Whattho! Pepys...
For Xmas this year my wife purchased a week of private sessions
at the local health club for me. Though still in great shape from when I
was on the under 14 chess team in Grammar school, I decided it was a good
idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone
named Tanya, who said she was a '26-year-old aerobics instructor and
athletic clothing model' - a likely story!
My wife seemed very pleased with how suddenly enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress - so here goes:
Day 1.
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but soooo worth it when I
arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something
of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me all of
the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think it was just
standing next to her, in THAT outfit of hers, that added about ten points.
Enjoyed watching the aerobics class - great spectator sport. Tanya was very encouraging as I did
my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a
little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is
going to be really GREAT.
Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door today, but I made it. Tanya
had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then
she put weights on it! For heaven's sake woman! Har! Legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth
while. Muscles ALL feel really GREAT.
Day 3.
Today I found out that the only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I
have developed a hernia in both of my pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer. I parked in the Gym carpark - on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little
impatient with me and told me my screaming was bothering the other club
members! The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair monster. Why
would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make
me live longer. Right now I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her shiny vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to
tie my shoelaces. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The
word "dumb" is in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until
she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing
machine. I SANK!
Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not
in extreme pain I would certainly use it to hit her. She thought it would be a good
idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't
have triceps! And if you don't want any more dents in your precious floors don't hand me
those stupid barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went
to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a
science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like a music, art, or social studies teacher? Bitches!
Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I
lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours of the Food channel. Felt full up afterwards.
Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my
wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate
for a root canal.
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
