Companies feel the pinch

Whatto! Wage earners.........

The recent downturn in our economy has prompted several firms to take urgent action to try to safeguard themselves against further losses.......

I was recently sent the following notification that a friend of mine had received whilst at work and it goes to show the lengths that some companies will go to in this area......

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NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary - that way

a) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a rise

b) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a rise

c) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a rise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They will be known as Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in each of the stalls.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed to someone who cares.

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Tallyho!

Best wishes - Lord Noel