Tuesday 8 February 2011

Lord Noel's International Agricultural Models

Whatto! Peeps.......

There are a number of 'International Models' within the area of Dairy Farming expertise, and they can be summed up as follows:

The NAMIBIAN Model
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        You have two cows.
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        You make biltong - a delicious cured meat dish. Yum.

The AMERICAN Model

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      You have two cows that you got from invading a field in a faraway foreign country.
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        You sell one, and force the other, at gunpoint, to produce the milk of four cows.
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        You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

The SOUTH AFRICAN Model

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        You have two cows.
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        You go on strike because you want three cows.
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        They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime' and steal someone else's cows and shoot their owner.

The ZIMBABWEAN Model

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        A farmer has two cows.
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        You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply you with more.

The JAPANESE Model

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        You have two cows.
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        You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
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        You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them world-wide with great success.

The GERMAN Model

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        You have two cows.
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        You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

The BRITISH Model

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        You have two cows.
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        They are both mad.

The INDIAN Model

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        You have two cows.
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        You pray to them for food whilst taking telephone calls from disgruntled Europeans. 

The ITALIAN Model

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        You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
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        You go for lunch and have a nice Pizza with salad and a bottle of Chianti.

The RUSSIAN Model

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        You have two cows.
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        You count them and learn you have five cows.
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        You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
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        You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
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        You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

The SWISS Model

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        You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
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        You charge others for storing them.

The CHINESE Model

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        You have two cows.
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        You have 300 people milking them.
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        You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the information in the first place.

The AUSTRALIAN Model

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        You have two cows.
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        The one on the left is kinda cute...

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel