Lord Noel's Holes Of The World

What ho! Geologists..............

Aren't there some amazing holes in this wonderful Earth of ours?..............
For example:

1. South Africa
This is The Kimberley Big Hole - Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world. This 1097-meter-deep mine yielded over three tons of diamonds before being closed. The resulting cavern was allowed to fill with natural water causing this amazing feature. It is currently stable in structure therefore local inhabitants can live along the edge of its opening without fear.

2. California
This is The Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California - and it's the largest in the world of this type of spillway. Its size enables it to consume 14,400 cubic feet of water every second. A glory hole like this is used when a dam is at full capacity and surplus water needs to be drained from the reservoir. As long as no-one ventures too close when it is in use it poses no threat.

3. Belize
An amazing picture of The Great Blue Hole - This incredible geographical phenomenon is created by a circular coral atoll forming in the middle of the ocean. It is known as a blue hole and is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize . There are numerous blue holes around the world but none quite as stunning as this one. It poses no threat to humans.

4. Guatamala
This photo is of The Sinkhole that occurred February 2007 in Guatemala . As it formed - in a massive earth movement - it swallowed two dozen homes and killed at least three people. It is no longer believed to be a danger to the surrounding populace who still live in close proximity to this gaping giant.

5. England
This is the infamous 'Rat Hole of London' - It is reputed to contain 600 smaller A55 holes and together they are annually capable of swallowing Billions of pounds of Tax Payers Money. It is by far the most dangerous of all the holes featured here.....and shows no immediate sign of releasing its terrifying grip on innocent members of the public.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Yells - Everybody In The House Say "Arkyhaaaaa!"

Whatto! Nonsense lovers.......

With all the nonsense going on in the World.......

......... I thought I'd reproduce for you.......

......an old poem that you may recognise..............

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,

Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!

I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,

So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night, two,

dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other,

drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

and saved the lives of the two dead boys.

If you don't believe my lies are true,

ask the blind man, he saw it too!

Tallyho!

best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Michael Jackson Update

Whatto! Fellow Jacksonites...............

If.....like me................

......you too are struggling..........

........... to come to terms with Michael's untimely demise...........

There may be some solace...........

.......... in the most recent news to emerge from the 'Jackson Camp'............

They have freely admitted that "There can be no doubting that some of Michael's most recent behaviour had been perceived as a little weird"....................

......"and nobody can have failed to notice that his appearance has changed dramatically over the years.................
And yet.......... his insistence on constantly updating his looks with surgery has apparently led to one unexpected 'benefit' which loyal and loving fans need to know about"....................

"This wonderful performer.............
........and pop legend.............. .......due to the extensive surgery he has undertaken during his lifetime.............
...........has officially been classified by medical experts..........
..............as 90% PLASTIC!"
YES!
IT'S OFFICIAL!!
So the 'Good News'...................
.....for all us adoring fans everywhere.................
.....is that he ISN'T going to be buried!!
NO!
Instead.................
.............He's going to be 'Melted down'...................
......and made into LEGO BRICKS!..........
.....so that all the tiny children........

........who loved him sooooooo much............

.....can play with HIM for a change!.............
(R.I.P.)



Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Jacko Whackoed?

Whatto! Pop fans............

I was having my haircut yesterday when I heard the terrible news!........

My lifelong friend and associate....................

Had sadly passed away following a heart attack...............

I felt angry.............helpless and.............. alone!

He'd sent me some complimentary tickets to see him on his 'BAD' tour........and I must say......he was absolutely Bad!

Now I'm in a state of utter confusion!
I can only hope that it turns out to be yet another publicity stunt!

Tallyboohooo!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

(in mourning)

Lord Noel On Mating Season

Whatto! Hot blooded males...........

As a young man I was fortunate enough to be able to travel the World........

...... and on one particular trip I arranged to stay on a Native American reservation!

It taught me a great deal about their customs and beliefs...................

.....and one day in particular still stands out in my mind...................

I was travelling on horseback with two other 'Braves'...... when we entered some woods............

....... all of a sudden one of them leapt from his horse and ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.....

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave.......

...... and then he listened very closely...........

........ and there came an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

I watched in amazement as he then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave!

Naturally puzzled by this activity..........I asked the other Brave what it was all about..........

And he said "It is our custom during mating season when a Brave sees a cave, they call 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening............. If they get an answer back, it means there is a Squaw in there waiting to mate."

We went on further and saw another cave................

And the remaining Brave ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and shouted, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave!

I watched............ as he too tore off all his clothes and ran into the cave!

I was stunned and awestruck as I sat alone outside the cave on my horse....................... I'd gained a rare insight into an otherwise unknown part of Native American culture!

I wandered on ...............alone for a while............... and then saw a great big cave!

As I looked in, I was amazed at the size of the huge opening, and I was thinking, "Oh, Gosh! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than the ones those Braves found! There may be several really fine Squaws in this cave!"

I stood in front of the opening and shouted with all my might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

And I closed my eyes in anticipation.........listening for any reply........... after a few moments I heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in my eyes and a smile on my face, I raced into the cave, tearing off all my clothes........

........ full of youthful lust as I ran..............

And then the train hit me......



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Explains The Rules Of Cricket

Whatto! Cricketers...........

I was trying to explain the wonderful game of Cricket to an American friend of mine...........

I said "It's really quite simple...........

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game".

And do you know..............

He still didn't seem to understand!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Examines Warning Labels

What ho! Health & Safety executive types.........

After recently eating a bag of peanuts which had the warning "May contain nuts" on the label I began to think of some more utterly pointless warnings that could easily be instigated ............

......thereby guaranteeing you all continued employment

On Odour Eaters: "Not to be taken orally".

On a food blender: "Warning: Do not utilise as an emergency aquarium".


On stockings: "Guarantee is void if used in the commission of a felony".

On gloves: "For best results, do not leave at the scene of a crime".

On a fridge: "Keep cool after opening".

On alphabet blocks: "Not to be used by children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that could be deemed offensive".

On a cardboard windscreen sun-shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Screen in Place".

On an infant's bathtub: "Warning: Do not throw baby out with bath water".


On a cup of McDonald's coffee: "Allow contents to cool before applying to groin area".


On a microscope: "Warning: Objects may appear bigger and more frightening than they really are".

On a calendar: "The use of term 'Sunday' is for reference only. No meteorological warranties are expressed or implied".

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Has Hollywood Dreams.....

Whatto! Hollywood types.......

I had an very odd dream last night.........

Maybe you've had the same experience yourself?.........

I dreamt that I was living in Hollywood...............

......and that I WAS ELVIS!

Yes ME......ELVIS!

And my good Lady wife was........... Marilyn Monroe!

It was an absolutely wonderful experience!.....

.....but in my dream........

....other Elvis's started to turn up........

......and soon there was a whole room full of us!
Elvis's even started camping on my front lawn!

And then, in my dream......

......... lots more beautiful women started arriving...........

.............and they too were all dressed as MARILYN MONROE!!

.........And they camped outside with all the Elvis's!!

(Or should that be 'Elvii'.....as a plural of Elvis?)

In the end............

.........my dream got a little too weird.....

........even for ME!..................so I woke myself up!

Maybe I'm suffering from a vitamin deficiency?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Does History........ According to Lord Noel

Whatto! Historians........

I really don't know what all the fuss is about with History.......

People study it for years and years..........

I feel like telling them to 'Move ON!'..........

There's nothing you can do about it now!.....

I recently read a book.......... on history and came to conclusion that it is all rather simple.......

For those of you who don't wish to waste your whole life studying what has already happened in the past ...............and want to get on with LIVING!.....

......here's a potted history for you.............

"Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.

Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.

Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.

In medevil England times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus'.....

Can you do a 'Potted' version of a subject in 20 words or less?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Dress With Finesse

Lord Noel Examines Health & Efficiency

What ho! Builders.......

In this 'Health Conscious' society........

........ we are bombarded with ever more rules and regulations........

.....controlling how we behave both at home and at work.

Due to my interest in property development I recently attended a seminar regarding Health & Safety at work...........

I took these pictures during the seminar which was entitled........

"What's wrong here?".......

I wonder if you can spot it?................

It's really tricky I know.............

......but try looking a little bit closer...............

.......now it's staring you right in the face!.........

......if you thought the answer was "The woman is doing all the work!"...........

......then you're on the right lines.....

....... but not correct..............

I'm reliably informed by my wonderful wife Lady Jacqueline that....

"Women ALWAYS do ALL the work!"..............
No.......
So what's the correct answer?.............

(Scroll down)

V

V

V

V

V

V

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Mugshots

What ho! Criminals....

I often wonder who we should turn to in todays Society...to use as an Icon...

..someone...whose example we could follow...

..whose lifestyle we could emulate..

..so I have come to the conclusion that Criminals must have chosen as their Icons...

.....CELEBRITIES!

Here's Phil Spector........

legendary record producer........

......having been arrested and photographed for a muder that he was later found guilty of.............

From his expression on this pic I'd say to Phil "It looks like you've lost that loving feeling!

And here's that well known ear-eating rapist Mike Tyson...............

Didn't he also box?

I was surprised by some of my finds as I trawled through Police Photgraphic records..........

But certainly NOT surprised to find good old Steve 'Hellraiser' McQueen amongst them

The usual suspects turned up..........
You can't be a gangster rapper without a rap sheet!
Although I recently saw him on TV........

........languishing in one of his many luxury mansions with his wife and children........
......a real family man now.

Some of my finds surprised and saddened me............

Who could've known?.....

.....and some were like blasts from the past..........
....although you can't make out the blue eyes in this pic.

Apparently this man got sentenced to nine and a half weeks ..........

....with Kim Bassinger!

No wonder he re-offended!
Police had to take this one to keep up-to-date with his rapidly changing facial features!

This chap got caught trying to break into The Matrix.........

And Paris ..........well..........

........ is just Paris!........

........she just CAN'T turn off that desire to model......
I bet some crim couldn't believe their luck to find her 'banged up' with them!

Some went on to achieve great notority from their links with the mafia........

Maybe he was just doing some 'early research' for the role?

And it's not often you get 'The Prince of Darkness' as a guest!......
........."SHARON!"

Here's an innocent man if ever I saw one...............

He certainly doesn't look the type to murder his wife in cold blood!........

Nick Nolte doesn't look as though he found the whole thing enjoyable.......

I think he may have been arrested for wearing that shirt!

Sometimes the early signs were there............

.....that things weren't going to turn out well...............

......if only we knew then.......etc.......

Sometimes it was too much drink................

.....sometimes it was too many drugs..........

......sometimes it was the fault of the little children..............

......but these revealing glimpses into a moment in time............

....often show a more vulnerable side of a well-known face..........

.....sometimes they were just 'desperate' housewifes.............

.....with others what got them into trouble was SEX...............
I take it from Hugh's frustrated expression...............

.......... that police arrested him BEFORE he'd finished......

.........Whilst others look well and truely 'finished'.........

..........Exactly what you'd expect from a 'Sex Machine' ................

.........Some were just trying to make a point...........

....and others were getting to the point............

But no matter how Alien these images may seem...............

........their acting skills often shine through in these pictures.......

Having seen Robert De Niro's look above........

......Who better to cast in 'Cape Fear'?.......

....or a mass murderer?
There's one thing I am sure of though..........

.....I don't think it could EVER happen here........

.......in good old ENGLAND!!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel