Lord Noel's Geek Helpline

Whatto! Pepys....

My online Karate classes cost me a fortune!

In an effort to assist humanity I am posting a correspondence between myself and a class of person I have come to love and admire from a distance - commonly known as a 'Geek'.
Enjoy!

"Dear Lord Noel, 
I really want to get a girlfriend but I think the fact that I work in a pet shop may be putting them off. My Mum says I should try telling them that I work in a job that suggests I am embroiled in a world of intrigue and excitement.
So I immediately thought of IT! 
Do you think this would be my best ploy?
I do know a reasonable amount about computers and am on a very high level on 'Candy Crush'. 
Yours
Raymond Stutterford (Mr)
Aged 47"


"My dearest Raymondo,
I couldn't help being drawn to your letter. I'm not sure if it was the fascinating manilla colour scheme or the strong smell of rabbits that aroused my attention.... nevertheless here I am at your disposal!
IT can certainly seem like a fascinating employment to the uninitiated person or 'Geek'...
...but I think most women would find it a bit of a 'turn off'
However.....
....there may be a small group of potential female admirers who....
....whilst initially turned off...
...might be turned on again!
So IT could work!
Good Luck!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On Relationship Longevity

Whatto! Pepys....

I often tell people that my wife and I go back a long way....

.... but what I really mean is....

....we've both got big bottoms.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Succinctness

Whatto! Pepys....

Someone recently reminded me that a diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will actually look forward to the trip. It made me think about many other professions and how they each could be described more succinctly......

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.(Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat, which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Films

Whatto! Pepys...

As a gorgeously groomed font of untapped knowledgeabilty I'm often asked for my opinion on many things.
I was recently asked by a very pleasant young lady "Lord Noel - which are your favourite bits of films?"
To which I rapidly replied "Young Lady my favourite bits of films are the setup, the new situation, the progress, the complications and higher stakes, the final push and the aftermath!"
She then said "No.... I meant to eat!"
I immediately left the Hospital.




Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Gardening Advice

Whatto! Pepys....

As Autumn really kicks in I find that it's nice to reflect back over the year at the amazing amount of produce that the humble garden can provide for us which is both wholesome, organic and full of fresh flavour.
As my time on Earth has increased (and I move closer to becoming useful as compost) I have become more enamoured with gardening as a rewarding past time and theraputic endeavour.
As Corporations and megastores take more and more control of our lives, the neglected hobby of gardening for self-sufficiency can nowadays almost be regarded as a Revolutionary Act!
I take full control of the gardening areas here at Virtual Manor as Lady Jacqueline has no real interest in this particular outdoor pursuit, preferring instead to spend her time crushing candy indoors.
I have heard that some men are cajolled and indeed ordered by their partners to attend to the garden!
This is a very sorry state of affairs!
I even know of one man who's wife recently told him to plant some trees where he had previously decided to grow vegetables!
In my unusually humble opinion, Men who are bullied into cultivating an orchard really need to grow a pear.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Don't Cry"

Whatto! Pepys...

When I was younger I suddenly burst into tears when I saw a squashed hedgehog on the road and my Pappa would tell the chauffeur to stop the car so I could get out and retrieve it for my vivisection studies. Pappa slapped me hard across the face and said "There's a well known phrase which says this: There's no use crying over spilt milk -! Do you know what this means?
"I think" I began "That it probably refers to skimmed milk in particular because skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it?"
"Very good!" said Pappa and he gave me a crisp £50 note.
That was a salatory lesson for me as a young child and put me in good stead for my life as a well balanced adult performing on the fringes of privileged Society.
The other day I was enjoying a very rare experience of riding on an omnibus when I noticed in the drivers rear view mirror that he was weeping softly into his cash tray.
I immediately remembered the lesson I had been taught by my Pappa and, as it was also my stop, I got up and went to speak to the driver. I paused as I passed him and stooped to touch the back of his hand with mine and stroke his ear gently for a moment.
Then I offered him this advice from the central part of my aeorta.
"Don't cry because it's over" I said, toying with his prominent chin and adam's apple "smile because for a few blissful miles they all actually believed you were their real bus driver."
I gave him a crisp £50 note and alighted the bus with a cheery wave.
You should have seen the smile on his face!




Make someone's day today!


Tallyho!


Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Oral Hygeine

Whatto! Pepys...


I recently heard that some people are still eating their Toblerone!
I'm on my Toblerfive!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
 

Lord Noel's Free Advice Time

Whatto! Pepys...

Yes it's that time again!
Free advice from ME to YOU (the General Public) on matters that may be concerning your pretty little heads.
Co-incidentally I recently received this desperate email to which I attributed my full attention:

"Dear Lord Noel 
I recently woke up in a field with amnesia, covered in cow shit with my clothing full of straw!
My breath stank badly and all the muscles in my body ached like Hell!
I vaguely remember a tremendously blinding flash - but that's about it.
What the f%%k is going on?
from General Public (HM Armed Forces)"


"Dear General,
Thank you for your question which has received my full attention.
Here is my expert opinion about your predicament:
I believe that if you woke up in a field in the circumstances you described (with amnesia, covered in straw and cow shit) it can only mean ONE thing!
Congratulations! 
You’re probably a scarecrow who's magically come to life!
This calls for a celebration!
Pass me the Jesus Juice!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes 
Lord Noel"

Lord Noel Asks "Are You A Dog?"

Whatto! Pepys...

Are you someone who sometimes wonders if you are a dog?
Are you REALLY a DOG?

To find out if you ARE - Try this quiz!


Lord Noel's Celebrated Dog Quiz!


1: Do you want to know who's a good Dog?
2. DO YOU?
3. Who's a good Dog then? 
4: Who is it? 
5: Is it you? 
6: IS IT? 
7. ARE YOU A GOOD DOG THEN?
8  ARE YOU?
9. You ARE aren't you?
10. YEEEESSSSSSSSSSS YOU ARE! 


Scores:

If you responded to this quiz with 2 or fewer "Woof"s you are definitely NOT a Dog.
If you Woofed more than three times or felt that you wanted to stick your tongue out and start panting.... YOU ARE INDEED A DOG!


Now.....
Would you like a treat?
Would you?
Have you been good then?
Have You?


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On New Technology

Whatto! Pepys....

I Love new developments and that's why I'm getting very excited about a product I've been told about that seems to have everyone's pulses racing!

Here are just SOME of it's unique selling features:

• Individual Digital Navigation
• Full Range Sunlight viewable display
• Infinite battery life
• Totally reliable offline mode
• Guaranteed NEVER to crash!
• Durable shockproof casing
• Multi-format compatibility
• 24 hour Capability for receiving additional owner annotations
• 3D Aspects
• Available with Vivid colour graphics
• High Level Tactility
• NO Electronic Parts!

 It's called....


a Book!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On James Brown

Whatto! Pepys....

The wonderfully talented Mr James Brown who is pictured above during a particularly nasty 'bad hair day' (presumably having spent a little too much time taking it to the bridge) was an artist who, with consumate skill, was able to create whole songs from the simple things of life that other mere mortals would struggle to derive any kind of inspiration from.
For instance; Lady Jacqueline recently returned from a shopping trip to the big city having bought a brand new bag...
...but I never made a song and dance about it.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel plays Bonopoly

Whatto! Peeps....

Last night we played a game of 'Bonopoly'....

It's like Monopoly but where the streets have no name

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Talks Politics

Whatto! Pepys...

Here in the Uk we have just had our local elections.
I wanted the Green party to win some seats because they say that they will look after the planet and make it nice.... and they did! (win some seats)
Lady Jacqueline thinks they will be like every other Political Party before them and introduce masses of Green taxes that we will all have to pay -  for all the bad stuff us humans keep doing to the Earth.
Meanwhile a growing number of people here in the Uk seemed to prefer the Manifesto of rascism.

It seems that our veneer of civilisation is flimsy, that it can be removed so quickly.

The xenophobic Manifesto is an all too familiar one...

...because it focuses people's attention on a previously unrecognised enemy.

A Scapegoat...

...unable to protect itself...

Focusing on the fact that this 'stranger' is somehow different from us.....
...either by their choice of language or their choice of religion....
(conveniently forgetting that both are usually an accident of birth)
...or even focussing on the strange way they choose to dress themselves.

Manifesting itself in full on hatred towards any struggling foreigner, working here on a minimum wage and trying to make enough money to survive....
....Foreigners who are clearly hiding behind the cunning facade of being a willing worker - an obvious threat to everything British.
They are so different from us!
They do things that we would NEVER do!

But that is precisely why our Society, and our World is enriched by our diversity.
We fool ourselves that we have a collective consciousness which makes us all 'normal'...
...and makes 'them' somehow different to us.

Politicians spout rhetoric, as if everyone in Britain shares the same twisted beliefs as them....
... and pretty soon.....they do.

England football team giving the Nazi salute

It's somehow easier to believe that all our Economic and Social problems stem from a foreigner trying to make a better life for themselves and their family....

....than from a bunch of Bankers who demand to be continually bailed out with endless supplies of our money.

Trying to appeal to people's prejudice is a cop out....
...it's a cheap an cynical trick...
...aimed at attracting the lowest denomination of intelligence...
....and it's far, far too easy!
Much easier than addressing the real issues....
... and opening our hearts to the struggles of all the people in the World...
... and showing them some LOVE.

....and so the tide changes....
....and hate is directed towards those who can least defend themselves...
...and Politicians ride on the back of the wave of popularity that affords them new power to exploit.
And HATE flourishes....
It becomes the acceptable face of Britain...
...a new product of Society to be enjoyed by all.

Can we learn nothing from past experiences?
Can we not see the dead end that leads us on towards hating each other?
Because where HATE flourishes.... LOVE struggles to survive....
... and I know which I'd rather have.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes & Love - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Local News

Whatto! Pepys...
Lord Noel here!

People often say to me "Lord Noel - How do you manage to live without a TV?"....
But they are usually mixing me up with someone else.....
..... like Nicholas Cage or Richard E Grant...
...both of whom have personally advised me of their hatred for the small screen.
(Or maybe it's just because of the lifelike tattoo I have over my abdomen of Mr Cage?)
I do look at the old gogglebox from time to time....
....but the time I spend watching it has increasingly decreased.
I must admit that I have a darker desire, that has to expressed in the open air amongst other pleasure seeking adults...
...and also to having a secret delight when coming across a fresh newspaper advertising sign....
...although I am, of course, unable to speak further of this - due to the impending Court Case.

So instead, here, for your delectation and delight is a "Selection from my Collection" which I trust you will enjoy - to the full.

Sometimes I wonder whether they think we don't read them at all!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On TV

Whatto! Pepys....

In these days of uncertainty and worry, if I ever want to feel reassured and comforted...
...I always put on our National News Network - The BBC.
It's tried and tested and respected the World over as a purveyor of British opinion...
...and it helps to reassure me that all is well.
I would never, for instance expect to see anything like this on the BBC...

Because I need to remain convined that 250,000 civilians in Iraq lost their lives when GB joined America is a massive bombing campaign because the Evil Saddam Hussein had lots of weapons of mass destruction which somehow we haven't managed to find yet.
Neither would I expect my daily contentment to become unbalanced in any way by my beloved TV Channel chosing to interview someone with a dubiously disgusting name....
That's why you would NEVER find The British Broadcasting Company featuring people like this!...

Well? I ask BFM TV - Did your feature with 'General Arse Biscuites' help to 'clear the air'?

or this....

Well? 2 TV - Was everything that 'Mike Litoris' had to say 'on the button'?

or this....

Well? Unidentified TV station - Did your piece with 'Willie Stroker' give your audience satisfaction?

or this...

Well? Local News 7 - Was this really necessary?

No! It most definitely WAS NOT!

I want my TV Station to constantly reassure me that my life is perfectly 'Normal' and that everything is the way it should be.

If standards are allowed to slip to the standards allowed by these other inferior TV Companies then who knows what might happen?

We may even begin to discover the truth! 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Modern Women

Whatto! Pepys...

We all like to reinvent ourselves, taking into account our new-found knowledge or inderstanding of the changes within Society that have influenced our development. And Western Women are very familiar with this process, which helps them to define the new 'me'.


She is not HORNY,


She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.



She is not a SLUT,

She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.



She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE,

She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.



She does not have THIN LIPS,

She is COLLAGEN DEFICIENT.



She is not a BAD COOK,

She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.



She is not HALF NAKED,

She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.



She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY,

She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.



She is not CONCEITED,

She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.



She does not want to be MARRIED,

She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.



She does not GAIN WEIGHT,

She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.



She is not a SCREAMER,

She is VOCALLY ACTIVE.



She is not EASY,

She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.



She does not TEASE or FLIRT,

She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.



She in not DUMB,

She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.



She is not TOO SKINNY,

She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.



She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE,

She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.



She does not HATE SPORTS,

She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.



She has not BEEN AROUND,

She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.



She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME,

She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.



She does not GET YOU EXCITED,

She causes TEMPORARAY BLOOD RELOCATION.



She is not KINKY,

She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.



She does not have a KILLER BODY,

She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.



She does not GO SHOPPING,

She is MALL FLUENT.



She is not an AIRHEAD,

She is REALITY IMPAIRED.



She does not get DRUNK,

She gets CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED.



She does not get FAT,

She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.



She is not FRIGID,

She is TERMINALLY INACCESSIBLE.



She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP,

She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.



She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS,

She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.



She does not NAG YOU,

She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.



She is not LOOSE,

She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.



She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS,

She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.



Tallyho!   Best Orwellian Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Helps Others

Whatto! Pepys....

Michael Who?...

I recently announced my return to the UKland following my extended soiree in the far east....
....and I should have realised that it would begin an avalanche of mail from Help Seeking Locals.
As I have selflessly dedicated myself to helping others I find myself compelled to assist my new-found friend...
...and reproduce their correspondence with me below for your perusal.


"Hi Lord Noel,
I heard that you had recently returned to the UK and I wondered if you could assist me?
Recently I spent a not inconsiderable amount of money safeguarding a prominant advertising location within the confines of the window of our Local Post Office....
.... but, to date, I have received NO replies!
I know that your readership consists mainly of discerning, sophisticated adults and I wondered if you could help me reach that demographic audience by reproducing my advertisement campaign within you illustrious blog pages?
Ps. Do you happen to know the current address of  Deborah Meaden?
Yours sincerely
Michael Again"

 

"Dearest Michael,
Our success rate in situations like this is unparalleled....
...mainly because it is unquantified....
...but I gain a perverse pleasure in assisting a needy local, like yourself, to achieve one of their self proclaimed 'lifetime ambitions'.
Thank you for your letter - from which I was able to ascertain your current postal address.
Any further contact will, of course, have to be made via my Solicitor because of the Restraining Order I was forced to take out when I found you hiding in my garden hedge with a digital camera and my name tatooed across you forehead in blood.
I trust you will understand
Tallyho!
Best Wishes
Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On War On Words

Whatto! Pepys....

Tony 'Satan' Blair feeling very at home

Hands up all those people who believe what their Government tells them?!
Okay....... still a few...... but not many......
Well, you extremely trusting people...
Do you remember when your Government declared "War on Drugs!"?
I expected the Army to at least nuke a couple of cannabis farms...
...but no.
Instead we invaded Afghanistan and helped the poor, undernourished and terrified farmers to grow a new cash crop!
Heroin!
Yum!
Now Afghanistan has become the largest producer of Heroin in the World!
The "War on Drugs!" is declared a success!
But the fleeting success soon left a growing feeling of emptiness inside the people who made the weapons....
With the "War on Drugs!" over, how could they continue to increase weapon's sales?
They needed another Noun to declare War on!
And, to the rescue of Warmongers everywhere came the wonderfully abstract Campaign creatively entitled "War On Terror!"
'Terror' the Noun that was perceived to be potentially everywhere and/or potentially everyone by the powers that be....
and from which we, the public, could be protected if we would simply back our Government's idea of declaring War against it.
You'll notice that Diplomats have been made redundant by this process?
We no longer 'chat' about Drugs or 'have a discussion' about Terrorism....
...we go straight to 'Go'!...... whilst still passing the "collect 16 zillion dollars" square
(thoughtfully put in place by the wealthy Munitions manufacturers)
And how successful has our "War on Terror!" been exactly?
Well? Do you feel any safer?
Of course you do!
No, neither do I.
There seems to be more bloodshed now than at any time before the "War on Terror!" started....
...with many more innocent civilian casualties....
...and many more Countries being destabilised by armed militia...
...desperate to spread their own version of 'Democracy'....
...Militia who somehow always manage to get hold of machine guns and a Bazooka with useable ammunition...
...even though they apparently live under a tree in a hole up a mountain somewhere!
Come on!
How would even an experienced company like Amazon manage to deliver to somewhere that doesn't even have a proper address?
And they've got Drones!
I live in a First World country and no matter how hard I try (on a scale of 1 to 10 it's probably minus 6) I've never managed to get hold of a working machine gun or Bazooka with ammo!
How the hell does a lowly shepherd, living on a diet of old mutton, manage to attain such equipment?
Do I smell the unbelieveably callous stench of a "greedy profits at any cost" munitions Company?
I think I do.
They are making a stinking great Profit People!
That's the "Free Market" at work!
So why aren't I getting a piece of the action?
Well..... I have given this dilemma a great deal of consideration...
...and with Profiteering in the forefront of my mind I would like to suggest and wholeheartedly support our next Government Funded "Campaign"...
...which I think should be entitled "War on Nature!"
(I was going to go with "War on Weather!" but I believe our Governments have already begun that War without our consent - so expect bloody awful weather for the foreseeable future)
No!....My idea of a "War on Nature!" has been carefully considered based on past events...
If it pans out the way every other Campaign has, we will absolutely saturated in "Nature" in no time!
Result!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Wurst Euro Win

Whatto! Pepys....

Well good old Eurovision!
Just as I was going on about it's predictabilty and outmodedness I watched the show and was pleasantly surprised by the improvements that have been made since I last watched.
The concert-like set-up helped to raise energy levels nicely and the scoring was made easier to handle by counting public phone-ins and cutting down the point system to allow only the remaining three top point allocations to be made.
There were plenty of tongues in cheeks but several of the songs seemed like they would be quite comfortable on a credible album release.
The old Political rivalries raised their ugly mugs and got rightly booed by the crowd of joyous revellers who could see straight through the cynical motivations.
There were predictable Europop entries amongst the offerings but the show managed to create a totally unexpected surprise once more in the shape of an elegantly bearded lady from Austria who went on to win comfortably.
Is this a sign that shock tactics work well on a show like this where exposure is limited and the three minutes available to make an impact have to be exploited to the full?
Gone are the days of BucksFizz where pulling off a skirt was enough to cause controversy.
And, despite the fact that I don't think the winning song was the strongest one on offer (it reminded me of a rejected James Bond theme song), I can clearly see why the Austrian win was so popular.
Having returned from the far East where androgeny is an accepted facet of human behaviour, it surprises me that it nevertheless still has the capacity to fascinate and enthrall the rest of the developed world.
Making the shift from male to female is difficult enough for any westerner but refusing to lose the beard takes the challenge to a whole new level.
I was reminded of several other bearded icons as Ms Wurst was performing...
... shades of Russell Brand were coming through......

Conchita celebrates her Eurovision win!

... and I even fancied that I had perhaps glimpsed the second coming of a Christ God......
.....or was it a Goddess?

Maybe this time s/he would be accepted and not nailed to a cross?
....and even allowed into America?
But my mind also reminded me of the vintage popularity of the old circus side-show tents where people would flock to pay their money to catch a glimpse of the 'freaks' who had come to town....one of which was usually the ubiquitous 'bearded lady'.
And I found myself wondering...
....have we really come so far after all?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Europop

Whatto! Pepys...

For some time now, my interest in the Eurovision Song Contest has been sadly lacking.
I have been away in the far east since January and have been enjoying the music there instead.
Now I have returned and am searching for some good quality European music to emerse myself into.
The Eurovision song contest is not somewhere I expect to find any inspiration.... even though, on the face of it - it appears to be the perfect vehicle for new and innovative world music.
Maybe it's because of the obvious, mechanical, trite, vaccuous attempts at making instant hits?
Maybe its because I know that all the best music in the world steers clear of competitions like this.
Maybe it's because all the previous winners music were tunes I can only describe as aural pollution.
However, if I was kidnapped and tied to a chair naked and forced to reveal one selected choice of song from the Eurovision contest that I could invest any semblance of emotional feeling into it would have to be this beauty from Finland.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAh9NRGNhUU

I gather the finals are being completed tonight for Englands entry.
I can only hope it has something approaching this songs energy levels.
The Band's name may have had some influence on my final decision too!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel