Lord Noel's Check Up Time

What ho!

A new Doctor has arrived at our local surgery so I decided to go to see him for my annual check-up....
....Immediately I met him I knew he was going to be refreshingly different....
....I said to him "I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?" and he told me "Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap."
I then asked him "Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?"
....to which he replied "You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products."
"What about my alcohol intake" I said "Should I reduce it?"
"No, not at all." he answered "Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain..... So Bottoms up!"
As I seemed to be on a roll I enquired "How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?"
....and he said "Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc."
Quite pleased with the way things were going I pressed further "What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme?"
"I can't think of a single one, sorry." he added "My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!"
"Well then...." I queried....."I've been eating alot of protein based meals but aren't fried foods supposed to be bad for you?"
....."YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...." he exclaimed "Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?"
I feel better all ready!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel