Lord Noel's - Crime Prevention Tips

Whatto! Peeps.....

People keep asking me "How can I prevent myself being a victim of Crime?" and I say to them "Why ask me?...Do I look like a Bally Policeman?".....and some of them say "Yes!" so I've put together this list of Crime Prevention tips which are guaranteed to stop you being a victim of crime....or your money back!

1. You can start by taking simple measures like leaving a card in the front windows of your house which reads "No valuables kept in this house overnight".

2. If you are planning to leave your property vacant for any length of time just nip over to see your neighbours before you go. If you prise open one of their windows it will make their home a far more attractive proposition for burglars than yours.

3.  Why not give Burglars a taste of their own medicine by taking action before you go on holiday? Simply smash up the entire contents of your home with a sledgehammer and defecate on the carpet!

4. Avoid the embarrassment of appearing on the front pages of tomorrows National newspapers with a badly beaten, puffy face by always making sure that you keep massive amounts of cash in your home. Newspapers only report on attacks where a paltry amount has been stolen.

5. Always write your PIN number on the back of your bank cards! When you put it into the cash machine you won't be able to read it, but if you read it just before insertion and then repeat it over and over to yourself in a loud voice you will easily remember it!

6. If you are a car owner, why not paint an orange stripe down the side of your car? The simple addition of a cornflake packet on the roof with 'POLICE' written on it will deter even the most fool-hardy of thieves, especially as it's a statistical fact that none of them can read!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel