Lord Noel As Smooth As Ever

Whatho! Pepys...

I now have several pet silk worms

and today I am organising 

for four of them to have a race...

...I'm hoping it's going to end up in a tie.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on King Lions

Whatho! Pepys...

At any given moment of the day or night 

the sudden compulsion that grips me to sing 

"The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

is only a whim away.

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Looks On

What ho! Pepys...

Amazing aren't they?

If you like these there's more here:

http://erdalinci.tumblr.com/

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel - Fashion Victim

Whatho! Pepys...

Today I asked my Butler to check through my wardrobe 

in an effort to find some suitable apparel for my 'Man-about-town' image. 

In the end he chose a very velvety tracksuit for me to wear

(I call it my 'tacky tracky'). 

I really didn't want to put it on...
...and I struggled with the idea of wearing it for some time... 

I fought velour, and velour won.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Techno Geordie

Whatho! Pepys...

Cheryl tries to manage ...using a pen

 

Those of us who speak in the proper Queen's English will remain unaffected by this 

but I've received news that the iPhone won't understand 'Geordie'

(Geordie are apparently a race of people who were kicked out of Scotland many years ago...

...and have been hanging round singing 'Fog on the Tyne' and having sex with Grandmothers ever since)

Lock Up Your Grandmothers!

If you are a Geordie and have recently bought an iPhone - Don't worry!

Apple have reliably informed me that if you return your iPhone to their branch in newcastle 

...they will send you their new 

whyiphone.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Shitty Day

Whatho! Pepys...

Yesterday I went to a hairdressers 

after finally getting tired 

of my rapidly growing, long and flowing locks.

I asked the Assistant for a number two all over. 

What happened next was horrid...

...and turned out crap!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Gayness

Whatho! Pepys...

Scientists have finally isolated the gay Gene,
and have trapped him inside a cupboard
while he sobs and whispers a prayer to Saint Gaga.
All I keep reading about recently is 'Gay Pride'!

Men marching about, waving flags, hugging each other.

Well I know several GAY people who I also know are really happy...

...one of them at my Club even told me he was a sucker for any new members he could get hold of.

And whilst I don't wish to have homosexual activity rammed down my throat

I am happy to live and let live...

but didn't anyone ever tell those chaps from Gay Pride...

...that Pride is a SIN?

Tallyho!

Best Wishes -Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Mummie's

Whatho! ...Pepys...

Because she likes 

Volcanic ash 

24 hours of darkness 

and 

People Who Kick Banksters Butts. 

That's why mum's gone to Iceland.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Gardening Uphill

Whatho! Pepys...

I love vegetables too...

but not quite as much as this man

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Goes Dogging

What ho! Pepys...

If, like me, you like to experience the wilder side of life and are forever on a quest to satify that craving for excitement that burns within you...

...you may be interested in the popular pastime of 'Dogging'.

I was surprised to find that it is something that is regular practised by a number of high profile personages.

There are several rules to Dogging which you would do well to adhere to.

I had to learn them the hard way!

First: Prepare your vehicle!

Nobody likes to get involved with a Dogger who doesn't take care of their 'wheels'.

Especially if you are thinking of entertaining someone inside it.

Lady J and myself spent ages getting our spare car into shape for our first dogging experience...

...and finally...

...it was ready!

Second: Don't expect too much the first time you go Dogging!
Lady J and myself were full of anticipation as we headed off in our car to the meeting place to mingle with other like minded Dogging enthusiasts but we always said to each other "If nothing happens at least we've had some fun preparing for it."

Fourth: Ask yourself "What am I after?"
Perhaps you are someone who loves meeting strangers?
Or you could be lonely and somehow disturbed?
Maybe you are doing it as 'research for a novel'? Yeah right...
Maybe you long to be someone else for one night?
or ...Perhaps you are a born show off and just love all the attention?

Fifth: Expect the unexpected!
Doggers come from all walks of life and are all shapes and sizes.
Even if you have spoken to someone on the telephone beforehand you may be surprised by their appearance when you first meet them. It is polite to try to hide any disquiet you may be feeling during this first encounter.

Sixth: Respect Doggers personal space!
Some Doggers have spent a lot of time getting themselves ready for their Dogging experience, preparing their vehicle interior for ages to make it perfectly comfortable for their fun time.
They will need to feel relaxed and safe within their personal space so it is important that you tread carefully and respect their personal needs by not doing anything sudden.

Seventh: Beware of Perverts!
Some Doggers are just depraved!
They love to shock others by behaving in bizzare and disturbed ways.
If you meet a Dogger like this and find it distasteful, just politely make your excuses and move on...
...thankfully all Doggers are not the same so you can still meet someone who is suitable to your needs.

8th: Beware of Interlopers!
As I mentioned earlier there will be many different types of Doggers with many different reasons for following this past time, but some Doggers are very odd and definitely not cut out for the Dogging experience. It may be that they have a personality defect, or are Retards or have a problem with their personal hygeine but I am sure that now you are aware of this point you will be on the alert for them.

9th: Always remember you may be being watched!
Whenever a group of Doggers decide to get together they will inevitably attract a following of Voyeurs. These are the types who prefer to stay at a distance and observe what is going on so they shouldn't  be a problem to experienced Doggers but novices may find them unnerving.

10th: Report any Criminal Behaviour!
Like any outdoor persuit, Dogging attracts it's fair share of weirdos and perverts.
If you spot someone acting in a criminal manner you may decided to record details of their behaviour and pass this information on to other Doggers. It won't be easy, but it could help protect someone else from this persons strangeness.

Lastly: Don't try too hard!
You will be excited and wound up like a spring and you will be desparate to make a good impression on strangers you have never met before....
... but the whole Dogging experience is meant to be fun and enjoyable so remember....
CHILL OUT!
....and try to relax

Post script:
At our particular Dogging meeting there was a particularly unsavory character who wanted to get involved where they weren't welcome. In the end they just watched from the sidelines but we took their pictures and passed it on to other Doggers so they became aware of this weirdo too!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on The Black Country

Whatho! Pepys....

My wife, the dear Lady Jacqueline,

can do a much better Black Country accent than I can. 

Thereby proving quite conclusively

that the female of the species 

is more Dudley than the male.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Politics

Whatho! Pepys...

It is a little known fact 

that the tower of Big Ben 

is leaning by 18 inches. 

That makes it 

the least bent thing in Westminster.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Attends The Police Ball

What ho! Pepys...

We were lucky enough to be invited to the Police Fancy Dress Ball

which raises lots of lovely money for those less fortunate than myself.

During the evening we also played some well-loved Party Games.

I even tried pinning the tail on the donkey...

...but there just wasn't enough evidence.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel