Lord Noel's Christmas Shopping Rules for Men

Whatto! Peeps.....

And as it's Xmas Eve..... 

A Very Merry Xmas to One and ALL!

Some of you Ladies may still be thinking about what gifts to purchase.
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
I've been sent these simple rules and apparently if you follow them....
....you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter
if he already has one. Some people own 17!
As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.
(I have one....and it's the same one I've had for years and years....
....although I often fantasise about buying a router! Mmmmmm...)

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with
the word 'ratchet' or 'socket' in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey
George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through
with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" (Sounds vaguely camp to me)

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car.
A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or dice to
hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars...
...because they are utter saddos.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he
wouldn't have invented mankinis.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they
have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV
Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips....
....until he develops RSI.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it
will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
(And Champagne and Armagnac!..
..I'm sorry but this one is complete BOLLOCKS!)

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave
or deodorant. If they stink - they are natural and earthy...
...and easier to find in the dark.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.
"Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. Wife" You get the idea.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required"
on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will have parts
left over and they will always remind him....
....of how much you hate him.

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell
him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a Xmas
hamburger?" Salmonella anyone?

Hope this helps....you total slackers!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel