Whatto! Pepys....
By now you will be becoming tremendously excited at the propect of a fat bearded man breaking into your home in the dead of night!
I know that Lady J and myself favour the European style of Xmas whereby we open all our presents on Xmas Eve with carol singing on the radiophone, as the tree lights twinkle and the snow falls softly in the cold night air out through the frosted window panes, and we are both too drunk to realise what utter rubbish we have purchased for each other in order to share our love for each other in a purely consumer orientated way.
Then it's orf to bed while Santa empties his sack for another year!
And in the morning we can have a jolly nice lie-in (none of this ridiculous coming downstairs, hungover at silly o clock in the bally morning for us!).
If you are someone who still insists on the second, outdated as far less fashionable method - here are a few more Xmas Cracker jokes (as requested by Tom Smith) to counteract that awful pounding inside your skull!
Q: Why do black musicians like xmas so much?
A: Because of all the wrapping
Q: Where did Samta go to get fit for xmas?
A: An Elf farm
Q: What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
A: The letter 'D'
Q: What's a snowmans favourite song?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow
Q: What was the name of the reindeer with a pole in it's leg?
A: Rodney
Q: What do you get when you cross a shark with an icicle?
A: Frostbite
Q: Why did Santa go to the doctor before xmas?
A: He needed a flue jab
Q: What king is present every xmas?
A: A stoc-king!
Q: What happend when Father Xmas turned detective?
A: Santa Clues
Q: What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
A: Lost
Q: Which reindeer had the worst manners?
A: Rude-olph
Q: How did Santa hurt his eye?
A: Reading a pop-up book about giraffes
Q: What's the slogan for the Eskimo Lottery?
A: You've got to be Innuit to win it
Q: What happened to the woman who asked the barman for a double entendre?
A: He gave her one
Q: What do you call a reindeer who has been diagnosed with attention deficeit disorder?
A: They're lovely crackers aren't they?
...And please remember that there are 3 stages of man:
1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
3) He IS Santa Claus!
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
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