Lord Noel Talks Politics

Whatto! Pepys...

Here in the Uk we have just had our local elections.
I wanted the Green party to win some seats because they say that they will look after the planet and make it nice.... and they did! (win some seats)
Lady Jacqueline thinks they will be like every other Political Party before them and introduce masses of Green taxes that we will all have to pay -  for all the bad stuff us humans keep doing to the Earth.
Meanwhile a growing number of people here in the Uk seemed to prefer the Manifesto of rascism.

It seems that our veneer of civilisation is flimsy, that it can be removed so quickly.

The xenophobic Manifesto is an all too familiar one...

...because it focuses people's attention on a previously unrecognised enemy.

A Scapegoat...

...unable to protect itself...

Focusing on the fact that this 'stranger' is somehow different from us.....
...either by their choice of language or their choice of religion....
(conveniently forgetting that both are usually an accident of birth)
...or even focussing on the strange way they choose to dress themselves.

Manifesting itself in full on hatred towards any struggling foreigner, working here on a minimum wage and trying to make enough money to survive....
....Foreigners who are clearly hiding behind the cunning facade of being a willing worker - an obvious threat to everything British.
They are so different from us!
They do things that we would NEVER do!

But that is precisely why our Society, and our World is enriched by our diversity.
We fool ourselves that we have a collective consciousness which makes us all 'normal'...
...and makes 'them' somehow different to us.

Politicians spout rhetoric, as if everyone in Britain shares the same twisted beliefs as them....
... and pretty soon.....they do.

England football team giving the Nazi salute

It's somehow easier to believe that all our Economic and Social problems stem from a foreigner trying to make a better life for themselves and their family....

....than from a bunch of Bankers who demand to be continually bailed out with endless supplies of our money.

Trying to appeal to people's prejudice is a cop out....
...it's a cheap an cynical trick...
...aimed at attracting the lowest denomination of intelligence...
....and it's far, far too easy!
Much easier than addressing the real issues....
... and opening our hearts to the struggles of all the people in the World...
... and showing them some LOVE.

....and so the tide changes....
....and hate is directed towards those who can least defend themselves...
...and Politicians ride on the back of the wave of popularity that affords them new power to exploit.
And HATE flourishes....
It becomes the acceptable face of Britain...
...a new product of Society to be enjoyed by all.

Can we learn nothing from past experiences?
Can we not see the dead end that leads us on towards hating each other?
Because where HATE flourishes.... LOVE struggles to survive....
... and I know which I'd rather have.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes & Love - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Local News

Whatto! Pepys...
Lord Noel here!

People often say to me "Lord Noel - How do you manage to live without a TV?"....
But they are usually mixing me up with someone else.....
..... like Nicholas Cage or Richard E Grant...
...both of whom have personally advised me of their hatred for the small screen.
(Or maybe it's just because of the lifelike tattoo I have over my abdomen of Mr Cage?)
I do look at the old gogglebox from time to time....
....but the time I spend watching it has increasingly decreased.
I must admit that I have a darker desire, that has to expressed in the open air amongst other pleasure seeking adults...
...and also to having a secret delight when coming across a fresh newspaper advertising sign....
...although I am, of course, unable to speak further of this - due to the impending Court Case.

So instead, here, for your delectation and delight is a "Selection from my Collection" which I trust you will enjoy - to the full.

Sometimes I wonder whether they think we don't read them at all!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On TV

Whatto! Pepys....

In these days of uncertainty and worry, if I ever want to feel reassured and comforted...
...I always put on our National News Network - The BBC.
It's tried and tested and respected the World over as a purveyor of British opinion...
...and it helps to reassure me that all is well.
I would never, for instance expect to see anything like this on the BBC...

Because I need to remain convined that 250,000 civilians in Iraq lost their lives when GB joined America is a massive bombing campaign because the Evil Saddam Hussein had lots of weapons of mass destruction which somehow we haven't managed to find yet.
Neither would I expect my daily contentment to become unbalanced in any way by my beloved TV Channel chosing to interview someone with a dubiously disgusting name....
That's why you would NEVER find The British Broadcasting Company featuring people like this!...

Well? I ask BFM TV - Did your feature with 'General Arse Biscuites' help to 'clear the air'?

or this....

Well? 2 TV - Was everything that 'Mike Litoris' had to say 'on the button'?

or this....

Well? Unidentified TV station - Did your piece with 'Willie Stroker' give your audience satisfaction?

or this...

Well? Local News 7 - Was this really necessary?

No! It most definitely WAS NOT!

I want my TV Station to constantly reassure me that my life is perfectly 'Normal' and that everything is the way it should be.

If standards are allowed to slip to the standards allowed by these other inferior TV Companies then who knows what might happen?

We may even begin to discover the truth! 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Modern Women

Whatto! Pepys...

We all like to reinvent ourselves, taking into account our new-found knowledge or inderstanding of the changes within Society that have influenced our development. And Western Women are very familiar with this process, which helps them to define the new 'me'.


She is not HORNY,


She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.



She is not a SLUT,

She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.



She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE,

She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.



She does not have THIN LIPS,

She is COLLAGEN DEFICIENT.



She is not a BAD COOK,

She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.



She is not HALF NAKED,

She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.



She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY,

She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.



She is not CONCEITED,

She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.



She does not want to be MARRIED,

She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.



She does not GAIN WEIGHT,

She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.



She is not a SCREAMER,

She is VOCALLY ACTIVE.



She is not EASY,

She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.



She does not TEASE or FLIRT,

She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.



She in not DUMB,

She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.



She is not TOO SKINNY,

She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.



She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE,

She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.



She does not HATE SPORTS,

She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.



She has not BEEN AROUND,

She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.



She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME,

She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.



She does not GET YOU EXCITED,

She causes TEMPORARAY BLOOD RELOCATION.



She is not KINKY,

She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.



She does not have a KILLER BODY,

She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.



She does not GO SHOPPING,

She is MALL FLUENT.



She is not an AIRHEAD,

She is REALITY IMPAIRED.



She does not get DRUNK,

She gets CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED.



She does not get FAT,

She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.



She is not FRIGID,

She is TERMINALLY INACCESSIBLE.



She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP,

She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.



She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS,

She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.



She does not NAG YOU,

She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.



She is not LOOSE,

She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.



She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS,

She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.



Tallyho!   Best Orwellian Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Helps Others

Whatto! Pepys....

Michael Who?...

I recently announced my return to the UKland following my extended soiree in the far east....
....and I should have realised that it would begin an avalanche of mail from Help Seeking Locals.
As I have selflessly dedicated myself to helping others I find myself compelled to assist my new-found friend...
...and reproduce their correspondence with me below for your perusal.


"Hi Lord Noel,
I heard that you had recently returned to the UK and I wondered if you could assist me?
Recently I spent a not inconsiderable amount of money safeguarding a prominant advertising location within the confines of the window of our Local Post Office....
.... but, to date, I have received NO replies!
I know that your readership consists mainly of discerning, sophisticated adults and I wondered if you could help me reach that demographic audience by reproducing my advertisement campaign within you illustrious blog pages?
Ps. Do you happen to know the current address of  Deborah Meaden?
Yours sincerely
Michael Again"

 

"Dearest Michael,
Our success rate in situations like this is unparalleled....
...mainly because it is unquantified....
...but I gain a perverse pleasure in assisting a needy local, like yourself, to achieve one of their self proclaimed 'lifetime ambitions'.
Thank you for your letter - from which I was able to ascertain your current postal address.
Any further contact will, of course, have to be made via my Solicitor because of the Restraining Order I was forced to take out when I found you hiding in my garden hedge with a digital camera and my name tatooed across you forehead in blood.
I trust you will understand
Tallyho!
Best Wishes
Lord Noel"

Lord Noel On War On Words

Whatto! Pepys....

Tony 'Satan' Blair feeling very at home

Hands up all those people who believe what their Government tells them?!
Okay....... still a few...... but not many......
Well, you extremely trusting people...
Do you remember when your Government declared "War on Drugs!"?
I expected the Army to at least nuke a couple of cannabis farms...
...but no.
Instead we invaded Afghanistan and helped the poor, undernourished and terrified farmers to grow a new cash crop!
Heroin!
Yum!
Now Afghanistan has become the largest producer of Heroin in the World!
The "War on Drugs!" is declared a success!
But the fleeting success soon left a growing feeling of emptiness inside the people who made the weapons....
With the "War on Drugs!" over, how could they continue to increase weapon's sales?
They needed another Noun to declare War on!
And, to the rescue of Warmongers everywhere came the wonderfully abstract Campaign creatively entitled "War On Terror!"
'Terror' the Noun that was perceived to be potentially everywhere and/or potentially everyone by the powers that be....
and from which we, the public, could be protected if we would simply back our Government's idea of declaring War against it.
You'll notice that Diplomats have been made redundant by this process?
We no longer 'chat' about Drugs or 'have a discussion' about Terrorism....
...we go straight to 'Go'!...... whilst still passing the "collect 16 zillion dollars" square
(thoughtfully put in place by the wealthy Munitions manufacturers)
And how successful has our "War on Terror!" been exactly?
Well? Do you feel any safer?
Of course you do!
No, neither do I.
There seems to be more bloodshed now than at any time before the "War on Terror!" started....
...with many more innocent civilian casualties....
...and many more Countries being destabilised by armed militia...
...desperate to spread their own version of 'Democracy'....
...Militia who somehow always manage to get hold of machine guns and a Bazooka with useable ammunition...
...even though they apparently live under a tree in a hole up a mountain somewhere!
Come on!
How would even an experienced company like Amazon manage to deliver to somewhere that doesn't even have a proper address?
And they've got Drones!
I live in a First World country and no matter how hard I try (on a scale of 1 to 10 it's probably minus 6) I've never managed to get hold of a working machine gun or Bazooka with ammo!
How the hell does a lowly shepherd, living on a diet of old mutton, manage to attain such equipment?
Do I smell the unbelieveably callous stench of a "greedy profits at any cost" munitions Company?
I think I do.
They are making a stinking great Profit People!
That's the "Free Market" at work!
So why aren't I getting a piece of the action?
Well..... I have given this dilemma a great deal of consideration...
...and with Profiteering in the forefront of my mind I would like to suggest and wholeheartedly support our next Government Funded "Campaign"...
...which I think should be entitled "War on Nature!"
(I was going to go with "War on Weather!" but I believe our Governments have already begun that War without our consent - so expect bloody awful weather for the foreseeable future)
No!....My idea of a "War on Nature!" has been carefully considered based on past events...
If it pans out the way every other Campaign has, we will absolutely saturated in "Nature" in no time!
Result!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Wurst Euro Win

Whatto! Pepys....

Well good old Eurovision!
Just as I was going on about it's predictabilty and outmodedness I watched the show and was pleasantly surprised by the improvements that have been made since I last watched.
The concert-like set-up helped to raise energy levels nicely and the scoring was made easier to handle by counting public phone-ins and cutting down the point system to allow only the remaining three top point allocations to be made.
There were plenty of tongues in cheeks but several of the songs seemed like they would be quite comfortable on a credible album release.
The old Political rivalries raised their ugly mugs and got rightly booed by the crowd of joyous revellers who could see straight through the cynical motivations.
There were predictable Europop entries amongst the offerings but the show managed to create a totally unexpected surprise once more in the shape of an elegantly bearded lady from Austria who went on to win comfortably.
Is this a sign that shock tactics work well on a show like this where exposure is limited and the three minutes available to make an impact have to be exploited to the full?
Gone are the days of BucksFizz where pulling off a skirt was enough to cause controversy.
And, despite the fact that I don't think the winning song was the strongest one on offer (it reminded me of a rejected James Bond theme song), I can clearly see why the Austrian win was so popular.
Having returned from the far East where androgeny is an accepted facet of human behaviour, it surprises me that it nevertheless still has the capacity to fascinate and enthrall the rest of the developed world.
Making the shift from male to female is difficult enough for any westerner but refusing to lose the beard takes the challenge to a whole new level.
I was reminded of several other bearded icons as Ms Wurst was performing...
... shades of Russell Brand were coming through......

Conchita celebrates her Eurovision win!

... and I even fancied that I had perhaps glimpsed the second coming of a Christ God......
.....or was it a Goddess?

Maybe this time s/he would be accepted and not nailed to a cross?
....and even allowed into America?
But my mind also reminded me of the vintage popularity of the old circus side-show tents where people would flock to pay their money to catch a glimpse of the 'freaks' who had come to town....one of which was usually the ubiquitous 'bearded lady'.
And I found myself wondering...
....have we really come so far after all?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Europop

Whatto! Pepys...

For some time now, my interest in the Eurovision Song Contest has been sadly lacking.
I have been away in the far east since January and have been enjoying the music there instead.
Now I have returned and am searching for some good quality European music to emerse myself into.
The Eurovision song contest is not somewhere I expect to find any inspiration.... even though, on the face of it - it appears to be the perfect vehicle for new and innovative world music.
Maybe it's because of the obvious, mechanical, trite, vaccuous attempts at making instant hits?
Maybe its because I know that all the best music in the world steers clear of competitions like this.
Maybe it's because all the previous winners music were tunes I can only describe as aural pollution.
However, if I was kidnapped and tied to a chair naked and forced to reveal one selected choice of song from the Eurovision contest that I could invest any semblance of emotional feeling into it would have to be this beauty from Finland.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAh9NRGNhUU

I gather the finals are being completed tonight for Englands entry.
I can only hope it has something approaching this songs energy levels.
The Band's name may have had some influence on my final decision too!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Lying Shits`

Whatto! Pepys...

Arnold (from thhe Government) shows Murielle where the Statistics sign is

Everyday I see evidence around me of things that may not be as they first seem...

For example -

I've noticed the following increases have taken place on vital products and services...

Gas - UP - 30%↑

Petrol - UP - 13%↑

Water - UP - 18%↑

Rent - UP - 15%↑

Food - UP - 19%↑

Rail fares - UP - 20%↑   Bus fares - UP - 20%↑

And yet our Government continues to tell us that inflation is 2.2%!

Well.....

Either I'm a purple and green striped emu named Neville with a diamond tiara and pink waterwings....

...or they are being less than truthful with us.



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel's Health Kick

Whattho! Pepys...

For Xmas this year my wife purchased a week of private sessions


at the local health club for me. Though still in great shape from when I

was on the under 14 chess team in Grammar school, I decided it was a good

idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone

named Tanya, who said she was a '26-year-old aerobics instructor and

athletic clothing model' - a likely story!



My wife seemed very pleased with how suddenly enthusiastic I was to get started.

They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress - so here goes:



Day 1.

Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but soooo worth it when I

arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something

of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me all of

the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She

seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think it was just

standing next to her, in THAT outfit of hers, that added about ten points.

Enjoyed watching the aerobics class - great spectator sport. Tanya was very encouraging as I did

my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a

little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is

going to be really GREAT.



Day 2.

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door today, but I made it. Tanya

had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then

she put weights on it! For heaven's sake woman! Har! Legs were a little wobbly on

the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth

while. Muscles ALL feel really GREAT.



Day 3.

Today I found out that the only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I

have developed a hernia in both of my pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I

didn't try to steer. I parked in the Gym carpark - on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little

impatient with me and told me my screaming was bothering the other club

members! The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair monster. Why

would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete

by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make

me live longer. Right now I can't imagine anything worse.



Day 4.

Tanya was waiting for me with her shiny vampire teeth in a full snarl. I

can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to

tie my shoelaces. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The

word "dumb" is in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until

she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing

machine. I SANK!



Day 5.

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human

being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not

in extreme pain I would certainly use it to hit her. She thought it would be a good

idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't

have triceps! And if you don't want any more dents in your precious floors don't hand me

those stupid barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went

to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a

science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been

someone softer, like a music, art, or social studies teacher? Bitches!



Day 6.

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I

lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight

hours of the Food channel. Felt full up afterwards.



Day 7.

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my

wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate

for a root canal.



Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Applauds A Fellow Moaner

Whatto! Pepys...

It has come to my attention that a fellow human being has similar issues regarding excessively obese personages who allow their form to encroach into other peoples lives in a selfish way.
His Blog can be found here and this is a transcript of the entry to which I refer:

"Dear Jetstar,


Do you like riddles? I do, that's why I'm starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What's fat as fuck, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That's right, it's the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.

As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn't a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.

Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne - Eau No. Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it's entirely possible that none of them actually saw me.

Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn't catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I'll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I've given them all the same surname - Couldnotgiveashit). After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how shit they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to which Giggly responded, "hehehe, they're for crew only, hehehe". I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.

I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgiveashit triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing, I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both "crew only" rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she's flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.

Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn't that exactly the same as having someone who can't control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that's why I'm demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row seat.

I'm also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I'm yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don't recover completely, I'll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay.

To discuss my generous compensation package, email me at: richwisken@hotmail.com, or tweet me at: @RichWisken

No regards,

Rich Wisken"     Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Found Out

Whatto! Pepys...

This morning my wife found out that I really love Breakfast at Tiffany's.
She was so upset...
...she started to shout and throw things....
....and has told me I must stop seeing Tiffany.

I'm afraid that it's my attitude on sex which has got me into trouble before.
I always believed that I was going to have sex as much as possible before I got too old...
.... and ended up with that penile dementia.

  Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Dating Agency

Whatto! Pepys...

I am pleased to announce that Brian
(the man who owns the bouncy castle)
has finally married Alice
(the lady who runs the coconut shy).
People are congratulating ME for organising their successful courtship...
... but I think...
... it was fête that brought them together

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Crime

Whatto! Pepys...

When I was younger I was so spoilt I had no idea of what was right or wrong.
Things became so bad that I was told if I stayed on that same path it was inevitable that I would slowly drift into a life of crime.
I remember the day I broke into the home of a Goodfellas actor, but got caught opening the safe in the living room by his children who I'd woken up.
That was the moment that I was really disappointed with myself.
I'd been planning that job for months....
... and I'd have gotten away with it too!
- if it hadn't've been for those Pesci kids!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Anagrams

Whatto! Pepys...

Yesterday I received this letter from an admiring fan who obviously knows how much I love puzzles.
I know that it contains a secret message but I haven't been able to work it out yet.
I believe it's probably Anangrams...
...you know...
...where the letters are rearranged to create a new word?
Sometimes the new words contain an uncany reference to the first word...
...like these examples...

Dormitory = Dirty Room


Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here come Dots

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity = Is No Amity

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness = Genuine Class

Semolina = Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Contradiction = Accord not in it

Astronomer = Moon Starer

Princess Diana = End Is A Car Spin

Now I really should get back to decyphering this message...
I would call my friend who is particularly good at these...
...but I can't seem to find my phone...


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Friends

Whatto! Pepys....

One of the great things

about having James Taylor

as a friend

is that

if I just call out his name,

wherever he is,

he'll come running!

Here he comes now!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Reading

Whatto! Pepys...

If you've come here expecting to read a review of the town called Reading I can reveal to you now that you are to be sorely disappointed, for I speak today of the joyous and uplifting pastime of reading from the printed word.
In this day and age we are most fortunate to have lived in an educated society where we have the benefit of having learned well the ubiquitous three R's (Reading, Riting and Rithmatic) in our various top-quality schools situated up hill and down dale throughout this noble land.
As far as the education system today is concerned my personal philosophy is "If it ain't broke, it probably didn't go to university."
The problem today, as I see it, is that every Tom Dick and Mary is writing about something or other and the quality can vary quite dramatically, sometimes with disasterous consequences.
Why even that Katie Price lassie has allegedly written several novels in her frutifully short life! Though I find that particularly hard to believe firstly because she comes from Essex and secondly because I cannot believe that she could ever catch sight of the keyboard.
I even heard that Elaine Paige & Tina Turner have recently combined to write a book which should be a real .....
.....treat.

One of the genres I have never understood, and therefore never enjoyed, is the Mystery novel.
I suppose one could say that this has remained a complete mystery to me! Har!
But seriously... why would anyone wish to confuse the human mind with needless deliberately fabricated mysteries, when life has enough genuine mysteries of it's own to offer us?
I have found that Mystery writing is very very over rated indeed, so I make a point of never purchasing any.
I have also found that one can make EVERY Novel a 'mystery novel' simply by never finishing it!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Eating Out

Whatto! Pepys....

Lady Jacqueline and I very much enjoy eating out.
It's not because we don't enjoy home cooking... it's just that we like to try new things and discover all the exciting tastes that our excellent planet has to offer.
We like to take time to seek out any lovely local hostelry who has taken the time to produce sumptuous dishes of delight for us to salivate over.
Last week we went to a splendid Halal restaurant where you can order from the Allah carte menu and it was truly delicious!
The week before we went to a wonderful little Spanish Tapas bar which served us a delightful array of exotic flavours served with small Hispanic platitudes.
I fell in love with the place as soon as we arrived; the warm vibrant colours, the flamenco music strutting wildly from the oak brown speakers and everywhere the glimmering sight of highly polished maracas dangling from a well worn fishermans net! These few carefully thought out interior tricks set the scene brilliantly for as as we were shown to our table.
I just walked into the place and thought to myself ....
...¿por qué he venido aquí?
I suppose you could call it a señor moment.
As we left I pocketed one of the delightfully small Hispanic plates from our meal...
Lady Jacqueline was most upset about my habit of continually taking keepsakes from restaurants...
...but I guess I'm just someone who lives for the momento!



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Joins The Program

Whatto! Pepys....

 
Some time ago I was sent a program called 'Love.exe'.
At first I thought it was a virus of some kind but when I checked it out it was totally clean.
I wasn't sure what to do, so I decided to get some proper instructions from the Help Line.
Here's what happened....


Me: Hello, this is Lord Noel speaking - I've been kindly sent a program called Love.exe - I was wondering if you can help me to use it?

Customer Service Rep: Certainly Lord Noel - can you install LOVE?

Me: I think so. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install it now. What do I do first?

Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART Lord Noel?

Me: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Customer Service Rep: What programs are running Lord Noel?

Me: Let me see.... I appear to have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called
HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs all prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off Sir?

Me: I really don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Me: (After several moments) Okay, I've done that. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Me: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Me: Oops!...I'm getting an error message already. What should I do?

Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?

Me: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

Customer Service Rep: Don't worry Lord Noel, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Me: So what should I do?

Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Me: Ah yes, I have it.

Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Me: Why, thank you.

Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Me: Got it! Hey! My HEART is filling up with some really super files! SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Me: Yes?

Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. Hopefully they will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Me: I will. Thank you for your help.

Customer Service Rep: You're welcome Lord Noel.




Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On 2014

Whatto! Pepys...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It's a brand new year!

Rise and shine!

Are you still a Virgin?

Or are you virgin on the rediculous?

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel