Lord Noel at The Boat Sale

What ho! Pepys...

Periodically my watery sea legs like to venture down to Great Yarmouth Docks...

...especially when they're running one of their 'Boat Sales'.

Just in case there are any 'Bargains' to be had.

When I last went to a boat sale down on the docks...

...a Sailor offered me a tug.

"Thanks" I said "But I'm just here for a boat".

 

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Going

Whatto! Peeps...

I know several lovely Doctors in the Medical Profession

and one recently told me about a patient of their's

....a man who hadn't been feeling well and had come in for a complete checkup. 

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results... "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the Doctor says.... 

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. Exactly how long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man interupts. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine... Eight..."

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Helps You Develop

Whatto! Peeps...

Due to a typographical error 'Stanley the Psycho' ended up in the fortune telling business

How to develop your Psychic abilities!

This week why not try eating the same mustard 

for several days running?

After a week you will begin to experience the strange mystical phenomena known as 

Dijon vu.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Has Achou

Whatto! Peeps...

 

Fouretufe

Fortuffe

Forrtify

Fortuffee

Fortophe

Fortorffy...

It's No Good....

I Can't Spell Fourtophee

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel on Old Age

Whatto! Peeps...

I recently had a strange dream.....

...that Lady Jacqueline and myself were much, much older and lying in bed together. 

I was falling asleep but my wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily I reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, I reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and then settled down to go back to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, I threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed, stomping across the room.

"Where are you going?" Lady Jacqueline asked..
...and I said "To get my teeth!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Buys Some Fun

What ho! Pepys..

I finally decided to buy something...

...I've always dreamt of owning!

A Clown Car!

Yes!

It's a great little machine....

...and has already given me hours of fun.

I also found out from the documentation 

that one of the previous owners was Bonnie Tyler.

So that explains why 

every now and then it falls apart.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel's Bit For Nature

What ho! Pepys...

If you are someone like me who loves saving the environment

why not splash out on one of these lovely yet affordable 'Hemp Towels'?

I'm pleased to report that I've just tried out one of the new hemp towels

 and it's left me completely high and dry!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Lets It Slide

What ho! Pepys...

I have a Sociologist friend who is always going on about 'Sliding scales' and using them to illustrate solutions to various problems.

But I think the best thing indicated on a sliding scale...

...is the slipperiness of eels.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Taking Stock

What ho! Pepys...

Yesterday on our Village Green I found myself discussing the merits of the old fashioned tradition of putting criminals into stocks and then throwing things like rotten tomatoes at them..

...when I was suddenly fingered for a crime I didn't commit!

Oh well.... I suppose there are worse punishments.

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Goes Above And Beyond

What ho! Pepys...

If you're someone who loves the shelter provided by the roof of each room in your home.

Maybe you love it so much you like to kiss it?!

You do don't you?

You dirty....

I suppose you could say you're a ceiling fan!

Tallyho!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lord Noel Agony Aunt

What ho! Pepys...

Every so often I have to let the contents of my heaving mailbag spill out all over my desk.
Luckily it's completely waterproof with a wipe clean surface.
I'm also lucky that people write to me from all over the world asking me for advice.
Sometimes I show the letters to my wife and we spend the evening together with glasses of wine...
...laughing ourselves silly.

I recently received this letter from a man I will call Colin - because that is his real name.
He writes "Dear Lord Noel, I was brought up by a very strict mother and father who never let me rest for a minute. Now I find I am unable to relax because whenever I sit down I hear my Father's voice inside my head saying 'Time is Money'! Can you please help me? Kind regards, Colin"

Here is my reply:
"Colon, I have read your letter with great interest and have come to the following conclusion. If your Father is someone who believes that Time is Money - he may be a confused Pink Floyd listener"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel