Lord Noel On Entertaining The Masses

Whato once more my virtual pals!

I trust I find you in fine fettle.........

I thought I would just recount to you the finer details of a little soiret I chanced to be involved in at a fine local establishment...........

On our arrival I happened to notice the glowing polished wooden presence of an upright pianoforte - something I am not unfamiliar with........

It wasn't long before our esteemed hosts cajoled me to pleasure them with sonnets of my own - and to demonstrate my obviously reknowned prowess on this finely toned instrument.....

I began with a rendition of "My lower body proportions are under medical investigation" - an original piece which I composed following a short visit to a nearby BUPA hospital....


This brought some genuine tears to the eyes of the gathering throng!

.......and much as they reguiled me for encores I stood my ground and refused politely to offer any more pieces of perfection agreeing merely to pose for photographs and the occasional autograph for those less seasoned followers......

It was then that the Maitre Di met me on my way to the table and shook my hand vigorously - and I couldn't help noticing that he too had tears welling up in his flabby yet friendly and welcoming eyes.............

"Please, please Lord Noel........... take this table - the best in the house!" and he led myself and Lady J to a small yet uncramped inglenook setting so that we might enjoy the evening undisturbed by the exited diners.

I stood and gave a small speech to thank my admirers and pleaded with them to rejoin their tables and have a lovely evening............... and they cheered once again.

It was then, as the applause slowly subsided, that the meal arrived..........

I told the waiter that I hadn't yet made our order with him but he simply stated that the proprietor knew that I loved their 'special steak' and that he had expressly asked that I accept this offering with his sincere compliments..............

Needless to say - we both partook of this spledid meal which completely defied descriptive adjectives or superlatives - suffice it to say that we were both completely satiated by the time we had partaken of the splendid dessert that accompanied it.............

We were then ushered to a snug room where, as we retired, we were offered the best wine from their cellars - 'On the house'!

Never have I known a more appreciative audience!

Now!...........On the odd chance that some of you may be thinking "How I too would love to be able to play such a tune when I am next in a restaurant to suitably impress any gathering" - I am reproducing the first verse here to give you a flavour of the piece.......

I offer this with delight and friendship to you, my virtual companion, but caution you to learn to use it sparingly to maximise its powerful effect!

A Doctor he once said to me

what is that growth upon your knee?

I answered him "Don't be a fool!

That is the bottom of my tool!"

I think you can gather from this the emotive quality of the piece how you can now develop the piece and make 'your own' as I have obviously done in my own time honoured fashion.

Good luck with your endeavours!

Best wishes and Tallyho!

Lord Noel