Monday, 29 December 2014

Lord Noel Asks "Did you know?"

Whatto! Pepys...


Did you know?

In Baltimore, in the mid 1800's there was a man who sold corpses to the
hospital for research.  He stored the cadavers in cheap whiskey to
ferment them before turning them over to the researchers.  He then sold
the whiskey to the medical students... thus the term "rot gut."

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink.  Mead is a honey beer, and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month"
or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger
into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold,
and the yeast wouldn't grow.  Too hot, and the yeast would die.  This
thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb."

Or... The term "rule of thumb" came from the practice in England of
preachers advising their married
male parishoners to beat their wives so they would be obedient.  To be
sure that the beating was not lethal, they advised that the branch the
husbands would cut should be no bigger around than their thumb.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.  So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to
mind their own pints and quarts and settle down.  It's where we get the
phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or
ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor
or even shirts.  In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in
Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the
Navy's rum.  Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called
Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore.
The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself.  When
you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use
today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim or handle of their ceramic cups.  When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service.  "Wet your  whistle," is the
phrase inspired by this practice.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the
Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber
machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded
into the fuselage.  If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it
got "the whole 9 yards."

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "good night, sleep tight"
came from.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday, 27 December 2014

Lord Noel Xmas Post

Whatto! Pepys...


Well thank GODJESUS that's over!
Another Yuletide Season under my belt and now only New Years Eve to face and we're into months of nothingness (unless you count Valentine's Day) until the weather starts to perk up....
It's been a funny old Xmas...
I hope you got all the lovely gifts you deserve...
I was given the lovely gift above!
(It says on the box that it's "Suitable for the man who has everything")
That's me alright!
Very seasonal I thought!
Of course we had the usual visit from the door-to-door singing coal minor....
...it's a local tradition to shake them warmly by the hard for good luck!


 ...and this year I actually invited him inside to warm his little handykins by the fire...
... and he told me he fancied a dark shag....
....to refill his pipe!
I made a joke about smoking stunting ones growth....
...and then took this pic of him laughing his little socks off! 
Har har!
Is it me or do they look younger each year?

There was plenty of booze consumed at our virtual manor bar!
And all the staff were on top form - even though they weren't getting paid (they're here as part of a Workfare experience).... but they seemed happy doing bar tricks for the guests (mainly in black and white)


I did have a bit of a 'falling out' with our nextdoor neighbour though...
He's newly moved in and he took the trouble to walk all the way up my driveway to deliver me some leaflets about Jesus!

Which was quite a coincidence...
...because the first thing I said when I opened the door to him was "JESUS!"


I reproduce one of the leaflets here for your perusal...
...it's a jaunty little edition to inspire any neighbourhood Satanists...
...and it's exactly what I would expect from a Badly Bearded Bible Basher!



I hope you had a nice Xmas....
... and now feel suitably GUILTY!?


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Thursday, 25 December 2014

Lord Noel's Xmas

Whatto! Pepys...


Today I pulled my cracker so hard...

... that all my Christmases came at once!


Tallyho! 
Happy Xmas!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Lord Noel Loves Satan Clause

Whatto! Pepys....


By now you will be becoming tremendously excited at the propect of a fat bearded man breaking into your home in the dead of night!
I know that Lady J and myself favour the European style of Xmas whereby we open all our presents on Xmas Eve with carol singing on the radiophone, as the tree lights twinkle and the snow falls softly in the cold night air out through the frosted window panes, and we are both too drunk to realise what utter rubbish we have purchased for each other in order to share our love for each other in a purely consumer orientated way.
Then it's orf to bed while Santa empties his sack for another year!
And in the morning we can have a jolly nice lie-in (none of this ridiculous coming downstairs, hungover at silly o clock in the bally morning for us!).
If you are someone who still insists on the second, outdated as far less fashionable method - here are a few more Xmas Cracker jokes (as requested by Tom Smith) to counteract that awful pounding inside your skull!

Q: Why do black musicians like xmas so much? 
A: Because of all the wrapping 

Q: Where did Samta go to get fit for xmas? 
A: An Elf farm 

Q: What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month? 
A: The letter 'D' 

Q: What's a snowmans favourite song? 
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow 

Q: What was the name of the reindeer with a pole in it's leg? 
A: Rodney 

Q: What do you get when you cross a shark with an icicle? 
A: Frostbite 

Q: Why did Santa go to the doctor before xmas? 
A: He needed a flue jab 

Q: What king is present every xmas? 
A: A stoc-king! 

Q: What happend when Father Xmas turned detective? 
A: Santa Clues 

Q: What do you call an elephant at the North Pole? 
A: Lost 

Q: Which reindeer had the worst manners? 
A: Rude-olph 

Q: How did Santa hurt his eye? 
A: Reading a pop-up book about giraffes 

Q: What's the slogan for the Eskimo Lottery? 
A: You've got to be Innuit to win it 

Q: What happened to the woman who asked the barman for a double entendre? 
A: He gave her one 

Q: What do you call a reindeer who has been diagnosed with attention deficeit disorder? 
A: They're lovely crackers aren't they? 

...And please remember that there are 3 stages of man:
1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
3) He IS Santa Claus!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Lord Noel's Dating Service

Whatto! Pepys...



Some of the very well orf people who I circulate with have been telling me recently that they are finding it increasingly difficult to attract a suitable 'life-partner'. Naturally, they asked if I can help them out because of my superb oratory and communication skills.
So I have decided to start a Dating Service for VIP's who deserve to have someone special in their life.

Here's a message from my first Male candidate (who will remain anonymous for obvious reasons):

"Hi! 
I'm a middle eastern guy in my mid thirties who enjoys life and creating things. I have a GSOH and have plenty to say for myself! In the past people loved coming to hear me speak. Yet despite having a legion of followers I just haven't managed to find that 'special one' yet. 
I love books and have been a collaborator and contributor to several quite heavy self-help books. 
I also know one or two great party tricks! I remember this one time we were at a party and they run out of wine, yeah? and this guy asked me if I can help so I did my 'thing' of turning water into wine! Wow! That night really swung! haha! 
I live at home with my Dad (who is so like me - it's almost like we ARE the same person!) haha but now I've become a bit of a loner. It's mainly due to some nasty experiences of the past.
I hit a real low a few years back. I went around telling people I was a God and a King and started seeing Holy Ghosts! I also used to hang around with prostitutes. I'm not proud of my time then and although people must have thought I had some kind of multiple personality disorder I stayed focused on woodworking to take my mind off things. In those days mental conditions weren't recognised as they are today and I turned into a bit of a self-harmer (truth be known) which may have been why I felt so drawn to ill people and in particular blind people and lepers. But I did what I thought was right at the time to help as many people as I could.
This one time I was out in town but got totally humilated. I guess I asked for it because I had been telling everyone again that I was their 'King' and obviously they didn't like it. But that time things got TOTALLY out of hand and I got spat on and grabbed by some soldiers and they dragged me through town and more and more people joined in attacking me. It was totally crazy! The Police did nothing! They just stood back and let the soldiers do what they liked! Anyway in the end they actually nailed me to a piece of wood! Nobody came to help - it was really, really awful! I really don't remember much else about that day - maybe I just blanked it from my memory? 
Anyway - I'm fine now, and I keep telling everyone I'm immortal! haha - but obviously not in a 'Physical' sense. 
Several people I spoke to said I made them see things differently - which was always nice to hear - especially from the blind ones! haha! 
Looking back now I suppose I was on a bit of a mission. I wanted to save people from God who I also believed was ME! Whoah! lol
I had a real thing about Bankers too! Really down on those dudes with all their piles of cash! haha
Anyway - if there's anyone out there who thinks they can handle me - get in touch!
You can contact me via here if you want to know more - or you can always pray! haha
Either way you're damned! haha
Take Care
Jx
PS. Please...NO GAYS! Thanks"


So........Anyone interested?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Lord Noel On Xmas Past

Whatto! Pepys...



At this time of year I begin to become nostalgic for the old fashioned style of Xmas that has been romanticised by so many for so long.....
I suppose I am refering to the Victorian era with their beautiful horsedrawn carriages and Gentlemen and Ladies in their amazing outfits and the hot chestnut sellers in the streets surrounded by hungry well wishes and the starving lying amongst the dying homeless children down gin soaked alleyways?
Strange how there always seems to be a darker side to humanity?
Nothing is ever as it seems...
...even family members hold their own strange secrets.
My wife recently discovered, for example, that her great great grandmother was an Irish lady who at the tender age of 14 left Ireland to join a travelling circus as a trapeze artist. Yet somehow fate has connected that lady back through previous generations to the Queen of England herself!
I find that one has to be very careful during Xmas dinner that exactly the right sort of guests are allowed to join m'lady and I for our annual festivities.
For example my wifes Aunt 'Hairy' Mary is an awful guest to have around the dinner table; not only do food stuffs catch in her voluminous beard but it's a devil of a job trying to hear anything she says, as it all comes out muffled - with no chance whatsoever of any of us being able to lip read the poor old girl (if indeed she is a girl and if indeed she has any lips!.


Whereas cousin 'tiny' Tim will always be welcome to the table. Not only is he an extremely interesting dinner guest - knowing a great deal about the various faddy diets that perculate the city at this time of year - but he hardly touches a morsel of food or drink for fear of gaining the merest ounce of weight.
As far as I am concerned Tim will ALWAYS be on the guest list!


Then there's 'Koo Koo' who I am convinced is totally cuckoo! She is from Scandinavia and I'm not sure who she is related to or how she got here - perhaps she flew? She is someone I can tolerate easily enough during the year but would definitely NOT be on the guest list for Xmas dinner! Her dress, movement and eating habits are not something that a mere dining room can contain! If she sees food she scurries across to it - even if it means walking across the table to get to it! And she's always so peckish! NO! Definitely someone to avoid at this time of year...


Adorable Arthur is always welcome - although after a few drinks he is a bit prone to start stripping orf! But there we are - wasn't baby Jesus also naked at this time of year?... so he's in good company! The only thing with Arthur is that he is a tinchy bit accident prone - so we have to make sure that anything sharp is removed from his immediate vicinity and that he has plastic cutlery!


Bill and Ben (from my side of the family) tend to argue quite a lot, especially after a few bottles of champers!... which is fine if you fancy a debate about some topical issue or other but they can suddenly 'team up' and the next thing you find is that BOTH of them are having a go at you and if not in perfect unison then in a relentless tag team of verbosity! So it's impossible to shout them down in the way that bigotted rich people like me simply love to do! The other thing is that although they only take up one chair at the table, they do have exactly twice that number of mouths to feed! So....NO they will not be receiving an invite....


Last but not least, is Milly Pede (again from my side, where generations of inbreeding seem to have taken its toll) who is not only fun to talk to but of small upper frame, thus eating very little and looking, to all and sundry like a perfectly normal Lady 'above the table'. She is however, a terrible flirt and after a few lines of coke will insist on playing footsy with any eligible gentleman within her reach.
She is ALWAYS on the guest list for Xmas!



Tallyho and Happy Xmas to you all!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel




Friday, 19 December 2014

Lord Noel's Xmas Crackers

Whatto! Pepys...


Tom Smith invented crackers as a way of introducing some excitement into an otherwise gaudy table ornament and Tom went on to become the owner of a company which still exists today and very rich man!
Because the cracking noise from the cracker was sooooo exciting they had to put so called 'jokes' inside each one which were designed to calm one down again.
I robustly reject this premise, which may have been relevant in Victorian times but serves no earthly purpose in todays adrenaline sodden society.
So here are my offerings for alternative cracker insertions (jokes) for 2014!

Q: What does a transvestite do for xmas? 
A: Eat, drink and be Mary  

Q:Why can't you smoke in Santa's workshop? 
A: Because you'ld be an elf hazard. 

Q: Son 'Mum can I have a dog for xmas?' 
A. Mum: 'No you'll have a turkey like everyone else' 

Q: What do reindeer put on their xmas trees? 
A: Hornaments 

Q: What do angry mice send each other at xmas? 
A: Cross Mouse cards 

Q: What do you call a snowman on a warm day? 
A: A puddle 

Q: Which athlete is warmest at xmas? 
A: A long jumper 

Q: What do you call a fear of climbing down chimneys? 
A: Santaclaustrophobia 

Q: How do you make Santa cry? 
A: Tweak his sack 

Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman? 
A: Can you smell carrots? 

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 
A: Because it could no longer afford the over inflated fares on public transport!

Q: Why did the Xmas bauble text his ex? 
A: He was totally out of his tree 

Q: Why did Rudolph have dry flaky skin and a red rash around his nose? 
A: He was suffering from Xma-s 

Q: If atheletes get tennis-elbow what do fighter pilots get? 
A: Missile toe 

Q: What did the condiments say to each other during xmas dinner? 
A: Seasons greetings! 

Q: Who tests the toy guitars by singing and playing 'Blue xmas' with them? 
A: Elf-is 

Q: Turkeys always have more feathers on which side? 
A: The outside 
  
Q: What do you get if you eat xmas decorations? 
A: Tinsilitus 

Q: Who secreted messages inside the xmas food? 
A: Mince spies
  
Q: What's the difference between a foot spa and a bad drummer? 
A: A foot spa bucks up the feet


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Lord Noel On Kid's Movies

Whatto! Pepys...


Has anyone seen the latest Paddington Bear Movie yet?
I don't want to give anything away...but.....
...the ending's a bit of a shocker!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 15 December 2014

Lord Noel On Nativity

Whatto! Pepys....



Are you looking forward to celebrating Xmas? Some people have suggested to me that Xmas isn't just about the Winter Solstice and the birth of the new sun and that I should also be mentioning the a baby was born in Bethlehem who went on to become nailed to a cross by Jewish people after saying lots of controversial things like "Love each other" and "Money cannot buy you a place in Heaven" and I have been told that a nice Nativity scene would be a suitable decoration for a virtual blog like this.
But that brings me to a whole different issue:
The picture above features defenceless vegetables that have been ripped out of their beds naked and then deliberately disfigured purely for the gratification of people who feel strongly about the Nativity. These vegetables have given their lives willingly but are forced to wither in unnatural heating conditions and face the remaining moments of their unproductive lives in utter humiliation.
Please give generously this season - for homeless and humiliated vegetables everywhere!
I for one will not tolerate this kind of cruelty at Xmas - and as a useful protest I have constructed this 'alternative' Nativity scene which I know will be well utilised by everyone visiting Virtual Manor this Chriitmastide! Yum!

Happy Holidays everyone!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Lord Noel On Another Voice To Be Heard

Whatto! Pepys...


To the casual observer a Nation like the United States would appear to be capable of any amount of violent action against any other country in the world, without suffering any kind of backlash.
Politicians are, as usual, trying to appear hard on 'Crimes' commited by a Dictator they may wish to dethrone and the ideal people to carry out the Government's bidding are, of course, those from the poor and working classes who sign up for a career in the Armed Forces to defend their flag against an enemy they do not know and will only get to know through invasion and destruction.
When there are no longer enough people available to send to the front lines there's always the good old Drones to fall back on. President Obama recently criticised the ongoing violence in Ferguson whilst continuing to fire missiles from drones in Pakistan killing innocent men, women and children in the process.
As a result there are now a large number of people in the world who feel rather aggrieved by the apparently unchecked actions of the US and public opinion worldwide is slowly turning against those very Armed Forces that carry out their Government's bidding so unquestionably.
Meanwhile, within the US itself, the land of the free - and the structure of Democracy that is being so charitably forced upon the rest of the world - is showing sign of subsidence with huge cracks appearing everyday in it's corrupted infastructure.
When one sees the American public being subjected to increasing homelessness, massive suicide rates amongst veterans, GMO foodstuffs and chaos surrounding any kind of affordable healthcare - to mention a few - one cannot help but wonder exactly whose interests the Government have in mind.
Ferguson is perhaps a perfect example of where the inequalities within America show themselves loud and proud. And the public must be increasingly concerned when 'their' Police officers turn out onto 'their' streets in armoured vehicles meant for 'War Zones' like Afghanistan armed with sniper rifles meant for the same calibre of enemy. Surely the voice of the people isn't being silenced by some kind of neo-fascism? The right to free speech (we continually hear) has been written into your Declaration of Independence has it not?
If people are not able to voice their concerns in safety frustration will soon follow.
The Media continue to try to divert people's attention from what is going on with their corporately biased news reports and mindless pap like 'X Factory' and 'Whoever has talent' - specifically designed to amuse and to stop people from seeking the truth out for themselves.


"Everything's fine here in Corporate America!" (the Banksters would have you believe) but have you had a look at the running total of your Government deficit recently?
wtf?
Who knows? Maybe Ferguson is a sign of something? An American Spring? A contrived conflict which will lead nicely to Marshall Law and dramatic gun controls? A sign of the long running inequality that still hasn't been addressed within US society? A convenient distraction towards the black people as 'trouble makers' whilst Bankers and corrupt Politicians slip - unnoticed - out of the back door with their loot?
That is why I like to highlight the voices of people who are trying to get their voices heard above the media frenzy. People like Molly Crabtree....
...an extremely talented and articulate Artist who illustrates and narrates her version of events here:




Everyone has a chance to be heard - do they not?

The excellent Ms Crabtree's website is here:  http://mollycrabapple.com/about/

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Thursday, 11 December 2014

Lord Noel On Health





Whatto! Pepys...


Our illustrious House of Commons (which ironically houses the largest numbers of privileged persons in the Queendom) can regularly be viewed on the completely unbiased BBC channel which televises all the goings on of our elected representatives.
As one can see from the above collection of images - they are somewhat selective about the discussions they attend! Adding more weight to the generally held belief that they are corrupt, money grabbing, self serving individuals who are there to extract as much as possible from the system before it collapses in tatters.
My own belief is that if I ever really needed a Member of Parliament I could depend on one!
One in particular - my Uncle Raymond the MP! har har!
He has recently been telling me very earnestly to make sure I look after my health!


I wondered what he meant then I discovered that this year our busy MPs have been very noticable in the dexterity in which they are slowly dismantling our precious NHS (National Health Service) from which a lot of MPs stand to make many a pretty penny!
In days gone by, this sort of behaviour at the Nations Expense would have been regarded as outright corruption of the highest order - but thanks to the actions of the Bankers, this sort of behaviour is now regarded as completely ordinary!
So...FILL YOUR BOOTS! ...because 'American Health Care' - here we come!
And don't you worry about the British Public....
...we have our stiff upper lips...
(for which we will no longer be able to afford medical treatment)
...but when things get totally out of hand, that old True Grit of the British Bulldog will bubble slowly to the surface...and... mark my words.... there will be protests!
Oh yes!





Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Lord Noel On Xmas Hits

Whatto! Pepys...



Xmas is traditionally a time when stimulants of every kind surface to make an appearance as we celebrate the enhanced Yuletide nuances.
The first 'hit' I have to impart is taking part in our village Panto!
The smell of the grease paint!
The dazzling stage lighting!
The music!
The colour!
The Spectacle!
The boos!
The chairs being thrown onto the stage!
The rush for the emergency exit!
....all make up one hell of a xmas 'hit'!
The second 'hit' is Chocolate!
This treat can be enjoyed in the comfort of ones own home and quickly becomes littered in evergreen trees as 'offerings' to the great and universal Earth Mother as we pig out on this sugary confectionary for at least three days in order to put back on all that lovely weight we managed to lose by starving ourselves during the two weeks prior to Xmas!
Sugar is the most addictive rush 'hit' one can instantaneously get without venturing into illegal territory.
Food is our next major 'hit' and if you are anything like us, we like to eat enough food to keep a small African country going for a month or two! Har har!
Three full days of totally gorging oneself to excess on various chocolate products and meats and vegetables  and mincepies and trifles and wine and port and cheeses is well worth any kind of diabetes scare - because without it, this celebration is just not what I call XMAS!
Yum!
The next 'hit' is booze!
...and LOTS of it!
We are all indoors for several days together with endless amounts of sugar, food and alcohol which seems like a wonderfully traditional way to celebrate the passing of the shortest day of the year and the rebirth of the sun!
Adding loads of booze to any equation is a VERY Xmas solution (solution get it?)...
...what could possibly go wrong?



The next 'hit' is consumerism!
And thankfully we've already been heavily initiated into the regular 'hit' of consumption long before the festive season arrives having already had MONTHS of it!
Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Buy Something Thursday and Debt Wednesday have all played their part to give us that high we get when we make that 'special purchase' for a child or loved one.
The 'thing' that will make their eyes open wide in wonderment for a brief moment as they rip asunder the expensive and carefully folded wrapping paper to reveal the expensive electronic gadgetry hidden within which, thankfully, already has obsolescence carefully built-in so we don't need to fret about next years pressies because all these will be out of date by then!


And that look in their little faces is worth every single repayment we have to make for the rest of the year (and beyond) as we try to repay the exorbitant interest rates we've been charged...... isn't it?
The next 'hit' is GOLD!
Yes it's that time of year when us privileged persons like to take stock of our bullion reserves and make sure any available cash has been translated into the yellow stuff. It holds it's value don't you know? Long after that paper stuff has become as worthless as the prewar German deutschmark....

 ....and the 'hit' of counting ones stash (made mainly from selling you the tat you end up giving each other at unrealistically high interest rates) makes this time of year VERY special indeed!
Jesus had the right idea!
Gold just has to be in there somewhere!


Tallyho! & Festive Greetings!

(ps...any default on your loan could easily put your home at risk)

Best wishes - Lord Noel

Saturday, 6 December 2014

Lord Noel On Empowerment

Whatto! Pepys...


There is a very well known Comedian here in England who you may already know abroad as Mr Perry but here we know him simply as Russell Brand.
He has undergone several noticeable changes and personal developments which, to the casual onlooker, could appear to be a series of genuine 'enlightenments' - the sort one might expect to notice in someone following a Buddhist lifestyle.
But here is an ordinary man who has developed the gift of the gab and a knack of seeing the comical in ordinary life which has given him the financial independence he needed.
Now he is adding his not inconsiderable weight behind causes and concerns that the so-called Politicians (remember them? ...supposedly elected to represent the ordinary person, but increasingly revealing that their real loyalties lie more with the rich and very financially influential Corporations) have turned their corrupt and self-serving backs on.
Those MPs will rue the day when they arrogantly neglected the electorate, because together the people are unstoppable and their voices WILL be heard.
Thanks to REAL people like Mr Brand!

Are you tired of the Corporate Controlled media?
Do you long for news of the successes of ordinary persons?
Do you want to hear News that empowers you instead of seeking to keep you locked in a cycle of fear?
Welcome to Russell's 'Trews' - The True News!


https://www.youtube.com/user/russellbrand


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Lord Noel On Xmas Presence

Whatto! Pepys...


Xmas is traditionally a time for consumption.
It's what baby Jesus would have wanted.
It's a time for buying unusual gifts for those we love.
'Presents' are obviously things that people will find useful...
... so this blog is about 'Gifts' 
- those things we buy that are fun to spend our hard earned money on 
but which serve no real purpose in anyone's life other than to brighten up their day.
A bit like giving Frankincense to a baby!

Something like....
...a years subscription to the provocatively mouldable 'Plasticine' Magazine...

 or
maybe you'd prefer a nice LP record for the barking mad?


or
you could give your loved one something that will get them putting their thinking hat on?


or
for the budding Naturalist...
a nice piece of Battenborough cake?


or perhaps...
a nice night out with a Celebrity?
(This one's Virgin on the ridiculous)


or
you could fork out for an unusual seafood meal?


(Welcome to the world of the deliciously pointy Caecilian!)

or
for the person who likes to take care of themselves...
...some nice hair conditioner?


or 
for that special person in your life 
who is blessed with a wonderfully dry sense of humour 


or
you could take them out to the cinema to enjoy a lovely film?
Can you tell what it is yet?


Yes...
it's a chick flick!

or
maybe you know someone 
who regularly enjoys a good hearty breakfast?


Lady Jacqueline has already asked me to help her identify my ideal Xmas 'Gift' 
and I have to admit that this year
I'm finding it particularly difficult to choose!

I find myself oscillating wildly between my desire to have...
.... a night out with Lady Gaga...
 

and
 my desire for
an unbiased media?


Decisions! Decisions!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Monday, 1 December 2014

Lord Noel Does History

Whatto! Pepys....



Some 52,000,000 years ago the landmass which we know today as India collided with the continent of Asia...
...and as a result of that collision the beautiful Himilayas were formed.
At the same time...

... a small Ant called Neville got stuck in some tree resin...
That tree resin was subsequently fossilised....
...and turned into Amber.
Those two things mean that today we have two beautiful things to admire from Nature.
One of them is the Himilayan mountain range...


...the other is Neville!
Say hello to Neville everyone!



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Sunday, 30 November 2014

Lord Noel On London

Whatto! Pepys...



If you fear the sight of a well toned naked man climbing buildings in London - look away now!
For this is a story of courage defiance and supreme skills.
It began when free running world champion Tim Shieff stripped off for an adventure and ended in this series of naked photographs of him climbing across buildings in central London.



The parkour athlete came up with the idea after holding a similar shoot in Greece.
It took place over four days last November and fellow free running expert Jason Paul took the pictures.
'These shots would not have been possible for a normal photographer,' Mr Shieff, 26, said.
This is because the intrepid photographer too had to clambour up adjoining buildings to keep up with Shieff and get the desired angle for these amazing pics.


Shieff is a close friend of the Naked chef Jamie Oliver and the prints will be sold to raise money for Jamie Oliver's Food Foundation charity. A proportion of the money will go towards the TV chef's charity for disadvantaged children.


Mr Shieff regularly appears on the chef's YouTube channel as he is a leading figure in the vegan and raw food movements
Eight of the staggering images, costing between £100 and £600, can be bought as limited edition prints from www.beautifulcrime.com.



Tallyho!


Best Wishes - Lord Noel