Lord Noel On Trick Or Treating

Whatto! Pepys...

It's that time of year again!
When skeletons and Vampires roam the streets calling from door to door in search of something that will satisfy their uncontrollably lustful cravings - for a high carbohydrate diet!
This year I've decided to go Trick or Treating instead of staying in and having wonderful sex with my good Lady wife because I've decided that there are several good reasons.....

Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex:



1. By the end of the night you're GUARANTEED to get something in the sack.

2. If you get tired, you can just wait ten minutes and then go at it again.

3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get something.

4. You don't have to pay anyone compliments to get the sweeties.

5. If you don't get exactly what you want, you just try somewhere else.

6. Forty years from now, you can still enjoy the sweets.

7. It's not frowned upon if you decide to swap with your friends.

8. It doesn't matter if small children hear you moaning and groaning in public.

9. No one expects you to hang around afterwards once you've got your sweets.

10. You can actually end up doing the whole neighbourhood!

11. And then come home and have SEX!...


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Ghoolie Noelie!

Lord Noel's Sleep Tips

Whatto! Peeps....

If...

...when you're tucked up in bed tonight....

....you begin to hear strange noises...

..don't worry. 

It's probably just the central heating...
....or timbers creaking with changes in the temperature...

... it's certainly not ZOMBIES....
....slowly shuffling their way up the stairs...
...with their rotting, corpse-like bodies...
...and foul smelling breath...
...to get you.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noooooo

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Lord Noel Is Asked A Question

Whatto! Pepys...

Here are the full transcripts of a lovely question sent in by one of my lovely viewers of my lovely yet distinguished Blog, followed by my platitudinously lovely reply. Hope you're feeling the love everyone!


"Dear Lord Noel
Your Highness,
Did you know that California, in Americaland, has the highest rate of both Adultery and Depression?
That, to me, is a Sad State of Affairs!
Yours factually
Ivor Nofrenz

ps. will you be my friend?"

"Dearest Ivy,

Your question reminded me of a recent discussion my good Lady wife and I had together whilst we were shopping inside a local wine merchants.
We were given quite a few free samples of top quality toddy to imbibe and suddenly I felt in the mood for a debate! I kicked off this particular debate by asking my good Lady wife whether she believed that Nudists have the most successful marriages because neither partner wears the trousers and she said to me "Lord Noel, for God's sake shut up!... and put some clothes on!"
I don't remember exactly what I said after that because the Police arrived and took me away - but I do remember my wife calling out to me something about "Maybe this will bring you back to reality!?" (She was of course, assuming that I'd been there before). The Police were very polite and courtious and made me feel very wanted by taking my photograph (I ordered three copies) and my fingerprints (apparently I will have a long and happy life and then meet a tall dark stranger in a wine merchants who will whisk me away - so I will henceforth be very wary of anyone carrying whisks).
Then they painlessly extracting some of my rare and sought after DNA through my front hole (mouth) doubtless with a view to cloning me at some point in the future! (I pretended to be flattered).
I was then called a Psychiatrist (which is something I hate being called) and I was told to join them in an interview room - so I handcuffed their wrists together.
At one point (to liven things up a bit) I said to them "If this is a Police Interview then I want to see my Solicitor - I know my rights Copper!"
In retrospect I can see that this was probably a bad way to start the interview and was probably the reason why I didn't end up getting the job.
They then proceded to play Psychological tricks on me like bringing me nice drinks, followed swiftly by badly made drinks. At one point I had two unfinished cups of coffee in front of me - and then it dawned on me! This was the old 'good cup, bad cup' routine!
The Psychiatrist finally arrived and I was told by them that sometimes talking is a good thing to do and I said "Not when you're underwater!" and they said "A problem shared is a problem halved" and I said "Not if it's a sexually tranmitted disease".
Anyway we had a lovely chat and I told them I was a Freemason and they let me go.
I was given a small packet of pills to take but I don't like to take medicine so I ended up wanting to throw them away but I was afraid a small adult might find them and take them so I ended up hiding them in my wife's handbag where everything is lost forever(she can never find anything in there).
Don't you just hate it when you're out shopping and your wife gives you her handbag to hold and it doesn't match anything you're wearing?
Yuk!
And in answer to your second question...No.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel"



Lord Noel Sets A Maths Problem

Whatto! Pepys...

I was sitting in our kitchen here at Virtual Manor when I decided to pose my good Lady wife a mathematics problem.
"Lady Jacqueline...." I began "if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
Immediately she replied "None,"
"What makes you say that?" I ventured
"Because the rest would fly away!" she confidently replied.
"Well the 'actual' answer is four," I said, "but I like the way you`re thinking."
Lady Jacqueline then said, "Now I have a question for you Lord Noel....
...If there were three men eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking his cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was scooping it with a spoon, which one is married?"
"Well...." I began nervously, "I guess it would be the one licking the cone?"
"No," said Lady Jacqueline, "he's the one with the wedding ring on his finger, but I like the way you`re thinking."


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel On The Signs of a Drinker

Whatto! Pepys...

Sometimes alcohol is not your friend.
Some people should just give alcohol a wide berth.
My friend Patton is one such person.
Patton staggered home very late after another evening in the pub. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on
his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his trousers and pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Aliens

Whatto! People...

This delightful person wrote in to this infamous Lord Noel Blog....

"Dearest Cuddly Lord Noel,
Perhaps you would be good enough to tell me how I am supposed to believe in Aliens when the Fermi Paradox clearly dispels this belief as unfounded?
Yours
Commander Thorg
(of the 5th Zallaktikan Starfleet)"


"Dear Commander,
Thank you for drawing our attention to the Fermi Paradox, (which was, after all, created following an amusing dare in a canteen queue). It is the perfect example of the modern human condition know colloquially as 'Arrogance', the assumption being that there is no proof of 'Colonisation' anywhere!... and therefore that intelligent life does not exist.
This is almost beyond belief.
Has no-one marvelled at the amazing number of Pyramid cultures that exist in ruins throughout the ancient world?... all of which were created by cultures that reflect belief systems that directly revolve around the myths and legends passed down by mouth?
Stories of 'Gods from the sky' that 'visited us' here on earth?... arriving in 'ships from the sky'... that 'glowed like the sun'? 
There are many good books on this subject but the one I would recommend to you as a good starting point is Wayne Herchel's 'Hidden Records' which should help to awaken any sleeping grey matter you still retain.
People say - where is the evidence? Surely there should be more physical evidence?
But consider this predicament....
We, as far as we are concerned, are the most developed species that has ever existed on earth, but just say for example that a catastrophic event such as a meteor impact happened to us in 19 years time. All of our iphones would instantly become useless, along with all of our computers and their records and everything held on them. The only artifacts we would have to show for our existence would be the mundane props of our everyday existence - our clothing and food preparation equipment.
Everything else would soon be lost; inaccessible to anyone without knowledge of our current technology. The population that survived such an impact will be literally thrown back into the stone age!
How many of us actually possess the ability to produce, for example, simple metal objects from scratch?
Or the technical know-how to provide ourselves with an electrical supply?
Or even the ability to repair any appliances that we already have?
Knowing what we know today we would probably just pass down  a faint remembering to our childrens children that we had of a contest that was once staged many miles away from us involving singers on a thing called a stage who were judged by three leaders and we watched the whole thing through magic boxes in our living rooms! 
After several generations of re-telling, how many people would bother to even remember the shallow and vacuous 'Story of X Factor'?
Even if they did.............


Sorry everyone, Lord Noel here, I've managed to wrestle the keyboard away from my Butler Oscar so normal service will be resumed immediately!...
Now where were we?
Oh yes 'Aliens'!
This important question reminded me that we can't always have what we want in life....
...the other evening I said to my lovely Lady wife that I wanted to have a Van Gogh in the living room...
She just told me to remember to use the tissues.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On Come Backs

Whatto! Pepys...

Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Probably, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too - if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."



Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."

Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:

Woman: "You're right, but if I could see you naked, I'd probably die laughing."



Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "That's true but there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."

Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Scottish Yarn

Whatto! Pepys...

Once upon a time an extraordinarily handsome Scotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a local crofter who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the crofter, asking for permission to marry one of them.
"They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place," said the crofter. "Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The Scotsman dated the first daughter.
The next day the crofter asked for the young man's opinion.
"Well," said the Scotsman, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The crofter nodded and suggested the Scotsman date one of his other daughters; so the Scotsman went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the crofter again asked how things went.
"Well," the Scotsman replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The crofter nodded and suggested he date his third daughter to see if things might be better.
So the Scotsman did.
The next morning the Scotsman rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the Scotsman visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human being you could imagine. In fact he actually looked a bit Welsh. So he rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen.

"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks Why oh Why oh Why?

Whattio! Pepys...



Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there isn't enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why put an 'S' into the word 'lisp'?

Why do people who clearly don't understand evolution still ask 'If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?'

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel on Always learning

Whatto! Peeps...

A book entitled "How to understand women"

I have compiled this list of things I have learnt over the years...

...and I keep adding new things to it all the time:

1. I think one of a best friend's jobs should be to immediately clear your computer memory if you die.

2. Nothing hurts more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

4. There is great need for emails to provide a sarcasm font.

5. How the bally heck is one supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Is it just me or do high school pupils get thicker every year?

7. I enjoy eating biscuits whilst trying to decipher that fine line between boredom and hunger.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you exactly how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make very good stories.

11. You never know when it will occur, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day... and yet you're expected to remain there.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...yet again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of 'Word' and it asks me "Do you want to save any changes made?" to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. If a label says "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" That means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate it when I just miss a call by the very last ring grabbing the receiver and calling "Hello? Hello?" to nobody, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? ...Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. Sometimes, I'll watch an entire movie and suddenly realize: A) that I've watched it before  B) I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

19. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand with the plastic cutting into my hands than take two trips to bring my groceries in.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Oh! Too Idiotic?

Whatto! Pepys....

Further down our lane there lives an Oxygenated Moron......
.......it's an open secret that he has often been found missing the ability to act naturally and is clearly confused by the seriously funny idea of tragic comedy.

His larger half would give him (when they were alone together) his unbiased opinion on free love, freezer burns and tight slacks, but it was the almost exact genuine imitation of a Hell's Angel letting out a silent scream in Microsoft Works virtual reality that led him to believe that this working holiday would come to a rolling stop.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel