Lord Noel On Lying Shits`

Whatto! Pepys...

Arnold (from thhe Government) shows Murielle where the Statistics sign is

Everyday I see evidence around me of things that may not be as they first seem...

For example -

I've noticed the following increases have taken place on vital products and services...

Gas - UP - 30%↑

Petrol - UP - 13%↑

Water - UP - 18%↑

Rent - UP - 15%↑

Food - UP - 19%↑

Rail fares - UP - 20%↑   Bus fares - UP - 20%↑

And yet our Government continues to tell us that inflation is 2.2%!

Well.....

Either I'm a purple and green striped emu named Neville with a diamond tiara and pink waterwings....

...or they are being less than truthful with us.



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Lord Noel's Health Kick

Whattho! Pepys...

For Xmas this year my wife purchased a week of private sessions


at the local health club for me. Though still in great shape from when I

was on the under 14 chess team in Grammar school, I decided it was a good

idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone

named Tanya, who said she was a '26-year-old aerobics instructor and

athletic clothing model' - a likely story!



My wife seemed very pleased with how suddenly enthusiastic I was to get started.

They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress - so here goes:



Day 1.

Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but soooo worth it when I

arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something

of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me all of

the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She

seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think it was just

standing next to her, in THAT outfit of hers, that added about ten points.

Enjoyed watching the aerobics class - great spectator sport. Tanya was very encouraging as I did

my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a

little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is

going to be really GREAT.



Day 2.

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door today, but I made it. Tanya

had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then

she put weights on it! For heaven's sake woman! Har! Legs were a little wobbly on

the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth

while. Muscles ALL feel really GREAT.



Day 3.

Today I found out that the only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I

have developed a hernia in both of my pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I

didn't try to steer. I parked in the Gym carpark - on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little

impatient with me and told me my screaming was bothering the other club

members! The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair monster. Why

would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete

by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make

me live longer. Right now I can't imagine anything worse.



Day 4.

Tanya was waiting for me with her shiny vampire teeth in a full snarl. I

can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to

tie my shoelaces. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The

word "dumb" is in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until

she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing

machine. I SANK!



Day 5.

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human

being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not

in extreme pain I would certainly use it to hit her. She thought it would be a good

idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't

have triceps! And if you don't want any more dents in your precious floors don't hand me

those stupid barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went

to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a

science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been

someone softer, like a music, art, or social studies teacher? Bitches!



Day 6.

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I

lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight

hours of the Food channel. Felt full up afterwards.



Day 7.

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my

wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate

for a root canal.



Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Applauds A Fellow Moaner

Whatto! Pepys...

It has come to my attention that a fellow human being has similar issues regarding excessively obese personages who allow their form to encroach into other peoples lives in a selfish way.
His Blog can be found here and this is a transcript of the entry to which I refer:

"Dear Jetstar,


Do you like riddles? I do, that's why I'm starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What's fat as fuck, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That's right, it's the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.

As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn't a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.

Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne - Eau No. Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it's entirely possible that none of them actually saw me.

Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn't catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I'll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I've given them all the same surname - Couldnotgiveashit). After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how shit they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to which Giggly responded, "hehehe, they're for crew only, hehehe". I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.

I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgiveashit triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing, I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both "crew only" rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she's flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.

Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn't that exactly the same as having someone who can't control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that's why I'm demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row seat.

I'm also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I'm yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don't recover completely, I'll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay.

To discuss my generous compensation package, email me at: richwisken@hotmail.com, or tweet me at: @RichWisken

No regards,

Rich Wisken"     Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Gets Found Out

Whatto! Pepys...

This morning my wife found out that I really love Breakfast at Tiffany's.
She was so upset...
...she started to shout and throw things....
....and has told me I must stop seeing Tiffany.

I'm afraid that it's my attitude on sex which has got me into trouble before.
I always believed that I was going to have sex as much as possible before I got too old...
.... and ended up with that penile dementia.

  Tallyho!   Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Dating Agency

Whatto! Pepys...

I am pleased to announce that Brian
(the man who owns the bouncy castle)
has finally married Alice
(the lady who runs the coconut shy).
People are congratulating ME for organising their successful courtship...
... but I think...
... it was fête that brought them together

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Crime

Whatto! Pepys...

When I was younger I was so spoilt I had no idea of what was right or wrong.
Things became so bad that I was told if I stayed on that same path it was inevitable that I would slowly drift into a life of crime.
I remember the day I broke into the home of a Goodfellas actor, but got caught opening the safe in the living room by his children who I'd woken up.
That was the moment that I was really disappointed with myself.
I'd been planning that job for months....
... and I'd have gotten away with it too!
- if it hadn't've been for those Pesci kids!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Anagrams

Whatto! Pepys...

Yesterday I received this letter from an admiring fan who obviously knows how much I love puzzles.
I know that it contains a secret message but I haven't been able to work it out yet.
I believe it's probably Anangrams...
...you know...
...where the letters are rearranged to create a new word?
Sometimes the new words contain an uncany reference to the first word...
...like these examples...

Dormitory = Dirty Room


Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here come Dots

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity = Is No Amity

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness = Genuine Class

Semolina = Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Contradiction = Accord not in it

Astronomer = Moon Starer

Princess Diana = End Is A Car Spin

Now I really should get back to decyphering this message...
I would call my friend who is particularly good at these...
...but I can't seem to find my phone...


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Friends

Whatto! Pepys....

One of the great things

about having James Taylor

as a friend

is that

if I just call out his name,

wherever he is,

he'll come running!

Here he comes now!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Reading

Whatto! Pepys...

If you've come here expecting to read a review of the town called Reading I can reveal to you now that you are to be sorely disappointed, for I speak today of the joyous and uplifting pastime of reading from the printed word.
In this day and age we are most fortunate to have lived in an educated society where we have the benefit of having learned well the ubiquitous three R's (Reading, Riting and Rithmatic) in our various top-quality schools situated up hill and down dale throughout this noble land.
As far as the education system today is concerned my personal philosophy is "If it ain't broke, it probably didn't go to university."
The problem today, as I see it, is that every Tom Dick and Mary is writing about something or other and the quality can vary quite dramatically, sometimes with disasterous consequences.
Why even that Katie Price lassie has allegedly written several novels in her frutifully short life! Though I find that particularly hard to believe firstly because she comes from Essex and secondly because I cannot believe that she could ever catch sight of the keyboard.
I even heard that Elaine Paige & Tina Turner have recently combined to write a book which should be a real .....
.....treat.

One of the genres I have never understood, and therefore never enjoyed, is the Mystery novel.
I suppose one could say that this has remained a complete mystery to me! Har!
But seriously... why would anyone wish to confuse the human mind with needless deliberately fabricated mysteries, when life has enough genuine mysteries of it's own to offer us?
I have found that Mystery writing is very very over rated indeed, so I make a point of never purchasing any.
I have also found that one can make EVERY Novel a 'mystery novel' simply by never finishing it!


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Eating Out

Whatto! Pepys....

Lady Jacqueline and I very much enjoy eating out.
It's not because we don't enjoy home cooking... it's just that we like to try new things and discover all the exciting tastes that our excellent planet has to offer.
We like to take time to seek out any lovely local hostelry who has taken the time to produce sumptuous dishes of delight for us to salivate over.
Last week we went to a splendid Halal restaurant where you can order from the Allah carte menu and it was truly delicious!
The week before we went to a wonderful little Spanish Tapas bar which served us a delightful array of exotic flavours served with small Hispanic platitudes.
I fell in love with the place as soon as we arrived; the warm vibrant colours, the flamenco music strutting wildly from the oak brown speakers and everywhere the glimmering sight of highly polished maracas dangling from a well worn fishermans net! These few carefully thought out interior tricks set the scene brilliantly for as as we were shown to our table.
I just walked into the place and thought to myself ....
...¿por qué he venido aquí?
I suppose you could call it a señor moment.
As we left I pocketed one of the delightfully small Hispanic plates from our meal...
Lady Jacqueline was most upset about my habit of continually taking keepsakes from restaurants...
...but I guess I'm just someone who lives for the momento!



Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Joins The Program

Whatto! Pepys....

 
Some time ago I was sent a program called 'Love.exe'.
At first I thought it was a virus of some kind but when I checked it out it was totally clean.
I wasn't sure what to do, so I decided to get some proper instructions from the Help Line.
Here's what happened....


Me: Hello, this is Lord Noel speaking - I've been kindly sent a program called Love.exe - I was wondering if you can help me to use it?

Customer Service Rep: Certainly Lord Noel - can you install LOVE?

Me: I think so. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install it now. What do I do first?

Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART Lord Noel?

Me: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Customer Service Rep: What programs are running Lord Noel?

Me: Let me see.... I appear to have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called
HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs all prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off Sir?

Me: I really don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Me: (After several moments) Okay, I've done that. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Me: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Me: Oops!...I'm getting an error message already. What should I do?

Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?

Me: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

Customer Service Rep: Don't worry Lord Noel, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Me: So what should I do?

Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Me: Ah yes, I have it.

Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Me: Why, thank you.

Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Me: Got it! Hey! My HEART is filling up with some really super files! SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Me: Yes?

Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. Hopefully they will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Me: I will. Thank you for your help.

Customer Service Rep: You're welcome Lord Noel.




Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On 2014

Whatto! Pepys...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It's a brand new year!

Rise and shine!

Are you still a Virgin?

Or are you virgin on the rediculous?

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel



Lord Noel's New Years Eve

Whatto! Pepys...

Tonight is a very important night.

It will an opportunity to prove to many people whether you are capable of enjoying yourself amongst fellow humans in an acceptable way, despite having had copious amounts of potentially toxic liquid poured into your body over a short period..... or not.

You can beging to predict what sort of night someone will be having, once you have stolen a glimpse of the outfit they are proposing to dress themselves in.

I hate turning up at a party and finding that someone else there is dressed exactly the same as me...

so this year I shall be dressing like this...

Tomorrow is another day, but our behaviour tonight will entirely govern whether we wake up tomorrow feeling like this....

Hairy Styles

or like this....

Only time will tell!

Have a good one!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reviews 2013

Whatto! Pepys...

When one looks back over the happening of this year, one could very quickly become dispondent:

Wars are still raging throughout the so called 'Civilised' world.

Countries that were invaded still seem much worse off since they were given their enforced 'Liberation' by global oil seekers.

People who have protested peacefully have been arrested and disappeared from public view.

People who have exposed Government lies and deceptions have been locked up indefinitely as criminals or forced to leave the country and go into hiding.

Weather becomes more extreme and yet climate change still isn't being addressed by anyone.

Indeed weather control seems to be this years hot topic with tornados deliberately being started by technological advancements yet curable illnesses still claim too many lives each year.

Corruption in third world governments means vital supplies still do not reach the public but instead fall into the coffers of armament companies that feed on war and destruction.

Monsanto makes massive strides towards controlling the Worlds food supply with help from corrupt officials who move from positions in Govt to private corporations with sickening ease.

Meanwhile the now privatised energy companies increase their prices continually to maintain a healthy profit margin for their shareholders, despite their raw product prices dropping.

Innocent Muslims who were 'cleared for release' from Gitmo 11 years ago are still imprisoned there.

Here in the UK the NHS is being dismantled for the benefit of private companies.

Politicans and Royalty feed themselves from the trough of public money with such ferocious energy (as if time is somehow running out) whilst the public are having their benefits cut, having a tax imposed on them for having an extra bedroom and forced onto the 'Workfare' (Slave) system which allows big

Corporations to boost their profits by 'employing' people at no cost.

The deliberate manipulation of money by corrupt Banks that rig interest rates and launder Drug Money allow the rich to get richer whilst Foodbanks flourish.

and by the way...

Fukishima is leaking like mad but no-one wants to talk about that radioactive elephant in the room.

but....

there have been some lovely moments on which to reflect...

A Global revulsion by people who were against the premeditated invasion of Syria by USA an 'Alies' caused it to be put on hold!

Russia released the protestors from 'Pussy Riot'

People involved in Permaculture kept planting trees and helping to protect microcosms of Nature.

and here at Virtual Manor we kept feeding the Love that we ultimately share with our family and friends.

My gorgeous daughter became a happily married woman!

Who knows what 2014 will bring?

I suspect much more of the same...

But I am confident that there are enough people out there who are in touch with their humanity to keep us on track and help us make the World a better place.

There bally well better be!

But whatever else happens - just remember this...

As a Human being you have 46 chromosomes - which is only 2 less than an ordinary potato!
Your eyes are each composed of 130,000,000 photoreceptor cells.

In each of those individual photoreceptor cells there are 100,000,000,000,000 (trillion) atoms - and that amount is more than the number of all the known stars in the milky way galaxy!
A rainbow's existence is entirely because of the tiny conical receptors in your eyes. This is because animals without cones cannot see rainbows, but you can.
All of the colours you can see still only represent less than 1% of the entire electromagnetic spectrum but they include every colour of the rainbow.

You can also hear less than 1% of the entire acoustic spectrum, but this is the same limited acoustic spectrum from which we get Tschaicovsky, Elvis, Bach, Beatles, Led Zep and Pink Floyd.
The atoms in your body are almost 100% empty space and none of them are the ones you were born with.
As you are reading this you are on the shell of an amazing ball of earth and water that provides us with everything we could possibly need, and it is somehow floating through space at 220 Km per second round a galaxy of stars and planets that form part of a Galaxy created from a massive explosion that occurred millenia ago and all the vital atoms in you body originated in the belly of an exploding star. 

You're Special! 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Men

Whatto! Pepys....

Have you noticed how Men are like similes?
It's amazing how many similes can be extracted from observing the behaviour of ordinary mortal men. When one begins to look below their sweaty, hairy surface and get in touch with the underlying character of MAN it becomes so much easier!
So.... I have to ask.....
How well do you know men and how they behave?
Prove that you really understand men by simply completing these common Similes....

(Answers below)


MEN SIMILES
1. Men are like department stores because ...
2. Men are like holidays because ...
3. Men are like computers because ...
4. Men are like coolers because ...
5. Men are like chocolate bars because ...
6. Men are like good coffee because ...
7. Men are like horoscopes because...
8. Men are like plungers because ...
9. Men are like cement because ...

(scroll down for answers)
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

ANSWERS:


1. Their clothes should always be half off.
2. They never seem to be long enough.
3. They're hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
4. If you load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
5. They're sweet and smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
6. The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night long.
7. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
8. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
9. After getting laid, they take a long time to get really hard.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Carols

Whatto! Pepys...

I trust your Xmas was a joyous occasion filled with merriment and fun!

We love to gather together inside the Pianobar at that time of year and roast our chestnuts over the fire whilst singing Carols around the pianoforte, tinkled by yours truly.

Generally alcohol is served quite early in the day over the festive period because it's what Jesus would have wanted. I also find that Booze, served liberally over the tonsils, helps to loosen the voicebox and the spirit is soon soaring and coming up with some very interesting lyrics.

Here are a few of the corkers for your delectation and delight!

Deck the halls with Buddy Holly.

We three kings of porridge and tar.

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me.

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

Noel! Noel! Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim.

Olive the other reindeer.

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say.

Sleep in heavenly peas.

In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown.

You'll go down in Listerine.

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse soap and hay.

O' come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On Pugelism

Whatho! pepys...

Here in Ukland we are World reknown for our long and luxurious heritage which stretches into the mists of yesterdayness for a very, very, long, long, way, way - echoing through time like the soft hair running down the taut spine of a well manicured werewolf.
Once Xmas day is finally consigned to the landfill of historyville and everyone has finished celebrating the birth of the baby Santa by toying with their gifts, jousting together playfully in their highly competitive carbohydrate consumption competitions and singing fantasy rhymes to each other around an innocent pianoforte, things can quickly turn very nasty. When one adds to the mix, for good measure, a few good measures of alcoholic beverages, it is easy to see why the Xmas cheer suddenly runs out and the overwheming urge to lovingly throttle someone close to one completely takes one over.
That is precisely why we Brits invented boxing day!
It is a very well guarded secret here in the UK, but a short perusal of Police incident records reveals just how popular traditional Boxing Day celebrations really are.
Up and down the country families are warming squeezing each other by the neck in joyfull celebration of this honourable tradition.
There are rules of course, but the rules are there just to satisfy Health and Safety requirements and bears very little relevance to the actual Boxing itself.
The first Rule of Boxing Day (or 'Fight Club' as it is known here at Virtual Manor) is 'Don't ever wear plimsoles as they leave black marks on the floor'.
That is why, on this very special day, you will frequently find my good lady wife wearing her customary wooden Dutch clogs. I bought these for her one Xmas past, in an unusual act of kindness which secretly benefits me during our Boxing Day rituals as it dramatically slows down her footwork whilst I am jabbing with my left and also distracts her with the added risk of splinters as I am preparing for a crafty uppercut to her chin.
I would thoroughly recommend this past time for one and all!
Not only is it great entertainment when all there is to watch on TV is the Unelected Dictators Speech but it is also a wonderful way for a family to bond together, lose weight together and also build up a tremendous appetite together!

Happy Boxing Day!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Xmas Greeting

Whatto! Pepys...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SANTA!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel On 'John The Inexperienced'

Whatto! Pepys...

Well here we are again at Xmastide!
And I trust you are having a splendid one...
It began sometime in October and involves spending as much money as possible on cosumer items.
(It's what Jesus would have wanted)
Speaking of Mr J, I recently visited our local church because they were having their annual exhibition of Nativity displays and every local group was encouraged to show their own take on the infamous Nativity scene.
The exhibition was quite extensive and apparently this year they'd been encouraged to be 'as creative as possible'!
Unfortunately, in an embarrassingly controversial incident Mrs Wilson's entry on behalf of the knitting circle had to be disqualified as she was found trying to re-use her wonderful knitted rendition of the last supper.
She was punished by having both of her rich tea biscuits removed.
However, she did receive lots of praise from our enthusiastic local recycling club.
She was last seen in the darkest corner of our small library furiously knitting a full sized crucifix mumbling "I'll show them!"...




Word had already spreading around our Town which was buzzing with chat about how fresh and innovative this year's entries were. I must admit that although I was expecting to see the same old hackneyed set-ups as before even I was pleasantly surprised by the fresh take that so many groups had demonstrated (although I don't get out much these days). The entry above, for example, is from our local carpenter and the Scene below was entered by our local 'No Longer Smokers' nicotine support group...but I think it's not a patch on last years entry.

Yes there were plenty of exciting versions of this popular theme to feast one's eyes on.
And the idea of a middle eastern Superman being born in an animal's food trough still excites many of us agriculturally based personages.
But I was drawn to one Scene in particular which was still being set up by a group of small school children...



This one from our local Butcher was very popular




A sweet entry from our local confectioner


A 7-year old child was putting the finishing touches to their large crayon drawing of the Nativity, which although childishly primitive in execution, did hold a certain charm.



Whimsical work from our local Duck Farmer



Cutting edge stuff from our local Crafting Group


The picture was a very good rendition of the Nativity scene, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus.



A brooding scene from the Mother's Union



Flamboyance at it's best from our local Drama Group


However, I couldn't help noticing that there was, what appeared to be a fat man standing in the corner of the stable, who just did not seem to fit in.
When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, That's Round John Virgin."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks "Why Not?"

Whatto! Peeps...

Xmas needn't be an expensive time of year.

There are many ways to have fun and spend very little

(or so I've been told)

So here's one I learned from one of our locals. 

Why not?

turn a normal tin of Quality Street confectionary 

into a fun 'Lucky Dip'?...

...by simply topping it up with sand.


Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel