Lord Noel on Shakespeare

Whatto! Peeps...

INTERESTING FACT No.7
 
I've just found out 

that William Shakespeare died on the same day he was born!

I think that makes his writing achievements 

all the more impressive.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on a Dead Cert Way of Communing at Low Cost

Whatto! Peeps...

If, like me, you have recently become fascinated by the Occult...

...and wish to commune with the Spirits of the Dead...

...but are unable to do this because you are a bit short of cash...

I have come up with what I believe to be the perfect solution!

Simply write the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board 

...and let the ghosts do the work for you.

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Horoscopic Tips

Whatto! Peeps...

Due to the powers divested in me by the 'Spirit of Champagne Passed'...

I found that I have been given the ability to predict the future for some lucky individuals...

Today it's the turn of you Pisces!

Pisceans: You are naturally prone to nervousness and find you can't make friends easily - this often causes you to over eat. This Wednesday try buying a hamster to look after. Not only will you find this experience emotionally rewarding but they also make a delicious emergency snack.

You're welcome!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Halloween Q & As

Whatto! Peeps....

What do you say to a skeleton going on holiday? 
Bone voyage! 

What do you call two witches in the same room? 
Broommates 

What's the ratio of a jack-o'-lantern's circumference to its diameter? 
Pumpkin Pi

How do you mend a torn witches dress?
With a pumpkin patch! 

What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin with a jack-o-lantern.

Why do ghouls hang around with demons?
(sing this one): 'Cause demons are a ghoul's best friend!

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.

Why did the monster eat the train?
Because it told him to "Choo, choo."

Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup.
He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

Tallyho!

& Happy New Year!

Best  Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Holy Water

Whatto! Peeps.....

I'm sorry to report that a train has hit a bus load of nuns and they have all perished. 

They are went immediately to heaven where they are queuing up for the pearly gates.

As we all know 'Sex' is a sin to all Christians (unless it is for procreation - and even then it's frowned upon) and everyone in the queue who wants to get into Heaven has to first get past St.Peter - who, as we all know, is a stickler for the rules. 

St.Peter asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a man's genitalia?" 

She giggles and slyly replies "Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger". 

St.Peter winces and shakes his head and says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate". 

St.Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth, have you ever had any contact with a man's genitalia?" The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one". 

St.Peter looks aghast but says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate". 

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line! 

When she reaches the front of the line St.Peter says "Sister, Sister! What seems to be the rush?" 

The nun replies "Well if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!!" 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Time Travel

Whatto! Peeps...

I will miss the clocks 

when they go back... 

but apparently 

they really miss their home planet 

and long to see 

its copper skies again

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Wavy Quiz

Whatto! Peeps...

Todays Quiz is Famous Waves!

Can you identify the waver in each picture?

The first person with all the correct answers wins 

a round of applause from a room full of captive Nuns...

...but please be quick as the Police are on their way!

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Watch Out! - It's All Kicking Orf!"

Whatto! Peeps...

With everything happening elsewhere in the World..
...all the Wars...
...Famine...
...Pollution...
...it's quite reassuring when the latest news in the UK includes this...

...and even the BBC cover a story like this.
So I am pleased to add a little local news of our own
...to this frantic melting pot....

I blame the Media for taking what started orf as a kerfuffle and blowing it up out of all proportion into a To do and then continuing to fan the flames until it became the fully blown Rumpus we are now experiencing. If this is not dealt with immediately by the Authorities then I fully expect that next year this is likely to become a Commotion or maybe even....an Uproar! You have been warned!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Flashes The Cash

Whatto! Peeps...

People moan about money!

But just look at all the fun you can have with it!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Remembers

Whatto! Peeps...

Today in 1854 

was The Battle of Balaklava 

and to commemorate this day... 

dedicated personnel up and down the country 

will carry out fearless reenactments 

at local jewellers.
Please give generously!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Platypusii

Whatto! Naturalists...

It Swims Too!

Today I would like to touch on a small but fascinating creature.

The Platypus (Ornithorhynchus anatinus).

This is a semi-aquatic mammal endemic to eastern Australia, including Tasmania 

and a mammal which both lays eggs and produces milk.

It is therefore one of the few animals..

that can make..

...its own custard.

This explains it perfectly!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Terrorism

Whatto! Peeps...

Terrorists have already begun targetting the UK Olympic Games!

They've sent a pistol in a box to the Olympic Games organisers...

with a note inside that said... 

..."That's just for starters!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Dining in Style

Whatto! Peeps...

I'm out once again at a lovely restaurant with drinks from the bar
which have been brought to our table.

My lovely Lady wife has headed orf to the ablutions.

Leaving me to check out the Menu, full of exotic creations - which I love.

Then the wine waiter appears at my elbow, hands me another Cognac and asks me...

"Lord Noel...may I ask what Lady Jacqueline is having this evening?"

To which I reply "I'm not certain but she's been gone quite a while...

...so probably a shit."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel And The Village Fete Committee

Whatto! Peeps...

Today there were plenty of shocked faces

at the auditions for participants in next year's village fête 

as I realised far, far too late... 

that they were after a tapdancer...

...not a lapdancer.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Supporting the NHS in it's Hour of Need

Whatto! Peeps...

As you will know
thanks to the excesses of Members of Parliament
(AKA "Corrupt Spongers")
the poor old NHS is now bankrupt.

As a result of my previously successful diagnosis of many rare conditions

I have been inundated with further pleas for help from really yukky ill people
...Like this...

Dear Lord Noel

I've got a lovely can of epoxy resin in my shed

(nothing strange about that I hear you cry)

but the trouble is that from time to time

I need to use the contents of that can

for odd jobs here and there 

around the house.

My problem is
that whenever I pick up the can 

to use the said contents

it brings me out in a 
nasty rash. 

What can I do?

Please help!

Regards

Thomas Foollery

 Dear Tom

(I hope you'll allow me to call you that 
since you've taken the trouble to write to me 
and enclose some horrific photos)

Your condition is an extremely rare one

and very difficult to diagnose

UNLESS 
you are an expert like me!

For I am pleased to be able to tell you

that you are displaying all the symptoms 
of someone who is

glue-tin intolerant.

You're Welcome!

PS I had a brilliant book about Glue once 
- I just couldn't put it down

Tallyho!
-xxx-

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Being Par For The Course

Whatto! Peeps...

Now that one of my gorgeous daughters is old enough (and keen enough) to want to play golf, I took time to sit her down and tell her this true Golfing story - exactly as it happened to me...

I was on the first part of a dog leg to the twelfth hole when I hit my ball into the woods. When I went to search for my ball I found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

I was trying to get my ball back into play on the fairway but kept mishitting the ball and ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden? POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared!

She said to me, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life...  better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF!... she was gone!

After I'd recovered from the shock and checked my hip flask to see exactly how much Brandy I'd swallowed since the tee orf, I suddenly remembered my golfing partner Algie and shouted out to him, 'Algie!... where are you?'

Algie yelled back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

I immediately shouted back, 'For Goodness sake Algie! DON'T SWING!!!'

And that's how I came to enjoy a low fat diet AND discover that Mother Nature DOES exist!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks "Is Eating Cheese A Sin?"

Whatto! Peeps...

Do YOU believe in Cheeses?

I do...

I LOVE cheese

but I'm nervous 

about eating Philadelphia 

ever since it gave 

Tom Hanks AIDS

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Pop News

Whatto! Peeps...

"Dear Lord Noel, Although I really appreciate your single-handed support of the NHS by your FREE online Health Advice I also discovered that you are a fount of all Pop Music knowledge. Just wondering if you have any news you could share with us? Regards S Cowell."

"Dear Simon,

Thanks for getting in touch again (I told you that viewing figures would be low if you left the show - but did you listen? Did you COCK!) Anyway - I do happen to have a gem of news from the world of Popular Music.

Researchers have unearthed a recorded version of the popular song 'Itchycoo Park', which appears to have been produced with vocals by Michael Jackson! Tests are still being carried out to authenticate that the voice is indeed that of The King of Pop but a close aide and confidante has come forward to confirm that many times he overheard Michael saying that he'd always wanted to cover The Small Faces."

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel And A Bit About How I Manage To Stay In Such Great Shape For A Bally Pensioner

Whatto! Peeps...

The Class went ahead - even after the theft of the medicine balls

Those of you who know me well

will also know that I have a fantastically athletic 

and enormously erotic physique.

The reason for that is because I like to keep it in shape.

(Humanoid shape mainly).

But I tend to get bored very quickly
especially if I'm made to do the same old thing over and over.

That's why I enjoy new and unusual keep-fit classes so much

(as much as the next Lord anyway)

but I'm sorry to say that in my last class 

I was forced to surrender my Cargo Pants, wallet and money

when I stupidly wandered into 'Somali Pilates'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Stuffed

Whatto! Peeps...

Warning: 

In reality 

dates on a calendar 

can be much closer 

than they actually appear.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel