Whatto! Pepys....
Some time ago I was sent a program called 'Love.exe'.
At first I thought it was a virus of some kind but when I checked it out it was totally clean.
I wasn't sure what to do, so I decided to get some proper instructions from the Help Line.
Here's what happened....
Me: Hello, this is Lord Noel speaking - I've been kindly sent a program called Love.exe - I was wondering if you can help me to use it?
Customer Service Rep: Certainly Lord Noel - can you install LOVE?
Me: I think so. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install it now. What do I do first?
Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART Lord Noel?
Me: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
Customer Service Rep: What programs are running Lord Noel?
Me: Let me see.... I appear to have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called
HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs all prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off Sir?
Me: I really don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Me: (After several moments) Okay, I've done that. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Me: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.
Me: Oops!...I'm getting an error message already. What should I do?
Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?
Me: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
Customer Service Rep: Don't worry Lord Noel, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
Me: So what should I do?
Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Me: Ah yes, I have it.
Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Me: Why, thank you.
Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Me: Got it! Hey! My HEART is filling up with some really super files! SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...
Me: Yes?
Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. Hopefully they will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Me: I will. Thank you for your help.
Customer Service Rep: You're welcome Lord Noel.
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
Some time ago I was sent a program called 'Love.exe'.
At first I thought it was a virus of some kind but when I checked it out it was totally clean.
I wasn't sure what to do, so I decided to get some proper instructions from the Help Line.
Here's what happened....
Me: Hello, this is Lord Noel speaking - I've been kindly sent a program called Love.exe - I was wondering if you can help me to use it?
Customer Service Rep: Certainly Lord Noel - can you install LOVE?
Me: I think so. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install it now. What do I do first?
Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART Lord Noel?
Me: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
Customer Service Rep: What programs are running Lord Noel?
Me: Let me see.... I appear to have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called
HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs all prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off Sir?
Me: I really don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Me: (After several moments) Okay, I've done that. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Me: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.
Me: Oops!...I'm getting an error message already. What should I do?
Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?
Me: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
Customer Service Rep: Don't worry Lord Noel, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
Me: So what should I do?
Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Me: Ah yes, I have it.
Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Me: Why, thank you.
Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Me: Got it! Hey! My HEART is filling up with some really super files! SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...
Me: Yes?
Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. Hopefully they will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Me: I will. Thank you for your help.
Customer Service Rep: You're welcome Lord Noel.
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
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