Lord Noel Gets Hammered

Whatto! Pepys...

As today is Guy Fawkes Day I thought I would reproduce for you (in full) this lovely letter I received from a lovely Carpenter...

"Dearest Lordy Noel

I am a Carpenter.
At Easter (when another famous Carpenter was nailed to a cross) I found myself thinking of the well known Carpenter's song which includes those infamous lyrics "Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?"

Is it really just because I put bird seed in their pockets?

Yours woodenly
M.C. Hammer"



"Dearly beloved M,

We are gathered here today to answer your underlying question.
You know... the one you wanted to ask...but didn't actually ask?
Well in answer to that particular question...
To get your porn star name, take the number of times you've had sex in the past week and then you suddenly realise you're not a porn star at all, are you?
And in answer to the second underlying question that you wanted to ask but didn't... by far the best way to start any Health and Safety demonstration is to leap to your feet and suddenly shout out loud.... 
"JUST DO AS I SAY AND NOBODY GETS HURT!" 

You're welcome

ps. I understand that before you became a carpenter you used to work in a museum where you were a bit over protective of all the exhibits? Your main preoccupation being to tell all the visitors "You can't touch this!"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel"