Lord Noel Is Taught A Lesson

Whatto! Peeps.....

Children can teach us sooooo much can't they?

I was asked to give a lesson to our local junior school, and I decided to teach the pupils about Canada - and we talked about the lifestyle and diet of the Inuits.

That led on nicely to what they each had for breakfast. 

 To add a spelling component, I asked each of them to spell their answers.

Susan put up her hand and said "I had an egg, 'E-G-G'."

 'Very good Susan', I said.

Peter said "I had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'."

'Excellent.' I beam.

Johnny, a small dishevelled lad, had his hand up and I called on him.

'I had fuck all', he said, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.

I was a bit shocked by this brusque response.....but, if it was true, I felt that I couldn't really scold Johnny answer......just the fact that it was rather rude.

Johnny went quiet...... and I turned the lesson to geography.....

I asked the students some rudimentary questions.

"Susan what's the Capital of Cananda?" I asked.

"Ottowa!" she quickly responded.

"Peter which ocean is off Canada 's east coast?"

"The Atlantic!" Peter exclaimed excitedly

Then I turned to Johnny........

....and remembering his previous response I decided to ask him something more taxing.....

"Johnny", I began, "Where is the Canadian border?"

Johnny pondered the question for quite some time, and finally says, "The Canadian boarder is in bed with my mother.......

......which is why I got fuck all for breakfast".

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Notices Goldilocks Got Arrested

What ho! Pepys....

And now a TRUE story from Christchurch, New Zealand.....
.....which would create a bizarre dilemma...
....for any man.
The question is......
What would you do, if you returned home.....
.....and found an attractive blonde....
.....passed out in your bed?
Ms Vanessa Joy Long, 39, who has long blonde hair tied back in a ponytail....
.....is described as a "Goldilocks-style burglar".....
(I like to think of her like this....)

......after she raided a fridge, drank the alcohol, ate food and tried on clothes.....
.....she fell fast asleep in the family bed.
When her 'victims' returned.....
....they decided to phone the Police!
(And so, of course, would I......
....eventually!)
Ms. Long, pleaded guilty in Christchurch District Court, saying "I blacked out after entering the house through an unlocked back door and have no idea what happened."
The home-owner is seeking $1,050 in damages for "damage to the bedding and mattress", and "the cost of food and drink" taken from their home in Christchurch.
Judge Stephen Erber remanded Ms. Long on bail for sentencing until September 1.
I'd just like to say to Ms Long that if you ever come to Britain, I have waiting just for you - a fully stocked bar, plenty of food and some skimpy clothing!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Ooops! We Did It Again...."

What ho! Pepys....

Those immortal words....

....first uttered in public by Britney Spears...

...sum up Englands performance today....

.....in the long awaited show down....

....against our arch enemies....

....the dreaded Germans...

....who thrashed our Brash Brittanic Botties in a 4-1 (2 really) win in Sud Afrika.

It was always going to be a game of two halves.....

....and (as I said to David Beckham in our telephone conversation during half time) .....

....I said " David, if England can just manage to score 3 more goals we can actually draw with the Krauts....

....and then face them in a penalty shoot-out...

...which we might not lose!"

I think we would have been much better chosing a completely different venue for this very imprtant match.....

....I'm surprised at the Manager not opting for the smaller, and little used, Kraptorian Stadium....

....which lies further South.

On that pitch....

....with England playing left to right....

....the second half would have been very much more interesting.

So....

.....with England's World Cup dreams finally lying in tatters......

...and the tears of dejection being sobbed uncontrollably into the dressing room of time....

.....it's a final 'goodbye' to England.....

....who can now return to their overpaid jobs at their famous clubs....

....and regain their confidence as true Celebrities.....

.....by playing with other players....

....who may just recognise the idea of 'Team'

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Asks So You Think You Know GOD?

What ho! Churchgoers....

We had a small quiz at our local church....

....and I was surprised how many correct answers there were!

But, as ever, the wrong answers were far more interesting....

"The first book of the Bible is Guinness's"

"In the book of Guinness Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree"

"Noah's wife was Joan of the Ark"

"Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears"

"Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments"

"The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple"

"The seventh commandment is 'thou shalt not admit adultery' "

"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night"

"Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles"

"The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he actually obeyed him"

"Unleavened bread is bread made with no ingredients"

"Solomon had 100 wives and 700 porcupines"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Meets A Loan Shark

What ho! Pepys....

Before going on a recent trip to Paris on business, I drove my Rolls-Royce to a well known London City bank and asked for an immediate loan of £5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.

"Here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," I said.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and, after filling in a couple of compulsory forms, gave me the £5,000.

Two weeks later, I walked through the bank's doors and asked to settle up my loan and get my car back. "That will be £5,000 in principal, and £15.40 in interest," the loan officer said.

I wrote out a cheque and started to walk away.

"Wait, sir," the loan officer said. "You are Lord Noel! Why in the world would you need to borrow £5,000?" And I just smiled and replied...

........."Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce for two weeks in London....

.....and pay only £15.40?"

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Says "Phew!"....and Far Between

Whatto! Pepys....

With a huge sigh of relief!....

...I can now announce the following....

At last the England team look like ....

....a TEAM!

The way they played together against Slovakia...

....and the resulting 1-0 score

(thanks to a brilliant flying kick from Jermaine Defoe) belies the skill which England successfully employed.

Suddenly they seem like a team to believe in!

No longer the collection of pampered celebrities being paid vast sums to run around in shorts!

There is a poetic and historic justice in being now drawn to play Germany....

....and no doubt there will be countless references to 1966 over the next few days.....

....and maybe the second World War too?

....Bally Heck!

It certainly took our mind orf the Budget which included huge hikes in VAT (something both Parties said would never happen if they were in power)......

"So the Politicians LIED to us?!"

Well THERE'S a surprise!

That's one team I will NEVER believe in....

....but thanks to them......

....and those greedy Bankers.....

....we'll all be seeing a lot less of this.....

Suddenly....the Football seems like a welcome diversion!

Come on ENGLAND!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Superative Solstice

Whatto! Pepys.....

At a secret location....

......somewhere on the East Coast of England......

.....a small band of like-minded individuals...

.....gathered surreptitiously together......

......their aim?

.....to enjoy the setting sun.......

...and Celebrate it's Solstice.....

.....The wine flowed....

....and the communally supplied picnic was enjoyed by all.....

....then.....

....slowly and almost imperceptibly.....

....the Chanting began!

A growing sound of voices.....

....within this tiny group of happy souls.....

.....enjoying the unique togetherness....

...that occasions like this help to create......

.....a joyous excitement......

....of spontaneous music......

....responding to Nature in all it's beauty.....

.....and I was gladdened to the centre of my Heart....

......to be a part of it.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes & Happy Solstice!

Lord Noel

Lord Noel Enjoys Daddies Day