Lord Noel On Things From The Mouths Of Innocents......

Whatto! kids.......

Apparently some children were asked to complete some well-known phrases........

(well-known to adults that is).......

They came up with the following:............

No news is............................impossible.
Love all, trust....................... me.
An idle mind is........................the best way to relax.
Strike while the.......................bug is close.
Better late than.......................pregnant.
A penny saved is...................... not much.
Don't change horses....................until they stop running.
A miss is as good as a ................... Mr.
Happy is the bride who......................gets all the presents.
Two's company, three's....................... the Musketeers.
Don't bite the hand that...................... looks dirty.
It’s always darkest before......................Daylight Saving Time.
There are none so blind as .................... Stevie Wonder.
Where there's smoke there's ................... pollution.
The pen is mightier than the..................... pigs.
If at first you don't succeed...................... get new batteries.
When the blind lead the blind .................... get out of the way!
Children should be seen and not ..................spanked or grounded.
You can't teach an old dog new .............. ....math.
Don't put off till tomorrow what.................... you put on to go to bed.

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Ouch! Oohh! & Aaahhh!

Whatto! Golfers..... 

I was out on the golf course the other day with a friend of mine when suddenly a stray golf ball came whizzing through the air and struck my friend at full speed............
I heard the "Whack!" and saw him clasp his hands together at his groin and immediately fall to the ground in agony.........
He was rolling around on the floor when a woman golfer rushed through some nearby bushes from a nearby tee and immediately began to apologize..............
She went straight over to my friend and said "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me"...............
He grimaced and said his through gritted teeth "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes".............
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.......
She persisted in offering to help him and he finally agreed......
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside...............
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked him, "How does that feel"?
My friend smiled and said, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacquelinewww.dresswithfinesse.co.uk
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Happy Saint Patricks Day!

Whatto! Irish people everywhere............ 

Today is a great day for getting together and having a good old laugh with like-minded people.......
And if you can amongst lots of irish people...........so much the better!
I was chatting with Padraig and Connor last night in a bar when the conversation got round to death........
Connor said that he had a special bottle of vintage Irish whiskey set aside for when he died......
.....and then he turns to Padraig and asks him......... "Would you do me the honour, as my life-long friend, of pouring this beautiful spirit that I've kept for so long over my grave once they've put me into the ground?"
Padraig replies "Connor!......I'm so touched that you should ask me to do such a beautiful thing for you........and indeed.....I'd be happy to do it for you....... my good friend!"
Connor - with tears welling up in his eyes - says "Ah thank's Padraig......... sure that really means alot to me!"
"No problem" says Padraig......... "There's just one thing Connor......"
"What's that Padraig?" says Connor.......
"Well" says Padraig........."Do you mind if I strain it through my kidneys first?"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On Fridge Notes

Whatto! couples.........

I was talking to an old aquaintance of mine the other evening on the virtues of an 'open relationship'..............

He is someone who always believes in being 'totally honest' with his wife about everything......

But I was still very surprised when he told me he had left a note stuck on the fridge door explaining to his good lady wife what his intentions were..........

(I think that when a couple are reduced to communicating via notes left on fridges then the end is nigh).......

.....but he says it suits them both as they are always so busy all of the time.......

He told me (in quite a matter of fact way) that his note had said:

"Darling, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you as a partner and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset....... I shall be home before midnight."

I bumped into him again the following evening but he didn't seem quite as happy as he had the day before.......

I asked him how his night with his secretary went......and he said it had gone "Very well..."

But he still seemed subdued.......

I asked him how his wife had taken the news........... and he handed me the note that SHE had left on the fridge door for HIM!........

"My Dearest Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.......which is of course exactly your age too! As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college and I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary......... 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of mathematics, you will see that we are both in exactly the same situation......... with one small difference..........18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!........Therefore, please don't expect me home for several days."

Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Notices New Service Offered

Whatto! Men........

Keep an eye out for this...............

It's a new service being offered by some enterprising publicans........ and I think it may well catch on!

........with any luck!



Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's American Police Quotes

Whatto! law enforcers.........

The following Police Comments were apparently taken from actual police car videos around the USA........



"Relax, the handcuffs are only tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you've worn them a while."

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
 
"If you run, you'll only go to jail very tired."
 
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's thespeed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
 
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I canwrite anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
 
"Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
 
"Your answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not ok?..... Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you goto ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "
 
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
 
"In God we trust, all others we run through the computer"
 
"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
 
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
 
"I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friendof yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

"Oh so you didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here please."



Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Insurance Claims

Whatto! motorists..............

I love reading Motor Insurance Quotes from Claim Forms......
There's always at least one that raises a giggle for me............

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.".

I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.

I collided with a stationary car coming the other way.

I consider that neither vehicle was to blame but if either were to blame it was the other one.

I left my Austin Seven outside and when I came out later to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.

My car had to turn sharper than was necessary owing to an invisible lorry.

So in order to avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.".

The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention.

The other man suddenly altered his mind so I had to run over him.

I told the other idiot what he was and went on.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.

I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.

If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.

She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.

A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.

Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward so I had to have an accident.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Newsworthy Items

Whatto! News hungry people.......

I was recently sent these excerpts from different newspaper articles which I thought I'd share with you......

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible that Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house".

(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested in Manchester for shoplifting had a whole salami inside her underwear. When asked why, she said "It's because I'm missing my Italian boyfriend".

(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. A Police spokesperson said "It's a Special Branch vehicle and we don't want the public to know what it looks like".

(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "I'm afraid that this sort of thing is all too common".

(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied "I'm sorry, but I don't have a gauge..... However, if it's any help...... the wind has just blown my Land Rover off the cliff."

( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -"He always seemed such a nice friendly chap, but in February 1946, when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn they spelt out 'Heil Hitler!' ''

( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Calls A Taxi

Whatto! Travellers..............

I happened to be in a taxi the other day and leaned over to ask the driver a question.........

.......tapping him on the shoulder........

The driver screamed!.......... lost control of the cab......... nearly hit a bus............ drove up over the curb........ stopping just inches from a large plate glass window!

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab..............

and then the still shaking driver said to me, "I'm sorry mate - you scared the daylights out of me!"

I apologised and said I didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.....

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault................ Today is my first day driving a cab............

........... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

I continued my journey in silence......determined to avoid another incident.......

But I got my own back later................

................when he asked me if I'd check whether his rear indicators were working.....

I agreed..............and peering out of the rear window as he turned them on I said.........

"Yes......No......Yes......No...........!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Quiz Time!

Whatto! Boffins.............
I wonder.............is this 'The easiest quiz in the world'?
See how you get on........

QUESTIONS:

1) Which country makes Panama hats?

2) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

10) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?


Well?..............

How did you get on?..............

Did you find it easy?...............

Time to see how many you got right!

Check your Answers below.................



ANSWERS:

1) Ecuador
2) 116 years
3) Sheep and Horses
4) November
5) Squirrel fur
6) Dogs
7) Albert
8) Crimson
9) Orange
10) New Zealand


Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel On One Up-Manship

Whatto! Car owners.........

My chauffeur was driving me through London last month when a chap in a Ford Granada pulled up next to us at some traffic lights.....................
He wound his window down and shouted across to my driver "Hey! Have you got a television in there?"
My Chauffeur replied quite truthfully "Yes, of course we do."
He smiled and said "I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." my Chauffeur replies
Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a drinks cabinet?"
"Why, actually, yes, we do." says my Chauffeur
"I do too! See? It's right here!" says the man
"Uh-huh." says my driver.....not used to receiving such attention.
The traffic light is just about to turn green and the chap in the Granada shouts, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
To which my driver replies smiling, "Why Yes! ...........Don't you?"
The light turns and the man in the Granada drives away without replying......but I could see by the look on his face that he was unable to match this final invented 'installation'..........
About two weeks later, we were driving down the same stretch of road after I'd received a particularly nasty soaking in our wonderful English rain.........
....so I was sitting in the back with the heater on trying to dry myself out.......
The windows in the back were steamed up so I couldn't see a thing............... but lo and behold......the same Ford Granada pulls up beside us and toots his horn a couple of times.....
My Chauffeur finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.........
The chap in the Granada calls across, "Hey!....... Remember me?"
"Yes, yes, how could we forget?............ What do you want?"
"Check this out......." the Granada driver shouts with a broad smile "I got a double bed installed in my Granada!"
To which my Chauffeur swiftly retorted, "YOU GOT LORD NOEL OUT OF THE JACUZZI TO TELL HIM THAT?!"

Tallyho!
Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel's Holiday Time!

What ho! everyone...........

Around this time of year my mind always drifts orf to the idea of having a lovely "Holiday!".........
I'm always interested in exploring new continents and countries I've never been to before.....
.....and in an effort to increase tourism in Kazakhstan (the country made infamous by the wonderful Borat)..............


........Kazakhstan officials have begun publicising their adventure holiday range to get people to visit and appreciate all the natural wonders they feel they have to offer...............
The setting is against the mountainous region of Braukbarak where you can hire horses, mules or even an ass to take a trail through this wonderful mountain scenery. Up there they have rare insects which include a beetle that famously spends most of it's time on it's back.....
For the more adventurous tourist there's a wide range of camping facilities with different sized tents. There's also a chance for the more active traveller to help the local farmers with crop planting on their steep mountain terraces..........
For fun in the evening they also take advantage of the clear night skies by offering astronomy classes but for the more 'macho' traveller there's a chance to take part in a prestigious strength competition that is held regularly in a converted clothing factory.............
.......And of course there's sea kayaking with a chance to discover the famous coastal caves and tunnels along the Farge coastline. The Home office has not yet lifted it's warning to tourists visiting the region due to the random attacks from thieves that roam the Bahm valley area preying on lone tourists................
.........so Kazakhstan still has a way to go to become the 'ideal' destination.
But in the face of mounting criticism....... the Kazakhstan Tourist Board has continued to promote the area with the following press release:

"Have you interest in getting back to naturals with other menfolks?..... then best place for to come is Braukbarak Mountain! Here you can make camp with friends who are happy to help you with sticking up your tent pole and you can ride your ass off in wide open airs. We also invite you watch our famous 'back skuttlers' mating in bushes or maybe you chose to get busy doing uphill gardenings with our local peoples!..... They love it! In evenings you can make nice time with experts to help you look at Uranus or maybe you will take part in traditional shirt-lifting contest with other strong mens!? If you wish you can just get out your big canoe and stick it into our Farge Tunnels? We are bendings backwards to be makings your holiday fun! And please don't worry about thief who lives in hills! - we give you protections for these Bahm Bandits!! ...........
Kazakhstan! You will to come!?"


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse