Lord Noel Checks This Out

What ho! Pepys,,,

I went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

I watched the game in astonishment for a while.

then exclaimed "I can hardly believe my eyes!....

...That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," my friend replied. 

"Out of the five games we've played so far - he's only won two!" 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel as The New Boss

What ho! Pepys...

When I was the boss of a small Consultancy Business I became concerned that some of my employees weren't showing me enough respect.

So I decided to try the old fashioned method of persuasion.

I brought in my Certificates of Lordship and my Batchelor of Arts (Hons) Degree and also my 50  yards swimming certificate (in pyjamas retrieving a brick!) and pined them up on my office wall....

...no-one could fail to be impressed with such credentials!

I also brought in a large sign that said “Warning. I’m the Boss” and taped it to my office door.

I felt that now there was no doubt of my skills, the entire workforce would be eating out of my hand in no time.

I went orf for lunch at a nearby pub but when I returned I noticed that someone had been in my office and left a note on my desk which read.....

“Lady Jacqueline rang. She says she wants her sign back!”

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel gives Lessons on The Demon Drink

Whatto! Peeps..

My good Lady wife asked me if I could show my young nephew the evils of alcohol. 

So I took him over to our own personal bar to carry out an experiment...

I put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whisky. 

Then I told him to keep his eyes on the two glasses.

After a few minutes it was clear that the worm in the water lived....

...whilst the one in the whisky had curled up and died. 

'All right,' I asked him, 'what does that show you?' 

'Well, Lord Noel' he said with great consideration...

'it shows that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms.'

I considered this to be a successful outcome. 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Winner!

What ho! Pepys...

As someone who loves the excitement of competitiveness

Today I'm feeling quite flushed!

because I've finally managed to get something out of my system. 

I've entered a competition on the Armitage Shanks website. 

As I now see it...I'm in

a Win Loos situation.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Theft

What ho! Employers...

My gardener came indoors to get some water 

and when I checked later...

I found that the door to my office was open. 

I checked the room...

and noticed my thesaurus was missing.

So I went outside...

and accused him of stealing it. 

He told me..

he was innocent, blameless, guilt-free 

and above suspicion.

So clearly it wasn't him

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gives A Warning

Whatto! Peeps...

Warning:

The Complete Works of Roger Hargreaves 

contains Mr. Strong language.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Extraordinary Inventor

Whatto! Peeps...

Those of you who know me  well...

will also know that not only am I a keen inventor...
but I'm also someone who loves to read...

AND

look smart and elegant!

So it's very fortunate that I've just created some trousers 

with a massive fold of material at the bottom of one leg 

so I can carry my reading material with me anywhere I go!...

AND

Look Great too!

That's what I call...

...a turn up for the books!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Why Antique's Roadshow Should Be Immediately Banned NOW!

What ho! Pepys...

"Dear Lord Noel...

I wonder if you can help?

I recently appeared on the Antiques Roadshow 

and the expert told me "It's totally worthless" 

but then he went on to explain 

that he didn't mean my antique...

...he meant my entire existence.

Yours longingly

Clint Torus"

"Dear Clint...

You raise an interesting point...

...which I will address indirectly... 

by asking you this question...

Why hasn't anyone dug right down to the Earth's core? 

Maybe it's full of pips which can be planted 

to grow new planets?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Talks All About YOU!

What ho! Pepys...

You are the end-point of your own genes' evolution. You are the descendant of survivors, each of whom bred successfully and never once failed – for 3.5 billion years!

Think about that for a moment. In a world in which, for very many individuals, an early death and failure to breed were by far the most likely outcome, not one single one of your ancestors failed to produce at least one offspring. If they had failed, your gene-line would have ended there and then.

You are the product of billions of passes through the sieve of selection and at every pass your gene-line passed the fitness test. You are good at surviving; and you are unique in the history of the cosmos. The likelihood of you being alive at all is almost vanishingly small and yet here you are. Never before has anyone with your individual combination of genes, your individual collection of atoms and your history existed.

And you never will again.

Your ancestors were there when Europe and Africa split off from the Americas. They were there as small mammal-like reptiles when dinosaurs ruled the earth. They saw pterodactyls flying overhead. They survived the mass-extinction which ended the dinosaurs reign.

Your ancestors swam in the pre-Cambrian seas and crawled out onto the land as early air-breathing fish destined to become land-based animals. Your ancestors lived through the Carboniferous era when dense forests of tree ferns grew in steaming jungles where dragonflies with meter-wide wings flew. The trees then fell and formed the deposits destined to be coal as the climate changed. They saw the first flowering plants as plants and insects formed their mutual-benefit society. Your ancestors lived through the first great toxic waste disaster when the blue-green algae produced oxygen and triggered a mass extinction; and they learned to turn it to their advantage by evolving aerobic respiration.

Your ancestors were bacteria; they were arcae; they may have been the strange edicarans which were the earliest known multi-cellular organisms. In almost every one of your cells, in your genes, you carry a record of your evolution, of the entire human evolution story, and of a great deal of the evolution story of every other living thing.

Your journey through space and time has been an adventure of disasters, adaptation, survival and recovery, many, many time you will have been on the brink of extinction - the fate of 99% of all known ancient species - yet your ancestors survived and because they were good at surviving you are here and now.

You will live for a mere flash in the time-scale of the universe but in the vast darkness of the cosmos there can surely be few flashes as bright as your bright spark of consciousness.

Be proud. Be very proud. But at the same time be humbled by the enormity of the events which produced you and the fragility of it all.

Stars died and because they died, you live. You are made by stars out of stardust and in a very real sense, because you are made of the same stuff the universe is made of and are a part of it, there is something even more wonderful about you. Through you, though not just through you, and maybe not just here on this small planet, the universe has gained self awareness and can begin to understand itself. Through you it can stand on the surface of this beautiful little jewel in the cosmos, can look up in awe at itself and think “Wow!”
You’re special. You are unique and you were nearly 14 billion years in the making.

That’s your story. Enjoy it while it lasts.

And please bear in mind also that every other human being; every mammal; every bird, insect, spider, fish, or worm; every plant; indeed, every other living thing, has made the same journey you have made. Each is unique and the descendant of survivors. Each has an unbroken gene-line going right back to the first replicator. They are your relatives. Like you they are part of the whole web of interdependent things we call life on earth.

To end their life will end their gene-line for the first and only time in the history of the universe. Something which has taken nearly 14 billion years to produce and 3.5 billion years to perfect will have been extinguished forever.

Each of them is worthy of respect and each of them deserves the one opportunity to experience life that chance has given them.

Life is rare, precious and wonderful.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Taxing Letter

What ho! Pepys.....

I was recently contacted by the Inland Revenue....
....here is their response to a letter I'd sent them: 

"Dear Lord Noel, 

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. 
However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. 

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin” or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point. 
Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system." 

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable. 

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. 

Please forward it by Friday. 

Yours Sincerely, 

H J Lee 

Customer Relations"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Payrenting

What ho! Pepys..

Cynthia was the shyer of the two...preferring to hide coyly behind her Nanny's Coat tail

Have you lost two very hairy children?

If so...You should be ashamed!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Strategy for Living

What ho! Pepys...

Conquer the angry by love.

Conquer the ill-natured by goodness.

Conquer the miser with generosity.

Conquer the liar with truth.

The Dhammapada

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Ye Noybel Arte Of Bilding

What ho! Pepys...

Where'd'ya want the bleedin' new door again?

 We needed a builder to give us an estimate for some building work. You can imagine our delight when this Professional Artisan arrived to grace us with his presence.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's - Tips for Old People

What ho! Pepys.....

Although he had the most interesting hat, Brian was far less fun when he died.

A number of old people (3 of whom are still almost alive) have contacted me for advice on how to survive in this busy and violent modern world. They say things like "Lord noel...I'd like to know....now what was it?.....Hold on....I'll think of it....Ooooh I had it then....oooooh what's that over there?", so here are my:

Top Tips for Old People.

1.  To save your money why not promise to ring people at specific times of the day and then don't bother? They will then ring YOU to find out what is wrong and you can then have the conversation at their expense!

2. Try ringing Insurance companies on their freephone numbers to tell them that your roof has blown off. You will then be able to have a nice long chat over a cup of tea with a very helpful young operative before signing off with "I'm sorry I was mistaken."

3. You can easily improve the quality of your junkmail by filling in any questionaires you get sent and ticking the 'Income' box for 'Over£60,000' .

4. Why not save money on all that constant wear and tear on your front door hinges by only opening the door a tiny amount?

5. To 'waste not want not' just keep a handy roll of sellotape next to the toilet so you can stick back any extra squares of loo roll you tear off by mistake.

You're Welcome!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Music Related Question

What ho! Pepys....

The following musicians are no longer with us.

But what fact have all got in common

?

Jim Morrison from The Doors

Brian Jones from The Rolling Stones

Janis Joplin from Big brother and the Holding Company

Kurt Cobain from Nirvana

Jimi Hendrix from The Experience

Pete Ham from Badfinger

Richey James Edwards from Manic Street preachers

and Ronald 'Pigpen' McKernan from Greateful Dead

?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Kerpowed

What ho! Pepys...

I was at a facinating Fancy Dress party recently

and I became engaged in an interesting conversation 

about the English language...

...with, of all people, Batman!

But it all ended horribly when I asked him "What's onomotapoiea?"

..and he just hit me repeatedly.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Lives in a United World

What ho! Pepys...

If you - like me - were hoping for World Peace this Yuletide....

...then these pictures will be a welcome sight...

..and I don't care if they're all kissing...

...just to get some free clothes!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Cyril

What ho! Pepys...

Despite his increased medication, Cyril again began to hear those same voices again

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Dials A Vary Rong Numba

Whatto! Peeps...

When I was using the phone today

I must have totally miss dialed

because an answerphone message suddenly said

"Welcome to the South African porn hotline....

...Press nine four six"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Revitalises Ye Olde Jokette

What ho! Pepys...

There now follows a joke in support of Animal Lovers everywhere.

A horse walks into a bar... 

...and the barman says, "Why the long face?" 

The horse replies "I've just killed your wife with my cock."

(The Barman cries).

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Tips for Drivers who always get lost

Whatto! Peeps...

When we are out travelling in the car I like to let my Chauffeur drive...
...that way I can make the most of the cocktail cabinet and DVD's in the rear.
But having seen someone driving so expertly I feel that I am now in a very good position to advise others...
...so I have come up with the following invaluable Tip:
When out driving always try to turn left, that way if you get lost, you can find your way home by simply reversing the process.

You're welcome

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's New Phone

Whatto! Peeps...

Wanting to improve my phone 

but not being sure of what model to go for

I rang my very good friend Sean Connery 

to find out what phone he has. 

I think he must have been busy 

because he said 

"Lord Noel why yes..

..I'll just check...

..Aha! I've got an erection"
(I just hung up)

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline Attend A Fancy Dress Ball

What ho! Pepys...

As she danced Lady Jacqueline looked distinctly trigger happy

I'm currently with Lady Jacqueline...

at the Reverend Green's glamourous Fancy Dress birthday party.

It's being held in his newly-decorated ballroom. 

As a birthday gift I've bought him a candlestick. 

What could possibly go wrong?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel And The Half Lettuce

What ho! Pepys...

I was in our local supermarket yesterday and I asked one of the assistants if they had half a head of lettuce I could buy.

A very young produce assistant told me that they sell only whole heads of lettuce but I persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy told me he'd ask his manager about it.
Walking into a back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole out there wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find me standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and I returned to the main part of the store with my purchase.
Giving credit where it's due I said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. I like people who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" I asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" I said, seizing the opportunity for some more fun. "My wife is from Canada."
"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who does she play for?"

Tallyho! Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Tell Tale Signs

What ho! Pepys...

Apparently there is a Recession taking place as I speak. It is having a huge impact on everyone including me. I have been forced to restrict myself to a mere two cases of Champagne this month!

If you believe you may have been affected by this Recession but are not sure I have identified a number of tell tale signs to look out for. Any of these indicators are a sign that the Recession is starting to bite:
You get pre-declined for a credit card in the mail.

CEO's start playing miniature golf.

Oil Companies begin laying off Politicians.

You see a Mormon with only one wife.

The bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," so you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's begin selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopts a child from America.

Parents in Kensington sack two of their nannies and suddenly learn their children's names.

A truckload of Americans are caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary Clinton travel together, they actually share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is managed by Somali pirates

American Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Motorola and Enron merge to form a new company called Moron.

Of course the best way to make sure your life isn't affected by a Recession is to change the emphasis in your life AWAY from cash to something much more valuable instead.
Let me know how that goes Pepys! Har har!

  Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel