Lord Noel Helps Out

What ho! Pepys...

Tomorrow night is the last day of the Calendar year.
My good Lady wife and I shall be frequenting our local Taverna where they will be providing some top notch talent to see in the New Year to.
You too may be hitting the tiles to Celebrate with some friends.
Wouldn't it be awful if some ugly person started hitting on you whilst you were trying to enjoy yourself?
Wouldn't it be great if you only had some devastating one-liners to totally destroy that person so you could get on with enjoying your night in peace?
Well now you can!
Here are a collection of one-liners which will have you Partying with your friends - unencumbered by any drunken letch that may take a shine to you!

Lord Noel's New Years Eve Put Downs

It's been lovely talking to you but why don't you go down to the library now and brush up on your ignorance?


I know you must have seen me and thought I was too good for you but you obviously changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

You seem to me like someone who has an inferiority complex -- and for once it's fully justified.

Having met you - you're not as bad as people say -- you are far worse!

Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison your drink.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Who am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What was your name again?

Why not take a vacation? ...go to Club Dead.

Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.

You are certainly as strong as an ox but not quite as intelligent.

You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.

You're beginning to grow on me -- like a wart!

You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.

You seem like someone who's down to earth, just not quite far down enough.

Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

I can see you're nobody's fool, but maybe one day someone will adopt you.

You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.

You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet!!

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I would like the pleasure of your company, but so far I'm only getting displeasure.

You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.

At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.

If you ever taxed your brain, it wouldn't cost you anything.

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull?

What's the latest dope -- besides you?

I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a blur.

You clearly don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.

Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for some dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.

If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.

I really admire you. Personally I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.

You have a face only a mother could love -- to spank!

They say opposites attract. So I hope one day you'll meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

  Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel