Lord Noel On Epitaphs

Whatto! Ponderers................

I happened to be down to Local the other night...............

Quaffing and imbibing the local brew in a very enjoyable way..............

.............with two very dear friends...............

...............and somehow............whilst we were talking together.............

the conversation got around to Epitaphs..............

One of them said "If you died......

......and were laid out for everyone to pay their last respects to............

.....and all your friends and relatives filed slowly by you..............

.......what would you like to hear them say about you?

He added "I'd like to hear them say...........

...........'he was the best teacher I knew..........
.......... and a wonderful father'!"

My other friend said "I'd like to here them say................

.............. 'he was an extremely talented sportsman..............
........... and an amazing husband'!"

Now it was my turn...................

I thought for a second.............

.....took a sip of my beer..............

.......and said "I'd like to hear them say............

....... 'He just moved!' "

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Thinks It's Inhumane!

What ho! Law Abiders.............

FORT LUPTON in Colorado is apparently the new home of "Cruel and Unusual Punishment".........

For that is where Judge Paul Sacco works................

and he is punishing 'noise polluters'...................

by forcing them.................

to listen to................

wait for it..............

..............BARRY MANILOW!!!

Judge Sacco claims his method of making offenders sit in a room and listen to music they don't like for one hour has seen a massive drop in the number of repeat offenders in the small town....................

Judge Sacco says "These people should have to listen to music THEY don't like!"

The MONSTER!.............

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

A Brand New Bible

Whatto! Believers................

A specialist group have come up with a 'New' version of the Bible to reflect more relevantly the concerns of modern day life and make it more 'accessible' to the average person..............
I've read some of it and it may just work!...............
Here's an excerpt...........

"In the beginning God covered the earth with with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, and gave Man and Woman dominion over the cattle and beasts of the Earth so that they might make use of the natural dairy products that they contained..............

And God said "Now Man and Woman will live long and healthy lives!"...............
But Satan used God's bountiful gifts, and created from them a diabolical concoction which he named 'Ice Cream'!.........

And Satan said: "Do you want hot fudge with that?"

And Man said: "Oh Yes Please!"

And Woman said: "I'll have one too ...........but can I have mine with sprinkles?".................
And verily between them they did gain many pounds...........

Time passed..............
And God said unto them: "Go and try my fresh green garden salad."
But Satan took the salad and crumbled onto it some things he named 'Blue Cheese dressing' and 'garlic croutons'..............
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts and gave many thanks for this bountiful repast!
Then God brought forth the lowly potato (naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition)...........
But Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into strips and deep-fried them in animal fats - adding copious amounts of salt...............

and Satan made them seem very sophisticated by calling them 'French Fries'!

And Man & Woman saw them and they consumed them in their handfuls ...... and they did grow in stature still more with extra pounds!

More time passed.................
And God brought forth things called 'running shoes' so that his Children might move to shed some of those extra pounds................
So Satan came forth with a thing he named 'cable TV with remote control' so that Man (not Woman) would not have to toil in changing the channels..............

And so it was that night after night Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light surrounded by Satan's latest gift..............which he called 'Snacks'.........
and verily they wore stretch jogging suits so that they might comfortably accommodate their growing frames..........

Still more time passed.................
And God then gave to them 'lean beef' so that they might consume fewer calories and still satisfy their growing appetites................

And Satan created from it something he named "the 99 pence double cheeseburger".......

(Which you have to admit.......is really Good Value!!)

And Satan said: "Do you want fries with that?"

And Man replied: "Yes! And can I be super sized too please!"

And Satan said: "Yes of course! .....And Satan looked and he saw that it was good!"

And Man said: "Yes! It is indeed very good!"

And Woman said: "Is there any 'afters'?"

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.................
And God sighed..............and reluctantly created quadruple by-pass surgery.......

And Satan chuckled..........................
................and created the "National Health Service!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Man of the House

Whatto! Readers.....................
I had just finished reading an inspirational book entitled "Man of the House"..........
And I must say..............
I felt like a new man!.....
Fully fired up as the Alpha Male....................to get things DONE!!
I stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to my wife...............
pointed a finger in her face (which I would never normally do!) and said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law!"...............
She was shocked into complete obedient SILENCE!.................
It was Bally well WORKING!!!!.........So I continued...............
"I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert!...............
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax!.................
And when I'm finished with my bath..............
guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?!"
My wife (who seemed to suddenly come to her senses)................
smiled wryly and said "My guess would be...................
...............the funeral director?!"
Tallyho!
Bes Wishes - Lord Noel

Children

Whatto! Parents..............
A few years ago I met a lovely young couple who told me that they were desperate for children......
They said they'd tried all sorts of new medical methods to try to conceive............
without success.............
I mentioned that I was going for a holiday to the Vatican in Rome....................

"and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." I offered.................
They said they would be thankful for ANY assistance they could get..............
I had a wonderful time in Rome and DID light a candle as promised...............

Just recently I bumped into the lady again..............

and was overjoyed to find that she was pregnant......
with TWINS!!!!
I told her how pleased I was for them both.................
and THEN she told me that they'd already had two children (another set of twins) .........
so they would soon have FOUR children!................
I was amazed and asked her "How is your husband these days?.................
I'd certainly like to congratulate him!"
She wearily replied "He's gone to Rome...........
...................to blow out that candle!"
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Pasta Joke

Whatto! Worldly ones..............
Today I read a sorry tale which took place in the Australian state of New South Wales.............
near to a place called "Nobby's Beach!"........................

Police noticed a parked car in a no-stopping zone..................
On seeing the police, Keith Weatherley, 46, drove away, despite the flashing Police lights......
The chase lasted five to 10 minutes.................
with a top speed of just 10 miles per hour!........
Weatherley was stopped at Centenary Drive in Newcastle where he sat in the car...........
fiddling with something on his lap...................
Police now believed that he may have a weapon!............
So Four armed officers used batons and capsicum spray to forcibly remove him from his car.......

And they found him to be naked from the waist down..............
with his Penis stuck inside a 750-ml pasta jar!.....................
Police noted that "Weatherley attempted to continue pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling with Police".......................
A search of his car uncovered........

pornography.....................

a home-made sex aid (not described).................

women's stockings and........

............wait for it!......

............. a Jack Russell terrier!

Weatherley pleaded guilty to offensive behavior, resisting police and disobeying a police direction stating that he resisted police because he was trying to make himself "decent"

Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Virusiis

Whatto! web users..............
Since I've been using the old computer .................
and living from time to time in this weirdly virtual world..............
I have come across a selection of Viruses which I would you to be aware of..........
These are the ones that you should avoid if possible:
Ronald Reagan Virus: - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson Virus: After two bytes......it spits everything out!
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300 MB hard drive can suddenly shrink to 100MB, then slowly expands back to 500 MB.
Titanic Virus: Your computer slowly goes down while "My Love Will Go On" plays.
Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor just doesn't give a damn.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates zom viles and leafs........ but vill be baaark!
Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Morning Walk

Whatto! Wanderers............
I went for a wander the other day...............
Dressed casually in a track suit for once...............
I believe that - even if you're not - they make you look fitter.................
I was walking through the fallen leafy lanes by our local park......................
when I found a brand new tennis ball...........

just lying on the ground.....................
It reminded me of summer.................
You remember that day don't you?..........
I wondered who it might belong to.......................
but seeing no-one around just slipped it into my pocket..............
And carried on with my walk...........
.............Thinking about when it was nice enough to play tennis outside........
Later, I decided to walk into town to buy a Daily newspaper..............
I stopped at the side of the road waiting to cross..............
when a blonde girl standing next to me................
seemed to notice the large bulge in my track suit bottoms..........
"What's that?" she asked with her eyes widening............
I smiled and just replied "Tennis ball!"............
"Oh," said the blonde girl "I had tennis elbow once.........
.........that must be painful!"
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Alcohol Helps You Relax!

Whatto! Wine & Whisky lovers..............

Yes! It's official!................

What many of us have known for years...............

Has finally been proved by hard working Scientists.............

Alcohol................

in 'Moderation'.................

(Don't you just love that word?.............completely meaningless!)

Can assist to reduce stress and help with relaxation.................

Well My Word!.......there's a surprise!............

I could have told them that months ago.............

BUT.............

I was never asked!......................

Maybe I was down the pub?..............

.......or on the beach?.............

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Happy Wedding Anniversary!

Whatto! Wedded ones...............

This morning my wife had a well deserved lie-in as I examined our wedding certificate........

I checked and rechecked the thing...............

but NOWHERE on it...............

could I find an EXPIRY date!!

We decided to go out for a wonderful lunch together..............

to celebrate our many years together!.............

During the meal............a small tear entered my eye.........................

my good wife noticed it............... and asked me "Are you getting sentimental Darling?".......

I smiled, wiped the tear away and said......................

"No Darling, I was thinking about the time before we got married................

Your father (Judge Blackmore) threatened me with life in jail I didn't marry you!".............

"Oh Yes!" she laughed............. "I'd forgotten all about that!"..................

"Well..........." I continued..............

"Tomorrow I'd've been a free man!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

and A Very Happy Wedding Anniversary to my Darling Wife Lady Jacqueline!

With Love from Your Hubby!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Transplants

Whatto! Organ doners....................

Yesterday in the news a woman has become the first person in the world to be given an entirely laboratory-engineered organ!..............

Claudia Castillo's own stem cells were used to create an artificial airway which had collapsed after she suffered a serious tuberculosis infection!......

The 30-year-old Columbian-born mother-of-two has also received no immunosuppressive drugs!...........

So far doctors have seen no hint of Ms Castillo's immune system rejecting the transplant!....

Wow!..............

That remided me of a conversation between two chaps in a restaurant.......
They go to the urinals when Kevin noticed his friend Peter is very well endowed!....

Peter proudly admits "It's a transplant. I had it done at Harley Street. It cost 2,000 pounds, but as you can see, it's well worth every penny."

So Kevin arranged a visit the same doctor on Harley Street.........

Six months later, the two chaps meet up again at the same restaurant............

Kevin explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for 1000 pounds."

So they go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," Peter says............

............"That's my old one!"

Tallyho!

best wishes - Lord Noel

Old Ralph

Whatto! Seamen.........
I was in the pub last night and I finally got chatting to a Gentleman who goes by the name of 'Old Ralph'...................
He's what you would call "An Old Man of the Sea"...............
..........with his sun bleached worn leather eyepatch and his wooden leg..................
................and his hooked hand...............
He's more like something from a Pirate Film!
I've been meaning to talk to him for such a long while now.............
I knew he'd a few great tales to tell!
And after a few Navy Rums he's happy to talk all night long............
He is such a joy to listen to as he recounts his many adventures on the seas............
I was obviously curious so I asked old Ralph "So Ralph,tell me - how did you end up with the peg-leg?"..............
Ralph replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off"................
"Wow!" I said in astonishment............
"What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied Old Ralph, "We were pulling in the nets - heavy laden with fish - and it looked like it was about to split so I grabbed hold and I got caught in the pully and it cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" I remarked..............
"How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied Old Ralph.............
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" I asked.
"Well..." said Old Ralph,
.............."That was my first day with the hook!"
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

"Man of the Year!" Awards

Whatto! Men of the World...............

I was delighted to see that a decision has finally been reached on the 'Final Five' contenders for this years "Man of the Year!" Awards.............

There's been some really tough competition this year so whoever wins has done really well to get this far!.................

Don't forget................ the Judges will be awarding marks in the following areas........

• Maculinity - a quality very underated by many of todays society


• Firmness - Knowing when to apply it is the key here!


• Compassion - although they mustn't 'overdo' displaying of emotions


• Humility - Alas! One of the main reasons that I no longer compete!

I reproduce for you now some of the blurb in this years 'Finalist Magazine' - which has reached me 'hot off a press' from somewhere in Eastern Europe where the contest now has to be held - thanks to protests from so called 'Liberation' groups .............

Contender Number One:

"From Americas! See how he take this female outsides on nice day for gentle exercises while he must continue to checking that she is pleasuring herself by lookings at her face all of the times!"


(In my opinion he's a strong contender - with a very laid back approach that the judges will like)

Contender Number Two!

"From France! Here the mans make a special cozy love house for his beautifuls bike which is keep nice and drys from the weathers! See how he hug it! Very compassionate No?!"

(Again the French judges will love this - cycling is highly valued among the French!)

Contender Number Three!

"From Estonia! Here you see how the mans can make check the road clear and safe as he enjoy a cigarette for himself..... That way he will never healthy enough for to carry firewood - ever!"

(Beautiful use of the cigarette by this finalist will certainly gain him vital extra points)

Contender Number Four!

"From Kazakstan! My God! Looking how beautiful is this mans 'wife cage'?! Women must thinking 'How I wish he would be takings me for his another wife!' Yes Indeedee?!"

(This wonderful display of handiwork which will definately inpress the judges!)

Contender Number Five!

"From Copenhagen! See the man here busy with tastings of the beer so his wife does not make carry of bad bottles to his home. Don't worry I bet he will also be giving her one when they arrive!"

(Inspired use of the umbrella adds to this contenders over all nonchalance - brilliant!)

I must say it's going to be a tough decision this year!
Good Luck EVERYONE!!

Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lunch with the Law

Whatto! Legal Beagles..............

Many of my good friends are Barristers and I was with one in particular the other day for lunch....

.....at one of Londons TOP Restaurants!

He was paying and making a great fuss over how much he was spending........

Apparently he'd had a big win recently and was enjoying the proceeds...........

It when we left the restaurant that it happened............

The Barrister opened the door of his brand new BMW.............

when suddenly a car came too close from behind hitting the drivers door and ripping it off completely!..............

The police were at the scene almost instantly and all I could hear was my Barrister friend complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW................

"Officer! Look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.

The Officer reacted surprisingly sharply saying "You lawyers are so materialistic! You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left hand was ripped off!"

It was TRUE!!!!................. In the shock of the moment we hadn't even noticed!!!!

"Oh my God!" shouted my Barrister friend staring at the bloody left wrist where his hand once was................

............"Where's my Rolex!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Fitness Matters

Whatto! Fitness Fans..................

I was reminded that our 'Health Club' Membership is due to expire shortly.............
(similar to how I often feel when I'm there!)...........

And that made me think of my Dear Grandparents who thought the whole 'Health Club' idea was "Complete Poppycock"!..............
My Grandfather used to swear by 'Long Walks' as his ideal exercise.............
He used to say "I love long walks!...especially when taken by people who annoy me!"..........
My Grandfather started off at 60.......... walking five miles a day!......
He's now 97 years old! .....

.....and we have absolutely NO idea where he is!...... Har!
My Dear wife believes that the only reason I took up exercising was so I could hear heavy breathing again...........

Wallop!..........

....But my main problem with exercising is that it still tends to.........

......... make the ice fall out of my drink!

Do you know?..... since I joined our health club last year I haven't lost ANY weight at all!!

Apparently......

...... I'm told you have to actually GO there...........
The only way I can exercise is to do it really early in the morning before my brain works out what I'm doing - but I'm NEVER up in time..............
I went to the Gym once and saw a woman there who had incredibly flabby thighs, but fortunately............

..........her stomach covered them............
I suppose the main advantage of exercising alot is that you are much healthier when you die.............
My Grandfather left me with some sound advice about exercise.........

.......he said "If you are going to try cross-country skiing......

....... start with a small country!"
(Personally - I've never found one quite small enough!)

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reveals Evening Classes for Men - Week One

Whatto! self improvers................

The following leaflet was pushed through my letterbox the other day.............

I must say it sounds rather facinating!............

Lady Jacqueline thinks I should definately attend!.............

But I doubt it would do ME any good...............

after all.............I keep asking her..........


How can one improve on PERFECTION?

Here's the Leaflet details anyway.................



Week One of Evening Classes for Men

1) HOUSEHOLD MYTHS Roundtable discussions including "Toilet rolls - don't new ones just grow on the holder?" "Self refilling Ice cube trays - do they exist?" "Is levitation the way cutlery and crockery gets into the dishwasher?"

2) DIFFERENCES Decision making role play - using real clothing we ask "Should worn clothing should go on the floor or in the laundry basket?" You'll be amazed at the answer!

3) WHAT TO WATCH? Why "a night in watching TV" doesn't have to include sport

4) THE HOT SEAT One-on-one suppory counsellors re-enact scenarios where men are invited to try to urinate whilst sitting - on a toilet where the seat is permanently glued up! (Please wear waterproof clothing)

5) LOSS OF VIRILITY support groups discuss "How to deal with losing the remote control to your significant other"

6) WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Open forum on "How to find things by starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming"


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Happy Birthday Chazzer!

Whatto! Fellow Royalists...............

I couldn't let today slip by.....................

without wishing our old pal 'Chazzer' .............

(as we like to call him!)

........every possible blessing today.................

.......as he strikes the BIG 60!!

He's been a tremendous friend and confident to myself and Lady Jacqueline over the years......

And I'm acutely aware that there are many people who seem to go out of their way to try to knock the old chap...........

......even though he's proved time and time again that he's got a GREAT sense of rhythm!

He really is someone who would never deliberately cause anyone any upset..............

and he's always ready to put ANYONE at their ease....................

even a chap he recently met who calls himself the 'King of the Sheeps!'

and I must admit he has always had a great sense of fun!

In fact....... he seems MOST 'at ease' when he's relaxing in a KILT!.............

But don't we all?!........... Har!

See what I mean?............It's contagious!! Har!

Anyway.............His 'Fairy Tale' Marriage to Diana had everyone spellbound............

until it all 'went a bit squiffy'! ...........

But doesn't that just go to show precisely that this dear chap is just a 'human being' like the rest of us mere mortals?

I remember his investiture like it was yesterday!...............

But it was actually 1969!

Some say he was also the original influence for some of the Punk fashion styles...........

...............hence why the Sex Pistols dedicated one of their songs to Her Majesty

And apart from being a rather snazzy dresser - he's quite a bright fellow too............

he got 2 'A' levels (B & C grade).......

................and a MA Honors 2:2 degree at Cambers...........

AND!......he's done a tremendous amount for the Armed Forces

(got his very own Regiment don't you know!)........................

A great admirer of Medals too!................

The troops especially loved it when he does his Frank Spencer (no relation) routine.........

"Oooooh Camilla! That cat's just done a whoopsie in my Sherman tank!"........Brilliant!

We also have him to credit as apparently well over 500,000 unemployed people have gained vital employment skills ..............thanks to him!............

That's GOT to be a good thing hasn't it?!

Far too many people are quick to ridicule his relationship with Camilla too.............

..............but she's always been there for him..............even during his marriage to Di!

And REMEMBER folks!.......Chazzer & Di were divorced in 1996! ................. that's 22 years ago everyone!

Time to 'MOVE ON' I think!...............

We still all hold Di in great respect.............as the mother of two wonderful chaps!

So lets look to the future now..............

And wish HRH...............

............an extremely Heartfelt and Happy Birthday!!

See you later at Highgrove Chazzer you old fruit!! Har! Har!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel