Lord Noel Says "It's QUIZ TIME!"

Whatto! Pepys...

Todays QUIZ is a very simple TRUE or FALSE? one.
Read the list of 'FACTS' given below and decide which one's are TRUE and which one's are FALSE.
The answers appear at the bottom (but NO cheating!)

So let's begin...

LORD NOEL'S TRUE? or FALSE? QUIZ

1. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.


2. If she were life size, Barbie's measurements are: 39-23-33.

3. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

4. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

5. All 50 American states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

6. Almonds are members of the peach family.

7. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

8. Maine is the only American state whose name is just one syllable.

9. There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous"

10. The longest place-name still in use is one used for a hill in New Zealand.

11. Los Angeles's full name can be abbreviated to "L.A." which is 3.63% of its full, original name.

12. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

13. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

14. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

15. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

16. Al Capone's business card said he was a 'used furniture dealer'.

17. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

18. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

19. An American dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

20. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

21. The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

22. The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z - hence "Oz."

23. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

24. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

25. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

26. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

27. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.



FINISHED!



Wondering how you did?
  Scroll down for the answers.... \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ Nearly there! \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ ANSWERS!       Guess what?   They are ALL True!   Q9. The 4 words are: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. Q10. The name of the hill in New Zealand is: Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu Q11. L.A's full name is: "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Sheety Story

Whatto! Pepys...

I was walking past someone's front garden yesterday when I was surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle, hanging up on their washing line.
As luck would have it the pretty young housewife, who I recognised as Doreen, came out of her front foor that moment and I waved to her.
She, being someone for whom I have provided a shoulder to cry on in the past, during times of great need, waved back.
"Good day!" I ventured "I couldn't help noticing that you have a hole in your sheet."
"Hello Lord Noel!" she replied "It's lovely to see you again! Yes, the sheet is from a game of "Who's whose?" we were playing at a party we had here last night. It was wonderful!"
"Oh really?" I replied "How does that work then?"
She smiled a very broad smile and began to explain "Well...we hang the sheet up and each of the men have to put their 'equipment' through the hole and the women have to try to guess their identity!"
"Gosh! that sounds like great fun," I said "Almost makes me wish I'd been there. Har! Har!"
"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times!"


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Being Phonically Challenged

Whatto! Pepys...

I am proud to announce that I seem to be one of the last people in our village to retain a decent remnant of the last Millenia.
It doesn't do 'Apps' or 'Emails' or 'Surfing' so to many modern users it would appear to be totally useless! Even the on-board camera is substandard!
But I love it still.... because it does what I want it to do!
Texts and phonecalls!
It also costs me about £40 a year.... (but I'm trying to cut down)
Truth be told I also love the 'flip-up top' because it allows me to believe (for a fleeting moment) that I am part of the cast of the original Star Trek TV series - asking the Bridge to 'beam me up!'.
I've noticed that these days some people text me "plz" because it's shorter than "please".
So I text back "no" because it's shorter than "yes".
Oh, and by the way, if someone has the audacity to send you a text saying 'Soz' they aren't really sorry.
I have to admit that technology IS wonderful! We've come such a long long way from having to find an empty (and working!) phonebox on a street corner and also have a pocket full of 2 pence pieces. It came home to me recently when I heard a man saying "Hold that pose. My camera is ringing!"

But it can also be a complete menace....
Socialising with friends has been badly affected.
How often these days does an offer of a tasty meal at someone's home deteriorate into a bunch of friends coming over just to play on their phones?
And why is that you can take the time to travels miles to actually BE with a friend or companion, in person, so you can have a nice old primitive 'chat' but as soon as someone rings them on their precious mobile they simply MUST be answered! or WORSE STILL a Facebook status 'updated'? I don't blame the person making the call... how could they know?
But it's tantamount to allowing someone to come over and interupt you mid-sentence without even the merest hint of an apology.
Maybe that is why I have absolutely no human friends?
Luckily, being close to the glutus maximus of nowhere, our wireless coverage is absolutely appalling so in no time at all our guests realise (sometimes in complete horror!) that they will have to spend the rest of the evening 'interacting' face to face with us humans!

It's a positive spin on a situation which really shouldn't exist these days... but I'm glad it does!
After all, I've seen the photos from Mars and I'm still amazed that 'Curiosity' ever managed to find wireless coverage when I can't even send a text from my kitchen!
One day I will no doubt be tempted to upgrade to something which will thenceforth become my eternal companion and I will end up spending many hours each day stroking it with compulsive lovingness.... but in the meantime I am in the proud position of being someone...
... who still knows more than their phone.

If you own a mobile phone or use wi-fi - check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ld8pCSjNcA&feature=youtu.be&a

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Technology

Whatto! Pepys...

There is a well known saying from which I derive great comfort in my hours of need and it goes something like this..."Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. Fool me three times. Why don't you just stop picking on me? I'm clearly a raving idiot!"

After ruminating on this for a number of nanoseconds I can sincerely state that I believe this predicament has come about mainly due to the inexactitude of Science.
For years Scientists have been telling us that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons. But in reaching this conclusion they have clearly forgotten to include Morons.
To counter this lack of foresight I have finally invented a computer which I believe is easily as smart as a REAL person. When my new improved computer makes a mistake, it simply blames another computer!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gives Further FREE Advice

Whatto! Pepys...

Further FREE ADVICE from your wonderful benefactor!

"Dear Lord Jesus  Noel
I'm reely angree! This guy just yelled at me for texting and driving! I shouted back at him to get off my bonnet and mind his own freekin business!
I'm sooooooooooo upset!
The whole thing made me drop my cheezburger!
Yurz
Isabelle Tinkley"


"Dearest Isabelle
Thank you for contacting me about your latest automobile debacle.
This is a prime example of why in-car hygiene is so important!
Imagine how distasteful it could have been had your cheezburger been covered in dust, grit and potentially - lower body hairs? Judging by the photograph you have enclosed I shudder to think how it might have affected you to have to forego your tasty morsel!

It's at times like this that I take great comfort from how much I've learnt a lot from the Mayans....
Like - "if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world!"
And remember that texting can be particulary hazardous whilst driving - so my sincerest advice to you is to switch off your autocorrect! 
Sometimes it can be your worst enema.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel"



Lord Noel On Progress

Whatto! Pepys...

In my continuing capacity as FREE online Agony Uncle I would like to reply to this plaintive plea from one of my loyal readers...


"Dear Your Highness Lord Noel
Just now my nephew said to me 'This match won't light, which is weird because it did this morning.'
Aren't modern children really stupid and dumb?!
Yourz
Amos Ignor
(backwards)"


"Dear Ignor
Thank you for addressing me by my full Title but I assure you that within informal correspondences such as this, a simple 'God' will suffice.

I know exactly what you mean about children because my gardener recently said to his son "When I was your age, the internet was called television! Now shut up and eat your alphabetti spaghetti!" Har! Har!
I must admit to being a little disappointed with Man's (and Woman's) progress to date. I always thought that by now we'd have incredible inventions all around us - things like flying cars! But instead, we seem to have blankets with sleeves!
It's very upsetting for older people like myself who would like to know there will be sufficiently technology in place to make it unecessary to have more than six maids and two Butlers.
Speaking of old people here's a very handy pick up line for any saucy elderly man...
"Hey baby, I’ve fallen for you - but I can’t get up - so can you ring the Warden?"
Hope this helps

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On Arson About

Whatto! Pepys...

I was recently told by a so called 'Fire Safety Expert' that a 'sensible' safety measure for one to take would be to test one's fire alarm at least once a month.
Well let me tell you, I followed this advice but I found it to be far from sensible!
Now, after three house moves I can tell you this advice has cost me well over £3,000,000!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel.



Lord Noel On Cooking

Whatto! Pepys...

This morning I found my tiny letterbox had been stretched out of shape by the huge deluge of 'advice seeking' letters which had been forced through it's tight little opening.
I will endeavour to get through them all in the fullness of time as part of my service to the community as your FREE online Agony Uncle!

Here's a letter from one dear follower...

"Dear Lord Noel
In your capacity as a well known and Internationally Acclaimed Chef can you please tell me long I'm supposed to age food in the fridge before I throw it out?
Yours toxically
Ivor Growth"

"Dear Ivor,
How sweet of you to mention my impressive Culinary Credentials!
(which are outlined in far more prosaic detail within the pages of my wonderful autobiography along with many glamourous and original recipes like 'Sweet and sour porcupine balls' and 'Flambeed tortoise in eel lung soup' and, of course, my Celebrated "Round beefy things" also regularly featured by the American press for their fabulous value!)

I must admit that the whole subject of food is very confusing to the uninitiated! For example - where on earth do you put your food when you ARE finally ready to eat it? On the table? On a plate? In your mouth? The sheer number of choices available can soon make one entirely baffled!
I remember the first time I tried to cook that well known Cambodian dish of 'crushed frogs larynx in quail's piss'... the recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but then I couldn't open it because the door was facing the wall!
Hope this helps.
Tallyho!"

Best Wishes - Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On Dogs

Whatto! Pepys...

I've been rummaging through my bulging sack once more to bring you this recent letter which I received from a dear follower...

"Dear Lord Noel,
some time ago I purchased a lovely Golden Retriever. It is a very attractive dog but has so far never brought me any gold. Can you help?
Yours sincerely Dick Breayth"


"Dear Dick,
I had a Golden Retriever once and he was actually a rescue dog. He used to rescue things like food from the bin and socks from the laundry basket.
I thought he might benefit from a bit of training, so I bought a book on obedience...
but it turns out the dog can't even read!
Hope this helps!
Best Wishes
Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On Lawyer Quotes

Whatto! Pepys...

Considering how well paid they are, some Lawyers have been found to say some amusingly silly things. Here's a selection from the Courtrooms of America...

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

A: I used to be.
Q: Isn't it true that you have recently become very unstable?
A: Yes. I think so
Q: How many times this year have you commited suicide?
A: Four times.

Q: You told the Court earlier that the Defendant broke your nose?
A: Yes that is correct.
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A. Yes
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: And did he kill you?
A: No.

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
A. My brother.

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's twenty.

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: Do you have any children, or anything of that kind?

Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask if you recognize the person in the picture?
A: Yes. That's me.
Q: Were you present when this picture was taken?
A: Yes I was.
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
A: My Husband's.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are?
A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8?
A: Yes.
Q: Perhaps you would be good enough to describe to the Court what were you doing at that time?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?
A: Yes I was.

Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many of them were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
A: Yes.

Q: So you don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they also go up?

One Texas attorney, must have realised he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, when he interrupted himself and said "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Doctor do you recall the time that you examined the body of Mr. Smith?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started at about 8:30.
Q: And Mr. Jones was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why he was the subject of an autopsy!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Yo Mama

Whatto! Pepys...

I have recently discovered an American pastime which I hope catches on here in the UK.
It basically involves cruely mocking obesely fat people in a way that preserves their anonymity by referring to them generically as 'Yo Mama'.
Whether it was started as an inducement for overweight people to lose a few pounds I'm not sure ...but judging from statistics currently available from the USA that 'strategy' is clearly not working.
Here in the UK we really love to copy the American's in so many ways and we've noticed that obesity has risen dramatically here in the last 10 years.
Maybe it's time for some enterprsing entrepreneur to make this pastime into a UK quiz show using obese contestants? It would encourage the remaining 'masses' to stay indoors watching TV, eating their chicken wings and pizzas as they munch their way to oblivion?
At least it would take everyone's minds off Fukushima?!
Here are a few of my personal favourites to get you started...

Yo mama's so fat, When she 'hauls ass' she has to make two trips.

Yo mama's so fat, When she dances she makes the band skip.
Yo mama's so fat, When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
Yo mama's so fat, She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Yo mama's so fat, her ass has it's own congressman.
Yo mama's so fat, When she goes to the zoo, the elephants throw her peanuts.
Yo mama's so fat, Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Yo mama's so fat, Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
Yo mama's so fat, All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.
Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
    Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Moaning

Whatto! Pepys...

People just LOVE to moan don't they?
Moaning about the weather....
Moaning about how it's 'too hot' or 'too cold'...
Moaning about how much 'things have changed'...
...how they're 'not as good as they used to be'...
Moaning about how 'nothing works properly'...
...and how 'everything falls to bits after you've used it a couple of times'.
Moaning how no-one seems to give a shit any more.
But I believe it's just a matter of adopting the right perspective...
...allow me to explain...
There was a time here in the UK not so long ago when many of our roads were at a standtill with slow driven lorries and the forecourts of garages were chockablock with people protesting and moaning about the rising price of fuel...
...and yet today, fuel prices are waaaaaaaaaaay above anything we experienced back then...
...but now nobody cares enough to protest or take a stand against the Oil Companies.
And I think I know why...
It's not that people like to see Oil Companies making huge profits that benefit no-one but the CEO's and shareholders ...
...it's not even because people who live in a country with large oil deposits are keeping their heads down in the hope that America doesn't suddenly spot them and bomb the hell out of them or fund some friendly 'Al qeada' Operatives to overthrow their non puppety Rulers....
No...I believe it's something much more fundamental.
People are finally realised that oil is a truly valuable product that deserves to be priced as high as possible and they have adjusted their perspectives accordingly.
After all...that gallon of fuel is not just some inert substance that they dug up for free from the Earth that we ALL inhabit (so rightly it already belongs to us all) and then used modern highly sophisticated technology to squish it up through a pipe...
No! It's actually Burnable HISTORY!
When you go to a filling station and purchase your litre of rarified oil remember what you are TRULY buying is...
LIQUIDISED DINOSAURS!
Bargain!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Hammered

Whatto! Pepys...

As today is Guy Fawkes Day I thought I would reproduce for you (in full) this lovely letter I received from a lovely Carpenter...

"Dearest Lordy Noel

I am a Carpenter.
At Easter (when another famous Carpenter was nailed to a cross) I found myself thinking of the well known Carpenter's song which includes those infamous lyrics "Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?"

Is it really just because I put bird seed in their pockets?

Yours woodenly
M.C. Hammer"



"Dearly beloved M,

We are gathered here today to answer your underlying question.
You know... the one you wanted to ask...but didn't actually ask?
Well in answer to that particular question...
To get your porn star name, take the number of times you've had sex in the past week and then you suddenly realise you're not a porn star at all, are you?
And in answer to the second underlying question that you wanted to ask but didn't... by far the best way to start any Health and Safety demonstration is to leap to your feet and suddenly shout out loud.... 
"JUST DO AS I SAY AND NOBODY GETS HURT!" 

You're welcome

ps. I understand that before you became a carpenter you used to work in a museum where you were a bit over protective of all the exhibits? Your main preoccupation being to tell all the visitors "You can't touch this!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On Bonfires

Whatto! Pepys....

It's almost that bally Guy Fawkes Night again! A time when we celebrate the overthrow of democracy here the UK by a well known terrorist with a foreign sounding name and the subsequent implementation of a Police State that lasted right up until 1984 when George Orwell wrote about Margaret Thatcher selling England to the Americans for one florin and a packet of quavers. But that's all beside the point... my message to you today concerns the vulnerable beauty of Nature and all those delicately gorgeous woodland creatures that we need to care for at this time of year. That is why I am asking you all to consider, if you are planning to have a bonfire on your grounds this year, to please make sure that the hedgehogs and tortoises are evenly distributed to ensure they are all thoroughly cooked.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel On Getting On Well

Whatto! Pepys...

A very good friend was taken to hospital after having a bad accident in his car.
The Police investigated it and found out that apparently his brakes had failed!
This gave me a good idea for what to write inside his 'Get Well Soon' card...
So I wrote...

"What you don't know can't hurt you!"

Har!
(How we laughed!)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel Asks - Are You Too Corporate?

Whatto! Pepys...



I have recently been interacting with people from large Corporations and I have identified a number of personality traits which may indicate that you are definitely 'One of them'! Check out the list below and test yourself...

You ARE too Corporate if...

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.

2. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization."
3. You refer to dating as 'test marketing'.
4. You can spell "paradigm."
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand every airline's fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know.
10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
12. You explain to your bank manager that you don't like to think of yourself as "in debt" just "highly leveraged".
13. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line."
14. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses."
15. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
16. You talk to the waiter about 'process flow' when dinner arrives late.
17. You refer to your significant other as "my Co-CEO."
18. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
19. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
20. You account for your children's education costs as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
21. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
22. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
23. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
24. You insist that your new car comes with a white board and Internet connection.
25. You regularly give constructive feedback to your dog.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Halloween Costumes

Whatto! Pepys...

A couple I know were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party this year, but his wife got a terrible migraine prior to them leaving. After some discussion, she persuaded her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband protested, but she explained and said she was going to take some strong aspirin and go to bed, and "there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going". So he finally agreed and taking his costume, away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband had not yet seen her costume so did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice young thing he could, groping a little here and a kissing a little there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive lady herself, he immediately left his 'dance partner' high and dry and devoted his time fully to the new 'distraction' that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to a nearby store room and had a little 'one on one'.
Just before the agreed time for unmasking at midnight, she quietly slipped away and went home and, putting the costume away, she got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation her husband would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "Honestly? I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Peter, William Brown and some other chaps, and we went into the study and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you, the chap I leant my costume to told me later that he'd had a marvelous time!"


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel




  They got dressed up in their finery and put on their masks and rang up to arrange for their taxi with growing excitement. But twenty minutes or so before it was due to arrive she began feigning sickness! The husband was obviously concerned but in the end his wife persuaded him to go on alone