olympic torch early has really been taken on board!

By the way - I can totally understand the rioters mindset...
...whenever something stressful happens to me...
...the first thing I want to do is go out, smash in a shop window and steal some electrical equipment.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Time Travel

Whatto! peeps...

I have to report that I have visited the future!

...and I'm pleased to say that on the year 20011 there will still be supermarkets full of red wine!...

...and the price will be very reasonable!

(Although it will be long after it's end date)

You're welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on His Love of Big Bangs

Whatto! Peeps...

This may look like a beautiful Liberty print but its actually a sub-atomic explosion at -271 degrees Celcius

Not content with performing amazing scientific feats with the Hedron collider...
...Scientists have produced images of the sub atomic explosions they are creating...
...which are considered to be similar to those created by the Big Bang...
...from which our entire Universe was born!
Amazing!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on E-Bay Scams

Whatto!...Peeps... 

 
I'm passing on this message I just got from a friend so be warned!

"Dear Lord Noel,

I just bought a penis enlarger from E-Bay for £20.
The Bastards sent me a magnifying glass!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - lord Noel 

Lord Noel's Tarot Reading - High Priestess

Whatto! Peeps...

Today's card is the High Priestess!

You know that new girl at the office?...
...the friendly, attractive brunette with the weird hat sense?

Well, although she's sending out all the right subliminal sex messages.....

....you need to know that she has a cheese fetish!

Her flat is full of big stinky cheesy crescents...

...and she's got lousy taste in wallpaper!

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Childrens Notes to God

Whatto! Peeps...
If, like me, you think of yourself as some sort of God...
...you may enjoy these notes written by children...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel