Lord Noel Defeats Boredomness

What ho! Pepys...

Jigsaws are shit!

I have to admit to having a very low boredom threshold.

So I recently decided to do things differently in an effort to make my life much more exciting!

Like - last night I slept on a bed of nails.

But Lady Jacqueline says I really should restrict the use of clippers to the bathroom.

She also said she thought I might need 'treatment'....

so just to be different...

...I've started going to an unorthodontist.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Excited

What ho! Pepys...

I have to admit that if ever thet found a genuine cure for premature ejaculation...

...I would be the first one to get excited about it.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Wisdom

What ho! Pepys...

Isn't it strange how saying "There's more than one way to skin a cat" makes you wise...

... but saying "There are exactly 312 ways to skin a cat" makes you a psycho?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Separation At Birth

What ho! Pepys...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Religious Openings

What ho! Pepys...

Despite my distinct dislike of Christianity (mainly because of the sores that come up over me when I enter any sacred place) I was nevertheless invited to the opening and consecration of a new Baptist church in our area.

The preacher said to the congregation who were congregated there, "Is there anyone here with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over? Please come forward to the front by the altar."
I was tempted to limp towards him but I hesitated and a local lad called Neville pushed roughly past me.

The Preacher asked him, "Neville, what do you want me to pray for?"

Neville replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help to test my hearing." 

The preacher smiled knowingly and raised his hand dramatically into the air above Neville. Then he lowered it and put a finger into Neville's ear. He then raised his other hand high up into the air and placed it on top of Neville's head. There was a respectful hush amongst the people gathered there as he closed his eyes and began praying earnestly. He prayed and prayed and prayed for Neville and soon the whole congregation also joined in, with growing enthusiasm.

 

After a few minutes of intense praying, the preacher suddenly removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Neville, how is your hearing now?"

Neville answered, "I don't know Preacher. The test's not 'til next week."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Interviewed

What ho! Pepys...

As someone who has always strived to 'give something back to society'
I like to offer my services free to the attractive locals.
That's why I'm banned from the Post Office.
I had a job interview today, but I'm sorry to say it was unsuccessful.
I blame the Interviewer entirely.  

It's always awful when one somehow mishears 

‘please describe your management style’ 

as ‘please grope my secretary’.
Tomorrow I'll be trying for a different position.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Being Fed Up

What ho!Pepys..

I'm not someone who tends to join 'Groups'.

I generally can't tolerate people who are still living.

But yesterday I went to a gathering of 'disinterested people'

and it was refreshingly different!

We started with a discussion Apathy...

...but got bored halfway through

then we drank tea lukewarm.

Then someone suggested we ended the meeting with an expression of mutual affection...

so we thought about it and decided on...
...a group shrug

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Ghia

What ho! Pepys..

As one who is constantly at one with nature

and who frequently goes tree hugging skyclad
(it's just that blue suits me)

I genuinely believe that it's important to respect your elders...

...but the other trees can piss off!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Be Careful What You Wish For

What ho! Pepys...

I was walking along our beach when I met a recently divorced woman. We got talking and she began telling me how badly screwed she got over her divorce settlement. I consoled her as best I could when she spotted an old lamp that had washed onshore.
"Wouldn't it be fun if that was a magic lamp?" she laughed. I smiled. She bent down and picked up the lamp and gave it a few rubs and to both our amazement - out pops a magical genie!
The genie immediately notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one pounds. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion pounds.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
In an instant it was granted and the woman finds herself in front of a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. But the genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time slowly contemplating her last wish. Just as the genie and I are about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem.", said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish I'd like to give birth to triplets."

Tally ho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel :)
xxx

Lord Noel - Incurable Romantic

What ho! Pepys...

I would like to remind everyone that Romance is not necessarily dead.

It just needs to be revived a bit with defibulators from time to time.

I always remember the day I made Lady Jacqueline's wish come true 

by taking her for a romantic night in a castle 

Though you wouldnt have thought it at the time...

from the look on her face.... 

...as I was bouncing around.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Relationships

What ho! Pepys...

There's definitely a real chemistry between Lady Jacqueline and myself. 

But it wasn't always like that between us....

When I first met her and I woke up covered in test tubes...

...I knew I really should've asked her to clarify what she meant...

...when she said she "liked to experiment in bed."
Nonetheless, at that stage in my development...

...I liked to experiment a bit too.

On one occasion I remember quite vividly...

accidentally creating the Philanderer's Stone. 

Which is why I'm now immoral.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Dilemma

Whatto! Peeps...

...OR the TASTE!

Today's Dilemma: 

Dear reader
I sincerely hope that you may be able
to help me out of my latest predicament.
You see...This morning I accidentally knocked 

my good Lady wife's toothbrush 

into the toilet bowl!

So the question I have to wrestle with now is...

....should I have toast or cereal for breakfast?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Muysical Lyes!!

What ho! Pepys...

When I found out yesterday that there's a guitarist with nine inch nails...

I found myself wondering - how does he play the bally thing?

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Physicallitinous

What ho! Pepys...

Many people ask me how I manage to look so physically perfect

after all these years of self-abuse...

And my reply to such questioners is always the same...

"My body is a temple...

...so wipe your feet and take off your hat and shoes outside....

...And NO! - I don't want to be entered by a priest."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Lucky Pig Quiz

Whatto! Pepys...

Enjoy!!

QUESTIONS:

1.If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat what?
2.If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of what?
3.The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood how far?
4.Banging your head against a wall uses up how many calories an hour?.
5.Humans and dolphins are the only species that do what for pleasure?
6. What's the strongest muscle in the body?
7. What's impossible to so with your eyes open?
8. What can't you do by holding your breath?
9.Americans on the average eat how many acres of pizza every day?
10. Right-handed people live, on average, how many longer than left-handed people do?
11.In ancient Egypt, what did Priests do to their bodies?
12. How long does a pig's orgasm last for?
13. What can't a crocodile do with it's mouth?
14. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, and can pull 30 times its own weight but when it's intoxicated what does it always do?
15. What are ALL Polar bears?
16. How many taste buds does the catfish have? 17. How many times it's gody length can a flea jump?
18. How long can a cockroach live without its head?
19.What can't a male praying mantis do while its head is attached to its body?
20. How many times a day can lions mate?21. What do Butterflies taste with?
22. Elephants are the only animals that can't do what?
23. What's unusual about a cat's urine?
24. Which is bigger an ostrich's eye or its brain?
25. What organ don't Starfishes have?



 ANSWERS:
1. One cup of coffee.
2. An atomic bomb.
3. 30 feet.
4. 150
5. Have sex
6. The TONGUE.
7. Sneeze
8. Kill yourself
9. 18
10. Nine years
11. Plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
12. 30 minutes.
13. Cannot stick its tongue out.
14. They always falls over on their right side.
15. Left handed.
16. Over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
17. 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
18. Nine days - then it starves to death.
19. It cannot copulate The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
20. Over 50 times a day.
21. Their feet.
22. Jump. (thankfully)
23. It glows under a blacklight.
24. It's eye is bigger than it's brain
25. Brains.


After reading all these, all I can say is....Lucky Pig


Tallyho! Best Wishes - Lord Noel