Lord Noel's - Tips For The Lonely

Whatto! Peeps....

Sometimes I get lonely people writing to me, so to avoid any more letters like that I have written this list of things to make their life slightly more bearable.

1. Always keep a tin of brightly coloured red paint inside your car. That way, if you happen to witness an accident as you are driving along you can quickly pour it over yourself and pretend you were involved.

2. Divide your garden into a grid using small posts and lengths of string. You can now phone anyone in the world and describe to them your EXACT position, enabling them to plot it on a piece of graph paper in the comfort of their own home.

3. Each day of your life, make a detailed list of everything you do and then hand it in to your local Police station. Now, if a major crime occurs, officers can easily eliminate you from their enquiries.

4. Intelligent people always wear glasses. So to make yourself appear more intelligent simply use a spoon to make a red mark across the top of your nose.

5. Make your neighbours think you've bought an expensive snake such as a Python by going out into the back garden and simply placing a fork in your mouth and hissing loudly whilst wrapped up inside an old carpet.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel