Lord Noel's Ideal Home

Whatto! Peeps....

If I ever build a house...

...I want it to be one like this...

...organic...

...deceptively simple...

...lovely

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Offers This - For Those Who Love Screwing

Whatto! Peeps.....

As a lover of unusual things I was delighted when the hugely talented Dave Gorman recently pointed me towards the work of Andrew Myers.

He's a man after my own heart....
...he loves screwing.

And although these days I prefer to use mechanical labour saving devices....
...the outcome of his screwing is more impressive than any flat pack furniture.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Reveals Today's Word - 'Sustainability'

Whatto! Peeps....

Imagine a World where 'sustainability' is important....
...and I don't mean the 'sustainable growth' that George Osborne was talking about yesterday...
(a complete oxymoron if ever I've heard one)
...by this I mean a system whereby we do not strip the World of it's natural resources at such a rate that we don't consider our consequences or the impact it's having on our planet...
...and future generations....
...but WAIT!
I'm going far too fast.....
...Let's start with Fridgefast Ltd.......(they're a company that make Fridges).....but they need to sell lots to maintain year on year growth......
....so they hit on a great idea and make sure that their fridges only last 5 years....
....that way every 5 years someone needs to replace their fridge with a new one....
...and sales are maintained!
"Yippppeeee!"....The shareholders say as profits go up....
...but so do the amount of old fridges thrown away into landfill sites all over the world....
...but that's of no concern to Fridgefast because they are just focused on manufacturing Fridges....
...they really don't care about what happens to them once they leave the factory....
....and why should they?
But....I hear you cry.....
....this is the way we've always done it!....
....and it's got us to where we are today!....
.....as a highly productive Nation with a high standard of living!
And THAT's precisely the point.
We have oceans of wine.......
....warehouses of butter.....
....clothes mountains.....
....and famine whenever we need it.

(thanks to Roger Waters)
The rich get richer and the poor stay poor.....
....as the Earth slowly gives up it's treasures for us to squander......
....riches that cannot be replaced.
So I ask in all honesty......Can this behaviour be.......... SUSTAINED?
I think we all know the answer.....
...but what's the alternative?
Get rid of the nonsensical notion of 'sustainable economic growth'....
....stop making PROFITS our only aim in life......
....it only feeds the greed that we see illustrated each day by top level employees in Banking Institutions.
How about a change of heart?....
....a movement towards enabling people to contribute because they want to?....
....because they believe that they will all benefit from a better life?
And I don't mean just higher income....
...I'm talking about feeling better inside because they've done something to help others and made themselves feel better in the process.....a co-operative solution?
Already I can hear some people switching orf.....
...."This Guy's a weirdo!" etc etc
But a change is coming.....
....because it HAS to come!

For too long we have worshipped the false Profit....
....and our values have to change.....
...to a system that encourages nature instead of battling against it with pesticides?.....
...that allows nature to run it's course instead of trying to control it with vast landscapes of just one crop?.....
....that focuses on giving people a product that lasts instead of one that's designed to fall apart as soon as the warranty runs out?......
....and it's all summed up......
...in ONE simple word.......
SUSTAINABILITY.
Go on......give it a go!...
....what have you got to lose?
...except ....
.....everything?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Watteau! Peeps!"...

Whatto! Watteau!.... 

If you're in London soon don't forget to check out his exhibition at the Royal Academy until Sunday Jun 5th.

Although his finished work is very admirable, I find myself drawn to his sketches which reveal so much more.

Time Out describes it as "Over 80 works on paper by the eighteenth-century French artist, known for his fêtes galantes images depicting social gatherings and for his subtle drawings using a combination of red, white and black chalks."

Jean-Antoine Watteau (French pronunciation: [ɑ̃twan vato]; October 10, 1684 – July 18, 1721) was a French painter whose brief career spurred the revival of interest in colour and movement (in the tradition of Correggio and Rubens), and revitalized the waning Baroque idiom, which eventually became known as Rococo.

He is credited with inventing the genre of fêtes galantes: scenes of bucolic and idyllic charm, suffused with an air of theatricality.

Some of his best known subjects were drawn from the world of Italian comedy and balle.

 Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on 'Total Lunacy'

Whatto! Peeps....

It might be the arrival of this weeks BIG MOON....

....but I sense that something darker is afoot.....

....something sinister......

....something that will ease those rusted wheels of commerce.

For despite my protestations

I find we are now AT WAR with Libya.

The beginning of a potentially long and drawn out 'intervention'....

...where we try to control their sky....

....by firing countless Cruise Missiles at them

aiming (of course) at so called 'Safe Targets'

which we are assured have all been 'properly researched'

(not like the Governments Weapons of Mass Destruction dossier then?)

....and in the process

we promise not to kill any more civilians than Gaddafi has already.

And so Britain

teetering on the edge of Bankruptcy

gets involved yet again...

...all 'perfectly legal' (this time)..

says Cameron

and Gaddafi says it's going to be a 'Long, drawn out War'

and promises 'revenge' on the West

for our acts of 'terrorism' against Libya.

If this all sounds very familiar...

...that's because it is.

We had fifteen years of enforcing a 'no fly zone' over Iraq 

until patience finally ran out

they could see the oil burning 

but didn't yet own it.

Deja Vu

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Reality Cheque

Whatto! Peeps.....

I was a little concerned when I read recently that our wonderful Prince's future Family in law were releasing scratch cards to raise extra money! It made me wonder whether the engaged couple too might be struggling to manage after they are married.

While William and Kate are reportedly planning to stay put in their remote North Wales cottage after the wedding next month, I certainly expect them to move into one of the more lavish palaces some time soon.

Yet, without their royal titles, what could the couple really afford?

Based on Prince William's salary of £37,170 from the RAF, which is the couple's only job-based income since Kate stopped working for her parents' company earlier this year, the couple could afford a mortgage of around £142,246.

If they remain living rural North Wales as reported, there are some real bargains available, with a three-bedroom semi-detached house near Llandudno Junction offering views over the rooftops to Conwy, the castle and hills beyond costing around £142,000.

In Cardiff they could afford a four-bedroom terrace house near the Millennium Stadium, while in Manchester their budget could get them a fifth floor flat with balcony in the new Green Quarter.

If they opted to stay closer to Windsor, the funds don't stretch as far and the couple would be limited to a two-bedroom bungalow which is a rebuilt mobile home.

In Westminster they could afford little more than a parking space close to Hyde Park.

Dashed lucky then, that Prince William (or rather "His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis of Wales, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter") also receives income from the trust established on the death of their mother and from their father’s Duchy income! Phew!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Introduces The New Lodger

Whatto! Peeps

We recently took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. Goodness knows why....but I chose her from a bunch of photographs we'd been sent.....she seemed like the best of a bad bunch.
We've been doing a lot of DIY here recently and I have proved my prowess in that department already by falling off the bally ladder! I remembered afterwards that my lovely wife had positioned it on a dust sheet that slipped out of the way whilst I was up it!....
Luckily I didn't die otherwise she would have been a very rich lady!
Anyway, our new lodger asked if she could have a bath, and Lady Jacqueline told her we didn't currently have a bath as the bathroom was undergoing some extensive repairs, although if she wanted to, she could use an old tin bath in front of the fire........ 

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," Lady J told her. 

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.... 

After I had gone to the pub for my darts match, Lady J filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She told me later that she was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any public hair. I didn't believe her, so she said: 
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.." 

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, Lady Jacqueline asked her: 

"Do you shave?" 

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" 

"Oh, yes," said Lady J, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really quite generously endowed in the 'follicational department'. 

Then the girl went to bed and I came indoors, and Lady J asked: 

"Did you see it?" 

"Yes," I said, "but why did you have to go and show her YOURS?!"

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before!" 

 

"I know," I said, "but the bally darts team hadn't!"...

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "WOMEN! .....Educate Yourselves!"

Whatto! Peeps.....

As someone who sincerely believes that women are virtually equal to men in many respects I would like to encourage each one of our lovely ladies to improve their lives by attending some useful classes that have come to my attention. (Due to the complexity of some of the issues discussed, places are limited to 8 ladies per class.)

Class 1
"How To Adjust A Heating Thermostat so the house doesn't feel like an Amazonian jungle"
Step by Step Guide, with Powerpoint Presentation.
Meets 4 wks. Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7 p.m.

Class 2
"Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, Or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?"
Round Table Discussion around fully operating lavatory appliances.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 3
"Is It Possible To Drive Past A Beautiful Woman Without Finding Fault With Her?" 

Group Debate followed by real life driving role play.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 4
"Fundamental Differences Between A Purse..... And A Suitcase"

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics followed by a demonstration with real luggage.
Meets Saturdays at 2 p.m. for 3 weeks.

Class 5
"Jewellery and Shoe Shops - Do we really have to look into the window of every Single one?"

Group discussion led by a leading withdrawal therapist
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesdays and Thursdays for 2 hours beginning at 7 p.m.

Class 6
"How To Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During The Programme."
Help-Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 weeks, Friday's and Sundays 7 p.m.

Class 7
"Can A Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds Of Soaps And Shampoos?"
Open Forum and presentation from Body Shop representative
Mondays at 8 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 8
"Health Watch -- They Make Medicine For PMS -- USE IT!"

Discussion Group - followed by distribution of free medicine!
Meets three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7 p.m. for 2 hours.

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on 'Baby's Modern Day Alphabet Book'

Whatto! Peeps.....

Rewriting classic works of literature goes on all the while.....

.....and Baby's First Book is no exception....

....and as you can see - it's been brought up to date to make it more relevant for today's children....

A is for APPLE

 B is for BLUETOOTH

 C is for CHAT

 D is for DOWNLOAD

 E is for EMAIL

 F is for FACEBOOK

 G is for GOOGLE

 H is for HEWLETT PACKARD

 I is for IPHONE

 J is for JAVA

 K is for KINGSTON

 L is for LAPTOP

 M is for MESSENGER

 N is for NERO

 O is for ORKUT

P is for PICASSA

 Q is for QUICK HEAL

 R is for RAM

 S is for SERVER

 T is for TWITTER

 U is for USB

 V is for VISTA

 W is for WIFI

 X is for XP

 Y is for YOUTUBE

 Z is for ZIPFILE

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Sexing Up Insurance

Whatto! Peeps....

One of my very dear friends has pointed out that there is a recognised correlation between the type of Insurance Provider you choose AND the type of sex you like!

It's all based on subliminal advertising!....

....VERY revealing!

 If you like....

Sex with your wife – Legal & General.

Sex with your future wife – Mutual Trust.

Sex with your long term partner – Standard Life.

Sex with your secretary – Employer’s Liability.

Sex with a prostitute – Commercial Union.

Sex on the telephone – Direct Line.

Casual Sex with different partners – Go Compare.

Sex with a lady boy – Confused.com 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel