Lord Noel Thinks Of Cool Things

What ho! Pepys...

With all this lovely sunny weather around I have spent as much time as possible outside enjoying it...
...and in the process my mind has wandered orf several times to strange and wonderful places.
During one bout of mental wandering I came across an idea which made me smile broadly...
...and it was this:
http://www.businessonbikes.co.uk/
Suddenly I could imagine myself cycling around the Norfolk broads in the sunshine...
...cheerfully retailing delicious ice creams to happy tourists!

For about £2000 this setup can be up and running as a viable business concern.
My thighs and bum would benefit greatly, as would my stamina and heart muscles...
...and as long as I dont eat all the profits, it would be a lovely way of meeting people, getting fit and making a few bob on the side.
Those of you who know me will realise that it is the Eco friendly aspect of this that appeals to me so much.
And the more I've looked into it, the more I've found out just what bicycles are capable of!
I've mentioned it to several people now...
(including my Mother)
...and their reaction always seems to be consistent...
...they collapse in laughter.
I have yet to discover what it is about this business idea thats amusing them...
...but I think it may be the mental image they conjour up of me on a bicycle dressed as an ice cream man!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Catches Jubilee Fever

What ho! Pepys...

Tonight I spent the evening in the company of a good many older folks in a new wardened block of flats within which my Mother has purchased a retirement home for herself.
Everyone has to eventually face the prospect of growing old and coping with all that being aged brings with it and moving to a home which is more manageable is just one of those phases that one has to go through.
They have the added advantage of a communal living room which is available for all resident to use to sit and chat, play cards and (as was the case tonight) run 'fish and quiz' nights.
Tonight's quiz was entirely based on the Royal Family and had a real Jubilee feel to it.
Although I failed miserably in achieving anywhere close to a reasonable score, the general vibe and chatter within the room had a really pleasant and friendly feel to it and it was a pleasure to be there.
Everyone there is in the same boat, having recently moved in from their previous homes, and all are suffering the same problems and worries of having furniture delivered, trying to get round the new in-house alarm systems and adjusting to their new environments and it's bonding them all wonderfully.
At the end of the night my Mother was really reluctant to leave and hung around chatting to other residents in the lounge area (which is most unlike her - believe me).
So she's gone from being frightened of this new and imposing community to feeling a real desire to want to be a part of it in a short space of time, thanks to a communal living room.
In my view ALL residential housing (flats) could benefit from the same simple facility and I believe it should be an essential part of all new builds.
I'm a convert!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Fancies A Fag

Whatto! Peeps...

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Be

Lord Noel On Men Who Think They Know Better

What ho! Pepys...

Mao Tse Tung (aka Zedong) controlled China with an iron fist for more than three decades, and is widely believed to have caused the death of roughly 50 million people during his reign. His two main political campaigns - the 'Great Leap Forward' and the 'Cultural Revolution' - are considered terrible failures in large part because of the death toll and suppression of human rights. One of the reasons for the massive death toll? A fickle, half-baked idea of Zedong's called the 'Four Pests Campaign'.

The Four Pests Campaign began in 1958. It was one of Zedong's first acts as part of the Great Leap Forward, aimed at eliminating four creatures which Zedong believed put the health and hygiene of the average Chinese citizen at risk. Three of them -- mosquitoes, flies, and rats -- may make some sense, but rendering them extinct, even locally, is a fool's errand. The fourth pest, the sparrow, does not seem to belong on this list. But Zedong observed that sparrows would eat the grains planted by Chinese workers and, therefore, reduce the value of the people's labor. So they made the list, too, and were more effectively targeted than the other three "pests."  Zedong's government began a large-scale propaganda campaign to get peasants to shoo or kill sparrows on sight. One poster shows a child armed with a slingshot saying "Everyone come and fight sparrows."

The campaign was successful on its face, as the sparrow was nearly rendered extinct in China. But it turns out that sparrows did not just eat grains. They also ate insects -- specifically, locusts. The locust population, left unchecked, ate a lot more grain than the sparrows ever could.

By the time Zedong's government noticed and could react, two years had passed, and the damage was already done. The ecological imbalance caused by the Four Pests Campaign helped spur on massive food shortages and, in turn, the death of hundreds of thousands if not millions of people.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
 

Lord Noel Needs Help

What ho! Pepys...

I recently noticed that my office seems to be getting into rather a mess.

So I decided to advertise for a Personal Secretary to take charge of everything.

Here's one of the replies I received....

Dear Lord Noel,

 I enclose some details about myself in relation your recently advertised position.

I am someone who demands a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 

I am also a perfectionist who rarely if if ever overlooks details.
I am always striving to better myself.

Word Perfect 6.0 computer and spreadsheet progroms 

is jus one of the things I have recently lurnt. 

In my last position I received a plague for 'Salesperson 

of the Year' and was instrumental in ruining the entire 

financial operation for a locally based store.

In essence I was working for my mother - until she decided 

to move to a different town.
She always says that its best for employers if I don't 

work with real people so working with yourself 

and Lady Jacqueline would suit me just fine.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse, 

having been wholey responsible for two (2) 

financial institutions - both now failed.
My earliest goal was to be a meteorologist, but since I 

possessed no training in meterology, 

I decided to try retail sales and finance.

I have held several other positions in the fast food 

retail industry since working with my Mother.

I have listed them all on a separate sheet which is attached.

Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping.

I have never quit a job.
The reason for leaving last job was that they insisted 

that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. 

I could not work under those conditions.

The company before this last job made me a scapegoat, 

just like my three previous employers. 
I was asked to leave one job on grounds of maturity leave.

Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience,

especially with managing my own anger without medication.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
I should also mention that I studied for the bar exam, 

failing with relatively high grades. 

 Marital status: 

single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
My Personal interests include donating blood. 

(Fourteen gallons given so far).

Yours sinceerly

Dicky Breath (Mr) -=- Photo enclosed!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Enjoys Earlier Advertising

What ho! Pepys...

These are the types of adverts that influenced our forefarthers and five farthers...

hardly surprising we turned out so 'special'...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Mona Lisa

What ho! Pepys...

Leonardo DaVinci's world recognised masterpiece has fascinated many people because of the model's enigmatic smile. There are many theories as to what she was thinking while the portrait was completed but my own theory is far more straight forward and down to earth and it's based on the fact that 'Mona Lisa' is an anagram of 'Im so anal'.

You're welcome

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

 

Lord Noel - The End Is Nigh

What ho! Pepys...

The financial crisis in Greece is reaching an explosive tipping point, with the youth unemployment rate now exceeding a startling 50 percent and the government itself announcing it will be forced to stop paying salaries and pensions by June:

"We will be in wild bankruptcy, out-of-control bankruptcy," said Theodoros Pangalos, the deputy prime minister of Greece. "The state will not be able to pay salaries and pensions. We have got until June before we run out of money." (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/financialcrisis/9262068/Greece-wil...)


Back in the USA, the state of California is accelerating toward much the same outcome. Suffocated by the terminal financial burden of leftist social programs, welfare handouts, runaway social services and health care costs for its millions of undocumented residents, California is also headed for its own financial implosion.

"We are now facing a $16 billion hole, not the $9 billion we thought in January," said Gov. Jerry Brown in a recent New York Times article. "This means we will have to go much further and make cuts far greater than I asked for at the beginning of the year." (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/13/us/huge-new-shortfall-predicted-in-...) His proposed solution is to impose an "income tax surcharge" on so-called "wealthy Californians," which sooner or later will come to mean just about anyone working for a living. This foolish taxation policy will, of course, only have the unintended effect of causing wealthy business owners to flee California and take all the decent-paying jobs with them. This, in turn, will leave California saddled with a rising population of unemployed workers and a shrinking population of wealthy business innovators who account for 90 percent of the real job creation in California. But this is merely an illusion.

Such is the devastation caused by the current system which prides itself on being based on continual growth. Like an out of control cancer it has nothing to do with Politics, left or right, who are both controlled by big companies and will continue with the status quo while they can still take as much money for themselves, thereby killing the golden goose that has provided them with the free ride they've yearned for, for so long.

Greece will fall first, of course, but California's financial collapse won't be far behind.

And everyone else will follow.

And the one's who will benefit in the end are the Big Banks who will want something valuable to settle the debts that they have allowed world Governments to build up for so many years.

What will you give?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's - Sex Tip Secrets

What ho! Pepys....

People always tell me "You so sexy Lord Noel, I want to love you long time!" so I've finally decided to give in to popular demand and post some of my most closely guarded 'sex tip secrets' for those wishing to improve that area of their existence.
Follow these tips and it'll seem like it's your Birthday!

1. If you're ever described as an 'under achiever' in the bedroom department simply imagine yourself as a limbo dancer.

2. Simulate your very own fantasy 'Wrestling Night' by dressing up in a pair of tight swimming trunks and have your partner boo and hiss at you while you hit them with a folding chair.

3. This is a good one to remember just in case you need to check what time it is whilst watching a porn film - always put your watch on the other wrist.

4. Are you getting sick of the endless blowjobs you are being offered by beautiful women? You can easily put an end to all of this nonesense by simply marrying one of them!

5. You can easily fool people into thinking you are a great lover by walking around shirtless after cutting scratch marks into your back with a fork.

6. Whilst engaging in the act of making love, use a previously downloaded recording of a woman having an orgasm and play it back to yourself through earphones! Satisfaction guaranteed!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

 x x x

Lord Noel On GMO's

What ho! American Pepys...

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on How Obesity Started

What ho! Pepys...

Tallyho!
Best Wishes
(to all skinny girls)
Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Crescendos

What ho! Pepys...

Hey everone...

I've worked out a great anagram of "anticlimax"!.

..and I've written it down...

.. somewhere..

..now where did I put it?...

Aha!...Here it is..

...no that's not it..

..but it's very much like that..

..Oh no ...
have I lost it?
I hope not...
Aha! here it is! 

Ah yes!

It's....

"anticlimax".

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Bridging the Subliminal

What ho! Pepys...

A sunny day on Viagra Bridge

I like to think that the Architect of this bridge...

...realised what a cock up he'd made of the railing design.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On The Perils Of Online Shopping

What ho! Pepys...

Rupert and William suddenly realised that their 'home gymnasium' was somewhat lacking

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Eggs

What ho Pepys!

As someone who kept chickens and found the eggs to be entirely delicious I often wondered if my perception of how wonderful they were was purely psychological, but it seems that some nice Scientists have been testing the contents of eggs since the early 1970's and comparing them with commercially produced eggs - and guess what? - the free range have consistently out performed the commercial eggs. 

I knew very well that they are much more tasty when I was eating them, but it's difficult to be precise about why. It turns out the nutritional value of commercial eggs is lowered due to the conditions in which the birds are kept. Like so many foods we eat these days, the nutritional values are dropping fast and we are just not getting the goodness we could from the food that we are offered in supermarkets.

Another sound reason for buying organic whenever you can.

 

Check out the facts:

In 1974, the British Journal of Nutrition found that pastured eggs had 50 % more folic acid and 70 % more vitamin B12 than eggs from factory farm hens.

In 1988, Artemis Simopoulos, co-author of The Omega Diet, found pastured eggs in Greece contained 13 times more omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids than U.S. commercial eggs.

A 1998 study in Animal Feed Science and Technology found that pastured eggs had higher omega-3s and vitamin E than eggs from caged hens.

A 1999 study by Barb Gorski at Pennsylvania State University found that eggs from pastured birds had 10 % less fat, 34 % less cholesterol, 40 % more vitamin A, and four times the omega-3s compared to the standard USDA data. Her study also tested pastured chicken meat, and found it to have 21 % less fat, 30 % less saturated fat and 50 % more vitamin A than the USDA standard.

In 2003, Heather Karsten at Pennsylvania State University compared eggs from two groups of Hy-Line variety hens, with one kept in standard crowded factory farm conditions and the other on mixed grass and legume pasture. The eggs had similar levels of fat and cholesterol, but the pastured eggs had three times more omega-3s, 220 % more vitamin E and 62 % more vitamin A than eggs from caged hens.

The 2005 study Mother Earth News conducted of four heritage-breed pastured flocks in Kansas found that pastured eggs had roughly half the cholesterol, 50 % more vitamin E, and three times more beta carotene.

The 2007 reults are on a pdf file which you can find here.

Read more: http://www.motherearthnews.com/Real-Food/2007-10-01/Tests-Reveal-Healthier-Eggs.aspx?page=4#ixzz1u72JM24n

That reminds me - I must get some more chickens!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Diagnosis

What ho! Pepys...

Of course I'm not a real Doctor but even I know that

if you find yourself saying "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn"... 

and then later, find yourself repeating "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn"... 

It could be the start of Two Rhetts Syndrome

You're welcome


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reminds You All Of A Frothcoming Publication

What ho! Pepys...

I'm not sure whether you will be privy to this outstanding publication

but those wonderful chaps and chapesses at 'Famous' Magazine 

have done a rather largely massive article

with FULL colour and black and white (tasteful) photographs 

of myself and Lady Jacqueline

relaxing together here at our New Luxury Holiday Villa.

One hopes that one will enjoy it!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Visits Langkawi's Underwater World

What ho! Pepys...

Now and then it's lovely to escape the amazing heat here and visit somewhere with air conditioning.

Underwater world is just such a place.
But it's not all underwater as you can see from the following pics - some of it is above water:
 

Some of the animals are so lovely - it just makes you want to run over and give them a big hug!

But it's easy to overlook stuff as there is so much to see.
This little beauty is only about an inch long!

And I found it impossible to capture the majestic gracefulness of the manta rays 'in flight'.

One of the exhibitions reminded me of a kind of 'SteamPunk Fishtank'

And then we were outside again, past waterfalls that led to a Koi garden.

These next creatures are named after exactly what they appear to be - 'Upside down Jellyfish'

On this next pic you can just see the mouth - which looks like an eye - and it was moving out and in like the bulging pupil of a one eyed prickly monster.

Lady J thought these clownfish looked as though they'd been badly painted with tippex. They are the only fish that can withstand the stings of this anemone because of the slimy coating all over their body. In return the anemone provides the fish with food and they even suck the stings from time to time too.

This was my favourite though. Right at the end of the exhibition are amazingly alien-like jellyfish which have existed for 32 billion years in the same form. They move around gracefully with the most delicate of soft netting and strands hanging from their pulsing body and yet they have no brain!...and no nervous system or blood supply either! WTF?

A great way to cool down - well designed and laid out and good value too.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel